Title: An End Has a Start
Summary: In life, we generally hear about beautiful love stories, because let's be honest, who wants to hear about troubled lovers? If I had to pick just one part of my story with Bella to share, it would be the beginning. I hadn't broken any promises to her then. No, I hadn't broken her heart, either. I was already a mess, but she didn't know it. Otherwise, there'd be no story to tell.
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: M for language and drug references.
Word count: 4,808
=oOo=
When I was a child, I always dreamt of performing at the best venues in the world as an aura of grandness surrounded me while I mastered whichever piece I was playing. In actuality, the place where I was singing didn't remotely compare to those of my imagination.
No, Eclipse was a dive bar by Pioneer Square which allowed me to earn some cash and showcase my talent. It definitely wasn't ideal, but I didn't really have much to choose from and it paid $200 a night for just one set. The bar's owner had seen me playing at Pike Place Market when he offered me a gig on Friday nights. He presented himself as James Hunter, and told me he'd heard about me, claiming I was exactly what he needed to set the mood at Eclipse. I wasn't too surprised he knew about me since I've gotten pretty popular for busking at Pike Place, although I never imagined he'd hire me permanently.
I agreed, yet I told him that my buddy Jasper would play with me as my second guitarist and back-up singer. James didn't have a problem with it, but he didn't pay me more, telling me it would be up to me how much money I gave Jasper. That didn't stop me from asking Jasper to play with me, though. After all, he'd been who helped me when I hit the streets; therefore, I felt it was only fair to help him out, too.
So there we were on a Friday night, singing our cover of Kings of Leon's "Closer." Being a favorite, the crowd solemnly echoed the haunting lyrics of the song until we finished. Afterward, Jasper and I thanked everyone before saying farewell and heading over to James's office to collect our pay. We were halfway there when Alice, one of the bartenders, stopped us.
"Hey, boys," she said in a saucy tone, waving a small yellow envelope. "I've got your money right here."
I chuckled, handing my hand out to her. "Thanks, Alice."
Alice put the envelope behind her back. "Nope, you don't get your money unless you agree to party with me tonight."
"You mean party with you at your house?" I asked, raising my brow.
"That's right." She nodded, stepping closer to whisper in my ear. "It'll just be you and me and Jasper."
Stepping back, I chuckled once again and looked over to Jasper. "What do you say, Jax? Are you in the mood for partying tonight?"
Jasper's eyes lit up with excitement, telling me all I needed to know. Still, he nodded and confirmed my suspicion verbally.
"Thanks for accepting my invitation!" Alice gushed. "I'm done with my shift in ten minutes, so wait for me in the back parking lot."
"I haven't agreed yet," I said.
"But you will," Alice taunted, smiling deviously at me as she threaded one of her hands in my hair. "I've got some H waiting just for you."
As soon as those words left her mouth, I could practically feel Jasper vibrating with anticipation. He was probably imagining the same thing as me since we'd been to one of Alice's "parties" before, making us aware of what type of debauchery waited for us.
There was no way I could deny her invitation, so I readily agreed.
Alice smirked. "I told you you'd say yes! I'll see you in ten minutes, so go get your things."
Without another word, Alice returned to the bar and began doing her closing duties while Jasper and I headed to the beaten up stage where we'd played. We packed up our guitars, passing by a small coat checkroom by the entrance on our way. Victoria—James's wife—was there, looking bored as fuck as she waited for patrons to come in. Sometimes, I pity Victoria when I see her, wondering if she truly doesn't know James fucks around with Alice in his office. Then again, I don't think too much of it, knowing Victoria has been trying too hard to stay with James despite that he doesn't make her happy.
We've never talked about it, but it's glaringly obvious since it's written all over her face. It truly makes me wonder how people can be so selfless. I really don't understand it, yet it might be because I'm selfish as fuck, you know? That's the main reason why I've never been in a relationship which involves getting emotionally attached.
"What's got you thinking so hard, Ed?" Jasper asked from behind me.
Shaking my head, I continued my course without turning back to look at him. "How fucked up we're about to get," I lied, chuckling.
"Fuck, man, it's been a while since she invited us to her place," he observed.
I laughed. "Yeah, but I guess she's been too busy fucking James lately."
"So, what?" he scoffed. "Now she's slumming it?"
She would be if she were better than us, but she's not; Alice is just another junkie who needs her fix. The only difference between us is that she has a home where she hides her vice.
