A/N: A few words before we begin with this fiction…
Setting: It takes place in the Mai HiME anime universe a few months after the carnival. I plan to maintain true to that setting early on as much as possible, however, the following caveats should be taken into account, if you choose to read this fan fiction.
Firstly, this a transgendered fanfiction, telling the story of a FTM (female-to-male) character. This fiction will revolve largely around Akira Okuzaki. She is the main star for the purposes of the story. All pov segments will be coming from her. Let it be known, this is not futa, nor a gender bender. It does not follow the lines of gender bending fetishisms. Please know this upfront. If the idea of a transgendered character bothers you, you're reading the wrong fiction.
Secondly, this is a collaborative work in the spirit, intent, and emotion put into this fiction. These transitional experiences are real. The long process of self-discovery, the choice to do something about it, and the transition itself are all based on our real life experiences. It's been a long time coming. A huge thank you goes out to my dear friends; Ann, Beth, Jake, Kira, and Kris, take a bow. Without our many nights of heart-to-hearts, without all the times we tossed a few beers back and talked, without all of the shared tears and the grief, this wouldn't have been possible.
Thirdly, there are several time jumps in this series as it moves forward. The ages of the main cast of characters will be listed at the top of each chapter. This means that the mindsets of characters will grow and change to suit their age as it is appropriate. Character pairings at the start may not be how they end, just know this. The best laid plans do not always work, and sometimes the things you least expect turn out to be the pot of gold.
TL; DR: Transgender fanfiction! Eventual Akira/Natsuki and Mai/Shizuru!
With all of these things taken into account, assuming you've read them, on with the fiction!
Metamorphosis
Arc 1: Truth, Lies, and Assumptions
Chapter 1
Main cast: Akira Okuzaki 12, Takumi Tokiha 13, Mai Tokiha 16, Yuuichi Tate 16, Natsuki Kuga 17, Shizuru Fujino 18, Nao Yuki 14, Reito Kanzaki 17, Mikoto Minagi 14.
My family has a history. It's one that I inherited, and it's complicated…
I'll try to simplify it as best as I can. A long time ago, someone in my family was involved in a HiME battle. As a result, I was told to never act like a girl. I was warned to never tell anyone about my true gender. My family said it to me every night, they trained me to fight every day…
All because I had the mark.
I didn't mind it, actually. In fact, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Then I met Takumi, who became my most important person, and called into question everything I thought I knew. Now that the battle is over, I don't have to pretend anymore…but, being a girl…it just seems wrong, somehow.
When you look in the mirror, what do see?
Is it what you want to see?
Back then, the only thing I've ever wanted to do was to reach my hand out to a foggy mirror. Stupid, I know. It's just that, I figured if I…never mind…saying it is kind of pointless anyway.
…
It had been about a month since departing for America. A rushed ordeal at best, a crapshoot at worst. Already, it was coming to an end. It seemed so abrupt, as if the days had flown on by before anyone could catch them. Maybe that speed was a good thing, a barrier that became an easy shield. They didn't have time to be restless, and that could have been a gift. At least that way, no one had time to dwell on things best kept under lock and key.
Unfortunately, there was plenty to keep unspoken, and even more buried deep.
Even though Akira knew that, she also knew that all of the HiME had timidly, voicelessly, agreed to keep their sins and transgressions as no more than hushed murmurs. The most important people, the ones dearest to them, were left with only a small explanation in the whispers of apology. Akira had never spoken hers, but Takumi seemed happy enough not knowing.
For him, the smile on his sister's face was enough to ease his mind on the matter.
Akira remembered the day of departure. It was like a blur, she had vaguely acknowledged it as she tossed routine aside. At the time, she crammed any and all things within her grasp into a duffle bag. In her mind it was only a matter of printing out tickets, and then running to catch the flight before it took off.
That was the day she was able to close her eyes. Turning her back on the carnage left behind at the school. When the rest of the HiME stayed behind, she ran away, pushing her own personal battles aside. She had forgotten all about the lives they kept back in Japan. It was easy to do, too easy.
The truth was, the boy she fawned over during his grueling surgery and rehab had an older sister. Mai was waiting for him. Out of sight, out of mind. It was something Akira never paid attention to, until it was too late. Soon, they would be going home.
To a place that Akira's shadows waited for her...as time ticked by, the unsettling reality of that truth set in.
"Akira, are you still drawing?" The teenaged boy asked as he watched over her.
"What does it look like?" The moody reply came, equal measures of exasperations and concentration dripping from her words. "Do you need some pain meds or something?"
"Oh…no, nothing like that." With his usual gentle gaze, purple eyes glimmered with a sense of innocence. "We have to get up early tomorrow, you know. Don't you think you should get some rest?"
"I don't see why." That kind look had always bothered her, ripping her to the very core. "There's no point." Akira told him darkly, hunching over her sketch pad. "We'll have jet lag anyway." This drawing was a last nod to the room that had become her home for the last few months. She lifted her gaze to study the wall again. The paper covering it was colorful floral pattern. Then, she cut her gaze to his. "You should probably rest though, considering…"
"Soon, maybe." He laughed, even while fighting a yawn. "It'll be hard to sleep. I'm excited."
"No maybe about it, you need to lay down and get some rest." Akira muttered to him as she went back to her drawing. "You always hype yourself up for no good reason." Even though she sketched it several times in black and white, she wanted to recall the magnificence of it. To capture and take home this one last night in a tangible form.
"Yeah, but this is different." The honesty in his words were so childlike. Against all odds, his demeanor hadn't changed him for the worst. The boy of thirteen years was beginning to gain insight. A wisdom that would serve him well when he grew older. "Hey, Akira, do you miss home?" The question was hesitant and tender, just like the boy asking it.
Akira was still unsure if such a personality was really for the better. "No, can't really say that I do." All of that kindness could easily make a person weak.
"Oh..." Takumi murmured quietly. "Do you mind if I ask why?" Again, his lame question was backed by his kindness.
In spite of that, she found herself drawn to him, that question tugging at her. "Not much to miss. As far as I'm concerned, a dorm is a dorm."
"Yeah, but you haven't seen your family in a long time, have you?" He asked her, knowing the question was one that could get him into trouble.
Akira, bristled. "Well, no, but that's normal." A faint grouse barely lifted over the scratching of her pencil. "I don't talk to them very much."
"It's uncomfortable talking to them, isn't it?" He wondered why her shoulders seemed to stiffen at the thought of her family. "I've always wondered what they were like. You have a large family, I'm sure, probably filled with lots of love."
The seemingly innocent question held a weight to it. "They're strict." Akira offered slowly. "My father's unrelenting, and bound by a sense of pride. My mother's the type of woman to answer to my father." Akira was not bothered by his curiosity, even though she held her explanation at a distance anyway. "It's safer for all of us to keep contact to a minimum." Looking back down, she picked up a soft pink, the color choice as near to the floral pattern as she could make it. "Takumi, stop watching."
He smiled, as he always tended to do. "I will, once when you stop coloring." The response died weakly on his breath. Instead, he grew quiet, his voice turned soft. "I know I thanked you before, but I mean it, Akira." He told her with his usual clement. "I don't think I could have done this without you. Having you around, well, it's been a big help."
