Disclaimer Haiku:

Teen Titans are not

Mine, though I dearly wish they

Were for Season Five!

A/N: Do I know why I write snippets like this? No. Catharsis, maybe. Or psychosis. Time will tell.

Mind Swap

© Scribbler, November 2007.

"So that big-ass gun Gizmo was hauling, it … swapped their minds?"

"Basically? Yes." Jinx rubbed her chin between forefinger and thumb. It seemed like a sarcastic movement, except she wasn't acting her usual sarcastic self. For once, she seemed completely on the level, which was frankly more disturbing than a hex-bolt to the face. Even more disturbing than inviting her inside their Tower, and standing chatting with her while his teammates threatened more damage to each other than she'd ever achieved.

This whole scenario was surreal, Aqualad reflected.

Jinx sighed and shook her head. "Actually, no, it's way more complicated than that. He talked about that device before, but for as long as I've known him he's never worked all the kicks out of it."

"Seems like he worked them out fine to me." Aqualad winced. He was wary of Jinx, since he knew her only by reputation and a few glimpses across a crowded battlefield.

In turn, Jinx regarded him critically, as if assessing whether or not this was worth her time. Evidently it was. "The way Gizmo described it, the device isn't a mind-swapping ray-gun like in some comic book. It's all to do with mimicking the unique thought patterns that make up each individual mind and mapping them onto the neurons of separate brain matter using electromagnetic pulses-"

"Hey, babe, enough with the technical talk." Kid Flash slung an arm around her shoulder like a hyperactive scarf. "Question Numero Uno: can this be reversed?"

She swatted at him. It looked only a little playful.

Playful? Jinx? Surreal only just covered it.

"How should I know? I didn't even know he'd perfected the thing until you called me."

"Who else to solve a HIVE Five problem than their former leader?" Kid Flash blew her a kiss, laughed, and dashed away before she could ram a sparkling ball of pink energy up his nose. He called from the other end of the room, "You know you love me."

"Yeah right."

Aqualad wondered why she'd bothered to heed Kid Flash's message over her communicator if she disliked him so much. Then he pushed the thought away; he had more pressing matters to worry about right now. "In theory, could it be reversed?"

"In theory, sure. But the odds aren't good without the little dingbat on hand to explain the fine details of how his invention works. What I want to know is, why did Gizmo even use it on you guys in the first place? It didn't provide any opportunity for him and the others to get away since he only fired it at two of you, and it's not exactly an offensive weapon."

Considering some of the words coming from the argument they were watching, Aqualad wasn't sure that was strictly correct. He'd heard sailors in a storm with cleaner language.

Aqualad watched Mas y Menos zooming back and forth, trying to comfort, placate and soothe the situation – all to no avail. Tension crackled in the air like a hand over a recently turned-off TV screen. Nobody was hurt in the fight, and all members of the HIVE Five were back in custody, but the potential for further injuries was fast approaching critical mass. As the most senior member of Titans East available, it was his duty to fix this. He just wished he knew how.

Jinx went on, "Maybe he was just messing with you. Pranking you or something." The naked disgust in her voice could have stripped paint. "The little toad always had low goals. Even with that huge brain the best target he could ever think to rip off was a gaming store or Square Enix for their latest Final Fantasy release."

"It's a good thing I was passing this grubby little burg when I was, or you guys would be more sunk than the Titanic." Kid Flash was suddenly at Aqualad's right shoulder, noisily wolfing potato chips from a family-sized bag. An instant later he was leaning against his left shoulder, not so much as a crumb clinging to his lips. "Sometimes I amaze even myself with how good I am."

Aqualad opened his mouth to reply, but the floor beneath them cut him off. Kid Flash yelped as a burst water pipe shot him into the air on a fountain of brown muck.

"If you don't have anything useful to say, shut up," Jinx advised, arms folded and gaze imperious as a headteacher during a school inspection. She peered around the fountain to meet Aqualad's eyes. "My advice? Call the authorities and call Robin's Titans. Get Cyborg on this. It's not magic, it's science, so I can't help you and I'm bored. Bye." With that she turned on her heel and left.

It was an indication of how surreal his life was, Aqualad thought, that he didn't worry about her sabotaging the Tower on her way out. At least, not so much as he worried about Bumblebee and Speedy shredding each other with their bare hands as they tried to blame each other for what had happened.

