A/N- Months after Sirius' death, Tonks grows more and more worried about Remus. He refuses to sleep, and works himself into near exhaustion doing things for the Order. As she tries to comfort him, and help him deal with the death of his last real friend, she finds the comfort she needs to move on as well, and realizes that neither of them is quite as alone in their grief as they thought.
* * * * *
Everyone was starting to worry about him. He always looked so tired...like he hadn't slept in weeks. I don't think he had. He was always doing something for the Order, never resting or even simply sleeping through the night. Anything to keep from having to think about Sirius, I suppose. If he didn't sleep, he couldn't dream about it. If he kept busy, he couldn't remember. Sometimes I thought he might have the right idea. It would be so easy to just block out what had happened at the Department of Mysteries.
God, had that really been two months ago? It still felt like yesterday. The pain was still so fresh in everyone's mind. No one in the Order had been unaffected. Even though I'd only met him once I joined the Order, he was still my family. He was the only family member my mother really trusted. And Remus...he was the only friend Remus had left. It was no wonder, really, that he was taking it so hard. But refusing to think about it wasn't helping him.
I think Dumbledore could see that too. That was probably why he stopped giving Remus assignments for a while, and told him to take some time off to rest. Remus wasn't happy about that, though he tried not to show it. I could tell he didn't want to think about Sirius though. Truthfully, I'd been trying not to think about him either. It was easier that way, but I didn't avoid it to the extent that Remus was. He would have done anything to block it out.
Like I said, everyone was worried about him. A few days in to his mandatory vacation, he still didn't look like he had improved. If anything, he looked worse. I suppose that was what prompted me to go there and check on him, on the fourth day. It must have been hard for him, I thought, living in Grimmauld Place all alone. Most of the Order was staying elsewhere. Too many memories of Sirius, I think. Remus couldn't, however. He had nowhere else to go. The Ministry had made it nearly impossible for werewolves to hold steady jobs, and without a steady job, Remus had no hope of being able to afford a place to live. Besides, he kept saying, someone had to stay and take care of Buckbeak.
I'd decided to go after my Auror shift at the Ministry, but it was nearly eleven at night before I was able to leave. Bloody paperwork. No wonder Mad Eye was crazy. All that paperwork they made us fill out for reports was enough to drive anyone insane. But anyway, it was late by the time I managed to get to Grimmauld Place. It took me a few minutes to even find where he was. He wasn't in his room, sleeping, like he was supposed to be. I continued searching, finally finding him in the library, standing in front of the fire. His arms were crossed and resting on the mantle and his forehead was resting on them as he leaned against the fireplace.
I still remember the way he looked that night. As though the weight of the world was on his shoulders. It was crushing him. He had always seemed so strong, and I admired that in him, but as I saw him standing in the firelight, he looked...frail. Everything that was weighing him down showed on his tired face, and he looked like he might break at any moment. His eyes didn't even move towards me when I entered the room. Well, tripped is more like it. I caught myself in time, managing to avoid falling flat on my face for once.
"Hello, Tonks." Remus said, still staring into the flames. Even his voice sounded weary.
"How did you know it was me?" I asked. I saw a faint flicker of a smile on his face.
"You're the only person I know that could trip on a wooden floor." he replied. I stuck my tongue out at him, though he didn't see it.
"I thought I'd come see how you were." I said. "See if you needed any company."
"Thanks, but I'm fine."
"You're supposed to be resting." I said, crossing my arms as I looked at him.
"I don't need to rest." he said stubbornly.
"You look ready to collapse." I told him. I touched his arm, about to lead him up to his room. "Come on, Remus, you need to sleep. This isn't healthy."
"I don't want to sleep!" he snapped, shrugging my hand off roughly. I tensed slightly when he yelled. Remus was one of the calmest people I'd ever met. I'd never heard him yell at anyone, let alone me. He walked over to the window, staring up at the black starry sky. It was obvious that he hadn't gotten any more rest during his time off, and it didn't look like he would without a fight. After a tense silence, he sighed, closing his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Tonks. I've been a bit edgy lately." he apologized. "I didn't mean to snap at you."
