Title: Without You
Summary: Nicky is due to be released in a week's time. She and Red both struggle to accept the reality of the situation. "I didn't plan on being without you." She confessed.
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however own my writing, please don't steal- Johanna002©
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A/N: I would like to dedicate this to AliceSloane13 as it was her birthday on Monday (Oct. 17). nofearonlylove, this is also partially for you, but only if I decide to turn into a multi-chapter story. I'm not quite sure yet, but we shall see. Readers, let me know what you think!
-01-
"Congratulations, Ms. Nichols." Caputo said, he smiled at her gently, closing the manilla folder in front of him before shuffling it away into a drawer. "The parole board was impressed with all of you ah- accomplishments, and the way you've conducted yourself both while in Max security and upon your return here to gen pop." His attention diverted to the small plant on his desk, and he fingered the petals gently as he spoke.
A blank expression coloring her features, Nicky stared at him. She couldn't help but become agitated when he neglected to further elaborate. "What the fuck does that mean?" Her stomach knotted in anticipation and brows furrowed in response. She needed to hear him actually say the words
He glared at her, unimpressed with her response but not necessarily surprised. "It means you're going home. Probably at the end of next week." Had he been paying any attention to her, he would have noticed the sudden slump in her shoulders and her lack of enthusiasm. Dismissively, he shooed her away, "Go, share your news. Stay out of trouble, and call your mother. I'm sure she'll be pleased for you."
Picking at her food, head propped up by her hand, Nicky couldn't help but replay the conversation over and over. It had been three days now since Caputo had given her the news and she had done hardly anything with it.
She had of course called Marka. The memory sent a chill up her spine as she recalled the cold and distant nature of her tone as it echoed over the receiver. Every syllable that left the woman's mouth was just a constant reminder of how irreparable their relationship was. The damage had been done and there was no going back.
Now I have to live with her? It had been hell the first time around, and after their conversation Nicky very much doubted that this time would be different. She wasn't sure if she could handle the strain of having to cohabitate with Marka again. In fact, another stay in Max seemed like a much better alternative.
"Ladies, how are we?" Nicky's wayward train of thought was interrupted by the soft words coated in a Russian accent.
Lorna, who had been watching Nicky spoke first, "We've been quiet." She kicked her friend playfully under the table. "What's wrong Nicky?"
"I'm fine," She lied. "Just a lot on my mind." Turning her head slightly she smiled her famous smile, "Hey, Red." She tried to ignore the way her eye twitched in response to her lie. While it was true that she had a lot to think about, she was most definitely not fine.
Red took a seat next to her. She too had been observing her from the kitchen, and knew better than to play into her false belief that things were alright.
Peeking a glance out of the corner of her eye, Nicky became that much more aware of Red watching her. She forced herself to focus and play her part. She listened as Piper rambled on about her plans for the day, and called out the playful flirting between her Alex. Submerging herself into everyone else's world served its purpose and it distracted her from the blue eyes she knew were still observing her.
Being released into Marka's custody was a daunting enough task to think about without having the added pressure of having to tell her friends she was leaving. Not to mention Red, she would have to tell her too, of course. Reaching for the water on her tray, she focused her eyes on her shaky hand and as she clasped her fingers around the cup. She hoped she had been convincing.
Nicky was well versed in the act of make believe. She knew how to pretend that everything was okay, even when it wasn't. She had been doing it for so long that not only did she fool those around her, often time she was even able to fool herself. The cup lingered near her mouth as she continued to sip from it. Anything to constitute as a distraction, even if it was taking a drink of water, seemed more appealing than confronting her problems.
Setting the cup down, and pushing the hair out of her face she leaned over the table and whispered to Lorna, "Bathrooms are free." She smirked, practically hearing Red's eyes roll as she tried her hand at seduction. A large part of her was serious, but she tried her best to play it off as a joke to spare herself the embarrassment.
Nicky easily admits to herself that Lorna's beautiful eyes were more than enough to keep her grounded in the present. She can also admit that they serve as enough distraction to push her problems to the back burner.
She bit down on the inside of her cheek when Lorna quickly flashed her gold band in her face.
"Married, Nichols." She smiled in an attempt to dull the blow she had just delivered to her friends ego.