"You're just a big baby." She said with a huff under her breath for his sake. "You would have been fine."
"Maybe…" He wondered that at times, but smiled with a nod anyway. "It's going to be strange going back home. Sis isn't going to believe it when she sees me." He said then as he leaned back on his bed. "It's been a while…"
That forced Akira to sigh, and she put her book down to look at him. He was a little taller, but that wasn't what he meant. "It's not that bad." She muttered then, looking away from the fingers that he perched upon his throat. "So what if your voice crackles more…you're a guy, its normal. It'll even out, eventually."
"It's not only that." He said as he turned to his side. "Anyway, I just hope Mai doesn't freak out." The girl in the other bed was changing too, in ways he'd slowly begun to notice more and more. "I've got some pretty gnarly scars."
"They're not so bad." She murmured, but didn't look at him. "You need to stop worrying, Takumi."
Yet, worry he did. His fingers running across the short scars on his legs and arms. Places doctors had extracted veins. He licked his lips, and for not the first time, he closed his eyes. He put his palms over his chest, where two hearts had become one. A heterotopic procedure, or so they had called it. The scar on his torso was large, and he recalled the strain it had on his breathing at first…the weird tug of the stiches…the slight ache as his chest expanded with air.
His ribs would take time to fully heal…six months to a year, as his doctors had told him…even if he was going home, he wondered what that meant for him now. It wasn't the first time he'd felt uneasy facing his sister, but, it was the first time he feared her reaction to his appearance.
"It might not be a big deal to you, but for me…" He trailed off as he nipped down on his cheek. Looking at the girl who now had her back turned to him. She still seemed to be able to regard him. He felt connected to that strangely casual way she had about her. "I'm really glad, that you chose me."
"Hm." A hum of approval, little more. "Go to sleep, Takumi."
The boy turned over, facing the dark corner of the room. It was several hours before he fell asleep and Akira breathed a sigh of relief. She finished her drawing, putting her tools away. There was something she had to do, and she didn't want him to see. Reaching into her duffle bag, she pulled out the denim skirt she bought while in America.
The personification was something she'd felt conflicted with.
Meeting Takumi put things into perspective, and spending time with him had opened her eyes in ways that she felt were liberating. Even so, it didn't exactly seem right, either. She folded up the skirt, and the pink hoodie that came with it, leaving it in the bottom drawer of the hotel room. It was fitting, in its own strange way.
She knew it was her only real option, leaving behind the very identity that she felt incomplete by. She might have been a girl in the flesh, but there was something about that skirt. Something that just didn't feel right.
Akira was a boy's name, and according to everyone who didn't know the truth, Akira Okuzaki was a twelve year old male student attending Fuka academy. The life she knew, the home she would go back to, thought her to be a boy. For not the first time she wished she had been born a male.
That she could have been given the same luxuries as those oblivious to the HiME battle.
Leaving her skirt behind was the next best thing. Putting aside the fact that she was female, and denying that simple truth was the life she knew. It was the future she wanted. To just be a regular guy, impossible as that would be.
…
I remember that night so clearly. Saying this now is kind of irrelevant, but, it was only meant to be a casual glance.
Somehow…it was more than that. Before I knew it, hours had passed. I still sat there, watching him, wondering what kind of dream he might be having. What kind of world shaped the thoughts that he never said? Then, I began to wonder if he tried to guess the same things about me.
I wanted to tell him, but…I just couldn't. Something pulled me back. At the time, I had no idea why. I never told him about that night. About how I wished it would never end, just so that I could keep thinking, and he could keep dreaming.
…
Much to the lament of all the HiME, their lives couldn't just be put on hold.
It wouldn't wait for anyone to catch up to its insanely fast pace. It was a demanding and fickle thing, one that wasn't marked by the ticking seconds or hours that seemed to drift on continuously. Mai surely didn't have the luxury to count the clock.
There was work to be had, and studies to pursue. Diving in head first was the only wise option.
It wasn't the most glamorous way to live, but it kept her busy, and that's what she wanted. With her bother out of her reach, she had to do everything in her power not to worry about him. Working herself into exhaustion was just one thing of many. Like most teens, she had friends and hobbies to get her by, and she relied on them often. Karaoke nights had become as routine as school and work for the rest of the week. That wasn't all though, far from it.
Mai had dates to consider now as well, as her budding if not rocky relationship with Yuuichi Tate bore testament to.
It was late at night when Mai got back to the dorm, her work days bussing tables coming to an end as she collapsed on the bed. Her boyfriend closed the door behind them, having been promised dinner and a quiet night in. "Go ahead and make yourself at home, I just need to check something." Mai said, tossing her room key in the basket by the door, her purse landing on the floor nearby.
"Yeah, sure thing." Yuuichi settled himself by the low laying table, leaning on his elbows. "Looking for anything in particular?"
"Hmm." Mai's voice cut through the air in a soft hum. "A letter from Akira and Takumi, if there is one…" The daily mail was sitting on Natsuki's bedside table, though the girl wasn't there and her helmet was gone off the rack. Chances were that Natsuki was off visiting with Shizuru, and with a prolonged sigh, Mai looked over the envelopes. "Let's see, bills for dorm fees, a package of cafeteria coupons for the new semester, and not much else." She tossed the short stack back in their original spot. "It figures."
"I'm surprised you're not spamming their phone with texts." He didn't want to seem it, but he was concerned. "It's been a few weeks now, hasn't it?" The ex-kendo club member asked as he eyed Mai with aloof worry. "I thought you talked with them more than that."
"We did at first." Mai shrugged as she pulled on her apron and searched through her pantry. "Akira called once or twice a day when Takumi was in recovery, but then it tapered off. Long distance calling is expensive. We don't have that kind of money." She was comforted that her brother wasn't alone, even though she wished she could have gone with him. "A letter normally comes once a week, but the mail can be slow sometimes."
Yuuichi looked around the room. His own dorm wasn't nearly as clean, and he only had one roommate, not two. It was clear that every girl in this room had their own personal space, and that it was carefully maintained. Interested in the bookshelf crammed with study materials, he meandered over to it. He glanced over the books, which strangely enough had several spiraled notebooks filled with things he couldn't even begin to comprehend. "How long do you think he'll be in America for?" He asked as he flipped through the pages.
"I don't know. The original plan was six weeks, but it's been almost two months." Mai said as she started water to boil. Coming to his side, she took the complicated notes from him. "You know, Natsuki's going to be angry if you mess up her shelf."
"Get real, that's Kuga's?" He barked a laugh. "Didn't know she had it in her."
"Math and science are her two strongest subjects." Mai said absentmindedly as she set the book back, paying attention to Natsuki meticulousness. "It's her other classes she has trouble in, mostly because she hates them and doesn't pay attention."
"Huh…" He lifted an eyebrow at that before shrugging off the thought entirely. He turned to the busty girl, letting his eyes drag over her in ways that drew him in curiously. "Well, whatever. Not like I care about what she does in her spare time." In fact he was far more interested in Mai, and their floundering romance. She was as confusing as she was sexy. He couldn't deny the feelings she inspired in him. "So…Kuga's gone for the night then?" He asked quietly, trying to work up his nerve.