"That's exactly why Dumbledore wants you to get some rest. We're all worried about you, Remus." I told him gently. "You haven't looked well since..."
"Since he died?" he finished for me.
"Well, yes." I said at last. "When was the last time you slept through the night anyway?"
"I don't remember." he admitted.
"Remus." I sighed. "You of all people should know better than that."
"I don't want to sleep." he said stubbornly. "Because when I close my eyes, all I see is him falling through that veil over and over again, and I can't stand it."
"Its okay, Remus." I said gently, putting my hand on his shoulder. "I know how hard it must be for you. You knew Sirius better than anyone. But avoiding your grief will only make it worse when you finally give in to it."
"What do you know about grief?" he asked. "Every time I've cared about someone, I've lost them. You don't know what its like to watch your best friends die."
"I might not have known Sirius as well as you did, but he was my family...and my friend. I've lost one friend already..." I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. I was so worried about him, about what would happen to him if he kept getting worse. "I...I don't want to lose you too Remus..."
Remus finally turned to look at me, just in time to see the first tears start to spill down my face. Without a word, he put his arms around me and hugged me, letting me cry against his shoulder. I felt his cheek touch mine as he just held me, murmuring soothingly to me as he tried to calm me.
"Its all right." he said softly, stroking my bright blue hair as he held me. "You're not going to lose anyone."
"You can't guarantee that." I said, though my voice was muffled against his shoulder.
"No, I can't..." he admitted. He pulled away slightly, enough so that he could kiss my forehead. A strictly platonic, brotherly gesture. "But I can try."
We stood there for a long moment, me trying to control my tears, and him just silently comforting me. I was barely aware of the hand he'd placed against my face, wiping the tears away with his thumb. He was such a good friend, I thought.
"Come on." he said at last, leading me away from the window. "I think we both need something stiff to drink."
"Sounds good." I said, using my sleeve to wipe away the last few tears.
Remus left the room for a second and returned with a bottle with an amber colored liquid and two glasses. He set them on the desk, pouring generous amounts for the both of us, and handed one to me. I gulped down some of it and coughed as it burned my throat. It tasted good, but it was very strong.
"Good, huh?" Remus asked with a half smile. "This stuff's good for two things. Degreasing engines, and killing brain cells."
"I think it just killed more than that." I coughed. Remus laughed.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, I will be, once this stuff wrestles my stomach into submission." I replied. "You actually enjoy drinking this stuff?"
"It's an acquired taste." he shrugged. "Its quite effective at making you forget everything."
"Anymore of this and I think my brain will fuse." I said, setting down what remained of my drink. "And you can't keep running from everything Remus. You have to deal with them."
"I like my way better. Get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed." he said, taking another gulp.
"You're impossible." I sighed, going and sitting down on the couch that faced the fire. "Avoiding thinking about Sirius, and the Department of Mysteries, will only make things worse, not better. Giving up sleep, running yourself ragged, or drinking yourself silly won't help either. The nightmares won't last forever."
"You know the only thing worse than a nightmare?" he asked, sitting down next to me. "A nightmare you can't wake up from."
"What are you talking about?" I asked blankly.
"I mean that I'm living my worst nightmare." he said, waving his hand around. "I've watched my best friends die, betrayed by people they thought they could trust. When I first started at Hogwarts, I was alone, afraid that someone would find out what I was. But when I made friends, my fear changed. I was afraid of being alone again. I'd been alone most of my life, and once I knew what it was like to have people care about you, I couldn't stand the thought of being alone again. But it happened. I was alone when James and Lily died, and Peter and Sirius were gone, and I'm alone now. I've lost the last friend I had. I'm living my worst nightmare."
"You're not alone, Remus." I said softly. "You still have me. You're one of my best friends, and I'm not going to let you destroy yourself, even if you do think you're in a living nightmare."
"I am in a nightmare. This is a living Hell, seeing my best friends die." he said. He sat back against the couch, closed his eyes, and sighed deeply.
