She was in a dark hole. Remorse gnawed at her insides relentlessly as pain swallowed her heart and soul. Sorrow overtook her mind, pulling her into the deep, dark hole of depression. Six years have passed with the constant and endless disturbed emotions that were sucking the life out of her.
Her mind was always full of questions, scenarios, and most often innumerable wishes of returning back to the past, giving her the chance to change everything, so she wouldn't feel worthless or helpless. But, she can't change anything. Fate was the only thing she really believed in and the only thing that brought her more pain.
The one true light in her being was her five-year-old daughter. Though the child was a reminder of her mistake, she didn't let that effect the emotions towards her kin. She absolutely loved her daughter. The ring on her finger created a pressure that made her strive to be the perfect wife and mother, she was done thinking about herself.
Marriage wasn't something she was holding onto though, it was hard being with the father of her child as it prompted the guilt to rise further within her. She often blamed him for her loss, but knew it was her sole decision that made the clogs of chosen fate begin to crank. He was just the option that she chose that day.
With the anniversary just a day away, Karma had an extremely hard time controlling her haunting nightmares that startled her from her slumber. With bags under her eyes, a yawn of exhaustion, and fatigue evilly wrapping around her muscles, she pushed her husband's arm off of her. She found it amusing how they fell asleep far way from each other, but he always ended up holding her in the night.
She sat on the edge of her bed, her alarm clock mockingly glared at her in red, 4:05 after midnight. She rose to her wary feet and shuffled into the hallway while running her fingers through her hair.
Her tracks stopped at the sight of her daughters bedroom door cracked open. She ran her fingers lightly over her daughter's name that was printed on the white door before peering in, checking on her child.
Karma moved slowly to the kitchen, it was so routine to her as she grabbed a glass of water and walked out to her porch, taking a seat in the wooden rocking chair that creaked under the weight. She curled her feet underneath herself and gazed out to the horizon, waiting patiently for the sun to rise.
Six years ago, Karma loved the silence. It was therapeutically relaxing for her to hear the emptiness in the world. But, now she has a desire to fixate on any sound around her, for the silence brought her uneasiness. Her mind wickedly takes advantage of the quiet, forcing her to think, to remember.
Her eyes shifted around and landed on a couple of birds in a tree, the chirping songs were something for her to focus on in an attempt to clear her mind.
"Karma." The unsuspecting voice frighten her, she looked over her shoulder. Her husband stood in the threshold of the glass door. As she examined his face, she could see that he wanted to talk about something that was bothering his mind.
"What are you doing up, Liam?" She questioned trying not to sound frustrated that he was invading her routine. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously and took a seat to the auburn's right.
"You're not happy." He started with downcast eyes. "I'm not happy. We've never been happy together, and I know it's because of her…" He trailed with a gulp, he was trending in dangerous waters for bring 'her' up in a conversation.
"What are you trying to say?" Karma asked calmly, she knew what he wanted, she was having déjà vu of this conversation. It was the same one from last year.
"You know what I'm trying to say. It would be better for both of us."
"It won't be better for Charlotte. We have to think about her too, not just ourselves."
"I know, but this is not healthy. She knows we aren't happy, she asked me why the other day." He sighed while sliding his fingers through his thick brunette hair. "We can't keep doing this to ourselves and her." He hesitated, a gaze of fear was set on Karma. "I'm going to move out today, Shane is going to come over to help me." With that he got up and left before Karma could reply to him.
The day she found out she was pregnant, Liam vowed that he would take care of her and the baby. He emptily promised that they would be a loving family. Since they were forced into marriage from both of their parents, they did the best to be a happy, picture-perfect family. Liam tried his hardest by surprising his wife with flowers once a week after work, taking her on expensive dates, even having his parents babysit while he took her on a romantic honeymoon six months after they've wed.
Karma made the effort to love Liam, to be the perfect wife that she was expected to be. For the first few years she forced herself into the toxic love and marriage, hoping that maybe one day she would wake up and her hurt would be gone, and be able to love him. However, she never woke up without her heart aching, so she stopped trying to love a man that produced guilt every time she looked his way.
She can't blame him for wanting to leave, behind closed doors, they fought constantly. Every fight ended with Karma reminding him that she chose him. She often pushed her regret onto him, blaming him for everything, when it isn't even his fault. It was just easier that way to get the burden off of her.