"More like for the weekend." Mai said with a soft laugh, stepping closer when she felt his hands on her hips. "She's been spending the night over at Shizuru's place more and more." With a tiny smirk, her arms playfully wrapped around his shoulders. She always felt a little shiver skitter down her spine when they were so close, and alone to boot. "I left Mikoto with Reito. We've got the dorms to ourselves until room check and curfew."
"Y-yeah, I guess we do." He felt his throat run dry at that thought, a silly grin ghosting his lips. It was foolish luck, but he was grateful for it.
Mai smiled a little, her voice turning soft in a way he had never heard before. "Are you going to kiss me, or not?"
He leaned in before a chuckle consumed him. "That depends, are you going to hit me again?"
It was a tiny shake of her head, but it spoke volumes as she drew ever closer to him, her fingers tangling in his short, messy tresses. He was rough around the edges, in his words and his actions. He wasn't the kindest person Mai had ever known, but there was something about the way his brown eyes softened. In rare moments of togetherness saved only for her, he was a different kind of man.
Dropping her guard for him completely hadn't come easily to Mai, but, she didn't regret it. Instead, a quiet murmur of affection slipped from her lips as they experienced their first real, and uninterrupted kiss. Mai thought that nothing could ever taste sweeter.
…
I wasn't sure what to think when we got back to Japan, but, I instantly found myself slipping into old routines.
I don't even think I did it knowingly. Takumi seemed to get the idea without me having to tell him. We were home now, and not everyone knew I was a girl. If I had any hope of continuing to room with him, we had to keep my identity well under wraps. I wanted to stay with him though, and it was easier to do that if everyone thought that I was a guy.
It occurred to me, Takumi wasn't the only reason I wanted to stay in the boys dorms. It felt awkward, and strange to put a finger on.
I pushed the feeling aside, and didn't think about it.
…
Coming home was like a breath of fresh air, but it was far from soothing.
They'd kept quiet about their arrival back to Japan. It wasn't meant as a surprise, not exactly, anyway. It was just better not to start excitement. Takumi knew he'd get an earful later, but he was tired. The flight and car ride back to the dorms of the academy took a lot out of him. The boy's dorms were quiet. The halls completely empty.
They'd opened the door to their old room. It was exactly as they had left it, although there was a clear lack of dust. Even in this, there was little comfort, as old phobias rested within the depths of memory.
"Wow the place is clean for once." Akira noted as a wave of something sweet hit her nose. An air freshener sat on top of one of the bookshelves, and the bedding smelled of fresh detergent. "It looks better than when I first moved in."
"Mai must have looked after the chores while we were gone." Takumi said upon seeing the fluffiness of his bed. "I'll have to think of some way to repay her for all that she's done." His feet felt like jelly, and the bed was soft. "Mai's too careful of me."
"You two do it to each other." Akira wasn't surprised that Mai looked after the boy so much, but even she had to agree there was a time and place for it. "Ever since I've known you two, you guys tip-toe around each other." Now that Takumi was getting better, that time would soon come to an end. "It's actually kind of aggravating."
"Well, I plan to talk to her about that." Takumi said, awed by the little details left on his bedside. "I just don't know how to say things right…"
"Uh, just tell her to back off a bit?" Akira asked sarcastically with an upraised eyebrow. "I think she'll understand."
"That's easy for you to say, you don't have siblings your close to." Takumi said with a laugh, realizing for not the first time that Akira wasn't the nicest of people by nature. "I don't want to hurt Mai's feelings either." He smirked then, seeing that even his figurines had been tended to, dusted and put in meticulous order. "Mai's kind of soft, and she's been like a mother to me."
"Yeah, but she's not your mom." Akira turned to him, trying to understand the now blank expression that gave no hint to his thoughts. "Sorry…that was harsh of me."
"No, you're right." Takumi said as she shook his head. "You don't have to apologize for that."
Maybe she didn't, but that didn't make it easier for her to accept. "I spoke out of line. It's not really any of my concern." The idea of loss bothered Akira, death itself something that struck her as a taboo. "I'm just an outsider looking in."
Takumi reflected on that long ago past. "I don't remember my mom very well. Mai's always played that role for me." It was silly to think about, but when he was little, he clung to her for everything.
Akira nodded but said nothing to her thoughts on the matter. Instead, she examined the pantry, her findings less than stellar. "Crap, the fridge is empty." Akira grimaced, not having thought that far ahead. "We'll have to go shopping tomorrow…"
"It's alright, I should also go let the school nurse know I'm back. We can do some errand running then." He said quietly as he dialed a number by heart. "First, I'm going to call Mai, and let her know we're back."
"Yeah, okay." Akira muttered, worried about how the carrot top might react. "I've got some stuff I need to take back to the library. I should probably go talk to the headmaster too. I think I'll do that while you visit with your sister." Then as she checked the locked box under her bed, she pulled some cash from the inside. "I'm going to hit the corner store too, you want anything?"
"Nothing major." He shrugged with a smirk as he held the phone to his ear. "Maybe some strawberry milk?"
"Yeah, sure." Akira said with a grin.
Cherry blossom season had come and gone. The warm summer and fall had ebbed into the rainy cold season known as winter. As she grabbed her coat again, she closed the door behind her, not looking back. Life as they used to know it kicked back into full swing. That should have been a comfort, but it seemed like dangerous proposition.
When Akira turned back to look at the door for a mere moment, she could have sworn she'd somehow forgotten something.
The abstract feeling bothered her…a feeling she hadn't experienced since the HiME carnival. She disregarded it, forced it away from her gut, and took a breath. The carnival was over. Memories were pointless, and old fears were stagnate. Instead, she forced the anxiety away from her mind, dragging the wisps of the past into the hellhole they belonged in.
Life here had to have changed, she was gone too long for things to have remained the same.
"Hey, Okuzaki!" A feminine voice pulled Akira from her thoughts, and she sighed as she realized it was one of the high school students. Yayoi Ota, she shared a class with Mai, and frequented the gossip chains more often than not. She wasn't a particularly troublesome girl, although she was often very friendly.
"Ota…" Akira nodded, stopping her trek through the campus. "Long time, no see." She crossed her arms over her chest, appearing standoffish.
"You can say that again." The short teen said with a beaming grin. "Hey, does Mai know that you're back?"
"Takumi just called her, I think." Akira shrugged, inwardly sighing as the girls began to flock. Several others from the high school coming to Yayoi's side. Akira wasn't sure about all of them, but there was a pair that tailed behind that she instantly placed as the school's leading gossip queen herself, Chie Harada.
"You should have called Mai sooner." Chie said with a smirk as she glanced down at her phone. "She just ran barreling like a bat out of hell out of homeroom."
"Hey, don't look at me." Akira said a bit nervously as she shoved one hand in her pocket, the other raised in mock surrender. "I'm not Takumi's keeper."
"How did his operation go?" Yayoi cut back in, her exuberance full of her usual cheer. "You took good care of him, right?"
"Well yeah, that's why I went." She was starting to feel uncomfortable, and looked down at her watch. "I've got to get some errands done. See you around ladies." Akira could hear the swooning as she broke free of the tiny circle that she seemed to attract without meaning to.