Forcing a smile on her lips, she leaned back slightly and began to stand up. Collecting her tray, she peeked a glance toward Red and sighed at the look of pity being reflected back at her. Maybe Red wouldn't say it out loud, but she knew that she was on her side when it came to her relationship with Lorna.
"You're leaving already?" Piper asked in confusion,
Nicky nodded, "I got stuff…" she trailed off. Out of habit she looked to Red and silently cursed herself as she did so.
She knew with just one look Red would be able to tell if she was being honest, and she prayed that she had been convincing. She could feel Red's eyes following her every move as she bused her tray and left.
As Nicky's form disappeared, Red excused herself from the table and headed back into the kitchen. She walked over towards Norma and waited patiently until Flaca had left the counter before speaking.
"Has Nicky said anything to you?"
Norma shook her head and reached up to squeeze her friend's shoulder.
"I'm not sure," Red sighed, "She just seems distracted."
Thinking a moment Norma then touched her hand to her head.
Nodding in understanding, Red smiled softly. "She could have a lot on her mind, but why wouldn't she just come to me about it? She knows I'd help her."
Smiling at her knowingly, Norma shook her head in amusement.
"I can't help it," Red chuckled. "I worry about her," her lips further curved into a smile at how soft she knew she had gotten with Nicky. She knew Norma meant no harm, for she was the same way with Gina.
There was no explanation Red could give for her feelings. She couldn't exactly place it, and she wasn't even sure how describe it but unlike all of her other girls Nicky was solely and purely hers. The connection between them resided on the same level that she connected with her sons and that realization both thrilled and terrified her.
She would die for her children. No matter, what they would always be her first priority and Nicky was no exception. She was her daughter, biology damned. As her mother it was in her nature to worry.
Gloria's voice echoed throughout the kitchen, "Why don't you just ask her?"
Raising an eyebrow in question, Red stared her down before looking over to Norma. Sighing in defeat she motioned with her head for Gloria to join them.
They had earned the nickname 'troublesome three'. The girls in the kitchen regarded them as sisters, seeing Red as the oldest and most dominant; Norma, the middle and reserved; Gloria, the youngest and mouthiest.
"Asking her would be too easy." Red said as she crossed her arms over her chest. "She'd avoid the question."
Gloria sighed in annoyance. "That's when you grab your chancla and whack the crap out of her." She smiled at the look of horror Norma was giving her. "Oh you hush!" she said dismissively, "Your daughter stays out of trouble for the most part. Mine and hers are the main source of mischief in the place."
Norma chuckled and smiled proudly. She had done well with Gina. She bowed out of the conversation gracefully and began to help the other girls clean up.
"I don't want her to think I'm meddling."
"It's not meddling, it's mothering." Gloria leaned against the counter and crossed her own arms. "You're her mother, not her friend."
With a sense of determination and squared shoulders, Red's posture straightened and she looked to the dishes before looking at Gloria once more.
Turning her head Gloria scoffed. "So I give you a little pep talk and you're going to skip out on chores?"
"Yes." Red handed her the apron she'd been wearing.
"It's your turn." She argued. "You can talk to her later!"
Making her exit, Red called over her shoulders, "Kids first, work second."
~RN~RN~RN~
Standing at the entrance of her cube Nicky's eyes scanned over her neatly made bed. This had become her home. To think about life outside of this shit-hole, was almost like a foreign concept.
Like so many of the woman, she had craved her freedom, but now that it was quickly approaching she couldn't help but want more time with her friends, and with Red.
She wanted more time in Litchfield- more time knowing she was okay.
It sickened her to no end to realize that she was a danger to herself. Who knew what her freedom would mean? Nicky slowly sunk down to her bunk, elbows to her knees as she leaned heavily against herself for support.
She wasn't strong enough to do this, to make it on her own. In here she had a support system, a family and friends who only had her best interest at heart. Out there, in the real world, she had temptation at every corner and an absent mother who couldn't give two fucks about her if someone had paid her to.
The pressure was too much, and like a blazing inferno she felt herself being consumed from the inside out. Her resolve cracked as for the first time in a long time she crumbled under the weight of her fears.
"I can't do this," She whispered to herself, head hung low as she cried. She was thankful for the emptiness of the dorms. "You're not strong enough to do this, Nicky." Self-doubt, another thing she was good at.