=o=
"Oh," Alice moaned loudly as Jasper pounded into her.
We were all in her living room, high as a fucking kite after snorting some lines. Jasper had her legs around his neck, gripping her hips as he fucked her roughly on her couch while I sat back and watched. Of all the shit we did together, this was my favorite part. I reveled in my high, enjoying the way Alice and Jasper slid against each other while their bodies created a melody with their groans and slapping skin.
All of us were slick with sweat, having inhaled adrenaline minutes before, and while they were already naked, I was simply shirtless. I leaned my head back against the couch, closing my eyes for a second before I felt Alice crawling up my body. She kissed me wildly once she straddled my lap while Jasper watched from his spot.
My hands immediately went to her breasts, kneading them eagerly, as she began to unbutton my pants. When she had managed to push my jeans down along with my boxers, I lifted my hips for her to rid me of them. As she did so, she got off my lap and kneeled in front of me, sucking me deeply into her mouth which caused me to groan. Jasper moved behind Alice then, gripping her hips once more and thrusting into her from behind.
From that point on, all that could be heard were moans and muttered profanities while we called out to a God who we only remembered while we were enraptured committing sins of the flesh all night long. After all, what was breaking one more commandment? We were all going to go to Hell anyway.
=oOo=
The following morning, Jasper and I returned to our motel room at the Columbus Motor Inn. It was time to face our crude reality after being entranced for hours from all the coke we snorted, but since we still had a few hours until we had to check out, smoking some smack before departing was ideal. That would give us a couple extra hours of escape and bliss until we had to repeat our daily routine.
As sad as it sounds, it's true.
Some things would be done differently, yet we always sought the same outcome: getting high.
After checking out, both Jasper and I would head out to busk in the streets. I'd go to Pike Place while he went to Pioneer Square to sing for some spare change. We both arrived at our regular spots with our guitars and the baggage we carried around with ourselves. While Jasper kept his belongings in a large backpack, I kept mine in an old, military duffle bag I'd found at Salvation Army.
Sometimes, people would ask me where I'd toured since they presumed I was a military veteran, but little did they know the only war I had ever attended was the one in my head. I could see how they'd come to that conclusion, though, given my grizzly beard and worn out clothes I wore while busking. Others thought I was some sort of a hippie, living an unglamorous life while sticking it to the man.
In the end, it didn't matter what anyone thought.
Nobody really knew me, anyway. I never gave them the chance—not even Jasper, and he was the only person I had actually opened up to.
I mean, it's not like it was necessary. All that anyone needed to know about me was my name and whatever contribution I'd make in our exchange. Everything else was useless since my past and my future weren't going to be a factor in whatever we were doing at the moment.
If I was buying some dope from you, all you needed to know was how much I wanted and which kind I needed.
If I was purchasing some meals, all you needed to know was how I wanted my food to be prepared and what I'd like to drink with it.
And, well, if I was seeking refuge from the night at the shelter where you worked, all you needed was my name, too. Being there regularly, you'd know I could even lie to you about that. I most probably wouldn't come back for another shower and a comfortable bed in long time. Otherwise, you'd want to help me, and we'd get nowhere because I didn't want any help.
So, in turn, Jasper and I lined up at a different shelter every night until we visited all the ones around our area, and then we started all over again.
Jasper and I had this down pat, almost making an art out of it.
=oOo=
Another Friday came along, which meant another routine had to take place. After performing during the morning at our corners, Jasper and I met up at a McDonald's for some lunch. We counted our money and put our room money to the side, figuring how much we had left for our dope to callour dealer. Sometimes, Jasper made more money than I did, or vice versa, but we always split it up and shared.
That was fucking law between us since the beginning and it never changed.
Since we had fifty bucks, we called Ben, our dealer, and asked him for four dime-bags. Ben always sold us top quality smack, so we'd been buying from him for a long while. He was an overall nice person—considering what he did for a living, of course—but the only problem he had was his "wife" Angela. She was the perfect poster child for crack whores all around the world, and whenever we made a transaction with Ben, she would tag along, trying to get us to use her services.
Yeah, she did that shit in front of Ben, and I couldn't imagine he didn't care, but it seemed to be the case, making me think he probably was her pimp. I had no business getting involved in that, though, so, as always, I kept my thoughts to myself.