"Hey, hold it!" Chie called, stopping Akira in her tracks. "I'm not done with you yet."
"What do you want now?" Akira asked, her tone cold. She didn't dare turn around.
"I just want to verify something." Chie said gently, a concern slipping into her voice. "Takumi's really okay, right? You haven't been here, so you don't know how worried Mai's really been."
"He's fine." Soft and truthful was the best way to go, and Akira took a breath to ease herself. "In fact I'm stopping by the headmaster's place to let her know we're back." She tossed a glance over her shoulder. "Is that all you wanted to ask?" When Chie nodded, Akira waved her off as she jogged away before anyone else could stop her. "Some things never change." She murmured to herself before her worry came bubbling to the surface again.
That was not the comfort she thought it should have been.
She needed to confirm her belief. If something was going on, there was one person who would know for sure. As she lifted her phone to her ear, she waited for a woman who'd been ignoring her calls for a while now. Again, it went to voicemail, and again, Akira sighed.
This was an old city, where fighting carried a history and bloodline all of its own. Danger always lingered in the all too distant darkness. There was nothing she could do but wait for answers, just like she wanted for the automated recording to end.
-Kuga here, you've probably missed me because my phone's turned off…that, or I just don't care. Leave your name and number, and if I feel like it, I'll get back to you. If it's really important, you know what to do.
"Natsuki, it's me." Akira muttered, cursing her very luck. "Call when you get the chance, I need to talk to you." She said into the receiver, a hint of a growl in her voice. "Oh, and we're back, no parties…make sure of that, okay?" Akira wasn't the only one with a strange, lingering sense of foreboding…but she was the only one who attributed it to a paranoid sense of battle that had ended long before.
Even so, there was something inscribable on the wind.
…
We all had baggage…have baggage, I mean.
Funny thing about being a HiME, you kind of forget that you're the odd one out. That not everyone, or everything is as strong as you are. When you lose that power, it's just as unsettling, maybe even more so. You remember how human you really are. HiME aren't gods, they're not indestructible. In fact, I think it's the opposite.
We're more destructible, more fragile, because we were HiME. We don't have our strengths anymore. That just means our weaknesses are that much more obvious. It's the dimwitted people that bounce back the easiest. It would be nice if we could all be that stupidly naïve, but, we can't all have that luxury.
For some of us, the lingering fear won't ever go away. I know now, that I'm one of those kinds of people. That even in spite of my changes, I can't erase the past.
…
For a person like Natsuki, that inexplicable cloud of foreboding was a normal thing to feel.
Her life was never paradise, and even in every day normality, she didn't find it easy. In fact, it was difficult because of her feelings. It was because of the HiME battle that she found herself in this terrible mess in the first place. Lost and struggling to find the shortfalls in her life in an attempt to fix things.
To repair the damage that time had done.
It was cold outside…colder than it should have been. The chill in the air was crisp enough to send the fauna away into hiding. Natsuki didn't much care for the undue nip that sent shivers down her spine. Stuffing her hands into her pockets, she muttered, waiting for the city bus. The air crept a blush across her cheeks all the way to the tip of her nose. Try as she might to warm herself, it was a failing endeavor.
She would much rather use her own mode of transportation, but that was currently unavailable. With a groan of annoyance, she lamented again that her bike was in the shop.
The bus stop was poorly lit, trash everywhere. A flickering light above her head seemed dim and lifeless. The bench was vandalized with marker and paint, and she took only a moment to admire the artistic maliciousness upon the city's property. It was the inner city of Fuka, so, it came as expected. Even so, there was a limit to how crass one could be. The mangled curse words were enough to make her disgusted by the inhabitants who saw fit to leave such a mess.
The slurs were sickening, she fought to ignore them.
She was all for rebellion, but there was a line, and the markings crossed it. Not that Natsuki would ever do anything about it. She pulled out her phone, sending a text absently when a warm, welcomed figure took a seat next to her.
"Can't get a ride?" A voice husked gently, a quiet question left only for Natsuki's ears.
"Nope." Natsuki said, stuffing the phone back into her pocket. "You couldn't bum one either?"
"I like the bus." The younger woman said, pushing down the hood that kept her face concealed from the chilly air. "Gives me time to think. Mai's with Takumi. They deserve a little space before I go back to the dorms." Her hands found themselves shoved into the warmth of her pockets, and she gave Natsuki a sideways glance. "What about you, something up?"
"No. Mai blew up my phone with texts when she found out." Natsuki muttered, though she was truly happy for Mai's sake. "Thinking is something I'd rather do alone." It had been a bad day, so the bitterness of the cold got to her. "I'm just out here because my bike is screwed."
Her companion chuckled.
"There are a lot of things you'd rather do alone." The truth didn't need a mask, and Akira knew it. Natsuki was indeed a loner to some extent, and even enjoyed stretches of solitude to gather her own thoughts. "Doesn't that eventually make you get lonely?"
"No…not really." Natsuki turned to her friend, if the person in front of her could even be called that. For the longest time they teetered on a very strange line. Thin, and poorly drawn between them. They weren't close by any means, merely tied together by something abstract that they both hated. The HiME were funny like that, friendships based on obligation rather than freewill. "Why, should I be?"
"I guess not, I'm not really all that sociable either." Akira admitted, though she wasn't a butterfly, or the epitome of popularity, she still made time for her friends. "Difference is, I know enough to pick up the phone when someone calls."
Yeah…about that…" Natsuki shrugged, scratching the back of her head. "It wasn't like I was trying to avoid you, or anything like that, Akira."
"Well it felt like it." The words were dull, but the intent behind them was sharp enough to catch Natsuki's attention. "Don't get me wrong, I just want to know if it's safe here, for Takumi's sake."
"It's safe." Natsuki said then, her emerald eyes quickly found Akira's gaze. "Well, as safe as this place can be, I guess. Nothing weird at least."
"That's fine." Akira nodded then. A moment of shared silence left the companionship between them comfortable. For a long time, they sat like that, waiting for a bus that they now assumed may never come. Akira took some time to admire the woman at her side, studying the intensity that Natsuki seemed to exude without even trying. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine." Natsuki averted her eyes. "It's…it's going to be okay, I think." No, she hadn't answered Akira's calls and decided to put it to the back of her mind. She couldn't avoid the question any longer though. There was a shared truce between them founded on ambiguous communication. "Shizuru and I have been trying to figure it out."
"Trying?" Akira asked then, seeing the guilt in Natsuki's eyes. "Doesn't sound so good to me."
"Yeah, well…can't do much else." Natsuki murmured.
"Sounds average." Akira deadpanned then as she came to a conclusion. One that had been bubbling in her mind for a long while. "If it was going well, I'd actually be more worried."
Natsuki nodded at that. "Yeah, it would be the calm before the storm."
"That's not the case though." The assumption was a heavy one, but Akira didn't mind. "Want to talk, or no?"
Natsuki shrugged quietly. "Not too big a deal, really." It was no secret, and Akira would find out sooner or later, everyone else important to Natsuki already knew. "There's a lot of pain for Shizuru, I can't take it all away."
