Title: Two Words
Author: Lisa M
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye
Rating: Let's say M...to be safe. For bad words and slashy sex..
Disclaimer: Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.
Archive: Anywhere...just let me know.
Feedback: Is better than Brokeback Mountain!
Summary: If it had been anyone else...I wouldn't have stayed.
A/N: This is my first attempt at a MASH fic...let alone a mash-slash fic...so please be kind. If it sucks, I'm sorry. This fic sort of loosely follows "Papa-BJ-San" (I think that's the name...)...and when I say 'loosely', believe me, I mean it. I used what I could remember of the dialogue. Hopefully I came close? No beta...any errors are mine alone.
"Please, stay."
It all started with those two words. The words I'd been waiting to hear from you. And I didn't want to stay...not right then. Not when you were so vulnerable. So sad. So not in control of your feelings - your emotions. I did not want you to regret saying them to me...not ever.
Truthfully, had it been someone else uttering those words...
even that special someone from so many years ago...
I would've resisted. I would have told them that everything was okay, but I would have rolled over. Maybe given some small comfort in the form of a hug. But I would have left. I would have walked away. Back to my own cot. I would not have stayed. I would not have taken the risk with anyone else. I know who - what - I am. I am comfortable in that fact. I was never sure if you knew about me. I was never sure if I knew about you. I wasn't willing to gamble with what we already had - our friendship - in order to find out.
But when you asked, I couldn't say no. Not to you.
The way you said those few syllables. Quiet. Sincere. Full of meaning...truth. And yes, even love I think.
So I did it. I stayed. And prayed that you'd forgive me for falling in love with you.
"Damnit, Hawk!" BJ stormed around the empty space that used to hold a small village. "They may not ever know that their son is alive!" He crumpled up the piece of paper that, just an hour ago, had given him so much joy, he thought he'd explode from the pressure of it. He drew back his hand and threw it away from him as if it were made of fire.
"Come on, Beej." Hawkeye placed a reassuring hand on the younger man's arm and steered him back to the jeep. "Let's go home."
BJ Hunnicut allowed himself to be placed inside the vehicle. Thank God I'm here with Hawk, he thought, as the tears began to fall freely from his eyes. Who else would understand? Would tolerate me sitting here blubbering like an idiot? He glanced sideways at his friend.
Hawkeye's eyes were trained on the road ahead, but he felt the stare nonetheless. His lips curled into a soft smile and he reached over and, without looking, brushed the tears from his companion's cheek.
"It's gonna be okay, Beej." His fingers lingered for a short time, before Hawk withdrew his hand and placed it back on the steering wheel. "I swear it will."
The only thing BJ could do was nod. His eyes had already started to close, and he found it hard to resist the pull of sleep. BJ drifted off, his cheek still tingling pleasantly where his friend's fingertips had touched.
Unfortunately, the softness, the love behind those feathery touches did not follow him into slumber. The dreams came instead. Villages being bombed. Families...children...running, terrified, screaming, into the dark night. And BJ stood above it all. Watching as if he were some kind of benevolent seer, yet unable to do anything except bear witness to the fear.
BJ began to moan slightly. Hawkeye glanced over at his friend, whose face was bunched and knotted in fear. Or sadness. Possibly both. He reached out and covered BJ's hand with his own...hoping that, through the small gesture, he could send the younger man some peace.
It did not work. Hawkeye felt BJ's muscles tense under his touch.
In BJ's mind, a young Korean girl appeared. Probably 3 or 4 years old. She was wandering, alone, in the night as flames from the explosions bathed her in an evil orange glow. As she drew closer, BJ was able to see her more clearly. The child began to morph in front of his eyes.
She became Erin.
With a cry of fear, BJ reached out his useless hand to her, but she did not reach for him. She did not see his attempt to save her. She only saw the fires drawing nearer. Heard the death march drumbeat of the bombs falling behind her as she began to run into the darkness ahead.
"Nooooooooooooooo!" BJ screamed as he saw the next bomb falling directly above her. He jerked awake so violently that he startled Hawkeye, who slammed on the brakes of the jeep so hard that both men were thrown against the dashboard.
