Gray stared idly up to the sky. He could not see the stars from here; the trees were so tall that only a patch of the dark night was visible from where he was casually leaning against one of their huge roots that stuck out of the damp soil.
He flexed his hand and saw how the dark patterns rippled over his arm. On nights like these, he had to remind himself why he had come here in the first place.
He had always thought he loved solitude, had never had an issue with being alone. Until now that was. Maybe he had underestimated how much of a reassurance it had been to know that there always would be a place to return to. While he had ever craved silence, right now he missed the loudness of the guild, the continuous brawling.
He shut out the thoughts as they arose. He was here with a purpose, it was not as if he did not know that. Irritated at his own weakness he straightened his back and walked back into the church that served as their headquarters.
When he entered Briar greeted him with a warm smile, and he nodded at her before he retreated to his own room. His fellow Avatar members knew well enough that Gray was not to be disturbed when he was in a foul mood. It was another thing that irked him; there was no one here who would look behind his superficial words and actions. They simply accepted whatever crappy excuse he gave them and left him alone.
He supposed he should be grateful for their behavior. It made his mission somewhat easier. He knew they did not really care for him. He did not have to explain his acts, nor his motives. The shields that he skillfully had put in place so many years ago were still intact, the coldness that served to shut everyone and anyone out from what he really felt was more than sufficient to keep the cult members from prying.
So why did he feel so bad then?
Earlier today he had almost blown up his cover on purpose. Why did he feel so lonely that being understood was even worth the prospect of pain and torture? For that was surely what would follow if they found out about his pact with... red. It was the thought of her that had stopped him in the end. He had bit his tongue and escaped to the outside, trying to hide his confusion. He barely dared think of her real name, lest he slip and let anyone find out what was going on.
His thoughts dwelled back to the friend that had gotten him into this. He had left without a second thought when she had asked him to. Her at least he trusted.
But by doing so, he had left another friend alone and at that idea, he felt guilty. He knew that Juvia would take it badly. Still he could not deny that he had been relieved to leave her behind. It had been no easy feat to live with her in one house. Not that he had invited her, she had basically just crashed in, as she was wont to do. However, he had not had the heart to tell her to leave, not after she had followed him to his father's grave just a few weeks before. Her intentions were good and she did not deserve his rejection. And somehow it had felt wonderful to have someone around who would put a suiting hand on his back when he needed it, who did not get discouraged by his own cold demeanor.
He missed her.
Damn.
How could he even think that. He was certain that did not love her, not in the way she wanted him to love her at least. But still he missed the presence of another human being, someone who at least made an effort to understand him, someone who asked how he was and who did not give up because of his sharp retorts. Someone who pushed further until he was so fed up by her nagging that he gave her an honest answer, whatever that answer was, good or bad.
He had never minded solitude, but he hated this loneliness.
Alone in his room, he sank down on his bed. He would have to tell Red that he could not keep it up, that he needed to stop this. Four months already since he had joined Avatar. Four months of training with them, and however much he hated to admit it, four months of getting to know his enemies better than he had ever wanted. Briar. Mary. They too were humans, they too had moments of joy and grief. He knew that if he would not be careful, soon his craving to belong would become so strong that he would start making friends.
He hid his head in his hands. No. Never would he become that weak. His friends were elsewhere, it was to protect his friends that he had accepted this mission in the first place. He needed to think of them all, Natsu, Lucy, Lyon, Juvia.
Erza.
Above all he needed to remain strong for her. She would understand how he felt. She would know about these uncertainties and doubts. She knew him better than any other. He would not let her down.
He would not.