"She wants you to try?" It was a cruel question, and Akira was the first person to actually have the guts to voice it.
"Who knows? She doesn't say." Natsuki was starting to feel as if that one admission said too much, and she coughed to clear her throat. "Uh, well…you know how it goes." Turning away was the easiest way to hide the turmoil in her eyes. "It probably hurts, but, hell if I know." She swallowed hard, feeling like a weight was on her chest. "She keeps using love as a control point to tie me down...it's like...like she's terrified of me."
"You kissed her, right? During the fight, I mean." Akira asked then. "And you felt nothing?"
"It wasn't like that." Natsuki shook her head. "Jesus, you're starting to pry, like a few other people I know."
"Chill, I'm only trying to help." Akira said, shyly looking away. "You don't have to bite my head off…"
"But that's what I'm good at." Natsuki retorted, kicking a stone that was near her foot. "Burning bridges, pushing away the people that I care about." She gave a dark smirk. "If I can do it to Shizuru, I can do it to Mai, and Mikoto…even Nao. Means I can do it to you too."
"That's different." Akira protested. "You guys, are a rare breed. You and Shizuru I mean, it's out of this world."
"Not denying it." Natsuki offered with a sad smirk. "We've always been like that."
"You probably still will be." Akira took a breath, it bothered her deep down that things went so unresolved.
"I'm going to try and make it work." Natsuki said then with a soft resolve. "I want to try, I have to...for her sake."
It was amazing what the icy HiME was capable of. That somehow, in spite of the fragments lingered, she desired to continue on. "You're strong, Natsuki." Akira was stunned by that conflict that bore down right into Natsuki's core. Her entire being something nearly unreachable. "You and Shizuru got lucky…Takumi and I, we're different…"
Natsuki lifted an eyebrow. "I don't get how." She told Akira as she checked her watch. "Hell, you probably have it easier. Takumi's a pretty easy going guy."
"It's just weird…" Akira told Natsuki, pointedly. "I thought maybe if I knew where I stood with him, I'd be able to figure out my feelings, but Takumi's too complacent."
"I get that." Natsuki murmured, a soft nod made some of her hair fall into her face. "Might be a luxury."
"He has his own worries too." Akira said with a shake of her head. "He doesn't say them often enough. Only the little stuff."
"Yeah…I get that too." Unlike her usual confidence, she wasn't too keen on removing those unruly tendrils right away. It hid her expression, a mask she counted on. "Shizuru's eccentric, but at least she made her desire clear. She knows exactly what she wants from me. It's suffocating."
"It's that bad?" Akira wasn't sure how to take Natsuki's words.
The woman just shrugged, her voice not at all betraying her, even if the rest of her body tried to. "In the end, I think being with her might actually destroy the two of us."
"It's too soon to tell." Akira breathed, praying that was the case. Somehow, she doubted it, her words flimsy under the emerald gaze that shot to her.
Natsuki nodded, as she stood up. "I think I'm going to walk back to the campus." She muttered, hands stuffed into her pockets once more.
Akira watched for a moment, seeing the defeatist slump in Natsuki's shoulders. It called to her, and forced her to make note of the solitary woman known as Natsuki Kuga. There had always been something about her, something aloof and distant, and yet the woman commanded attention with every step she took. It was so contradictory, frightfully so.
It was very strange, unnerving even…and such a thing was an inspiration, even now. Akira grabbed her bag filled with books from the library, jogging to catch up. "Hey, Natsuki, do you still have that black suit of yours?"
"My leathers?" Of course she had them, she kept them up in the dorm when she wasn't using them. "They're in my room, why?"
"When we get back, you should put them on." Akira said, holding her sketch pad in hand. "I want to draw someone I've never had the opportunity to sketch before."
"Oh, God…" Natsuki rolled her eyes. "Did Mai put you up to this?"
Akira shook her head. "One sketch." She said, hands in her pockets. "I have one of all of the HiME…all of them except for you."
Natsuki just sighed, considering it. "I'm not posing in the common room."
"Mai's visiting Takumi." Akira pointed out. "We can just use your room."
"Fine…" Natsuki sighed as she kept walking. "Just don't go blabbing to anyone about it afterwards."
…
It wasn't like we were friends, or anything…
It's just, Mai and Takumi are gentle people. After the carnival, before Takumi and I left for America, Mai was upset. Torn I think, between going with him, and staying in school. Someone had to go, we all agreed he shouldn't go by himself. However, Natsuki and I agreed that Mai had to stay in Japan, for her own good.
Natsuki wanted to go, likely to get some space, but her attendance record wouldn't allow it.
So, I went instead. We started talking out of our mutual interest in keeping Mai and Takumi stable. Mai, had a hard time of it at first, but, it got easier and she began to accept it. She has Natsuki and the others to thank…Natsuki's tough like that. When it comes to other people, she can face anything down. In her own ways, she's gentle too.
When it came to Shizuru back then, Natsuki was at a loss…on the verge of a break down…I'd never seen her like that. Crying on the inside, while so strong on the outside.
…
Akira had to be careful, sneaking quietly into the dorm room that Natsuki shared with Mai and Mikoto. If they were caught, someone would get the wrong idea. Most of the students thought Akira Okuzaki to be the leading cute boy of the dorms. They'd built up a fantasy that she was a young gay male. Truth be told, it was easier that way. Willingly, she continued to let them blow it out of proportion. During the carnival, that singular thing had given an amazing cover story.
However, masquerading around as a boy meant she was forbidden to be in the girls dorms after hours. If they saw her snooping around, she wasn't going to hear the end of it. Thankfully her training paid off, and she made it without anyone catching her.
Walking into the girl's dorm was like walking into a perfectly reserved time capsule. The smell of spices, the one carefully made bed next to two completely rumpled ones, the television that had been regulated to the corner of the room…it seemed too easy, too familiar. The table sat invitingly in the center of the room, and Akira was sure that if she lifted it, she's see indents in the area rug.
It was as steadfast a sight as anything.
When Natsuki came out of the bathroom in her skin tight leather biking suit, a whole new level of familiarity lingered in the room. In Natsuki's humble opinion, being sketched was a stupid thing to agree to do.
The sketch pad told no lies though. Everyone else had been made into a piece of art by Akira's skilled hands, some people had multiple drawings of them in large groups. Natsuki was nowhere to be found. There was one drawing that caught her eye, one that lifted sadness back into her heart. "When did you…never mind." She trailed off, the drawing was done with colored pencil, and captured Shizuru usual serenity perfectly.
"Shizuru's an easy target to draw and paint." Akira said with after taking a look at the sketch. "She's always in those flower gardens just below the mountain top. From the art club room, it's as simple as looking out of the window. She was almost always there."
Natsuki knew why that was, and fought to swallow down her discomfort at the reminder. "She loves the gardens, so it makes sense." That particular place was so important to Shizuru, especially now. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Look, I don't think I'll be a very good subject for this."
"If Makoto can sit still, so can you." Akira retorted, flipping to a blank page. "Just get into a pose you can be comfortable in without moving around too much."
Natsuki's eyes slipped closed as she leaned on the nearby wall. "Fine, but I don't feel like sitting." She propped a boot clad foot behind her. Tilting her head downwards, long midnight tresses of hair cascaded around her. For the sake of her own modesty, she closed her eyes. "How's this?"
