Title: Sleepless
Author: Lisa M
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye (Trapper/Hawkeye mentioned)
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.
Archive: Anywhere...just let me know.
Feedback: Would be like, totally awesome!
Summary: I don't think I've slept one full night of sleep since I got here.
A/N: There's no MASH on tonight...what's a girl to do? Write some fanfic. Enjoy! No beta...errors are all mine...yadda yadda yadda.
I don't think I've slept one full night of sleep since I got here.
There's a possibility that I was able to sleep the first few weeks...before things got stuck in my head. Blood, bones, death. All of these images become etched inside your brain...they become your life here. And for as long as I can remember, those are the pictures that emerge nightly on the backs of my eyelids when I close them at night.
Those are the demons that have stolen my sleep from me.
Oh, there have been plenty of times when I've collapsed, after 10 too many martinis, into my bunk for a drunken snooze. But we all know that that isn't really sleep. I always feel worse after these nights than I do from simple lack of sleep.
Like tonight. And last night. Probably the night before, too. I've lost count since my last alcohol-induced coma.
The Swamp is quiet, save for Charles' snoring and the soft in and out of BJ's breathing. Once and a while a cricket will chirp or the wind will rustle the tent flaps. I try to let the peaceful sounds of night wrap themselves around me...lull me into slumber.
I know better by now.
Kicking my blankets away, I raise myself up to sit. It's pitch black within the tent, but I have lived in this place (hell) for so long, I instinctively know where everything is located. I quickly lay my hands on both my robe and shoes. I stand, and as quietly as possible, exit the Swamp and enter the darkness beyond.
The air is warm and comforting, the skies clear. I glance to the heavens above and am greeted by a sea of navy blue filled with thousands of twinkling points of light. It is so peaceful that it's almost painful to be standing here beneath it all. I take a deep, cleansing breath, and begin walking.
I know he's there, standing behind me, even though he hasn't made a sound. Don't ask me how...I just know. I can feel him when he's near me. Sense him as if he were a part of me.
"Rough night?"
BJ's voice is soft, as if he does not want to challenge the blanket of quiet just outside of camp that I've tried to hide myself in.
"No," I reply, a small smirk growing on my lips. I look over my shoulder into the eyes of the best friend I've ever had. "Just catching up on my stargazing. I've come to a decision."
"Oh yeah. What's that?"
"I've decided that being a doctor just isn't my thing."
"Hawkeye Pierce...astronomer?" He takes a seat in the grass next to me. "I like it. It suits you."
Comfortable silence envelops us. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes pass before either of us is willing to speak again.
"Don't lie to me, Hawk. Not this time."
"Couldn't sleep. That's all."
"You haven't slept since I've known you."
"Mmmm...hmmmm."
"Did you think I wouldn't notice." Not a question. A statement.
"Truth be told, I never really thought about it." I respond as I pluck a long piece of grass and place it between my lips.
"I think maybe you should talk to Sidney."
He nudges me with his shoulder. I shake my head.
"Beej, he's just going to tell me that I need to replace the images I see with better ones. Force my brain to see happier things. Go to my 'happy place'." I can't keep the mild disgust from coating my words.
"And what's wrong that? That's how I sleep. How I get out of my own head." BJ follows my lead and pulls his own blade of grass. "You really should try it. It might work."
I have tried it, Dr. Hunnicutt. I most definitely have. First, it was home. Then, the nurses that allowed me to spend some time with them. When that didn't work...and it didn't...it became Trapper's face I saw. I've tried everything. And ever since you got to this God forsaken place, it has been you I see. And while I am able to force my brain to cover up the blood...the gore...with you, I cannot stop the rest of my body from awakening further in reaction to your face. So what's that answer, my dear friend? Do I lay awake in despair for what I have seen or in a perpetual state of arousal over something I can't have? You tell me.
"Hawk? You still with me over there?"
"Yeah, I'm here. I was just...lost in thought."
"'Bout what?"
"Life. Love. Sex."