"Its funny." he said at last. His eyes were still closed, and his voice had that weary quality it'd had when I first walked in to the room. "Your worst nightmare always seems so far away. Then, all of a sudden, there it is. Like a monstrous tidal wave. You try to escape, but you can't. You struggle, and struggle, and struggle, your desperate cries unheard. Then, something strange happens...you stop struggling. Your cries take flight... You forget you're drowning."
Gently, I reached out and took his hand, closing my fingers around his. He threaded his fingers into mine, trembling with emotion. He looked so lost and alone, sitting in the dying firelight. I knew exactly how Remus felt; like the world was crashing down around us, and nothing we did or said made any difference. Both of us were grateful for the simple comfort of having a friend nearby, to share our misery with, to understand how we felt.
And to save us.
"I won't let you drown, Remus." I said softly. He gave my hand a small squeeze and, finally, a hint of a smile started to show on his face.
"I won't let you either, Tonks." he promised.
Another long silence passed between us, as I watched him sitting there in the firelight. The flames danced in the fireplace, casting ever changing shadows though the room. His eyes still closed as though in sleep, he sat so still that, for a moment, I thought he really was asleep. But then he gave a quiet sigh, and I knew he was only thinking again, letting himself sink back into the dark thoughts that seemed to have haunted him all evening. He was drowning in them, and not even the presence of a friend willing to help and listen was helping him.
"Remus?"
"Hmm?" he asked, still not opening his eyes.
"Are you asleep?"
"Yes."
"Liar."
"No I'm not. It's a talent of mine, being able to have a complete conversation while sound asleep." he said casually.
"Git." I said, releasing his hand and poking him in the shoulder. "Open your eyes. You can't shut the world out by pretending it doesn't exist."
"I can try."
"Remus, open your eyes." I told him, not about to let his werewolf stubbornness win this time.
"Why should I?" he asked, gulping down the last of his drink and setting it blindly on the table next to the couch.
"Because I said so."
"Not good enough." he said, that teasing grin starting to appear on his face again.
"I'm not going to let you ignore me." I said, fighting the urge to hit him in the head. "I can't help you if you ignore me."
"I don't need anyone's help."
Fine, you asked for it, I thought. I squeezed my eyes shut, concentrating on the Metamorphmagus transformations that I knew so well. When I opened my eyes a second later, I knew exactly what I looked like. I had pictured it in my mind as vividly as though I were looking at it in real life. My eyes, hair, face, and body were all identical to the man sitting next to me on the couch.
"Remus, would you open your damn eyes before I beat you senseless?" I asked, finally losing my patience with him.
"Tonks, you-YAH!" Remus cried, falling off the couch in shock when he saw me. Of course, it was probably a shock to open your eyes and see yourself sitting right next to you. I couldn't help it though, and burst out laughing.
"Tonks!" he cried.
"Serves you right for trying to ignore me." I replied, going back to the form I had been in before, the cheerful looking girl with bright blue hair and eyes to match.
"You nearly gave me a bloody heart attack!" he snapped. "Don't you have anything better to do than scare me half to death?"
I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded. I know he had meant it to sound joking. He hadn't meant for it to sound so harsh and angry. I know he would never hurt anyone he counted as a friend, but it still hurt. It hurt mostly because he made it sound as though he didn't want me around. I don't even know why it hurt me so much, but it did. Maybe I was more stressed from all we had been through in the recent months, and the worrying I had been feeling over him, than I had thought. Whatever the reason, I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I stood to leave.
"Tonks, wait." Remus said, his voice much gentler now. Before I had gone more than a step, he had caught my hand in his, pulling me gently towards him on the floor. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."
"You still said it." I said, tears streaming down my face for the second time that night.
"I'm sorry, Tonks." he said. I didn't resist as he pulled me into his embrace. Hurt as I was, I wanted to feel comforted again. I wanted to feel that someone else understood, and cared. Someone who had been through the same sort of stuff that I had, and had still survived somehow.
"Its not you, its everything." I sobbed against him. "Everything is falling apart."
"Shh." he murmured against my hair as he held me. "Its all right. Nothing can hurt you here."