After calling Ben, Jasper and I headed to the park where we always met and waited for him. About fifteen minutes later, he showed up, and as predicted, Angela was on his arm. She was dressed in a leopard mini dress that did nothing for her stick figure, and the black platform shoes she wore didn't help her, either, given that they made her look scraggier than usual. Her long, dark hair was tousled, and the matching heavy eyeliner she wore was smudged, making her face look gaunt. The only thing that was missing were her ripped stockings to make her look complete, and since she lacked them, the evidence of her bad habits was exposed all over her legs, too.
Angela flashed me a rotten-toothed smile, looking me up and down while Ben greeted us.
"Hey, man," he told Jasper as he shook hands. "Let's get down to business, shall we? I gotta be at Bellevue in an hour with an important customer."
Jasper nodded, stepping to the side to do the quick exchange.
Meanwhile, Angela walked over to where I stood. "Hey, Eddie," she said, placing her hand on my bicep.
"Hey, Ange," I replied, irritated by the pet name she loved to call me.
"How have you been, baby?" she purred.
I shrugged. "Same old, same old, you know? How about yourself?"
"Good, good, but I'm still waiting for you to call me." Angela grinned again, batting her lashes at me.
"Ange, you know that I don't have to pay for sex," I scoffed. And I didn't say that to be an arrogant asshole, it was simply the truth. I was good looking—I knew that—and even though I was homeless, I could still score with any chick I set my sights on. I'd done it before.
"Who said you had to pay?" Angela retorted. "I've got some Number Four heroin—straight from Asia—that I can pay you with. You're gonna get so high you're gonna be outta your mind for days."
"Alright, alright," Ben said, breaking our conversation. "We gotta go."
As Ben pulled her by her arm, Angela told me, "You got my number, Eddie. Think about it and call me."
I just nodded, fully aware she was right. I had an old paper which was folded in four and stashed in my wallet with her phone number. I just didn't know why I still had it. It wasn't as if I was ever going to use it.
=o=
After getting our motel room, Jasper and I smoked half of our dope and then got ready to head out to Eclipse. We usually smoked more, but since we had little money, that's all we could afford. What we'd bought would get us through the night, yet we had to return to the motel as soon as we were done with our set or we'd start getting sick. That was something we always avoided, so I planned to make my set a bit shorter in order to not take the risk.
When we arrived at the dive bar, I noticed there was a new girl at the coat checkroom in Victoria's place. Unlike her predecessor, this girl actually smiled at us, welcoming us to Eclipse.
"Can you believe that, Ed?" Jasper asked, chuckling once we'd passed her. "Let's see how long she stays happy about her new job."
I grinned, shaking my head. "Probably until James makes a move on her—if he hasn't already."
"What are you boys saying about me?" James asked, appearing in front of us before we reached the stage. He didn't look upset at all, but more as if he were pleased with himself for busting our balls.
"What happened to Victoria?" I said in retaliation. "She finally leave your ass, or something?"
James chuckled. "Something like that, yeah."
"Did she finally realize you've been fucking around on her?" Jasper asked. "She better not have hurt Alice if she did, man."
Extending his arms in a placating manner, James said, "Calm down, it was nothing like that." He shrugged. "I simply told her that I didn't want to have kids, and Vic lost her shit. She started packing, telling me I had wasted her youth and some other bullshit. I mean, I get it—that was something I had to have told her since the beginning—but we never even discussed it afterward."
"You've gotta be fucking dense to not know women want to have kids," I told James. "That's why they get married in the first place."
"That's bullshit," James spat.
"No, it's not," Jasper chuckled. "Women are always talking about their fertility clocks and shit, complaining they haven't found the right man to start popping out kids."
James looked perplexed for a moment, but then seemed to regain his focus. "Alright, let's leave this conversation for another night, okay? But if you fuckers can take anything away from my failed marriage, it's this: be upfront. I know I wasn't an exemplar husband, but Victoria deserved better than to wait around for me to do something I was never interested in doing."
I just nodded, because what else was I supposed to say? I had no plans in getting involved with anyone any time soon.
=o=
Looking at the crowd before I began the last song of the night, I took a deep breath. "Hope you like this next song," I told the bar's patrons. "It's by Marcus Foster, and it's called 'I Was Broken.' If you know it, don't hesitate to sing along." I immediately strummed the first notes on my guitar, singing the lyrics which many people related to, and as soon as I was done, I thanked the crowd and stood from my seat.