"Jesus Christ, Beej!" Hawkeye leaned over and pulled his friend back into a sitting position. "Are you okay?"
BJ had a small line of blood trickling down from his forehead, but was otherwise fine. Physically, anyway. He nodded toward Hawkeye and waited as the other doctor wiped his face with a towel. His wound was then inspected.
"I don't think this is going to need stitches." Hawkeye sat back and sighed. "Nightmare," he stated simply. Not a question, but an acknowledgement.
"Yeah."
"Bad."
"Uh huh."
"Talk about it?"
"Later."
"Promise?"
BJ looked over at his friend and smiled slightly. Hawkeye nodded and smiled back.
"Ok, friend, then let's get you home."
"Thanks, Hawk. I mean it. You truly are..." BJ struggled to find the correct words to express what he felt for his friend. He couldn't. "Well, let's just say you truly, truly are..."
Within a half-hour, the two men were sitting in the mess tent. Two plates of untouched food sat on the table in front of them. Two identical cups of now room-temperature coffee had not been lifted from their original spots.
"Rough day?" Sherman Potter asked after about 15 minutes of watching one doctor stare into space as the other eyed the first one with concern.
"Yeah." Hawkeye answered without averting his gaze. BJ blinked, but didn't say a word. "I guess you could say that."
Potter nodded. He knew what BJ Hunnicut had been going through over the past few days...double duty between here and that village. Trying to be father and savior to the Korean family. Potter had also heard about the family disappearing because of the shelling. He was worried about BJ...knew he was completely burnt out right now. But he was also concerned about Hawkeye Pierce. The doctor seemed to have taken on at least half of Hunnicut's exhaustion...probably more.
"Pierce, why don't you take Hunnicut back to the swamp. The two of you need a night off. Get some rest. I'll make sure Winchester covers."
"Choppers..." Hawkeye started, reaching up to rub his strained eyes. "What if they..."
"Go to bed Hawk. We've got it under control."
With a nod, Hawkeye stood. He took both his and BJ's trays and emptied them. Then he returned, wrapped his hand around his friend's arm and pulled him to his feet. BJ came along willingly. As they left the mess tent, Hawkeye glanced over his shoulder at their commanding officer...and friend.
"Thanks."
Potter waved his hand and shooed them out of the tent and into the night.
Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, claimed both men. They collapsed onto their respective cots almost as soon as they walked through the tent flaps. Before sleep pulled him down, Hawkeye reached out to his friend, touching him on the shoulder.
"Beej?"
"Uh huh?"
"You okay?"
"No." A slow, agonizing sigh escaped him. "No, I'm not."
Hawkeye squeezed BJ's shoulder slightly, but didn't say anything. He waited for more words from the younger man. When none came, he began to withdraw his hand. BJ reached out with his own hand and gripped Hawkeye's tightly.
"It was Erin."
"Erin?"
"In the dream, Hawk." BJ rolled onto his back and turned his tear-filled eyes to his friend. "Erin. She was in the village. There was shelling everywhere. Fire. Explosions. I was there. Like some sort of spirit, floating above her. I saw the bomb coming...right above her." The tears began streaming down his face, his breath hitching roughly. "There was nothing I could do. I tried. God, I tried. I reached for her, but she kept running from me!" He sealed his eyes shut and tightened his already vice-like grip on Hawkeye's hand.
Hawkeye stood and without releasing his friend's grasp, closed the small distance between the two cots. He sat down beside BJ, and cupped his hand against his chest.
"I'm sorry, Beej." He stroked the back of BJ's hand with his fingers. "It was a dream. It wasn't real. Erin is safe and sound. Back in Mill Valley. With Peg."
"But I couldn't save her, Hawk." He could barely speak now. His words were separated with deep, punching sobs. "She ran. She ran from me."
"No, Beej." Hawkeye pulled him up into a tight hug. "She didn't run. It wasn't Erin. It was a dream. Nothing more. All the shit around here...this place...it makes horrible things seem real. But they aren't. They aren't real. The nightmares are just that. Nightmares. No one will run from you, Beej. You have friends here. You have me. I won't ever run. I'll be here for you...always."
