Do you see the Thestrals?
He is dead.
He is dead, and he died bravely.
But I can't forgive him, because when he died, he took someone with him. And he killed him too.
No, I am not talking about Harry and Voldemort. I'm talking about Harry and Sirius.
Sirius died for Harry, falling through the veil. He knew that, even though he was told to stay at Grimmauld Place for his safety, he would go to the Department of Mysteries, and possibly die for Harry. He gave his life. The only thing is, when he fell through the dreaded black veil, he brought Harry with him.
Not in physical form. Harry is not dead as in his heart has stopped beating.
No. Harry is dead mentally, spiritually. He has no will to go on. His soul has left. A kiss from a Dementor would do nothing to him.
Sirius was a surrogate father to Harry. He loved him, and he comforted Harry when it was needed. But he cannot comfort Harry this time, because it's because of him Harry is lost.
Lost. Such an accurate way to describe the boy. Reflecting, Harry has always been lost, forever in his life since the day Lily and James died for their son, and for the prophecy.
After that Halloween night, he was sent, by me, to live with the Dursleys. Ever since then, he's been lost. His cousin beat him, he had no love, he was treated like a house elf, he had no one. No friends at school because of his cousin.
For ten long years, he lived like that, in a cupboard, under the stairs. Lost. His only friends were the spiders.
Then he suddenly entered a world, that he was again different, lost, in. He entered the magical world, where there were spells, and curses, and things little boys only see in Disney Movies. He was happy, but he was alone. For a short time, mind, but he was alone. And the worst of it all was that he was famous. He was a celebrity who saved their world from death, without meaning to or remembering doing so. And he was baffled. There were so many questions to be asked, so many secrets to finally be revealed. Hagrid did his best, but the only one who could really answer his questions was me.
Then, on the train to the school he had never heard of, he met Ron Weasley, a great friend to him. A little jealous of the fame, maybe, but a good friend all the same. And soon, he met and befriended Hermione Granger also.
The year went fine, up until the very end, when he faced Quirrl and Voldemort. He saved the stone from Voldemort and killed Quirrl, to put it bluntly. And that was his first brush with death that he had had in a decade. The first time he really remembered someone dying.
And what a gruesome death it was.
Then, in the hospital wing, he asked me many things. He asked what happened to the stone, and when I told him, in other words, that my good friend Flammel was going to die, he was astonished. He was very young then, and he did not understand death, yet he was associated with it more then most in his year. He had never known his parents, never remembered anything but the sickly green light of the Avada Kedavra curse, and he did not understand.
He also asked me the question that would have ruined my plan, but saved Sirius's life, and possibly the lives of others. And, knowing that he was young, and did not understand death yet, I did not answer him. I do not know for sure now if this was a mistake or not; I sometimes debate it with myself.
Next, in second year, he faced Voldemort yet again, and this time, he met Death. He saw Tom Riddle disappear forever, and he narrowly saved Ginny Weasley's life, in doing so, endangering his own. And he had met Death as an acquaintance, yet in later years, he would shake hands with Death, and know Death's darkest secrets.
He had another near encounter with death in his third year. He had the choice to end someone's life, and I believe that that was when it finally hit him. Death was so final, so unforgiving. Death was not someone to play with. And he had the choice to send Death a slave, someone who betrayed his parents, and ultimately led them to serve Death forever.
And, as this finally sunk in, and he finally understood just a little more, he decided not to end it. This man, though he deserved it, was not going to die at that moment, was not going to be a slave forever. And that was when Harry understood what death was, how final it was, and what our choices make us.
Then, in his fourth year, he greeted death again, narrowly escaping the slavery of Death himself. He did not die, however, but it was very close. Fawks saved his life yet again, encouraged him to hold on, and Harry completely understood death at that moment on. He understood what it was like to be more terrified in your life, to be faced, in one instant, with a deadly situation, one which could change everything. He understood how his parents felt, trapped, cornered, by Voldemort, and he saw things that a 14-year-old should never see, things that most wizards haven't seen at all.
He saw Cedric die. He saw him die right next to him. He saw his face, frozen in fear, astonishment, confusion, forever more. And that day, he and Death were more then just acquaintances, they were best friends. No other student that has passed through this school in all my years of teaching, with the exception of Tom Riddle, has ever known death as much as Harry Potter. Harry knew what it was like to be staring Death straight in the eye, to narrowly beat him at his game.
That's all our life is. A game of Chess. If we win, we get to stay alive. If we lose, we die. No one has ever won. To win would be to be immortal, and never become a slave. Everyone loses. The only questions is: how long is your game going to last?
In the game, the pieces are your friends and enemies. Even some pieces on your side are foe. If one of them is captured, you only try harder to win. If your best friend, or your parents, or someone you love is captured, like your queen or bishop, you are changed. It makes the battle for life much harder for you.
It can devastate you. You weep for the piece, sorry to have it gone. But, it can also strengthen you. You can avenge the capture, and have more chance of winning.
Life is just a game of Chess. Just don't tell that to Ron Weasley.