"I do not even want to know which pipe she popped!" Kid Flash shouted from above him, flailing and getting covered in gunge.

Aqualad knew exactly which, but said nothing as he used his aquakinesis to force the liquid back into its pipe and drag that same pipe closed. He could do a better repair job later, when his teammates weren't three seconds away from killing each other. Or … themselves. Via each other. Via themselves. Whatever.

So surreal, even for them.

"This royally sucks," said Bumblebee with a glare so heavy it could've set off a landmine at thirty paces. "Royally. Sucks."

"Oh, shut up, Sassafras," retorted Speedy, canting his hips to one side in a pose Aqualad had grown more used to in a feminine shape, because (as he kept reminding himself) that wasn't Speedy. Or, it was, but with Bumblebee's mind mapped onto it and dominating the indigenous thought processes. So it was actually Bumblebee, until they returned her mind to her body. or reprogrammed their brains back to normal. Or something.

It was all very complicated and far more stressful than Aqualad wanted to deal with when he was already nursing a cracked rib and a headache the size of Calcutta. Mammoth had bounced him off the Tower wall and he'd been vaguely surprised to see he hadn't left an Aqualad-shaped imprint.

"Mas, Menos, venido aquí."

Mas and Menos gave their usual not-so-private smirk over their teammates' poor Spanish, but came over and looked up at him expectantly.

Aqualad cringed. He could take charge in a crisis, but he didn't actually like being leader. He liked the freedom to swim into the open ocean without worrying about liaisons with police chiefs and security officers. He hated paperwork. And he hated the feeling of little kids like Mas and Menos depending on him to make decisions for them. That had always been the great thing about working with Beast Boy – they fought and arguing because BB didn't expect Aqualad to make choices on his behalf and wouldn't look soulfully up at him if he got it wrong and someone got hurt. Like now. Being leader was a pain in the small details.

"Watch these two don't kill each other while I'm gone."

"¿Adónde usted va?"

"Nauseating as it is to say it, I'm going to take Jinx's advice and call Titans West."

"Hey, don't be dissing my girlfriend." Kid Flash appeared to push his face into Aqualad's. His arms were folded and pristine, showing no sign of sewage water.

Aqualad didn't appreciate the attempt at intimidation. "If you're so attached to her, why don't you go with her to … wherever it is she goes when she's off radar?"

"Because you owe me for saving your butts from the Foolish Five. I'm thinking dinner." Kid Flash grinned. This wasn't such a simple request, since his hyper-fast metabolism meant he could easily demolish their entire week's food supply and still have room for more.

"¿Novia?" Mas y Menos looked at him incredulously. "¡Ella no es su novia¡Ella le tiene aversión¡Ella le llama los nombres! Ella no es uniforme una muchacha que usted puede llamar a un amigo porque ella nos dejó aquí sin la solución a nuestro problema."

"Uh … yeah. Absolutely," nodded Kid Flash, clearly having no idea what they'd said.

The twins shook their heads in unison and cast patronising smiles at him. Since they had a sort-of rivalry going with Kid Flash over who was the fastest (every challenge of which he had won so far), they grabbed their victories over him where they could.

"Oh yeah?" echoed Bumblebee's voice, though the accent was far different than usual. "Well you can take these Stingers and …"

"I don't know why I even save your miserable hide when Gizmo was pointing that contraption at your fat head. It's not like I expected any thanks or anything …"

"How the heck do you fold your arms in this body? I try it and I can't breathe!"

"Well your centre of balance is so screwed up I'm always a heartbeat from falling on my – I mean your – scrawny ass!"

"Better than the ass in this thing. I feel like I'm carting two bags of jelly doughnuts-"

"Why you obnoxious little – c'mere so I can smack you outta my brain!"

"Whoops." Mas and Menos zoomed off to stifle World War III.

Kid Flash looked on contemplatively. "You know, if Arrow-boy and Wasp-girl-"

"Speedy and Bumblebee," Aqualad automatically corrected.

"Whatever. If they ever had kids, this is what they might be like – one boy and one girl with parts of each parent's personality rolled into one. Scary thought, huh? Hey, you know what this needs?"

"A big rewind button so we can avoid this whole mess in the first place?" Aqualad tried.

"Nope. Popcorn!"

As the dulcet tones of squabbling echoed in his ears, Aqualad wondered whether every Titans team had days where it barely seemed worth getting out of bed.

Fin.