"I've been so worried about you, Remus." I confessed, trying to make my tears subside.
"You have?" he asked, sounding surprised. I nodded against his shoulder.
"We all have."
"Why?"
"Because you've been so different lately. You hardly sleep at all, and when you're awake, you're working non-stop." I told him. "Its not healthy, that's why Dumbledore told you to take time off to rest. You've just been blocking everything and everyone out. You won't let anyone help you."
"No one can help me because they don't know what its like to lose someone like that." he said softly. I lifted my face from his shoulder, staring into his eyes as the last of my tears faded.
"I do." A sad smile crossed his face as his hand reached up to touch my face. He kissed my cheek gently.
"I know you do." he said softly. He held his arms out to me again, silently inviting me to let him comfort me again. "Come here."
I didn't need any persuasion. I needed to feel safe and comforted just as much as he did, and somehow, we both knew that having the other there to share in our mutual misery would help. I turned so that I was sitting in between his legs, my back resting against his chest. Remus gently rested his chin on my head, putting an arm around me. With one of his hands resting on my stomach, a silent reassurance that he was there for me and always would be, we stared at the fire that still burned and crackled. Silence filled the room, but neither of us felt the need to break it.
I'm not sure how long we sat like that. Half an hour, maybe more. I could tell by his breathing that he was still awake. Even if he had fallen asleep, his friendly presence still helped ease my pain, just as my presence eased his. It was reassuring, knowing that each other was there. Even if the world outside that fire-lit room was falling apart, it was peaceful in there. Finally, because his chin was starting to hurt the top of my head, I shifted my position so that my head rested back against his shoulder. He shifted also, to get comfortable again, and placed his chin against my shoulder, his warm cheek resting against my tear stained face.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
"Yeah." I whispered back. There was no reason for either of us to whisper. We were the only ones there. Neither of us wanted to disturb the stillness of the room though. "You?"
"Getting there."
"Why do you block it all out, Remus?" I asked after another long silence. "Why do you try so hard not to think about him dying?"
"Defense mechanism, I suppose." he replied. "I did the same thing when James and Lily died, and I thought Peter was dead. It sometimes seems easier to pretend they've only gone away for a while."
"Does it work?"
"For a little while. But when I run out of distractions, the pain will still be there. And by that time, I'll be ready to deal with it."
"You still have everyone worried."
"There's no need to. I'll survive. I always have." he whispered.
"I hope you do." I replied, watching the fire slowly dying. "You're the last friend I have."
"You too, Tonks." he told me.
His slow, even breathing warmed my neck as he shifted his position again. He seemed to be being careful not to disturb me too much, though I shifted also to get comfortable again. As we moved, my shirt rode up slightly. I felt my temperature rise a few degrees when I felt his skin on mine. Remus froze at almost the exact moment that I did, but neither of us made any move to break the unexpected contact. For another long moment, we sat like that. Then, slowly, Remus moved his hand farther, his palm resting flat against my stomach now.
I should have felt unnerved, or uncomfortable at the very least, but I didn't. If anything, I felt safer and even more at ease. Remus' skin on mine was reassuring, even more proof that there was another person in the world who understood what I was going through, who understood that now more than ever, I needed to feel safe. I felt his breathing quicken ever so slightly. A second later, his lips touched my neck, sending small shivers through me. My eyes closed as his lips moved up my neck and along my jaw. Instinctively, I turned my head, my lips meeting his. His free hand reached up, cupping the side of my face as his lips pressed back against mine. I turned around, getting into a better position to kiss him. His hand didn't break contact with my skin; instead, it stayed against me as I turned, finally resting at the small of my back.
After a second or so in this new position, his mouth parted against mine. His tongue flicked out, tracing the crease of my lips before I too parted them, letting the kiss deepen. The hand that rested against my face moved back to bury itself in my hair as his other hand moved farther up my back, trying to pull me even closer. I made no attempt to get away, unexpected as all this was. I don't know how long it took, but finally, we pulled back in unison, trying to catch our breath.