BJ laughs softly and the sound of him stirs the butterflies in my stomach. They begin to flutter rapidly within me.
"Liar," he replies.
I have never been able to lie to BJ...it's just too damn hard. So usually...I don't say anything about - this. He places his warm hand on my shoulder. The heat of his skin against mine burns down into my groin. I shift slightly under his touch.
"Seriously, Hawk. What were you thinking about?"
"Can't say."
"Come on."
His fingers tighten on my shoulder and he forces me to turn. To face him.
"Tell me."
"You."
"Me, what?"
"I was thinking about you." And that's when the dam broke and everything spilled out. "I can't think about happier things because the pictures that flood into me, into my head, are of you. You, BJ Hunnicut, are my happy place. And unfortunately," I pause and swallow the enormous frog that has decided to take up residence in my throat. "That place is just a little bit too happy to be in."
His expression changes rapidly within the span of about a second. Shock to surprise to confusion. Confusion then changes to thoughtfulness and finally settles into relief.
"You idiot," BJ says with a shake of his head and an easy laugh. "All this time..."He leans in and presses his lips against mine. "You should have told me."
"Oh, yeah. Could you just imagine that conversation?
'Hey, Beej. Got a second?'
'Yeah, Hawk. I do.'
'So, I think about you every night before I go to sleep and wind up with such a hard-on that people could confuse me with the mess tent. Pardon the pun.'
'You do?'
'Yeah.'
Wow! Now that's an easy topic to bring up."
BJ is now laughing so hard at my impersonations of us, that tears are rolling down his face. I can't help but become infected with his mirth, so I join in. Soon, we're on our backs, gasping for air, lungs burning, eyes streaming. It takes many long moments before either of us is able to stop laughing and to calm down. BJ sighs contentedly.
"It sure is beautiful out here," BJ says as he rolls over next to me. "Out here, in this field, away from all that."
"Yeah. It's almost like we're in an entirely different place, you know?"
"Maybe we are, Hawk."
His fingers are on my face now, tracing down my cheekbones to my chin. There, they stop for a moment. After small stroke, they slide down my Adam's apple. BJ's hand settles in the nape of my neck, fingers curling into the hair he finds there.
"Maybe this is our place." His lips close on mine again. More forceful this time, but still tender. "Our place to come when things get to be too much. Our escape."
I feel his fingers on my robe, pulling it away from me. I think about stopping him. We could easily be caught here. I realize that I don't give a shit...even if MacArthur himself drove his jeep right to this spot...I don't care. I surrender to BJ. Completely.
Clothes are removed, soft kisses replace them. A warm, solid, strong body replaces those lips. So foreign...so familiar.
I feel myself begin to drift away. Feathery kisses on my throat send me off into the blue.
Blinding light forces my eyes open.
I'm back in the Swamp. In my bunk. It's...I turn and squint at my watch...God! It's almost noon! My body, reacting in shock, jerks itself upright. Was I asleep? Yes, yes I was.
How?
Why?
Damnit! I'm so confused!
The flaps to the tent open and BJ strolls in, a silver tray in his hands and a large smile on his face.
"Good morning, sunshine!" He says, using that singsong voice that usually bugs the hell out of me. But, today...for some reason I have yet to figure out...doesn't. "Wakey wakey!"
A dream.
It was all a dream. The field. The stars. The kiss. The...
Oh, God!
I raise my eyes and watch as my best friend sets out breakfast...or is it lunch?...for me. I can feel the redness of a blush spreading across my face. Shame? Embarrassment? Confusion? I'm not sure...but I know it means something.
"Beej...I had the strangest dre..."
A quick kiss silences me.
"It wasn't a dream, Hawk." He smiles that million-dollar smile of his at me and, with a quick wink, turns to leave. "Now eat up and get up. People are starting to talk. Something about too many martinis again."
I smile at him and pick up my fork. I eat hungrily, shower and join the usual suspects for the usual daily grind. The only difference today is that I think I'll be getting plenty of sleep from now on.
The End