He would disappear and return in the early hours of the morning, smelling like an other woman and alcohol on his breath. He would plop down into the bed while mumbling incoherent words before drifting to sleep. Karma would lay as still as she could with thoughts filling her mind.
"Mommy." Startled again by a familiar voice from behind her, the redhead turned immediately, Charlotte was standing in the same spot that her father was when he came out.
"Come here, honey." Karma spoke softly while holding out her arms. The girl ran into the protective embrace of her mother, digging her face into her shoulder. "Why are you up so early?"
"You and daddy are up." She mumbled with a yawn following it. She smiled at her daughter and kissed her forehead lovingly.
"Do you want to watch the sunrise with me?"
She got a nod in return that was against her shoulder. Karma laid her cheek against the brunette; this was her light. She never held a smile without Charlotte around her. She was the only person that can make her laugh and grin now.
After Karma and Charlotte watched the sunset, she noticed Liam had left as she got her child ready for school, she made them breakfast then got ready for work.
She arrived at work ten minutes early as always, throwing out monotone greetings to her coworkers as she made her way to the back room of the restaurant. Her fingers wrapped around the latch to her locker and braced herself before she opened it.
Karma tortured herself everyday as she lined her locker door with pictures of her best friend that she would never see again. Her dainty finger traced the photos of the blonde with dark green eyes. A flash of happiness in her eyes as she remembered each and every memory that the pictures held.
Her watering eyes tore away as the pain began to bubble in her. She threw her purse into the locker and slammed the door shut. The waitress stalked her way back to the front, grabbing her apron as she did.
"Hey, Kar, how are you doing today?" It was the same question everyday from her friend, Lana. The redhead moved behind the bar and shrugged her shoulders while mumbling an empty 'fine.'
She was grateful for having Lana in her life, the girl with long, jet black hair was her rock. Lana showed up whenever she would have her intense breakdowns that often lasted for over twelve hours. Lana would sit with her the whole time, calling both of them out of work and did anything to get the auburn's mind off of the anguished accident that never left her alone.
"I know tomorrow is the day," Karma looked at her friend, seeing the pity in her eyes. "I got it off, if you need me. We can do something tonight or…" Karma attempted a smile. Lana sighed and glanced down to the glass that she was absentmindedly cleaning with a rag. "I'm just trying to say that I'm here."
"Thank you, Lana."
Lana searched her mind to changed the topic as she served a man that sat down on the barstool in front of her. "How are things with Liam?" She asked while she tore the ticket off of her pad and placed it in the window for the cooks.
"Um, he left."
"What?"
"He is moving out." Karma elaborated.
"Why, what about Charlotte?" Lana was in disbelief, sure she knew very little about their problems, but the thought of them separating never cross her mind. She just thought that they had the same issues as everyone else in a marriage. Karma and Liam are very talented at hiding their troubles.
Karma glanced at a few people that walked in and were seated in her area. "Can we talk about this later?"
"Of course. I will definitely come over tonight." Lana nodded her head before Karma grabbed her pad and pen, making her way over to her costumers.
The day dragged on for Karma, she blew out a breath of exhaustion when she made her way into the locker room to grab her purse. She pulled out her phone to see a few texts from Liam saying that he would pick up Charlotte from school and that he is all moved out.
Before Karma shut her locker door, she repeated the action from earlier that day and stared at the pictures in her locker. Her fingers tracing the same pattern, unconsciously.
"I'm sorry, Amy." She whispered with tears brimming her eyes. She gently closed the door and wiped away the tears.
"Kar, I'm going to pick up some food and I'll be over as soon as possible." Lana stated when they passed each other while Karma was walking out to leave.
Karma grabbed Lana's hand and turned around. "I'm so lucky to have you as a friend." Lana smiled and pulled the auburn into a hug.
Karma arrived home to a dreadful silence, she was so use to having her daughter greet her at the door with arms around her legs and a bright smile, but she wasn't there. After no response to the redhead calling her name, Karma sifted through her belongings for her phone. She urgently dialed Liam's number.
"Liam, where is Charlotte?" Karma asked anxiously as soon as she heard the ringing cut out. She relied on the expectation of her daughter's laughter and affection after work, so she could feel the corners of her mouth turn up in a joyful manner. So she can have that warmth flow through her and feel the happiness that fed her heart to keep her going.
