Dance of Doubts

It isn't even a scar to me, really.
It's a map of where my life went wrong.
(The Storyteller - Jodie Picoult)

There should have been four of them, sitting in Sirius' kitchen, but as it was – James having to hide and Peter doing whatever he did these days – they were alone, Sirius and Remus, and after exchanging half-hearted small talk, they sat in silence, sharing a bottle of scotch and doing their best to ignore the uneasiness that filled the air.

And while neither of them seemed to be willing to talk, to try to regain the easy companionship they'd had for so long, it was just as impossible to get up and leave and admit defeat. They weren't meant to end like this, after all.

"Why don't you trust me anymore?" Remus spoke up, eventually, tired of waiting and dancing around each other, unsure of what to do and what to think. "Is it because I am a werewolf?"

He seldom used the word, unwilling to remind himself and everyone around of what lurked inside him. "I distinctly remember you being the first one to say that it didn't matter what I become under the full moon." He snorted without the least bit of humour. "You even berated Peter for being afraid. What happened?" His voice was still soft, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't hide the bitterness it carried.

"People change," Sirius muttered, not meeting his eyes.

"You or me?"

For a long time, none of them said anything. Sirius' fingers clenched his glass, the amber liquid long gone, and stared into the fire, burning bright and hot, seemingly unmoved by the sudden coldness that settled around them.

Remus watched his friend, the blank face, the dark rings under his eyes. It was obvious he worried himself sick. But then again, so did they all.

When they had joined the Order, they thought they knew what awaited them. They didn't, of course, because fighting for their lives was nothing like training duels in school. And reading casualty lists in the Prophet didn't prepare for losing people from their own ranks, or for seeing friends fall right next to them.

Still, they had been able to cope. They were all in this together.

Now, however, that there was a traitor in their midst – how could they fight that? The distrust, the suspicions, the unwillingness to let anyone watch their backs?

"It is said he offers dark creatures a better life," Sirius said suddenly, albeit with some reluctance, as if he didn't really want those words to leave his mouth.

Remus flinched, shocked into silence for a few moments that seemed like eternity. "That's utter rubbish," he then snapped. "He wants purebloods to rule. If he ever reaches his goals, everyone not pure – or human – enough will be discarded. Anyone who thinks differently is a bloody fool."

Feeling anger rising in his chest, he got up, not caring that his chair met the ground with a loud noise. "And anyway, what better life could there be? I went to Hogwarts. I found the best friends possible," his voice became scathing. "And isn't it nice how much you care for my wellbeing?"

He was almost out of the door when Sirius spoke up again, voice small and finally looking up at him.

"Moony," he croaked and hesitated. There was so much that needed to be said. 'I'm sorry' and 'Tell me what to do' or 'I'm scared' and 'I do still trust you.'

But he didn't know how much of that would be a lie. So he settled with, "Take care", and he knew it was wrong before he saw Remus' face close off and his eyes darken, and he felt miserable because he didn't know how he could make any of this better.

Wait, he wanted to cry. Don't go. Don't leave me. I couldn't bear to lose you, too. Not with James already being a target.

But he was already alone.

"Look at him again and then tell me you don't trust him." Lily was furious and had been ever since James had asked in a small voice, if it wouldn't be better to stop inviting Remus to the traditional Friday Marauder dinner.

"And why is that?" she had asked, forcing herself to be calm, not liking at all where this was going.

"Well, he is a –" And that had set her off.

"He is your friend. And mine, for just as long, even while you've still been an arrogant ass. So don't you dare hold something against him he can't influence."

She had only stopped briefly in her tirade to welcome the very subject of their argument into their house and bestow little Harry on him, before dragging her husband off to get this nonsense out of his head.

"Look at him," she repeated, standing in the doorway to the living room.

And the picture was heartbreakingly sweet, indeed. Remus sat on the couch with Harry on his lap, telling some story while big children's eyes followed the transfigured toys floating in the air and acting out the scenes Remus was currently describing. Every now and then bright laughter erupted from the small boy, and then he snuggled closer into the warm embrace of Uncle Moony.

Remus himself seemed to lose several years of age whenever he was with Harry. His eyes were bright and alive. The lines on his face disappeared. And he smiled, more open and carefree then he ever had since leaving school.

Looking sideways at James, she noticed that he saw it, too. But when he turned to her, he was still wary.

"Sirius says –"

"Then Sirius is wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, either," she hissed and marched off.

While she had come to like Sirius, she had never been able to forgive him for the 'incidence' in sixth year. Not so much for endangering Severus, though she had been worried for her former friend, but more for what it might have done to Remus. That hadn't been 'just a prank'. He had willingly gambled with the life and future of his friend. She couldn't understand or forgive that.

And now they were suspecting him of being a traitor. That was ridiculous.

It would sooner be little Peter, anyone, really, but Remus, who, as a twelve year old, had turned beet red when she had asked him how he could stand being friends with those jerks Black and Potter, back in second year, and who had answered that they were the first friends he'd ever had, and that he didn't know how he had managed that, but they liked him and trusted him and they were slowly becoming something like family and he'd always be thankful for that.