Footfalls came near. "Stay still." The order was quiet and meticulous.
A brush of fingertips across her neck startled her, and Natsuki bristled, opening her eyes. "What the hell?"
"The light." Akira said, her words little more than factual, her eyes disinterested in much the same way. "The way that it hits, you'd look better with your hair pulled to the side."
"Whatever." She did it herself, getting back into position. "Is this good now?" She asked, an edge in her voice.
"Stay still." Akira said with a nod, and Natsuki closed her eyes again.
After a few moments, the sound of scratches cloaked the room. Pencil hit paper over and over in a strange tattooed rhythm. Tiny little noises, uneven, and fractured. Some much louder than others….it was methodical, but also haphazard. For reasons unbeknownst her, Natsuki found the action soothing.
"So, you draw a lot then?" The biker asked awkwardly, feeling as though she were some showpiece, and that was a feeling she tried best to avoid at all cost.
"Every day." Akira told her, not letting herself stray away from the task at hand. "You?"
"I don't draw." Natsuki bit out.
"A hobby, I mean." Akira amended. "Everyone has something, you should too."
"I'm not a very exciting person." Natsuki swallowed hard. She had no intention of telling Akira of her collection. "I guess, playing video games." Natsuki offered instead, feeling awkward. "I don't really do much." Or rather, before, she hadn't had time for hobbies.
"What actually happened?" Akira finally asked, her bluntness something harsh and agitated. "If you don't tell me, I can't do anything."
"Nothing happened." In fact, Natsuki knew that was likely the problem. "Shizuru's uneasy, and possessive. I get that she loves me, I love her too…I don't even mind saying that anymore. I just get the feeling she doesn't trust me, or maybe she doesn't trust everyone else…I don't know."
"She doesn't talk?" Akira said in assumption. "Hey, don't move around."
Natsuki stopped tapping her heel, and sighed. "What the hell is this, an interrogation?"
"Don't be a big baby." Akira groused then, she stopped her sketch mid-way through. She had to erase what Natsuki's nervous fidgeting had managed to screw up. "I get it, if you don't want to talk…that's fine, but I know you aren't okay."
"Just hurry the hell up, I don't want to stand here all night." Natsuki barked darkly as she forced an angry hint of a blush away from her cheeks.
Akira nodded, knowing Natsuki couldn't see her behind closed eyelids. There was something comforting to that as she licked her lips. "Hey, umm, I tried to call Gennai earlier today. I wasn't able to." Admitting it was harder than she thought it would be. "That should be a comfort…but…"
Natsuki understood, the tiny nod and squaring of her shoulders were stronger than words. "The powers a HiME has, are the feelings of her heart. They're just given a tangible form." She opened her eyes then, looking to the grains in the wood flooring. Each ring was like a ripple, each unsteady wave was something marked in those slats of wood forever. "We've all tried, just to see."
"Even someone like you?" Akira asked then as she completed her sketch.
"Especially someone like me." Natsuki with a tiny, yet bitter smirk. "I miss having Duran, and what he represented." Natsuki wouldn't come out and say it clearly, but she had a faint hope. A thought that maybe, just maybe, if she had Duran, Shizuru would truly believe her words. Her desires for that single thing lead the futile effort of trying to reawaken herself.
It was something that died as ingloriously as any other impossible effort Natsuki had made. Duran was gone, and he wasn't going to be coming back.
There was no more tangible evidence, no direct window into her soul. Natsuki knew she was not the best at words, her actions defined her. Yet, being unable to call Duran was just a tiny failure. A dent in the armor around who she was, and who she wanted to be. Emerald eyes met those of deep molten amber. "The only thing I can say, is that the lack of our powers doesn't exactly mean the lack of our feelings…you're still you, and whatever reason you had in the carnival, that reason is probably still important."
Akira nodded but didn't say anything as she felt a firm grip on her shoulder pulling her from the depth of her thoughts. There was a firmness, a steel that Natsuki carried, such a thing exuding from her in all the best of ways. "Those things are still worth protecting."
…
Those beautiful words she said to me, I keep them close, just like my art.
I like to draw…I don't know why…I just do. Takumi asked me about it once, I just sort of shrugged at him. I like the routine, I guess, and maybe the focus too.
I want to be able to look at something and see the good in it. I've always tried to live my life that way. The fact is, sometimes, that's just not good enough. There are limits, and that's just the way it is. Trying to question those limits, well, that's part of life too…but make no mistake. There is a limit to everything.
I think, Takumi knew that, even when we were so young…it just that coming back to Japan solidified those truths for him.
…
Smiling was an easy tactic when it came to pushing away the worries of others. To bury them so deep, many would be left oblivious. It was a gift that both Mai and Takumi shared. They were adept at smiling, and feigning ignorance. It was a game played out of necessity. A truth never uttered, in spite of the torment it caused. It was how they got by in their youth, but that game could not go on forever.
They both knew it, but trying to find the right time was difficult.
To say the siblings encountered some personal tension was understatement. The room seemed weighed down by the things they refused to say. It was an ugly habit, but an old one…it was going to die hard. They had lived their whole lives speaking to one another halfheartedly. Afraid to hurt the other, and be hurt in return…their past was mutually silent. Murmurs that belonged in the shadows. Grievances that might as well have been unforgiven sins. All of it was shoved away by forced little smiles, because that's what they wanted.
That all too fleeting pretense of happiness.
The lies were easy, too easy. Takumi wished that was not the case, but he found himself powerless in front of those soft eyes. Mai coddled him, she was in many respects the mother that he couldn't recall. He felt that weight every time he saw her. The anxiety in her violet eyes washed over him, and for a long time they didn't say anything. It was as if speaking would shattered the glasslike emotions around them.
Finally, just when it got to be too hard, the eldest smiled sadly, and took the first step.
"I'm glad you had a safe trip, but, you should have told me you were coming home." Mai said quietly as she sat at Takumi's side. She lifted a hand to his ruddy head of hair, ruffling it between her fingertips. "I would have gone to the airport and greeted you there." She felt bad that she had been kept out of the loop, and struggled to maintain composure. "I'm always here for you." The sight of her brother was almost too much. "All you need to do is ask, and I'll do anything for you."
"I know." He said, as he took her trembling hand and removed it from his head. "You're too good to me." He didn't want to be babied anymore, he didn't want that all too easy luxury. Even as she gave him the ability to be weak freely, he refused himself that simple comfort. "That's why I didn't say anything about it." He looked away shamefully. "I didn't want to burden you."
"I…I see…but, you're not a burden." Mai was unsure what to do.
"I am." Takumi had become so sure of it. "I'm going to become a terrible one if don't take notice of that now."
"That's impossible, you're my baby brother." She'd never seen her brother sit before her in such a way, broad shouldered, firm and resolute. "You may have gotten older, but to me you'll always be the baby of the family."