In a desperate attempt to regain control of her breathing, she ran a hand through the top of her hair and balled up her tresses tightly in her palm. She grunted at the pain she inflicted on herself, and in a strange way she felt slightly better. Her nails dug painfully into her scalp and she grunted another sound of discomfort.
She knew it was fucking desperate to admit that the sensation was euphoric. It only solidified to her once more how dangerous and self-destructive she was. "Probably won't last a whole twenty-four hours, without trying to score," She mocked herself, her tone venomous. The sound of her own voice haunted her, and her eyes closed in disgust as she realized she sounded exactly like Marka.
Her tears glided softly down her cheeks and she shook her head, the disappointment in herself obvious. She had always loathed the way Marka spoke to her, and here she was telling herself the same thing she had always tried to fight against.
Bringing her hands to her cheeks she wiped away the tears and inhaled a deep breath. She moved to stand and froze at the sound of her name.
"Nicky," She turned her head to see Red watching her, arms crossed over her chest with a look of concern in her eyes.
Shifting nervously on the balls of her feet, she mentally debated on how she was going to get out of this.
Walking towards her, Red's eyes were immediately drawn to Nicky's watery brown ones. She smiled softly at the way Nicky scrambled to collect herself. Her gaze softened instantly as she whispered, "Maybe you shouldn't cry in public places if you don't want anyone to see you."
"I thought I was alone." It sounded hollow to her own ears.
With care, and out of habit, Red's hands came to cup Nicky's cheeks, her thumbs softly wiping away any traces of her tears. "Want to talk about it?" She asked softly, smiling at the way Nicky's eyes closed in response to her touch.
"Not really," Nicky mumbled, enjoying the attention. After a few moments she pulled back and blushed in an attempt to dispel her embarrassment. With the tender and concerned way Red was looking at her, she couldn't help the way her bottom lip wobbled or the way her eyes instantly began to water. "I'm okay." She lied, voice cracking as she spoke.
Despite her best efforts, a lone tear trickled slowly down her cheek. She inhaled deeply when she felt Red's finger brush against her cheek, lovingly wiping it away. Even after all these years, Nicky's breath still hitched when she found herself in these delicate moments with Red.
Opening her eyes, she found Red's and she forced herself to smile. Red used her thumb and pointer finger to push Nicky's chin up a little higher, and after a moment of observation she stated, "You're worried about something"
It always amazed Nicky just how well Red could read her, and sometimes it just down right scared her. "It'll pass," She said. There was no point in even attempting to lie to Red. Pulling back she turned and walked over towards her metal cabinet. Bending down, she fiddled with the lock and watched from the corner of her eye as Red walked a little closer before seating herself on her bunk.
Slowly lifting her head up she caught Red staring at her and she quickly averted her attention back to her lock.
"Hmm," Red hummed. "It'll pass?" She watched as Nicky's movements stilled. "Why don't you tell me what you're so worried about?" She pat the spot next to her on the bunk.
Reaching inside the cabinet Nicky's hand grabbed onto the first thing she felt. Pulling out a towel she twisted in her hands nervously. She hadn't really needed anything in the first place, but riffling through her belongings seemed to serve as a decent enough distraction.
"I'm okay Red, really." She twisted the towel in her hands. "You don't have to worry about me. I got this."
Nodding her head, Red echoed her enthusiastically. "You got this!"
Had Nicky not known any better she would have assumed that Red was mocking her. Squinting at her she frowned when she saw Red's playful smile fade away. Her heart thumped wildly in her chest as she waited for Red to continue.
Hands clasped together, Red waited until she had Nicky's undivided attention. She watched as the girl's grip loosened on the towel and took it as her cue to speak. "You are nervous about something" It wasn't a question. She was simply stating facts.
Looking down, Nicky nodded. Her eyes closed and she battled with herself mentally. "Yes."
"And what has you so nervous?"
It wasn't going to be easy and it was going to hurt like hell. Unlike ripping a Band-Aid off, Nicky felt as if her news would rip Red rips heart out and possibly even her own.
Biting her lip, she refused to meet Red's gaze. "I'm leaving next week. I'm being released."
While it was wonderful news, Red wasn't sure how to respond. "You're what?" She shook her head in disbelief. "Have you told anyone else? When are you leaving?"
