Lucky?
She was still awake, awake and waiting for what came every night.
Insomnia was the word wasn't it?
For people who couldn't sleep, that's what she was, she thought dully as she waited, an insomniac.
When had the sleepless nights started?
God how long ago?
Of course she knew when they had started, it was when she left.
And with that the first tear rolled down her cheek.
The pain so sudden and sharp she felt her throat would break.
Really, after all this time it could still hurt? This night time ritual of tears, memories and gut wrenching grief.
But she welcomed the pain, wanted it to break her wanted each tear to hurt her.
She felt the tears roll down her own cool cheeks and fall, lost amongst satin sheets.
They came more and more, pent up tears that she could never seem to get out during the day, there was something about the conventions and normalities of day time that never allowed her to cry, though she tried to find private corners but nothing worked like the night.
Darkness was her release.
Her tears stopped and the familiar sickening excitement grew in the pit of her stomach the memories and fantasy started.
Oh how she loved the memories!
So sweet and fresh they were, she let herself be lost in them. She closed her eyes to see them better with.
She was there now, walking down the corridor of her old high school, heals clicking purposefully.
Ah she could smell that bright corridor now, strong lemony wafts of the newly cleaned floor and the smell of newly mowed grass finding its way into the school through the windows.
It was beautiful, but she sweated excitedly nervously in her bed, forced her fantasy self to walk quicker, almost running.
Get to home room!
Come on they'll all be there, oh God!
The feeling of excitement grew in her stomach, Oh God another second and she would see them again.
The door opened in her subconscious and she saw them all; faces so bright!
Oh god! This was heaven, to be amongst them once more even if only in her mind, to be so near.
Through her closed eyes she feasted on them;
Gabriella, sweet, sweet honest Gabriella, her tanned skin shining healthily a smile of pure happiness on her open face. Gabriella how could she ever have hated her?!
Pure and innocent Gabriella had she really been cruel to her?
And next to her probably the reason she smiled so happily, was Troy, holding her hand in his own strong grasp, electric blue eyes smiling sweetly into Gabriella's as they shared a private joke.
She had wanted to split them apart really?!
But they belonged so truly together, of course not now…..
No!
She would not go down there yet, those dark thoughts came later dam it!
She would relish her fantasy for now.
And next to the golden couple?
Chad Danforth, easy going Chad, sweet, funny, loyal and determined. Always with the ability to see through her schemes, clever strong young man.
And he was smiling also, his eyes crinkled in laughter as he wrapped his brown toned arms around Taylor Mckessie.
Clever beautiful Taylor! So smart and efficient and kind, her face pleasurably fluttered with the attention from Chad.
Jason, poor old lovable Jason. She could have gotten to know him so much better. How could she ever have thought him dumb?! He was unique.
Martha, beautiful, beautiful Martha. Kind and intelligent Martha Cross. Oh God and she'd never seen her dance!
And Kelsie, sweet, shy, small Kelsie. Always too afraid to speak up to her, but she did in the end and outsmarted her a few times too. And her music, oh she'd never told her, such beautiful music, she should never have demanded it changed for her, it was perfect just perfect the way it was.
Next to Kelsie was Zeke Baylor, grinning right at her, hands filled with delicious treats he had beaked for her, with such love and care, every bead of sweat had been an offering to her. God she could feel his love now, so strong and determined too good for her.
Last in line she saw him, he's head tilted up slightly and his eyes met hers under his hat, with such a strong bond between them she could feel the pangs in her chest. Her family, her brother, her twin Ryan.
So many others Mrs.Darbus, the janitor, Mr.Fulton, Troy's parents, her own, all smiling at her, beautiful souls.
Of course it wasn't a memory what would they all be doing in her home room?
But it was her fantasy all those people she loved in the same room with her, oh God!
And as her eyes remained closed and she began turning, feeling the wonderfulness of the fantasy. Her senses came alive;
What was that she could smell?