Feeling on edge, I stepped outside for a smoke, hoping it would rid me of the uneasiness I was experiencing because I needed another fix. On my way there, I took out one of my Camels and placed it between my lips so that I could light it as soon as I set foot on the other side of the door. Once my cigarette was ablaze, I closed my eyes and savored the instant soothing the cigarette gave me. I leaned against the building's brick wall while everything around me seemed to disappear, and it wasn't until I heard a chuckle that I realized someone else was outside with me.
I opened my eyes warily, immediately on guard and skeptical of whom it could be, yet it was unnecessary since it was simply the new girl. She was standing a few feet away from me, smirking as she exhaled some smoke from her own cigarette.
"Hey." I waved my hand to her in greeting. "I didn't see you when I came out."
"It's okay." She shrugged. "It's not like I was standing in your periphery."
I nodded. "So, how's your first day going?"
"It's actually my first week," she informed me. "I've been here since Monday."
"Oh, I didn't know that," I said before taking another pull from my cigarette.
"Yeah, you're only here on Fridays," the girl said. "James told me it would be busier tonight, and I can see why. You've got a great voice."
I chuckled, suddenly uncomfortable with her flattery. "Thanks."
"So, how long have you been singing here?" she asked. "I just moved to this area and I hadn't heard about you before."
"Does that mean I'm, like, a celebrity or something?" I teased.
She nodded, smirking. "According to James, you've even got fangirls."
That caused me to laugh loudly. "That's bullshit."
"Why?" she began. "I can definitely see it happening. I mean, just look at your face."
As she said that, she gazed into my eyes with an earnest expression. No one had looked at me like that in a long time, making me feel vulnerable almost immediately. That fucking terrified me, so I looked down quickly, wanting to break the spell she was casting on me already.
After a beat of silence, she spoke again. "Your last song was very soulful, by the way—very touching. You must have lost someone you loved deeply to sing it with that much emotion."
"I haven't, actually." I shrugged. "I've never really been in love, so I guess I'm just lucky I'm that good at interpreting songs."
"Then, yeah," she assented. "You really are lucky, because having your heart broken? It can fucking kill you."
Oh, if she only knew.
I wasn't lucky. I wasn't anything.
But, for the first time ever—never having given a shit about what people thought of me before—I really didn't want her to know about my truth. I didn't want her to judge me for my mistakes.
Suddenly opening the door, Jasper interrupted us. He looked at me and said, "Hey, Ed, you ready to go? I got our money."
I nodded, stubbing my cigarette with my shoe. "Yeah," I replied before looking over at the new girl. "See you later, kid."
"My name's Bella," she corrected. "And it was very nice to meet you."
I wish I could have said the same, but it wouldn't have been the truth. Meeting Bella had changed something in me, and in the world I lived in, change wasn't always good.
=oOo=
After meeting Bella that night, I couldn't sleep. Once I'd gotten my fix and the heroin I'd smoked had evaporated from my veins, I lay awake thinking about her. I wondered where she was and with whom, which brought upon the realization that I was already in too deep since imagining her with another man made me furious. It was glaringly obvious then that I was interested in her as something more than a fling, making me fear the repercussions which could arise if my feelings weren't reciprocated.
Then, I laughed.
There was no way in Hell I'd have a chance with someone like Bella.
From what little I'd seen of her, I could tell she was a good girl. Getting involved with Bella meant eventually hurting her, and I wasn't sure I wanted that. She seemed pure, untainted—unlike me. I would bring her nothing but problems, so there was no point in trapping Bella in the mayhem of my life.
I laughed again when I recognized I was getting way ahead of myself once more.
In my world, good things never happened, so why would they start now?
Fantasizing and thinking about Bella would do me no good, yet I couldn't help it, especially not after seeing her again the following night. We didn't say anything to each other besides cordial greetings, though, and when I'd finally gathered the courage to speak to her on Sunday, I learned it was her day off.
So, the days passed and my mundane existence followed through with routines I'd perfected over the years. Did I think of her? Fuck, yeah, I did. Bella had obviously taken residence in my mind, the thought of her sneaking up on me in the most random moments, yet it felt like Bella was ever-present. Although, what I never imagined was that she'd show up at Pike Place while I was busking.
Despite being Thursday, the day had been good for me. I'd barely sung one set of four songs, and I'd already made enough tips to afford lunch and possibly two dime bags. I wasn't one-hundred-percent sure, because I hadn't counted the change in my guitar case yet, but I'd been surviving on tips long enough to know it was most possibly accurate. Feeling excited about it, I began to sing Staind's "Outside," aware it would help me make even more money seeing as people loved the song.
