Just started this and although I'll eventually go Tiva, I have no idea where this is going, so bear with me... Suggestions and critics are welcome.
Disclaimer: Not my characters. Otherwise, Tiva would be canon.
Ziva David sighed as she opened the door to her apartment. She was tired both physically and mentally and lacked the strength to pretend otherwise. She threw her keys at the coffee table, took her shoes off and sat on the couch.
It had been a terrible week. Everyone had been on edge as the team was being investigated. She thought she was Parson's target all along. And she deserved it. But instead they went after Gibbs, who had of course protected her. Them. The team. And they had shown the same loyalty as Tony, McGee and herself had turn in their badges to Vance.
Ziva closed her eyes as a tear run down her cheek. She wasn't sad about that. She would do it again in a heartbeat. All of them would. But Ziva couldn't help but feel lost. She had lost so much in life already. And now she had lost her second family too. She was not a superstitious person, but she knew she had to be cursed by God himself to be able to bear so much pain for a relatively young life.
By now she was almost sobbing, which came to her as a surprise. Ziva David did not sob. She did not cry. She heard these last words in her head spoken in the voice of her father.
That was all she could take, as feelings and memories rushed to her bruised heart. Ziva stood up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen. She opened the fridge as she searched for alcohol. When she found a bottle of vodka, which she had no idea why or how was in there, she poured herself some in a glass and started drinking. And she repeated the process until her brain was a little numb and her heart hurt a little less.
She was definitely not destined to have a happy ending. How could she? She had a lifetime of evidence to the contrary. Every person she had cared about in her early life had left her- mother, sister, friends- and all who remained had betrayed her- Ari, her father, her Mossad coworkers- And everyone who fell in between, all of whom she deeply cared about that had neither died nor betrayed her, she had managed to hurt herself, either physically or emotionally.
She was not entitled to a happy ending because everything remotely close to happy, she managed to screw up…
An image of Tony popped into her head. The look of sad and betrayal that he had given her when he asked her about Adam.
In all the years they had worked together, they're relationship had grown immensely. Tony was her best friend and probably the person who knew her better. Which meant, she had the most to lose if she screw that up. She wasn't stupid; she knew her partner's feelings towards her had developed into something more that friendship. So had hers. She wasn't sure what it was, and she was too afraid to think about it and was not drunk enough for it, but she knew Tony was his closest friend. The one who knew her a little too well. It was around him, actually, that she remembered letting herself cry. Be vulnerable…
America had really made her softer, she thought, as she poured what she believe was her fourth glass of vodka. Just as she was about to laugh at her own self, she remembered Gibbs and what he would say to her. "Vulnerability is not a weakness, Ziva, it's a strength".
So instead of laughing, she let herself cry, for once, in peace. Gibbs. The father figure that had walked into her life all those years ago and made her feel protected from her own demons, and now had just as easily left her. And it was all her fault. Ziva owned him everything and the man had taken the fault for her own mistakes. She had let him down, and she had let herself down. She wanted to break rule #6 and apologize to him for a lifetime of mistakes, but he had been MIA since he'd accepted some sort of mission she knew nothing about.
By now alcohol had made her tipsy and Ziva wanted to talk to someone more than anything. She needed to say how it was all her fault, how she had let Gibbs down, how she had hurt Tony, which she regretted more than anything, how she still felt guilty as hell over Ari's death, how she felt betrayed and unloved by Eli and yet she had wanted revenge and to have him back in her life. How she wanted to crawl into bed and not get up some mornings, how she missed her sister and how she'd love to see the person she'd become, how she missed her mother. Ziva wanted to talk about anything and everything and the part of her brain that was still not drunk knew she couldn't. Because that was not who Ziva was. She was the calmed ninja trained in torture techniques that would just act like everything was okay when deep down she was dying. She couldn't talk to anyone because letting someone in meant that parson would become a target. They'd either end up dead by anyone of the many enemies Ziva had all over the world and they'd end up hurt so badly by Ziva herself that they'd go away. And that would kill her.
But the alcohol had lowered her defenses so much that she didn't even care when she dialed Tony's number while still crying. She was done thinking. She was done hurting. She was done being alone. She needed someone. She needed him.
"DiNozzo" he answered at the first ring. But she didn't speak for what it felt like minutes. Part of her was gathering her thoughts and the other part wasn't sure what to say.
"Hi Tony" she finally blurted out, half drunk, half scared.
"Ziva" he said, more a question of concern than a statement. It was late for his partner to be calling him out of the blue and she sounded a little… off. "Everything okay there?"
Tony heard her 'not even close' laugh on the other end of the phone. He could tell something was up with her.
"I am sorry, to have called this late Tony. I just…" she couldn't find words. She actually couldn't find thoughts. She closed her eyes as a tear run down her cheek.
Tony must have noticed it because his playful tone suddenly changed. He was all serious and worried about her now. "Are you hurt? Are you in your house? Stay there, I'll come right over" he finished the sentence before she could even open her mouth.
She nodded, not realizing he couldn't see her over the phone, so when he didn't instantly reply she gave him a firmly 'yes' in response to make up for it.
Ziva hung up the phone, not knowing what to expect. She was in no condition to think. She was not interested in thinking. She just wanted, for the first time in her life; to pour her heart out to someone she trusted and let her walls come down. Even if she knew better.
Tony grabbed his jacket as he let the beer bottle by the sink. He grabbed his car keys and headed towards the door, wondering what was going on inside the head of that Israeli partner of his. Ziva never lost her cool and Tony was worried. He promised himself he would do anything in his power to help her tortured soul in any way he could, and if he was lucky, even put a smile on her face.