"Sis, we're the only ones left." That fact bothered him, but Mai had endured the brunt long enough for his sake. "There is no family anymore, Mai. We're the only blood tie...it's gone." He'd thought about it long and hard while he was in America, the conclusion his firm belief. "I can accept that, I'm even okay with it because that's the only kind of life I've ever really known." The one thing that he couldn't be okay with, was letting Mai continue to protect him. Sheltering him from the cold world he'd become all too well aware of. "That's why I want you to find your own happiness, something that doesn't include worrying about me."
Mai felt a pang of sadness in those words, and yet, there was sense of pride lingering there too. "I will." She promised as she regarded his honesty with equal measure of her own. "I'm actually pretty happy now." Still, her eyes seemed to play tricks on her. He was taller than he used to be, his voice was changing too. He was becoming a man, and in those few months that he was gone, Mai had missed a step somewhere. She realized tiny little hairs on her brother's upper lip were starting to sprout. "You really have grown, Takumi."
He smiled, laughing a little as he shook his head. "Not that much." Still, to have that acknowledgement was important to him. "Only a little bit." Awkwardly, he gave his sister's hand a little tug, wrapping his arms around her when she got close enough. "Sis, I missed you."
"Takumi, you had me worried sick." Mai murmured as she held into him, realizing that he was actually home. That he wasn't going anywhere, not anytime soon. She could feel the scar beneath her fingertips, and she couldn't stop the tears of relief that fell from her eyes.
"Mai, you don't have to worry about me anymore." His arms were unwaveringly gentle. "It's okay…I'm okay." His fingers slid through her carrot colored hair, as he felt the hot tears fall onto him. Years of worry and grief melted from her in ways he had not anticipated. "I'm alright." He wondered if his sister believed him, as her shoulders shook violently. "It'll be alright now."
"I know." Her voice remained uneasy, but her words were calm. "I've always believed that." When she pulled away, her eyes fell to his open shirt, and the mark that that branded him, and would do so for the rest of his life. She reached out to touch it, pulling away at the last moment. "The scar's so large…"
"I've made peace with it." Takumi said as he grabbed her hand, putting it over his scar. "I promise."
It was rough to her soft fingertips. Mai's gut did a little flip as she realized the finality of those markings, the safety they'd provided wouldn't be something she could measure. Even so, there was something about him, the way he smiled reminded Mai of their father. It was humbling, as she began to see such confidence in the boy who not that long ago, had none of which to speak. "You know, Takumi, you're starting to act like dad."
…
I'm pretty sure Mai stayed in the boy's dorm that night.
She didn't come back to her room, that's for sure. I didn't go back to mine because I didn't want to interrupt anything. Takumi needed some time with his sister, and felt like if showed up, he wouldn't have it. Siblings are weird, I've never had the chance to get close to mine.
I'd like to think if I had a close sister, she'd be like Mai. If I had a close brother, he'd be like Takumi...its a moot point, anyway.
Natsuki and I stayed up all night, but most of it was spent in comfortable silence. I knew she was upset about Shizuru, but I didn't know what to say about any of it. Natsuki's always been the type of person to get more out of quiet company, and, so am I.
That's why I didn't mind.
…
Natsuki dreaded the grilling she was going to get as soon as stepped foot into the home she share with Shizuru unofficially. Whenever she wasn't sleeping at the dorm, she was with Shizuru, wrapped up in a conflicted embrace.
Their love was a strange one, and Natsuki wasn't entirely sure how she felt about Shizuru's possessive nature. She knew it wasn't going to be easy, but sometimes spending time with Shizuru was like dancing on a knife's edge.
Shizuru was a demanding woman, fulfilling in the right doses, but too much of her became maddening quickly. Too little, and Natsuki wondered at the nature of their relationship. It always seemed to go forward a little before spiraling out of control, and Natsuki felt forced to take a step back. In didn't help that the insecurities that they both had were conflicts of interest, and both of them knew they were entirely dysfunctional.
Even so, neither one of them were willing to give up trying…their friendship unquestionable, their love heated and on the brink of insanity.
"Where were you?" A beautiful lilt echoed from the living area, as footfalls neared closer. "Natsuki, you had me worried." As Natsuki had predicted, Shizuru started as soon as she entered the house.
"Out." Natsuki said with a shrug, handing Shizuru a cup of hot tea from her favorite diner. "I do that sometimes." She grumbled softly, taking a sip of her own dark coffee. "You know that, it's nothing new."
"Yes, I understand that. Even so, I don't approve of you being gone all night." Shizuru accepted the drink, but her eyes didn't soften. A withdrawn anger was doused by outward disappointment. "You know I don't like it when you do that." In fact, those crimson eyes seemed to grow darker, more predatory. "Didn't we agree that you wouldn't go sneaking about in places you didn't belong?"
"I didn't. I went to the same place I always do, the dorm." It was an old, rehearsed battle, and one Natsuki knew she wouldn't win. "I know you want me to stay here every night, but I need my space too sometimes."
"You can have your space here." Shizuru rebuked. "That's why you keep your own room, isn't it?"
Natsuki swallowed hard. "You're the one that wants me to sleep over on the weekends…but the fact is, I still live in the dorms with Mai." She tried to be gentle as she said it, but pain she felt was cutting into her. "Don't you trust me?"
"When you go back to that dorm, I sometimes wonder if I should." Shizuru murmured darkly as she leaned into Natsuki, pulling the shorter woman closer to her. "You never tell me what you do over there. For all I know, you're fraternizing with people you shouldn't be."
"Oh, yeah, because Mai and Mikoto are the worst people I could be hanging out with." Natsuki just smirked. "That's ridiculous, you should know that."
"Only insofar as your avoidance of me." Shizuru shot back, anger now a boiling to rage. "Why not just move in here?" Shizuru asked, grasping at straws. "What is it about this place that you seem to detest so much?"
"I'm not ready for that." Natsuki sighed at length. "Besides, I have my friends and commitments outside of our relationship. Things like school."
"Then we can get you an apartment." Shizuru said as her eyes narrowed. "I don't like you staying in that dorm with other girls."
"Oh…not this again." Natsuki put her coffee off to the side. "Do I have to go over this with you every single time?" Natsuki asked her softly, holding Shizuru at arm's length. "Look, nothing weird goes on at the dorms. I usually go check up on Mai and Mikoto, catch up on the study group, and sometimes I crash out there." Turning back to the kitchen counter, she took hold of her coffee again, taking another sip as she sighed. "Last night, Takumi and Akira came home. I stayed in the dorms in case Mai needed me."
"What about if I needed you." Heated, angry, competing against some empty shadow. It was all too much. "Did I ever cross your mind last night?"
"You did." Natsuki murmured, though she dare not say what those thought included. "Shizuru, I think about you all the time. That's part of the problem." With a sigh, feeling weak she walked off, pausing at the edge of the kitchen door. "Mornings like this, and your insane paranoia…those are the things that keep me from moving in."
"It isn't that I don't trust you." Shizuru said after a long sigh. "It's everyone else that I find trouble trusting."
"You promised me you'd take this slow." Natsuki murmured when she felt Shizuru's arms around her. "Shizuru, if you want to be with me, you have to respect my need for independence." She leaned into the embrace, trying to drop her guard, finding it hard to do. "You need to give an inch here and there…I promise I'll try to do the same."
"I love you, Natsuki." Shizuru said weakly. "I need you." The words were a terrible utterance that brought no joy to say. "Don't you understand that?"