He was the same Remus, who, as a fifteen year old, had risked their friendship by telling her to consider giving James a chance because, while he clearly had his faults, he wasn't half as bad as she pictured him and when she had become angry, he had only shrugged and said firmly that James was his brother and he'd do almost everything to help him, even if it meant upsetting another friend, he owed him that much.

The same Remus, who, as a twenty year old, upon holding baby Harry for the first time, had vowed to keep them safe, no matter what the cost.

She had never had any reason to doubt him. And all those whispers of a traitor, all this distrust – it was simply wrong.

"Don't mind James," Lily said smiling. "He's grumpy because I didn't allow him to take Harry flying on this broom Sirius bought." She was pretty sure Remus could see right through her lie.

He studied her for a moment, then he shrugged, a big smile back on his face. "Don't worry. Harry here is the perfect host."

"If only he'd always be so calm. You really have a way with him. Can't you come more often?" she asked, only half joking.

And then, if only for a moment, his smile turned sad and he looked wistfully at a picture right above the fireplace, of four boys waving and grinning and not having a care in the world.

"I really wish I could."

"They will come around, don't worry," Lily almost whispered.

"I really wish they would."

"Oi, Padfoot, I heard you and Marlene are hitting off." James was sprawled over the couch in Sirius' flat, butterbeer in hand and, for once, looking as relaxed as any twenty year old man should be.

"I'm going to kill Alice," Sirius growled back.

"How do you know it was her who told me?"

"Come on, Prongs. You're in hiding. And Alice and Lily just had an appointment with Pomfrey." He mock-glared at his friend, then he started grinning. "But you're right. Never thought that would happen."

A snort from the door made both men turn their heads. "Really? You were practically made for each other," Remus said coming in, Peter and several pizza cartons in tow. "The fiery McKinnon and the insane Black. You have much in common."

"Oi, I'm not insane," Sirius puffed up. "You better get out again when you're only here to insult me. You're in my home, after all. But," he then added, "Leave the food."

Remus ignored him and all but collapsed into an armchair near the fire. He looked tired, but then again, so did they all. "But I have to admit I'm curious, too. How did you convince her to go out with you?"

"As if I need to convince anyone. I can't save myself from women hitting on me," Sirius said with all the pureblood arrogance his mother had beaten into him. "And didn't you just say we're made for each other?"

James snickered. "Sorry to break it to you, but all of us thought she had more sense than that."

"What's that supposed to mean? Peter, help me."

But the short man only shrugged apologetically – an effect that was somewhat ruined by the big grin he was sporting. "Nah, I'm definitely with them. Everyone knows you're insane and breaking hearts left, right and center."

"You traitors. The whole lot of you. Unbelievable."

There was that word again. Traitor. Even thrown around in a non-serious matter, it left a bitter taste in the air and they tensed up, internally.

Before the silence could get to thick, however, Remus spoke up: "How was Lily's appointment?"

James sat up excitedly, rummaging around in his pocket. "Everything's fine and all. With Alice, too. And guess what we've got." His eyes lit up and his smile was just as wide as on the day Lily had finally agreed to go onto a date with him. "A picture."

At once, all thoughts of war and betrayal were forgotten, as all four Marauders leaned over the small piece of paper, getting their first glance of James' child. And in that tiny blot of black and grey, they didn't see the possible saviour of their world, but a future prankster, a worthy heir to the Marauders.

And they laughed and remembered and schemed and for a few blissful hours, they were four carefree schoolboys again, sitting in the Gryffindor common room, staying up all night, sure that the whole wide world was circling around them.

And nothing stood between them; no war, no deaths, no doubts.

But at some point, maturity had to resurface.

"I guess I'll be going then. Have to get up early," Remus said, not looking at all as if he wanted to leave his place by the warm fire.

James however glanced at the clock and jumped into action. "Dammit, Lily will kill me. The pregnancy makes her horribly moody, and I promised I wouldn't come that late."

Peter nodded, scrambling onto his feet as well. "Please just tell her it wasn't our fault. She can be really scary."

"That's right. Not all of us have to die a gruesome because you are so unreliable," Sirius grinned as all four of them made their way to the door.

"We really have to do that more often. We scarcely see each other these days." Peter was right, adult life had taken its toll. They all had jobs, and then there was the Order which seemed to consume every last bit of free time. And with James gone into hiding…

"We will, don't worry," Sirius said off-handedly. "We only have to kick Voldemort's ass first."

Remus rolled his eyes. When they had said their good-byes, he turned around again and asked, almost reluctantly as if to spare himself the disappointment: "Do I see you tomorrow?"

Peter's eyes widened and Sirius' face fell as he looked out of the window and saw the almost full moon.

They forgot, he realized, hating how much that hurt. Not so long ago they would never have forgotten. And I wouldn't have needed to ask whether they'd come.

It took all his strength to keep a smile on his face, and James' wince showed him he wasn't doing a very good job of it.

"Don't worry," even he could hear how hollow his voice sounded. "I'll manage."

Before they could answer, he disapparated, not willing to listen to feeble excuses.

It wouldn't be the first full moon he spent alone.

And by the looks of it, it wouldn't be the last one, either.

Thank you for reading! A review would really make my day.