A/N: This is my first fanfic I've ever written, and I tried my best to make it good, although I don't think I did a very good job. But I still put a lot of effort in it. The only problem is that I've only got a limited amount of time per day I can use this computer, and that's not a lot. But again, I'll try to do the best to my abilities.
Disclaimer: Me no ownie Naruto, nor will I ever. So I expect no lawsuits for copyright infringement.
Whad'ya Know: I'm Gay
By: Supporter of Free Love
What's a fellow to do when he finds out he's gay? I mean, I just found out a total of three whole…hours ago that I was indeed gay. Not strait. Not even a chance of being bi. I'm apparently 101 flaming homosexual.
Do you know how hard it is to realize that your whole sixteen years of life has been all one big lie!? Do you know how it is to go from thinking that you were as strait as an arrow to realizing that you're really as strait as a PRETZEL?? (And not one of those stick ones. The ones that curve.) I think not!
And all of this is thanks to my so-called friend Gaara. Damn you, Gaara!! Haven't you ever heard that ignorance is bliss? And I was one of the most blissful people around when I thought I was attracted to girls.
Wait…I might want to go back and explain this a little bit. Heh. Well, those three hours ago before I was gay, I was just finishing locking up the shop that I happen to work at part-time for rent money. It's actually a pretty awesome shop. It's a comic book store, with a little café where you can buy the most delicious cup of hot chocolate ever. Believe me; I've downed like bazillions in the past.
Anyways, the owner, Jiraiya, just happens to be a very nice elderly dude who pays well. Which I'm extremely grateful for, by the way. Don't you be thinking that the great Naruto Uzamaki is ungrateful. The only bad thing about Jiraiya is that he's gotta be the hugest pervert in the world! As he says, he's a SUPER PERVERT. God, he's even more perverteder (A/N: As of now, perverteder is a word) than Kakashi, my English teacher. And that's pretty perverted, since all he ever does is sit around reading Icha Icha Paradise while all the students got to read A Tale of Two Cities, or something like that.
Gaara also happens to work at this shop with me. We're actually the same age, but we don't go to same school as each other. But we should!! He goes to some problem school in Suna, for some anger issues or something. I personally have no idea what they've been smoking, because Gaara is perfectly normal!
I still remember the first time I met him a little bit over a year ago. I had just been walking by the store I now work in, and seeing the "help wanted" sign, I instantly ran through the door. Well…actually it's more like I tried to run through the door. It's not like it was my fault though! How was I supposed to know it was a pull door instead of a push? Seriously, there should've been a damn sign.
So I'm totally standing outside trying to get into the store, when all of a sudden I'm being tapped on the shoulder. And before I could stop myself, I kinda… smacked the person behind me across the face. Big whoopsie on my part. I quickly turn to apologize, only to be met with panda eyes!!
Oh yeah, even back then Gaara knew how to wear excessive amounts of eyeliner, though at the time I wasn't really concerned about the eyes. It was more like I was trying to keep warm from the iciness from his glare. Brr.
"Um…sorry?" I'd managed to get out sheepishly, rubbing the back of my head. When I got no reply, I really started to get nervous. "It was a…accident?"
Still, that shy guy who was at the moment wearing all black with a fishnet t-shirt was still glaring at me. And I still didn't know how to get in the store!! So I kind-of turned my back to him to continue trying to push the door open with no success. But then Gaara saved the day and opened the door for me!
I mean, wow. What a super-duper nice thing to do for me! So of course I had to show my appreciation by jumping on him and shouting thanks. Only problem is that one: Gaara looked totally freaked out for some reason or another, and two: I'm kinda loud, so everyone in the store was just like looking at me.
Awkward!!
Soon this old guy, who at the time I thought was half deaf since he was really really old, approached me. Guess who he was! Guess! Guess! Yep! It was Jiraiya, my future boss. But of course I didn't know that at the time.
Before he could say anything, I started shouting, "Could you take me to the manager of the store," really loudly, because like I said before, I just assumed he was deaf. But apparently he wasn't. Heh heh…my bad.
Whacking me over the head, he'd said, "Shut up, brat! Don't you know who you're talking to? I'm the manager, also known as the great pervert Jiraiya! Lover of many beautiful young ladies! Deflowerer of virgins! The man who put the "mo" in mojo! The guy who-"
"Oh my god, he talks," I shouted back, amazed. This only got me any hit on my head. Which sucks, because it's not as if that doesn't hurt at least a bit.
As I was whining about my bruised and abused head, Jiraiya had turned to Gaara. "Do you know this kid?" But before Gaara could answer, I jumped right in for him.
"Of course he knows me! He's the one who let me in the store!" Here I cheered happily. "And by the way, is the sign out front true? You hiring?"
This Jiraiya perv just stared at me before replying, "What's it to you?"
Here, I kinda looked down at the floor bashfully. I mean, I was embarrassed enough about my financial situation enough when only I knew about it, but to tell someone else, especially a stranger, how much I was in need of money sucked. But I knew if I didn't tell him, the guy might not get me a job. And although I hated to admit it, I needed the money. Desperately.
So I told him. And just like that, I found myself with a job. Working for a pervert with my savior, the boy who opened the door, selling comics and coffee.
Hooray!
Escaping from this momentary flashback, I'll get back to the point of all this rambling: the discovery of my gayness.