I put all of my feeling into my performance, loving the way more people were gathering around me. I'd gotten used to being the focus of attention, yet there seemed to be someone in the audience who was particularly observing me since I could feel their lingering gaze. When I searched for that person in the crowd, I never expected it to be Bella.
She smirked as we locked gazes, causing me to slightly falter in my performance, yet I recovered quickly. As I strummed the last chords of "Outside" on my guitar, I quickly chose which song I'd sing next.
It was truly fitting in my situation.
I looked down and took a deep breath as I played the opening notes of Radiohead's "Creep." When I looked up again, I noticed Bella was still watching me intently, as if she knew I was singing that song for her, although it was crazy to think so.
How could she know how damaged I was? How I longed for a better life, a different situation where I was her equal? She could never imagine I was a homeless addict who sang for spare change to support my vice. She might wonder why I didn't have a normal job, but she'd never conceive such an atrocious idea of what I lived day to day.
I didn't dwell too much on that, though. Instead, I focused on the melody and lyrics of a song which almost resembled a prayer. Not that I was religious or anything like it, but if there were truly a deity who watched over us, I'd beg him or her to have mercy on me so Bella wouldn't run for the hills when she learned who I was.
Eventually, I shifted my gaze around the crowd, noticing how my song choice affected them in different ways. Some were simply enjoying it by watching and listening while a few would sing along, and then there was the occasional broken-hearted girl who would cry, feeling each lyric deep in her bones.
That's the power music has.
It can take you back to a specific moment, remind you of someone or a period in your life, and it can save your life. It doesn't matter what genre or time period it belongs in, music touches people's hearts in various forms. For me, it has always been my passion.
It's what's kept me alive all these years.
I could be without food and a roof above my head, but as long as I had my guitar with me, I had everything. It's something that's connected me to my past and kept me afloat in the present. There were some songs I couldn't play since they reminded me of my mother, and caused me to breakdown, but most others set me free from the prison my mind can be.
And so, as I sang about wanting a perfect soul, I bared my soiled one to Bella and everyone else present. It hurt to admit all my faults even if it was through a song, but at the same time, it somewhat liberated me to voice the new desires Bella had evoked in me.
When I finished playing, everyone clapped, causing me to smirk sheepishly as I usually did when someone praised me.
"Thank you," I said, as people started putting money in my guitar case.
Bella stepped forward then, grinning from ear to ear. "That was spectacular, man. You're crazy talented."
"Thanks," I muttered, looking down as I shifted my guitar. "I'm glad you liked the songs I played."
"Like them? I loved them."
I gazed up at her, nodding. "That's great."
"I'd seen you sing before at the pub, but this is something else," she gushed.
"Yeah?"
"Definitely." Bella nodded. "James said I had to see it firsthand when he told me about how he'd hired you."
"So you came all the way here just to see me sing?"
Bella chuckled. "And to buy some stuff at the Farmers Market for dinner. Leah, my roommate, wants me to make some eggplant Parmesan, so what better place to buy ingredients for it than here, right?"
"Right," I agreed, observing her closely and noticing how differently she looked in the day.
One of the things I was able to distinguish better were Bella's grey eyes, and I saw the speckled freckles she had beneath them for the very first time as well. The sunlight also gave her long, dark hair a reddish glow, which contrasted greatly with her pale skin, making her look even more beautiful if possible.
"Well, I should probably get going," Bella said, breaking me out of my thoughts. "I need to head home soon; otherwise, I'm not going to be able to finish cooking on time."
"Okay," I sighed, hating to see her go so soon. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow night, then."
Bella bit her lip, rocking on her heels. "Actually," she began, "I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out sometime? Maybe have some coffee together? Well, if you're not seeing anyone, that is."
I couldn't help the crooked smirk which formed on my face. I had Bella right where I wanted.
The question was what I was going to do about it?
The right thing would have been to tell her the truth—to tell her who I really was—to say I was really flattered but I wasn't emotionally available or some bullshit like that. Because I knew that by accepting her invitation, I was condemning us both. We'd end up broken when it was all said and done; when she realized the piece of shit that I truly was.
But I was a selfish bastard, and I wanted her all for myself, if only for a little while.
So, nodding, I said yes.
I was going to go Hell, anyways, right?
It was a fact, especially after I'd just detonated the time bomb which would eventually destroy our hearts.
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