"Maybe next Wednesday."
"Were you going to leave without telling me?"
Eye's wide in alarm, Nicky crawled on all fours. Her hands laid against Red's knee, keeping the both of them grounded. "Of course was going to tell you." She promised; tone clipped in fear. "You don't think I would really leave you and not say good-bye do you?" Nicky felt Red's hands cover hers, but she still couldn't help but try and explain. "Just- I needed some more time to process it all. I didn't know what to say. I'm terrified that I will screw this all up, Red-"
"You won't screw up," Red interjected. Her tone was soft and understanding, her angry already having melted away. "You won't." Her hands cupped Nicky's cheeks and her voice dipped into a whisper, "Nicky, you're going to be okay."
Large brown eyes staring up at her in disbelief, Red's shoulders slumped forward as she realized the magnitude of Nicky's fears. Too often she forgot how deeply vulnerable the girl was. It wasn't fair to minimize her feelings, but it would also be a great disservice to not try and convince her that she was ready.
In a lot of ways Nicky resembled a child, not intellectually, for its easy to admit that Marka had done her job in that respect. All of the money spent on a prestigious education had paid off. Emotionally, though, Nicky was bruised. She was often too sensitive for her own good and she clung to any source of security that she could find.
In this moment, like a strike of lightening, it registered with Red how unstable Nicky must feel. Her eyes broke from Nicky's just long enough to take in their position. Like a child Nicky clung to her, begging to not just be forgiven, but to be understood- to be validated.
She could hear Nicky rambling, and felt her nod her head along to what she was saying. Unknowingly, she traced her thumbs back and forth over the soft skin of Nicky's cheeks.
It wasn't just about validating Nicky's readiness for the real world; it was about solidifying their relationship. In the only way she knew how, Red conveyed to Nicky that the relationship between the two of them was real. This was something Nicky could hold onto, something to think about when things got hard. It was something she would never have to go without.
She didn't just have herself to fight for anymore. It was about the both of them. This was what Red wanted her to remember when she felt overwhelmed with her own demons.
Nicky's hand grasped around her left wrist, and she effortlessly pulled her hand down so that her fingers would intertwine with her own. . Like Cinderella's slipper, the connection was a perfect match
"I don't know, Red." Nicky leaned into her palm, fingers squeezing the hand she held. "Marka is picking me up. I have to stay with her. I'm stressing out just thinking about it. I don't want to disappoint you. Really, I'm going to keep my shit together and make you proud, but I know she triggers me."
In an instant the hand that had been cupping her cheek tangled painfully in Nicky's hair. Red pulled roughly on the tresses. She harshly whispered, "You will not use her as a crutch to defend your addiction, Nichols." Her grip let up just a tad. "This is your chance to prove her wrong. Don't let her destroy you."
Head tilted from the grip Red had on her hair, Nicky didn't try to fight the gesture or pull away. She simply blinked her eyes and pursed her lips together as she weighed up the meaning of Red's words.
Relaxing her grip completely, Red began to tenderly stroke Nicky's hair back into place.
"This wasn't how this was supposed to go." Nicky admitted eyes sad as she adjusted herself so that she could lay her head against Red's knee. "I didn't plan on this."
Whether her eyes closed from exhaustion, or the comforting feeling of her hands in her hair, Red was unsure. "You didn't plan on what?" She asked softly.
Shrugging her shoulders softly, Nicky mumbled under her breath, "Being on my own." She sighed deeply and tried to focus on the steady and calming cadence of Red's ministrations.
These uninterrupted moments were what Nicky thrived on most. She couldn't quite articulate into words how much healing they brought to her. In a way she didn't quite understand, Red's patient and loving attention eroded away at the darkness that loomed over her.
Leaving this behind was something she didn't yet feel capable of. She longed for more of this, for more time together. There was no telling if she would ever experience this kind of thing again.
It wasn't just the attention that she would miss- It was Red. "I didn't plan on being without you." She confessed.
Red kissed her forehead gently and wrapped her arms around her tightly. "You'll always have me." She wasn't yet prepared to deal with the personal loss she would feel when Nicky left.
Author's Note: AliceSloane13 has a new Red/Nicky story titled "I Need to Hear the Words". I can't even describe how much I love it, so you should check it out. (And it's so wonderfully long- 18k+)