This is set in the beginning of season three around episode three Dirty Loyal.
She woke on a Saturday morning, her head pounding and her heart felt empty. She was angry at him, but mostly sad. It broke her heart that he could so easily treat her this way, especially because she knew that despite his rough exterior and his nonchalant attitude, he was very loyal, affectionate and soft, even though that was deep, deep down, and his great fear of abandonment created this facade to protect him from possible hurt. His mother's parting had caused his heart to be suspicious, wary, and very protective, but despite that he loved with such passion that the few he had shared it with, were forever affected by the pure strength of it. His relationship with Zoe proved that. Their love was a tumultuous one, which in the end proved to be stronger than either of them could control, so lest it destroy them both Zoe left. Cal was absolutely devastated when she left, and was longer to recover then most people knew. To this day their love still lingers, a shadow of its past strength, but still too strong to completely die.
Gillian knew Cal loved her, but what frightened her more then all the mean words he spat at her, was the fear that his love for her wasn't strong enough to survive. That it would slowly wither away, and he would become indifferent about her. The mere thought of that chilled her bones. She contemplated having wine for breakfast, but quickly pushed that thought from her mind. She had spent a majority of her life taking care of other people, she always put others needs before her own. But as she looked out her kitchen window at the leaves falling to the ground, indicating that autumn was finally here, she felt as if she was that tree, and her leaves were her care and love and protection of the people she loved. Cal was like the wind that blew away her leaves, until she stood there bare and alone, with only the streetlamp for company. She had enough. She needed to take care of herself now, she had no more leaves to shed for him.
She got dressed in tight fitting burgundy dress and her favourite heels, and she began to feel a little like herself again. She realised that recently all her days were spent thinking about him in one way or another. What sort of trouble he was getting himself into, what kind of trouble he was getting her and their company into, what he was doing... This needed to stop. She was turning into a bystander in her own life, where everything revolved around him. She needed to feel like herself again. She grabbed her purse and walked out into the refreshing crisp autumn air.
She had a late breakfast at her favourite small cafe downtown. It was too long since she had come here. She sat with her coffee and a very large slice of chocolate cake and looked around. There was a young couple holding hands sat at the next table, and a mother with a stroller enjoying the peace and quiet while her baby slept. Quite a few people sat with their laptops writing away, and a tourist was taking very loudly on Skype. The atmosphere in the cafe was very relaxing. She took a sip of her coffee and noticed a handsome man in his early forties smiling at her as he gathered his laptop and coat. She smiled back and took a large bit of cake. The handsome man walked out and looked at her as he closed the cafe door. Gillian smiled again, this was turning out to be a rather excellent morning, and she couldn't shake the feeling of this being a new beginning for her.
She got ready to leave, and decided that she would look around the bookstore on the corner. She had always loved books, for as long as she remembered. Books were her haven when her father drank through her childhood, they were her anchor and her first love. Whenever she needed to step out from reality, she would pick a book and sit in her closet with a flashlight for hours, getting lost in each fictional world after another. She had read very little except budget reports and work files for a too long.
The walk to the bookstore was nice. The weather was getting a bit colder and she clutched her scarf around her and breathed in the air. Autumn had always been her favourite season. When she was a child it has meant the beginning of the school year and spending less time at home in a tense household. It symbolised new beginnings, a fresh start and exciting times, and that feeling kept. A small bell rang as she opened the door to the bookstore. This store was in an old building with four floors and many nooks and staircases all around, it felt quite magical in there. Gillian walked around, touching the stems of the books, until she found an interesting one. She was reading the back cover and walking towards a comfy chair when she collided with a dark haired man.
-Oh, I'm sorry, She said as she looked up from the book
-No proble... The man stopped mid word
They looked at each other for a long while
-Gillian, he finally said
-Alec, she responded shocked.
He bend forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
-It's nice to see you- he said and smiled, and Gillian saw that he was genuinely pleased to see her.
-You too, she smiled back.
-Find something good? He asked, pointing to the book in her hand.
-What, oh, she said a little slow to realise what he meant.
-Um, I don't really know, she contemplated the book in her hand.
-I like the author, she said looking at the author's photo on the back.
Gillian hadn't seen her ex-husband in almost two years. The last she had heard, he had moved from the city. She couldn't stop looking at him. He looked healthy. He was wearing blue pants, a plaid shirt and tweed jacket, and although he looked very handsome and stylish, she thought this very strange. He had never, in their whole marriage wore anything like this. But his outfit suited him, and in a way he looked much more comfortable then in his old suit, which was his uniform throughout their marriage. He reminded her of the global economics grad student she had first fallen in love with, when they were both in university. At that time he was full of romantic ideals about the world, before the capitalistic allure of DC had pulled him in.
Gillian realised that Alec was looking at her and smiling. He looked like a new person.
-You look wonderful Gillian, he said
-Thank you. So do you, she pointed to his outfit, -You look different, she said and then said with a small sad smile
-You look like you're happy.
She didn't realise why that made her sad. She hadn't really spared a thought his way since their divorce. But seeing him now made her painfully aware of how long she had stayed in a unhappy marriage, and the fact that he looked like a new man made her contemplate whether being with her had held his back his happiness.
-I am, he said simply
Then as if he was stealing himself he said- Do you want to take a walk with me, and catch up? He looked hopeful at her.
-Sure, she said despite her slight trepidation
They walked out together and made their way to nowhere in particular. The silence between them was a bit awkward but still amicable.
