I Told You I Loved You (But I Don't Know What Love Is)

Notes: SO this is what happens when I binge watch Arrow and suddenly receive a ton of Olicity feelings.

Disclaimer: I don't own Arrow or any of the characters.

"I love you".

The first time Oliver Queen ever tells Felicity Smoak he loves her, he lies.

Well, not exactly.

It's not so much a lie as an uncertain truth. Ever since the island, Oliver isn't really sure he knows how to be in love with anybody. It beat it out of him ceaselessly, an unrelenting storm of devastation. If he's honest, he almost feels a little lighter when he comes out on the other side. He remembers Slade telling him that it's dangerous to get attached, and he believes it. Every time he thinks he doesn't, he just quickly goes through the ever-growing list of dead people in his head. His father. Yao Fei. Shado. Tommy. His mother. He goes back to reality after that.

Oliver isn't sure if he was ever really in love with anyone anyway. Pre- island him was less than preoccupied with commitment and emotional honesty, so he never really took the time to consider it. Once upon a time, he may have been in love with Laurel, but somewhere along the line, his feelings became harder to define. (If he was being honest, it was probably the moment he started sleeping with Sara. Or one of the other dozens of girls he cheated on Laurel with.)

Felicity's a different story. Felicity is after the island. Felicity is after everything that made Oliver who he is happened. She has never known an unscarred, emotionally unbattered Oliver Queen. She stays anyway. And that kind of scares the shit out of him.

So he bottles it. Ignores how her disappointment in him for sleeping with Isabel in Russia made him destroy two of the dummies in the lair during training, trying to push away the shame of it. Rationalizes that it's just Felicity's help that he misses when she's visiting Barry in Central City, and not her laugh or the way she furrows her brow when she's working on a case they can't figure out. Lets her steal French fries off his plate at Big Belly Burger, because they're friends, after all, and it would just be impolite to say no. Calls her his girl, because she really is when you think about it. (In a totally platonic way.) Hugs her back when she tells him that he's not alone and she believes in him. After a while, he barely notices the slight twinges that happen somewhere in his chest every time he sees her. Being on the island for so long made it easy for him to forget to be human.

So when he decides to tell her he loves her and slip her the cure, a part of him argues that this is the only way he knows how to defeat Slade, and he has to take the chance. He almost believes that he isn't wrong until she says, "Oh" and her eyes widen slightly, and then he realizes. She believes him. And he's not lying.

He's a bit stunned by the realization, a sudden punch to the gut as he realizes what he's doing. An uncomfortably true love declaration was not part of the plan. He thought Felicity would just pocket the cure and leave but he knows what he's done. He told the truth. The one thing Oliver Queen is never supposed to do.

He presses on anyway, because if he's going to destroy their relationship to save the city, he might as well finish the job. He grabs her hand, and quickly presses the syringe holding the cure into it. "Do you understand?"

He almost thinks she'll break for a second. She stops looking at him and sharply thought he could handle this, so he's surprised that the sound makes him feel like a knife has twisted in his gut. Felicity's shattered, a tear threatening to come out of her left eye. He leans in closer for a moment, trying to be both persuasive and comforting. Mostly he just catches a whiff of her perfume, and inhales the heady scent of jasmine. Having gathered herself, Felicity stands up straight and squeezes his hand, silently accepting her role in the plan. As she turns around and walks out of the mansion, Oliver feels unsteady. The smell of her is still there, and he takes it in for a moment, closing his eyes and realizing he doesn't really know how to process what he just did. At all. He stands paralyzed for a moment, before his cell beeps and he sees that it's a message from Diggle, asking for an update on how his plan is going. Then he remembers that Slade is currently wreaking havoc on Starling City, and steels his shoulders before putting his hood up. Oliver had seen enough pain for one night, and he was going to defeat Slade before he had to see any more.