"I do." Natsuki said as she turned to hold Shizuru in her arms. "I love you too. That's why this is so damn hard." Natsuki sighed, feeling unsure about how to ease the woman that always seemed troubled. "I don't know what I can do for you, Shizuru." Feeling as though the walls were closing in on her, the only thing she could do was keep holding onto the woman that tested her to the brink. "I don't know how to take away your pain, but God, I wish I could."
"Just stay, Natsuki." Shizuru implored. "Don't make me wonder, or guess about things."
"You bring that onto yourself." Natsuki said a little coldly. "It's my choice how I live my life." Natsuki said quietly. "I choose to be with you, but you've got to trust that."
"You could just as easily choose to hate me." Shizuru said then, her voice breaking under her words. "I can't take that prospect."
"Idiot…" There was only so much Natsuki could do, only so much she could protect the woman in her arms. "I'm right here." It bothered her how much doubt lingered in Shizuru's eyes at any given moment. They faced each other down, Natsuki guided Shizuru to the wall, willing to break that unrelenting gaze. Crimson eyes, like fire, licking at her in intoxicating ways. Sometimes giving into that heat was enough to calm the torrent before it began. "No one else touches me the way you do, I won't let them." Natsuki murmured, as she rested kisses down Shizuru's neck, slipping silk from the woman's shoulders as they melted into each other.
…
Going back to Japan was the catalyst for a lot of things.
It was a period of change. Both drastic and surreal. I'd like to think that change helped to shape us. Realistically, I know that's not so true. We shaped ourselves, and that's what caused the winds of change in the first place. A revolution that started turning when the HiME became a united front…
When we decided to change fate as we knew it, we also decided to separate ourselves knowingly from the reality set forth by the HiME's star. Within that clarity, I can say that fate ended when the star vanished…but, we weren't free from our shackles, until we became free of ourselves, and our pasts.
The end of the battle was just the start of a new future, for all of us.
…
The next day while everyone went to class, Takumi and Akira spent a slow afternoon pent up indoors. It wasn't that they felt particularly lazy, but the travel had worn Takumi out more than he anticipated. More than that, he spent his time contemplating his discussion with his sister, feeling as though the short time spent abroad had given her room to grow. She's told him about her involvement with one of her classmates. He wasn't sure how to feel about Mai having a boyfriend, so he settled on feeling contended that she had found someone to comfort her.
His chest itched more than usual, and after he scratched at it one too many times, Akira nagged him about taking better care of himself. That normally as of recently made him smirk, as she all but forced him to put disinfectant on the area he was picking at.
"Stay still." It was a murmured order. Akira examined the scar and what Takumi claimed to be an itchy spot on his chest. "That kind of nervous fidgeting has to stop." She looked at the tissue, finding it to be relatively normal, and put the usual antibiotic ointment on it to keep it from infection.
"It kind of tickles." Takumi smirked.
"It's not going to tickle if your scar gets infected." Akira bit out, though in truth it was almost completely closed now. "Are your ribs bugging you or something?"
"Only if I breathe in too deeply." Takumi said with a shrug as he sat calmly on the bed. Akira tended to his care. "Those exercises really tire me out."
"You'll pick up your rehab here soon." Akira said quietly as she considered that with a hint of worry. "In the meantime, you really need to keep up your breathing, so that your lungs don't collect fluid."
Takumi nodded, having heard the speech several times since his operation. Inhaling deeply right then, he winced. "It feels so weird." He murmured as he slowly let the air out of his lungs. "It's like someone's tugging on both sides of my chest."
"The doctor said it would be like that until the bone fuses back together completely. Until then, the only thing holding you together is that surgical wire." Akira noted as she went to the sink to wash her hands from the excess medicine. "I can always go get some pain medicine from the nurse's office if you need something."
"It doesn't even hurt." Takumi said with a shrug. "It's just like this weird tugging feeling. That's the best way to describe it."
"Well, as long as you're not in pain, there's nothing for it then." She went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her as she leaned heavily on the wooden pane.
She wanted to just shut down, and not think too deeply anymore. With her usual aggravation she pulled off the several layers of shirts she had on at any given time. The blue academy jacket, the white button down, and the red shirt that was underneath. It was strange how used to coverings she was, even as she stepped away from the door and began to unravel the bandages that bound her chest tightly.
Her breasts were growing slowly, but noticeably, and that wasn't the only thing that irked her.
With a small frown, she scrutinized herself, every failing detail a new curse to her mind. Her fingers ran over her throat, feeling the lack of a protrusion that would rest there. Her voice wouldn't be lowering, she wasn't really a man. Her growing chest was going to give her away eventually. It wasn't only that, the onset of puberty left gentle sprinkling of hair in places she wasn't entirely used to, and her hips were starting to flare just a little, she wasn't too fond of that either.
When she heard the door slide open behind her, she didn't move. She couldn't bear to look at Takumi, couldn't deal with the soft understanding in his eyes. Before she knew it, she found herself wrapped in his arms. His heart beat strong against her back, the rise and fall of his chest solid against her.
"Why do you insist on dong stuff like this?" She asked, her head cocking to the side in a false security. A mask she tossed up as quickly as she did blindly, even if it was only Takumi.
"Because every time you come in to take a shower, you always mutter and glare at yourself." Takumi hated the way she regarded her body with disgust. He tried several times to get her to open up, but failed each and every time. "You know, before I thought it was just because you were crabby." He placed a kiss on her shoulder, hesitant to voice his suspicions. "But you do it too often, and you only seem to get more agitated as time goes on."
"Takumi, I'm half naked." Akira protested as she tried to squirm out of his hold. "G-get out of here, stupid."
"You're the only one who's looking." He said quietly. "I don't know what this is about, and I wish I did." He didn't relinquish his hold, only hugged her closer. "Is this another one of those…secret ninja things…or is this a HiME thing?"
"It's not either." She said as she finally broke free of his hold without any effort at all, tripping him in the process. "It's just me. I'm the problem, got it?" She didn't bother covering herself, feeling that if she tried, it would make her seem weak, and that was one thing she didn't want to be. "Anyway, it would be best if you didn't interfere." She turned to the shower, pushing the curtain back and turning on the spray. "Now get out of here, I don't want to be naked any longer than I need to be."
"Akira…" Takumi frowned at his own powerlessness.
"Just go, Takumi." With that, she built that all too familiar wall of loathing indifference around herself again.
…
I can't say I've ever been the most sentimental person. I was raised to know the pointlessness of that kind of mindset. There really isn't any point to hold onto unchangeable facts, and even though I know that logically, some things remain. I don't believe it's possible to disregard everything, but those early days of my life were some of the most frustrating that I'd ever encountered.
Although, I know the same holds true to the important people in my life now. We all feel the same about those memories, even though we each recall those events a little differently. Some are fonder of them than others. I can't say I feel strongly one way or the other anymore. Reflection is merely that.
However, it's like I said before.
The only thing I've ever wanted back then, was to reach my hand out to a foggy mirror. The way I had it figured, If could wipe away the mist, I could find myself. That way I might be able to finally see the one thing I've always wanted.
The real me.