Zeke's delicious cookies, oh god she could taste them.
What was that she could hear?
Laughter, light laughter of the Wildcats, oh god she wanted it to be the only sound she could ever hear.
What was that she could touch?
Kelsies piano, the smooth wood. The cool feel of her microphone, the body warmth they all shared happily, the feel of friends and lovers and of belonging. Oh god what would she do to feel that again.
And she could see them all in her minds eye in her memories, the bright yellow of Chad's shirt, the pure white of Gabriella's quarter lengths, the pools of blue in Troy's eyes, the shine from Kelsie's glasses as the sunlight hit them. Oh god she could see it all now.
Just as euphoria came too a high, her eyes opened up sharply at the loud sudden snore from the nameless faceless man lying next to her.
All of a sudden she hated him, whoever he was and she hated herself for having bought him back.
She sat up slowly panting. She raised one hand to wipe the sweat and hair of her forehead and leaned her back against the wall.
Stupid man!
He'd woken her from her fantasy, and now she could no longer see the sunshine pouring in from the class room in her mind, only darkness. And she could no longer hear their laughter only the damn sound of the dam sea.
She would get rid of this man in the morning, that's when they all went usually, seeing as she had no use for them after the night.
That's what she did; use them.
Men that looked like anyone she had known in Albuquerque; men that looked like; Troy, Chad, Jason, Zeke and even men that looked like her own twin, that's how desperate she had become.
These men were always easy to find, hanging round at nightclubs and the beach gagging for a one night stand and there she always was a beautiful young women with her own villa.
No strings attached.
She would take them back to the villa and order them not to talk, she didn't want to hear their accents she just wanted them. So that for a while she could lose herself, pretend she was with any man she had known from back home.
Of course when the morning came the illusion always broke, they were merely look alike of the real things and she would order them out from her property.
The same came with women,
although of course she didn't take them back to the villa, but it had happened a few times she'd been walking down the beach or doing some shopping and had stooped in her tracks to see someone she thought was Gabriella or Taylor of course they never were, but she would have to talk to them stare at them touch them to be sure.
Same with the familiar smell when she walked by a bakery that would make her by a batch of baked goods only to give them to some passing peasant after realising they taste nothing like the treats Zeke use to bake.
Or she would walk by a café or bar and hear a few strains of music making her go inside to listen right to the end of the performance and pretend it was Kelsie on the piano and they were all singing songs together.
Now the tears came again, crashing down her face oh god no stopping them now!
She rocked herself, threw off the satin sheet and hugged her legs to her chest.
She watched through her opened eyes as the real memories came crashing in;
Tears
Fire
Destruction
Ashes
Oh god she didn't want to think didn't want to remember.
But it had started; the bit she dreaded of the night time ritual; the remembering the overwhelming grief and terror that struck her in the chest so she wanted to die so much with the pain.
Her rocking became more frantic as she saw their faces printed like tattoos on her eyelids.
This was her curse, she knew it would be like this for the rest of her life every night feeling this pain, every night and it would never get better, only worse.
And yet though it was painful in a twisted way she loved it, all day longed for the night to come so she could feel the pain relive it, punish herself, drown in despair.
Her tears increased with desperation,
how could they all feel so close to her?
How could she smell, hear touch them almost and yet every time real life, cold unfamiliar reality would bring her back and the pain would settle numbly in her chest waiting once more for night to come and bring it out.
Madness,
That was the only bright ray in her future.
Funny, that people should fear it so, she longed for madness to take hold of her completely, so that she could forever be lost in her fantasies so that she could completely believe she was amongst her loved ones forget they were all ashes and she would never have to wake up from them.
Really, people feared madness?!
It sounded like heaven to her.
She laid back down, the tears over now, only emptiness remained as the last flashback played through her mind.
"Well miss Evans your lucky, you were the only survivor."
Lucky?
This was an unplanned one-shot it just came to me, so what did y'all think?