Author Notes: Alright so I'm not entirely sure where this idea came from. I think it was advertisement I saw on tv or on the subway, anyways so this is just a bunch of funny one-shots of the Torchwood team when they're drunk. It's just a bit of silliness and something to do while I try to figure out some way to watch the new Torchwood, Being Human and Doctor Who episodes. They must have them on digital cable, right? Anyways, enjoy and if you know where these warnings are from please tell me so I can give credit where credit is due. Thanks!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Torchwood, or these warnings.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when you are not.
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Gwen couldn't keep the smile off her face as she listened to Ianto's story. The young Welshman was always a riot when he was pissed. He became insanely giggly and comfortable. It was a nice sight to see after his uptight rigidness at work. It really showed that Ianto was still capable of having fun and provided good blackmail material.
"AND THEN!" Ianto took a drink of his brew dramatically. "AND THEN HE SAT ON IT!"
"On the pin?" Gwen asked, fighting against her giggles. Ianto nodded and leaned in quite seriously, "and I didn't tell 'im."
"No," Gwen mock-gasped.
"Yes," Ianto said emphatically. "I mean, I tried to warn him that his pants weren't ready yet but he just wouldn't listen. Jack never listens."
"Amen to that," Gwen clinked glasses with Ianto. She was already feeling the buzz after only three drinks. Ianto looked absolutely plastered though. His cheeks were bright red, his eyes glassy and his tie was hanging loosely around his neck. Quite frankly, he looked adorable but Gwen wouldn't tell him that.
"He's hot though," Ianto sighed. Gwen smiled again. Jack seemed to have quite the effect on the little Welshman.
"Just wish he could remember how to schedule himself properly, or at least let me do it. This is the third date he's skipped out on!" Ianto exclaimed. Gwen patted his arm sympathetically. Jack and Ianto were supposed to go out to dinner but Jack had scheduled a meeting wit UNIT at the same time. Jack had begged Gwen to take Ianto out; since Rhys went out with his mates she didn't see why she couldn't. That's how they ended up at this dance club. They had danced- once they both had some drinks in them- and they had talked and Gwen found that Ianto was easier to get along with than she first assumed.
"Don't know why I bother," Ianto mumbled into his hands.
"It'll be alright, love. There's always next week." Gwen said; she hated emotional drunks. Ianto didn't seem to hear her though, just kept muttering to himself about stupid Captains with no sense of time.
"HE'S SO GOOD IN BED!" Ianto's voice raised in volume, a bright smile once again on his face.
"HIS TONGUE SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!" He said again as he took another hearty swig of his drink. Gwen burst out laughing. Oh dear, this was more amusing than she thought. Gwen felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to find Jack smirking at her.
"Did I miss anything?" He asked. She smiled, "your boyfriend's a really funny drunk." He laughed at that and went to stand behind Ianto who was focused on his drink. He started when he felt two arms slip around his waist and looked up to meet Jack's bright blue eyes. His face split into a grin, "JACK!"
"Ianto," Jack said with a teasing smile.
"You're here," Ianto said again, stating the obvious.
"So are you," Jack laughed as he slid beside him. "Are you having fun with Gwen?"
"Lots, lotsa, lotsa, LOTSA FUN." Ianto nodded, leaning his head close to Jack's. The Captain's eyes were twinkling as he reached over to grab the rest of Ianto's drink. Ianto leaned in to Jack's ear as if he were going to whisper, "there's better things to do with your mouth than that." Jack choked on his drink; coughing and Gwen raised her eyebrows.
"So, did you eat anything?" Jack said once he'd gotten his break back.
"Nope, I couldn't find anything I liked," Ianto sighed, looking up at Jack. "I'm in the mood for Captain Sausage."
"Oh, too much information," Gwen said, feeling her face begin to burn.
"Look, Jack!" Ianto pointed out excitedly. "She turns the same colour you do when I suck-mmpphff." The sentence was cut off by Jack's hand over his mouth.
"Ianto love, you aren't whispering. Everyone can hear you," Jack said, amused. Ianto shrugged. Gwen thought she'd seen the last of it.
"Ianto!" Jack suddenly yelped. The Welshman looked up at him innocently.
"I just wanted to touch it," he pouted at Jack. The Captain groaned, "what am I going to do with you?"
"Tie me up to the bedpost and have your way with me?" Ianto suggested. More than a few people stared at their table in shock. Jack looked down at his boyfriend with a lust filled gaze.
"I'll even keep the waistcoat on," Ianto grinned as he slipped his hands under Jack's shirt, feeling the skin shiver when his fingers skimmed over Jack's stomach. Jack grabbed Ianto's hand and shot a look at Gwen.
"Thanks again for taking Ianto out. He's never been this…loose before." He grinned turning back to his impatient boyfriend. Gwen watched as the taller man all but dragged the shorter one out of the club. She stirred her drink around and thanked god that was the end of the evening.
"ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX IN THE CAR!?" Ianto's shout carried through the busy area and Gwen put her head in her hands. She was never doing a favour for Jack again.
It's a little bit more suggestive than what I usually write but I still think it's funny. You see that grey-purple button over there? CLICK IT!