"I have her, don't worry." Liam stated calmly with a chuckle at the end of his sentence. "I'm showing her my apartment." This angered Karma, she thought Liam would bring Charlotte straight home after school. "She actually wants to stay here tonight." He paused for a second. "If that is okay with you." Liam couldn't believe that he was asking permission to spend time with his daughter, but he knew the connection Karma shared with her, it was practically the same bond she had with Amy. Charlotte was Karma's everything.
"Of course." Karma heard herself say. "But, could you bring her by so I could see her, I'll pack her bag for the night."
"Sure thing, we will be over in a few." With that Liam hung up.
Karma took a seat on the couch, she mindlessly turned on the television, filling the house with sound. She buried her head into her hands and took a couple deep breathes.
"Tomorrow marks the sixth year anniversary of the tragic day our town lost thirty people in a deadly bus accident." Karma's head snapped up, she quickly grabbed the remote. "To commemorate the ones that were lost, but not forgotten, Hester High-" She turned off the T.V. as they started showing the pictures of the people.
It was too late, her memories took over, pulling her into the darkness. She shook her head, battling with her malicious mind to not drag her down the road of self-loathing. With shaking legs and clenched fist, she sprung from the couch and stormed into the kitchen.
The angel on her shoulder whispering in her ear that she can overcome this, while the devil in her mind persuaded her with delicious words of forgetting.
Karma reached into the cabinet, grabbing the neck of the bottle that was hidden behind the cereal box. With the pop of the cork, her senses were filled with the burning of alcohol. The edge of the bottle resting on her lips as her eyes glanced back up to her daughter's cereal. She closed her eyes and saw Amy, hearing the words the blonde would say if she was there.
'You don't want to do this. Take one more breath to clear your mind.'
Karma filled her lungs with air while she placed the bottle onto the counter. She gripped onto the granite, with white knuckles, she struggled against her mind. She didn't want to travel back down that path ever again. She needed to be there for her daughter.
"Again." The single word made her turn around in fear. Liam and Charlotte stood next to the kitchen island, her husband wore an angered expression while the five-year-old's held confusion. "Char, go get ready. I need to talk to mommy." Liam whispered as he got down to her level. The brunette nodded and ran off down the hall.
"I didn't take a drink." Karma mumbled, while shamefully bowing her head to the ground. Liam didn't say anything, but took three giant strides forward and grabbed the bottle from behind the redhead. He emptied the liquid into the sink.
"Karma, you need to start seeing your therapist again, if you were that close to losing control." Liam spoke calmly with a hint of disappointment in his voice.
After having Charlotte, Karma fell into an even more depression. Drinking to suppress the aching and guilt in her heart. Liam saw her at her worst, he cared so much about her that he dragged an involuntary Karma to a psychologist. He couldn't stand by and watch Karma beat herself up. It was heart-wrenching for him.
"I didn't take a drink, I'm fine."
"What if I didn't walk in, though? Charlotte doesn't need to see this." Liam began to raise his voice. He sighed when he saw his wife cringe and dropped her head, "I just…don't want you to slip. I still care about you, Karma." He murmured. He really did.
Karma lifted her head, suddenly a surge of irritation rippled through her. "You say you care about me, but you're moving out. That's real nice, Liam." She yelled and poked Liam in the chest hard enough to hurt her finger. "You never cared about me, you just cared for the fuck. I was another girl to add to your list. I should've never chose you that day, I should've been with her!" During her outpouring rant, Karma found herself pacing back and forth through the kitchen. She stopped and walk back to Liam. "I should be dead right now, just like she is." She whispered harshly. She looked down to her hands, she's never went that far.
Liam released a frustrated groan, "You need help." He moved towards Charlotte's room. "Char, you ready?" He called out.
Karma spun the wedding ring on her finger a couple times before sliding it off and held it out for Liam to take. Liam grabbed it before his daughter came running down the hall with her small suitcase dragging behind her.
Karma's heart stalled when she saw a few tears rolling down her child's cheeks as she hugged onto her father's legs. "Honey, come here. We weren't fighting." Karma lied for the five-year-old's sake. She bent down to her knees and expanded her arms, Charlotte ran directly into her arms.
After a few minutes of the redhead consoling her child and Liam standing there quietly with a wretched expression. Karma said her goodbyes to her now happy daughter as Liam escorted her out to his car.
