The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is putting out fliers. Just some more madness from my tiny mind.
Word of Mouth
"All right everyone!" Mallory called out to the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Sit down and shut up! Apparently Cyril has something to say. So listen up and maybe we can get out of here sooner? Cyril…"
"Thank you Ms. Archer," Cyril gave her a look. "For giving me permission to have a meeting in my agency!"
"Granted," Mallory shrugged as she took a drink.
"Anyway," Cyril sighed. "Apparently our agency has been sent a fine for littering."
"Littering?" Archer laughed. "That's funny!"
"Archer!" Cyril snapped.
"Oh come on Cyril!" Archer waved. "After everything we've done over the years…"
"The murders and the treason," Ray added.
"The robberies and thefts," Lana added. "The drug cartel."
"The illegal genetic and cybernetic experiments," Pam looked at Krieger.
"The sexual assaults," Krieger looked at Pam.
"Don't forget the arson!" Cheryl spoke up.
"The cops nail us on a littering charge?" Archer snorted.
"A seven thousand dollar littering charge!" Cyril shouted.
"Seven thousand bucks for littering?" Archer was stunned. "How did we get a seven thousand…? And as soon as I asked the question…"
All over LA there were flyers for the Figgis Agency. Stapled to telephone poles. Pasted on walls. Put in mailboxes and under the windshield wiper for cars. Pink flyers flew in the wind through the streets of LA.
There were pink fliers on the famous Chinese Theater. Stuck on the LaBrea Tar Pits. Stuck on the outside of tour buses…
You get the drill.
"PAM!" Archer shouted.
"What?" Pam shouted back.
"You sent out more of those damn pink flyers didn't you?" Archer barked.
"Hey! Ms. Archer said we needed advertising!" Pam protested. "And it's worked pretty damn well so far!"
"Not this kind of advertising!" Archer shouted.
"You want the Figgis Agency to get noticed! I got it noticed!" Pam snapped.
"Not by the police!" Cyril shouted.
"Oh I'm sorry," Pam mocked. "Maybe I should have put up a billboard so some other Hollywood star could crash into?"
"Hey!" Cyril snapped.
"That was uncalled for!" Mallory bristled.
"Well what have you been doing to get the agency clients? Huh?" Pam shot back at Mallory. "And don't say calling your contacts because we all know that well ran dry a long time ago!"
"I hate to say this," Lana sighed. "But Pam does have a point."
"Yeah," Ray agreed. "Ms. Archer all your contacts are either dead or wish you were dead."
"Mostly the latter," Cheryl spoke up.
"I hate to say it but you're right," Mallory groaned. "I'm afraid not that many people in this town know me and the ones who do…Ugh…"
"What?" Archer asked.
"Let's just say back in the day I gave a few names to McCarthy and a few people remember that," Mallory groaned. "And trying to get into the social circle here in Los Angeles hasn't exactly been going well…"
"Yeah like not at all," Cheryl laughed. "Most of the people you call either hang up on you or just let it go to the answering machine. And don't call you back. Oh and that one lady who turned out to be a cousin of Trudy Beekman told you to go to hell."
"Have you been listening in on my private conversations?" Mallory shouted.
"Duh! I need something to do all day," Cheryl shrugged.
"We really should not let her anywhere near a phone," Ray remarked.
"We're just going to have to bite the bullet and get us some new contacts," Lana said.
"Well there's Lupe," Archer spoke up.
"And who else?" Lana gave him a look.
"Veronica Deane," Archer spoke up.
"Figures you'd mention her," Lana grumbled. "There's also Shapiro but…"
"But that's not enough," Mallory conceded. "So we need to get more clients!"
"That's why I sent out all those fliers!" Pam shouted. "Again! Only one around here doing anything about it."
"How about a commercial?" Lana asked.
"Too expensive," Cyril shook his head.
"Maybe we can put an ad in the paper?" Lana asked.
"Who's going to read it Lana?" Archer scoffed. "Parakeets before they use it as a toilet? Or maybe something for homeless people to read at night before they stuff it in their pants for extra warmth?"
"So we want digital advertisements," Krieger said. "And lucky for you, I anticipated this."
"Why do I not feel so lucky?" Ray groaned.
Krieger whipped out a laptop from behind and started to type it it. "Voila! Virtual free advertising! I just switched a few codes around and replaced a few regular old car ads no one is going to miss with our agency's ad."
"But not paying for an ad…" Lana asked. "Isn't that technically illegal?"
"Technically half the things on the internet are illegal," Krieger waved.
"Wait how is this possible?" Cyril asked.
"Remember that pirate virus that was downloaded to our old spy agency a while back?" Krieger asked. "All I did was substitute a code here and a…"
Just then the screen of the computer changed. To a green screen with a dancing pirate. "Hunch! Hunch!" The pirate sang.
"Hunch! Hunch!" Pam mimicked.
"Pam! Not this again!" Mallory shouted.
"That should not happen," Krieger gulped as he pressed some buttons. "Uh oh…"
"Krieger…" Archer growled. "What did you do?"
"I think I may have sort of accidentally infected the entire internet with a virus," Krieger winced. "Yeah definitely infected it with a virus."
"And there it is," Ray groaned.
"KRIEGER YOU IDIOT!" Mallory shouted.
"Don't worry! I can fix it!" Krieger gulped.
"You'd better fix it!" Mallory shouted. "The last thing we need is another visit from Homeland Security!"
"I've got this!" Krieger got up and ran out of the room. "MITSUKO! HELP!"
"Oh what you do now, Krieger-san?" Mitsuko could be heard.
"Now is not the time of judgement woman!" Krieger yelled. "I need your help here!"
"Oh now you need my help!" Mitsuko snapped. "Mister Big Strong Scientist Who Doesn't Need Anyone's Help!"
"For God's sake woman!" Krieger protested.
"Let me guess, you screw up your programming again didn't you?" Mitsuko sneered.
"I don't need a lecture from you!" Krieger snapped.
"This I have to watch!" Archer snickered as he went to see what happened.
"Why not?" Ray followed him.
"Wait for me!" Cheryl went out. "I wanna see Krieger be emasculated by a hologram too!"
"You know technically those pink filers cost the same as that billboard we had," Cyril said to Mallory. "Only they were more effective."
"THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME!" Mitsuko shouted.
"KEEP IT UP MITSUKO!" Krieger shouted. "OR ELSE I'LL DELETE YOU!"
"Then who you going to get to save your ass?" Mitsuko challenged.
"Pam…." Mallory sighed. "Fire up the copier…"