-How are you? He asked
-Oh, fine, and you? Gillian said, but she sounded distant
-I'm good. Really good actually. Alec smiled, and there was something so different about his smile. He had rarely smiled like this during the last years of their marriage, a true happiness smile, with crinkled eyes and all.
-I'm clean, he added and looked directly into her eyes.
-I'm glad, she answered and she meant it.
-I, um, quit the State Department. It was not a good environment for me. He glanced a look at her and then continued.
-When you left I spiraled out of control. I did many things I'm not proud of. - A look of shame pasted his eyes. -But one night I got home, really out of it, and I thought, what's the point of all this, what's the point of my life. I had spent my last penny on my latest fix, and I owed more than I could pay, and I just thought 'what if I just end it all, right now'. - He avoided Gillian's gaze but she could see deep shame and guilt in his face.
-I began contemplating how I would end my life, when I stumbled into a dresser and our wedding photo fell to the floor. I cut my hand picking up the glass, but when my bleeding hand smeared your face, I completely freak out. I took of my shirt to clean the photo, but the sight of your face defiled because of my cowardice made me sick. I knew I couldn't do it to you, I couldn't kill myself and leave you to pick up the pieces, to make you feel guilty, as I knew you would.- He looked at her, and he was so open to her, and full of self-loathing and apprehension.
Gillian didn't say anything because she knew he needed to continue, he needed her to know.
He smiled, as if he had read her mind
-I quit, cold turkey that night. - His chested rose a little, not entirely from pride but more from the fact that he could say it and it being completely true.
-I checked myself into rehab, and for the first time I felt as if I had some control of my future. I kept thinking, I have nothing left to screw up. You had left and my career was as good as gone, I thought. But with that came freedom I didn't expect. - He looked ahead, contemplating.
-So now I'm teaching part time and then I help my father with his business.- Alec looked at her and smiled.
Gillian took in his words. She didn't remember him ever being so honest and self-critical before, it truly felt like he had turned his life around. They had wandered into a small street with vintage boutiques and quirky shops and cafes. They crossed the street and Alec put his hand on her lower back in a protective manner, and he didn't seem to notice he was doing it. Gillian felt emotions bubbling inside her from this small gesture. How she had missed being taken care of, even if it was in such an insignificant way. It made her think about Cal, and her mind conjured up a picture of him standing at a safe distance, with his hands deep in his pockets.
- Are you hungry? He asked hopefully, pointing towards a small bistro.
Gillian was sceptical for a moment. He saw her doubts and replied quickly
-No never mind. - He looked away from her, and Gillian could see he was reprimanding himself mentally.
- You know, I would love to eat, Gillian said smiling. Deep down was a small voice telling her this was a bad idea, that she could be getting herself into trouble, but she ignored it. For far too long she had followed rules, done the proper thing, and been the responsible adult and look where it got her. A tired woman in her forties, alone, with a trampled heart. A part of her thought whether she was only doing this to annoy Cal, but that was ridiculous as he was nowhere near, and she frankly didn't think he would care all that much.
- I have been talking too much, tell me what's new with you? Alec smiled at her and held the door open for her.
-Oh, not much really. I work a lot, nothing new there, - she smiled a smile that didn't reach her eyes
-And.. - she thought for a moment. What more did she do then work. She used to go to basketball games, or book clubs, or plan weekends with friends, but lately ( a lot longer than lately, really) she did very little except work. And spent time with Cal of course..
Alec saw that she was yet again lost in thought.
- The group doing well, I assume? He asked politely.
- Yes, most of the times anyway - Gillian tried to sound nonchalant, but the financial troubles and general Cal-troubles popped to her mind.
- That's good. I hope you're not over-working yourself - he said and looked carefully at her. Gillian thought she could sense a jab pointed at Cal there, and to her surprise it didn't bother her, though she was pretty sure that if someone else had said it she would have defended him. Because she was nothing if not loyal. Loyal to a fault.
They ordered their lunch and sat and looked at each other. This was a strange feeling, looking at someone you once knew better than anyone and with whom you share a long history, who is now almost a stranger. It was a bittersweet feeling, and although she didn't regret her divorce, it was hard not play a game of what if now that she was spending time with him again. Then she thought she was being silly, they had spent an hour together at the most, and she didn't even know if he was single. But this was crazy, it didn't matter whether he was single or not. They were simply catching up with each other.
They ate their food and reminisced about restaurants they used to go when they were dating. When they had finished Gillian looked at her watch. They had spent well over two hours together, time had really flown by.
-I better get going - she said
- Yeah, me too. - he said as he waved the waiter. He paid, even though she insisted on paying for her share, and they walked out together. The weather was getting worse and she clutched the scarf tighter around her neck.
-Listen Gillian, I am so pleased that we had a chance to see each other, I really am. - He stroked her arm fondly and Gillian looked at his face. He looked like he wanted to say something else but thought better of it.
- I'm glad we met. Thank you for being so honest with me, I really appreciate it. - Gillian squeezed his hand and smiled.
They said goodbye and he kissed her cheek. His lips lingered a bit longer on her cheek and he closed his eyes.
-You're so beautiful- he whispered and kissed her again. Then he quickly withdrew from her and gave her a lingering look before he walked away.
Gillian began walking they way they had walked. She barely noticed where she was walking, her mind was so full of thoughts about these past few hours. She finally arrived at her car and drove home. When she came home she kicked of her shoes and sat in her living room.
What a day it had been.
tbc..