Karma pulled out her phone and sent a text to Lana telling her not to come over and that she was just gonna go to bed since Liam has Charlotte. After reading the quick reply, telling the Karma to call tomorrow when she gets up, she slipped her phone back into her pocket.
With heavy breaths and beads of sweat racing down her forehead, Karma rushed into a sitting position gripping at her chest as her burning throat and lungs screamed for air. The name 'Amy' dying from her sleep induced lips as she gained her bearings. She dropped her head into her hands as she cursed her mind for playing tricks and making her dream seem like a vivid reality.
A constricted feeling on her fingers drew her attention. She moved her hand away and stared at the friendship necklace that was tightly, but comfortably, wrapped around her hand. She soon began to remember as her eyes danced around her bed, she was covered in old photos and tiny trinkets of her ebullient past. The auburn grabbed the shoebox, that was disposed at the side of her bed after dumping all the contents out last night, and shoved everything back in except for the cheap arcade, best friend necklace.
She added her half heart to the chain and clasped the necklace around her neck.
After a long shower that refreshed her aching muscles, Karma idled through her morning routine with a desolate heart. Without Charlotte, she felt completely empty, it made her realize how much she relied on her daughter to smile and feel pleasant emotions that only she could bring her. To escape the eccentrically distressing atmosphere, the auburn grabbed her purse and went straight to the place that oddly gave her solace on this particular day.
Hazel eyes followed fingers as they danced across the pearl white lettering that was deeply engraved into the black marble. Three months after the incident, the town placed a memorial bench with all the names of the victims at the scene of where the bus tragically plummeted off the cliff.
Karma avoided using the road for two years, she couldn't bring herself go to the location where her best friend took her last breath. When she did work up the courage to see the memorial, a sudden peaceful warmth surrounded her broken heart. It was like she could feel Amy there, standing right next to her, letting her know that she is okay.
While looking out at the breathtaking view of the town she and Amy grew up in, she began to talk. She started out with heart-full apologies while she caressed her newborn baby and tears filled up her eyes. She could hear Amy's angelic voice telling her that everything would be fine, causing her breakdown even more. For almost three hours, she sat in front of the bench and spoke about how hard things were without the blonde beside her.
In the present day, Karma found herself doing the same thing as she was knelt down in front of the marble bench. She closed her eyes while turning her head to the side, she reopened them and imagined Amy staring at her with a smile gracing her lips.
She began to talk.
"I miss you." Her broken voice croaked. Amy's radiant smile grew as her hand ghosted over the auburn's heart.
"I'm always right here."
"It's not the same."
"But, I'm here right now."
Karma dropped her head, "Amy, you're nothing but a fragment of my imagination now." She glanced up and the blonde was gone. She shakily sighed as the thought of leaving went through her mind.
"Karma?" Her head whipped around quickly to look to her left. The blonde stood, towering over the auburn with a bewildered gaze. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Liam?" she scoffed. Karma squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. When she looked back up, the blonde was still there asking questions. "What's wrong?" Amy stepped forward and reached out.
"Y-you're…not real!" Karma cried out as she stumbled to her feet and backed away from the familiar face while horror contorted her's.
"What are you talking about?" Amy inquired as she advanced towards her friend. Karma shut her eyes and violently shook her head again, begging for her mind to stop messing with her. "Karma, stop."
Then she felt it, cold fingers digging into her forearms, as real as ever.
Karma jerked her arms away, ceasing the physical connection, while screaming, "S-stay away from me!" She sprinted back to her car. She was beyond freaked out; she was confused, and afraid, and in shock. She looked into her rearview mirror, Amy still standing there while she sped away.
Karma didn't get far down the road before a dominant force hit her that urged her to turn the car around and go back. Her heart pulling her back to Amy, telling her that she can't abandon her on the side of the road.
When she pulled up to the spot where the blonde was, she didn't see her. She gripped the steering wheel as she questioned.
Was it her imagination?
But, the cold hands that were on her arms felt so real. She drove past the memorial and spotted the blonde walking down the street.
Without a second thought, Karma sped up and cruised the car next to Amy, she rolled down the window.
"Amy?" Karma stuttered, and the girl looked at her. The car and the blonde stopped at the same time. Karma could see the confusion and fear in the girl's eyes, she was sure that her's were holding the same expression. "Come on, get in." Karma found herself saying before her mind could process the words.
Thank you to all for reading! I already have most of this story completed, so if you want to read more, tell me but leaving a review!
I do not own Faking It.