Hawkeye held on tightly as BJ's breathing began to slow. He shifted his weight slightly and moved them both down onto the cot. Still wrapped in the hug, Hawkeye reached out and brushed the stray tears from his friend's face. When their eyes met, finally, Hawkeye didn't know what he saw reflected in BJ's gaze, but he was almost sure that it was the same thing he knew was in his own.
Without much of a thought, he leaned forward and brushed his lips softly across BJ's. There was a shocked intake of breath, but Hawkeye wasn't sure who it had come from. It had maybe been from both men.
Before Hawkeye knew what had happened, BJ had deepened the kiss. He pushed his tongue between the older doctor's lips and Hawkeye could do nothing but respond in the same way. They punished each other's mouths with unparalleled hunger. Like dying men, lost in the desert, who come upon a small stream., they lapped at each other. Neither wanting to break away from the other.
Hands began to pull at clothing. Both men were quickly naked, wrapped around each other within the starchy, scratchy wool blanket BJ had on his cot.
Hawkeye knew where this was heading. He had wanted this...dreamed of this...for so long. And here it was in front of him. Happening. But yet, his mind was screaming in warning.
No! No! Not now! Not when he's like this! It's too dangerous! For the wrong reasons! It will break your heart! STOP!
But when BJ flipped Hawkeye onto his stomach and began to run his lips across his sweat-soaked back, that voice was silenced.
"I don't care if he breaks my heart..." Hawkeye whispered against the pillow. "I want him too much to care."
Moments later, BJ entered him. Slowly at first, but he began to thrust harder and harder. Hawkeye knew that this was BJ taking out his frustrations, his anger, his pain...but deep in his heart, he also knew that there were feelings behind it as well. He knew that BJ cared about him.
Maybe not love.
But BJ did care. They cared about each other. They were best friends. Better friends than he and Trapper had been.
Trapper.
Things had been different then. Trapper had been in love with him. Hawkeye had cared about Trapper, still did. But it wasn't love. Just like now. He loved BJ...BJ didn't love him. Funny how things come full circle. Not that it mattered. All that mattered is that Hawkeye was here. Now. And BJ was here. Now. And they were together. Now.
The building moans coming from his friend signaled to Hawkeye that BJ was close. He tried to match his friend's thrusts with equal force and felt his own climax building. He realized that a soft, warm hand had wrapped around his member. BJ was pumping with his hand as he thrust deeply into Hawkeye.
They came together with matching groans of satisfaction. BJ collapsed against Hawkeye, pressing him into the rough material of the Army-issue cot. As their breathing returned to normal, BJ rolled away and settled in next to his friend. Face to face...BJ could not lift his eyes to me the other's.
"Hawk..." He stammered. "I don't know what came over...I mean, about what just happened. I don't want you to think..."
Hawkeye placed his fingertips under BJ's chin and forced the other man to meet his gaze. He smiled softly.
"Beej, it's ok. I understand." He leaned in and kissed BJ softly. "I understand."
BJ nodded in thanks and closed his eyes. Hawkeye stroked his cheek gently and watched as his friend began to slip into a deep slumber. BJ's breathing deepened...the familiar in and out sound...that Hawkeye used to comfort himself on his own bad nights. He sat up carefully and swung his legs over the side of the cot. As he stood, he felt BJ's warm palm against his forearm.
"Hawk?" The sleepy, whispered word met the older man's ears like a warm breeze.
"Yes?"
"Don't leave."
"I'm not going anywhere, Beej. I'll be right here...next to you. There's only about 3 feet between our cots. You don't have to worry."
"That's not what I meant."
Hawkeye's heart jumped into his throat and he couldn't speak. His body tensed, waiting for the words he had been longing to hear.
"I want you to stay, here, with me."
"I am here."
"No, Hawk. Here." BJ pulled on Hawkeye's arm. "Here. In my bed. With me."
"Beej, I want to. I really do." He glanced nervously at the tent flaps. "But I don't know if it's a good idea. What if Charles..."
"I don't care. I want you next to me."
"Beej...I..."
"Please, stay."
The End