Neither of us spoke. In that moment, we needed no words. Staring into each other's eyes told us all either of us needed to know. Nothing that happened next would change a thing between us. We were friends, fellow members of the Order of the Phoenix. We felt nothing more than a deep friendship for one another. But staring into his eyes in that moment, I knew that the simple reassurances we had shared so far, since I had found him by the fireplace, would not be enough for either one of us tonight. Platonic kisses and hugs could stave off some of the grief of loss, but they could not make us forget. I could see in his eyes that he needed me. If I left now, it could destroy him...and me. We needed each other, now more than ever. Simultaneously, we met in another passionate kiss.
The next few minutes were more of a blur than anything. All I could feel were Remus' hands in my hair and on my back, and his mouth clamped firmly over mine. His kiss was so passionate, yet gentle at the same time. I knew he would never force me to do anything, and if I had wanted to leave, he would have let me go. But I didn't want to go. I needed to forget everything, if only for a night, and he needed to forget just as much as I did. When we finally broke apart to breathe, he was laying back against the floor, holding me close to him. I stared silently into Remus' amber eyes again, not wanting to look away from him. His hand reached up and stroked my cheek, tucking a piece of blue hair behind my ear. He looked so unsure all of a sudden.
"What is it you want, Remus?" I asked softly. "Do you want me to go? Or stay?"
"I don't know what I want anymore." he replied softly. "But I don't want you to go."
"I can be anything you want me to be, Remus." I whispered, running my fingers through his grey flecked hair as he stared up at me. "Young, old...blond, brunette, black or white. Just tell me what you want me to be, and I'll be it."
"Just be yourself, Nymphadora." he whispered back, kissing the corner of my mouth. "I've never seen the way you look naturally."
"You don't want to see that..." I said, and I knew I was blushing slightly. I'd never been particularly fond of the way I looked.
"I do." he replied with such honesty that not even Imperius would have been able to make me refuse his request.
Oddly nervous all of a sudden, I closed my eyes, mentally undoing each metamorphoses I had created for myself. I shrank quite a bit, to my normal five foot two, rather than the five foot eight that I preferred. I hated being so short, and always made myself taller, simply because I could. My hair went back to golden brown, lengthening into waves that tumbled down around my shoulders. I opened my eyes, a pale gray-green now, and looked at him, almost dreading how he might react. I'd even undone the transformations that hid the scars I bore because of my clumsiness.
"How do I look?" I asked, in barely more than a whisper.
"You're beautiful." he murmured, drawing me in to another kiss.
"Do you really think so?" I asked timidly. No one who had ever seen me in my natural form had ever called me beautiful before. "Even with the ugly scars?"
"Even with those." he replied, rolling so that he was laying on top of me. Kissing along my jaw, he added, "Everyone has scars. Some just aren't visible."
"Do you have scars too?" I asked.
"One for every person I've cared about that was taken from me." Remus replied.
"Visible ones, I mean."
"Maybe." he said impishly. He kissed the small scar that was on my cheek, the only one visible on my face. "Where did you get that one?"
"Cauldron accident, third year." I replied.
"And this one?" he asked, kissing the scar on the side of my neck, which sent tiny shivers through me.
"Fell out of a tree when I was ten."
Remus caught my lips in a kiss again, pulling back slightly so that he could start undoing my blouse. He had barely finished before I started undoing his shirt as well, pushing it off him. This time, it was me who broke the kiss, kissing the hollow of his throat and neck. He moaned as our bodies pressed together again, but shivered when my lips reached the half moon scar on his shoulder.
"What's this one from?" I whispered in his ear, letting my thumb trace over the scar.
"Werewolf." he said in a throaty whisper.
"Oh..."
Before I said anything else, his mouth was on mine again as we pulled each other as close as possible. Everything after that was a blur of ecstasy. Long after the light from the fire died, we lay together, just holding and kissing each other, making love long into the night. The first light of dawn found us still in each other's arms, resting peacefully in a half sleep by the fireplace. All the warmth, comfort, and reassurance we needed came from each other.
It wasn't love, or lust, or even a drunken one night stand. We were just two people who needed to feel like someone in the world still cared.