Back to Harry. In that year, Harry shook hands with Death, and hugged it like an old friend. He was so close to him, yet so far away. He knew the secrets, knew what it felt like, yet he also didn't. He was like many who had seen loved ones die, yet he had not seen. Cedric was a mere acquaintance. He had not loved Cedric.
All was about to change in his fifth year.
In his fifth year, he could finally see the Thestrals. He witnessed Death many times before, but this time, the full effect of what Death was, what it did, and how final it was, hit him like a train. He was one of death's best friends, and he could see Thestrals.
Do you see the Thestrals? Can you see the ugly, winged, reptilian horses, and wonder? Those who can see them do. All those who have laid eyes upon the beasts wonder every time they see them, about life. About Death. All those who can see them have met death, and shook his hand. And we all wonder. We wonder about the what ifs? What if we had been a second too late? What if we made a different choice? What if he had not told Cedric to take the cup at the same time, or what if he had not taken the cup at all?
Do you see the Thestrals? They are hideous. They are beasts, and they are wild. They need to be tamed. They are ugly, and yet they are wise. They are some of the wisest beasts there are. This is seeing death. If you can see a Thestral, you know what it is to be dead. You know what it's like to face it, and you understand it.
Thestrals represent people's knowledge of Death. Most people cannot see them. They do not know; they do not understand. Those who can see are reminded every time they look at the Thestrals what Death is. And they understand that Death is not quick. Death is a long, slow process, and it effects many people's lives, though they do not realize it. Cedric's death effected the whole magical world, because it was part of the proof that Voldemort was rising once again.
Voldemort has seen death, yes. He has killed hundreds, thousands, and he knows death. But Voldemort does not see Thestrals. He knows Death, and corresponds with it, but does not understand it at all. He cannot comprehend emotions of love, and in order to understand death you must have love; you must have a heart.
Do you see the Thestrals?
In Harry's fifth year, he kissed Death. His godfather, Sirius Black, died, and it was partly Harry's fault. And when Padfoot fell through that veil, he took a chunk of Harry's heart, of Harry's love, with him.
And once again, Harry is lost. He feels nothing. His face is covered by a shell of nothing, but under that lay the secrets of Death, understood to the full extent now that someone Harry knew, and loved, died.
And I sometimes think that Harry learned the secrets of Death more then anyone else on the planet, because he never knew his parents. He never knew what it was to be loved. And suddenly, everything was thrown at him, and yet he faced all of his challenges, and overcame them. But he met death every year that he came here, and he became closer friends with Death.
Death and Harry now have a full relationship. Someone Harry loved has died, just like it happened fifteen years ago. He didn't understand it fifteen years ago, but now that he understand this death, he is brooding on his parents'.
And he is slowly dying himself.
Not of strength. Not of power. Of love. He is dying because he loved, and he realizes for the first time what that means. And Harry has two things that Voldemort has not: the knowledge of love, and the knowledge of Death.
And, yet, this death could be the best thing in the world to happen to Harry. Because, after the grieving of death, comes life, and love again. He will overcome his grief, as he has before. But the lesson will still be there, deeply etched in his mind forever, should he need it again.
And he will realize that he is slowly dying right now. The Chess game is starting to speed up. Death has his king in Check, yes, but not in Checkmate. And his Queen, who just was captured, will give him motivation, will, to go on. And he will capture the piece that took his queen, and the game will be balanced yet again in the course of life.
Harry is alone again, though, and he will be forever. Very few can understand him; very few know what he knows. His friends know not the secrets of Death, not having done more then heard it's name in conversation. And he is alone.
His friends are great, and he knows that. But some things cannot be shared, and some things cannot be felt, be understood, without experience. And they will never understand. They may lose a loved one, yes, but they will never know what it is to be Harry, what it is to lose your parents before you know them, and don't really love them, then have someone you love die again, and finally feel that you understand your parents' early deaths.
And because they don't understand this, they will drift from him a little. Little by little each day. They will never understand that love can save you, and it can also kill you.
And then, Harry's only friends will be the Thestrals.
But, as much as Harry would hate to hear this, he will get over Sirius's death, and he will learn from it. It will make him older then anyone other then myself at this school. Harry already is as old as some of the teachers. His experiences have wizened him, and increased his age. He is nearly as old as I.
But Harry will finally learn that death is expected in war, and he will overcome it after grief. He will learn from it, and he will love it. He will learn to love again, for love is the savior for us all.
But not before he grieves. He is grieving, and I do not know for how long. He misses his godfather, and right now he is conversing with Death. He is bargaining his soul. He is nuzzling the Thestrals. But it's all just a game of Chess.
And I ask you, Severus Snape, as you sit in my office, complaining about how Potter is weeping, and claiming he is just trying for more attention, and how Sirius and Harry were the only ones at fault for this…
Do you see the Thestrals?
***
I hope you liked this. It was sort of hard to write, because Harry and Dumbledore are confusing! Please review and tell me how I did! The idea popped into my head while I was writing another story.
Yes, I'm back from my vacation to Hawaii, and I barley survived without a computer for a week. That was the week that all of these plot bunnies attacked, of course. And this was one of the ideas, so I wrote it as soon as I could.
Well, please tell me how it is. I want to know what you think.