It was closing time at the shop, and me and Gaara were just about to lock up the shop when there was this one guy who walked in. I just couldn't stop myself from starring at him. He was just so pretty! Long, raven dark hair held up in a pony tail, dressed in a suit. That's right; a freaking suit! Seriously, what's a guy with a suit on doing in a comic book shop?
This guy just happens to walk up to me, and in one of the deepest, sexiest voices I've heard said something. But…heh…I was so distracted by his attire that I couldn't hear his voice. So I kind of just…stood there looking at him. Eventually I realized that he wasn't saying anything anymore, which was the sign that I should probably say something.
But I didn't know what to say! So I sent a look to Gaara, in my opinion clearly signaling rescuing, but the bastard just had the nerve to smirk at me! Jerk! So I turned back to the guy, embarrassed. "Um…yeah…can you repeat that?"
The beautiful human just sighed, looking at his watch. "Look, I don't really have time. I'll just go ask directions from someone who's more competent than a rock." Here he glided out of the door, me still distracted from his prettiness, but I was finally brought to my senses as the bell to the door rang, signaling his exit.
"Hey! Damn bastard! I'm totally more competent then a rock!" I shouted at the closed door. Then I turned to Gaara. "And what about you, my supposed friend. You're supposed to defend me," I pouted.
He just kind of looked at me, before grabbing the keys from my hands. "I can't defend you from your own gayness," he finally said.
At first I thought I didn't hear properly. I mean, did he just accuse me of being gay? Little 'ole strait me? So of course I had to calmly question him.
"WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" I calmly stated, grabbing the color of his skin tight black muscle shirt, "I'M LIKE THE MOST STRAITEST PERSON EVER! I LIKE BOOBS AND VAGINAS!! MEANING THAT I LIKE GIRLS!!"
He pushed me away, scowling. "No need to be so loud. And you're obviously in denial."
Here I smirked. Or rather, I smiled stupidly because I simply cannot smirk. "Oh yeah? Prove it." Ha, how clever I am! There was no way he could prove it!
"Okay. You want proof? Fine." Gaara then pointed at the door. "If you're as strait as you proclaim yourself to be, then why were you just staring at that guy's ass as he walked out??"
Oh. Was I? "Uh…"
"And how come you've never had a girlfriend in your life?"
Ha, I knew this one. "Because I'm a loser!" Ha ha, Gaara. Take that! Hey…wait a minute…
"But what about Hinata? She likes you," he argued back, interrupting my thinking process.
"…OH MY GOD, SHE DOES!?" Huh, that explains things.
Here I could've sworn I heard Gaara mumbling "stupid" to himself, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just breathing heavy.
Finally, he looked me strait in the eye. "Okay, final question. This will decide whether you truly are gay are not." Here, he took a deep breath. "Okay, which one do you prefer: sausages, or sausage patties?"
"Oh, that's an easy one. Sausages." Silly Gaara. Everyone knows that sausages are better than sausage patties.
"Well, that's that. You're gay."
"WHAT!? But how? All I said is that I like sausages…"
"Exactly. Think about it. What do sausage patties represent compared to an actual sausage?"
Hmm…well sausage patties were round. And sausages were cylindrical. But what does geometry have to do with me being gay or not?
Gaara, probably noticing that I was utterly confused, decided to help me out. "Naruto, this isn't rocket science. Just think for a minute; what do sausages remind you of?"
"Um…" Think brain, think. What do sausages remind me of? "Er…sausages remind me of breakfast…?"
Wow, Gaara looked like he was ready to kill himself. Good thing there was nothing pointy around us, or else I would've feared for Gaara's life. Wait…why was Gaara motioning to his crotch? What does his crotch have to do with a sausage…?
OH
MY
FREAKING
GOD!!
I get it now! Score one, Naruto. Score zero, confusing questions. When he says sausage, he means a dick!! Silly me! Now I feel stupid.
"So now do you understand?" Gaara asked me. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you here?"
"Alright, you're saying that since I prefer sausages, I must prefer…" Wait…sausage equals penis. So since I like sausages, I must like-
"HOLY SHIT I AM GAY!!"
"Bingo, Naruto. Now that you've finally recognized your own sexual orientation, I'm going to go home." And then Gaara totally left me there. With my mouth hanging wide open.
That event happened at 9:00 P.M earlier today, and now it's midnight. And I'm still thinking about it! What am I supposed to do? I've never been gay before! Do I even know a gay person?
I've always heard from my fellow classmates that being gay was like a disease. But if it was, does that mean it's contagious? And if it's something that could be caught, who the hell gave it to me!?
Thinking on it more, I came to the ultimate decision; I'd just pretend that I still liked girls! No big deal, because apparently I've been pretending my whole life. Yes…that sounded good. No one at school could know that I'm now gay. I'm already enough of a loser already, but I at least have friends. If my now secret gayness got out, I'd probably get jumped and beaten in some dark, dirty alleyway or something!!
Happy with my decision, I let my head hit my pillow and I closed my eyes, falling into the sweet oblivion that they call sleeping. My last thought before I lost consciousness was if school would be any different for me now that I was gay.
Of course it wouldn't be different. Nothing will change now that I find the same sex attractive…
Right??
A/N: Well...I hope you liked it at least a little bit. Enough for you to review just to beg for the second chapter to come out! But I would also appreciate a review pointing out possible mistakes or flaws that I may have missed while proofreading. It would be much appreciated.
Oh, and if you're wondering, there'll be sasunaru later into the story. This was just more like an "introducting the plot" chapter that I had to get out of the way.