A/N: Written over the course of a week and edited while drugged up on migrane medicine. This is basically just a futile attempt to overcome a heinous case of writer's block, which didn't go over too well. And just to let you know, this is....angstier then my usual stuff. So no flaming me .
Oh- right: Any references to oysters were totally made up, so please don't review with "you dont know your bio!!111!One!" Obviously I don't, science is my worst subject and I've only been in bio for a week. Same with references to the the scene where Kagome discusses Inuyasha's happiness or Naraku sucking out Kikyo's soul. No, I haven't spoiled the ending for you, I'm making this up. That's why its fan-fiction.
And before I get accused of plageurizing, this isn't in any way related to Maiden of the Moon or her famous story - Fragment of Eternity
So without further ado...
Shards of Eternity
She approached the vicinity hesitantly, as if subconsciously aware of the heartbreak lying dormant inside her, just waiting for the opportunity to make itself known to the more logical side of her – though currently she was reacting only on instinct, giving in to the desires of curiosity and encouraging what she inwardly knew wasn't going to prove a pleasant scenario, pursuing the carefully disheveled pathway before her, the monstrous embassies of the scenery barely distinguishable through the hazy evening atmosphere, tangible wisps of darkened cloud encircling her in their wrath and coaxing a muffled cough which shook her figure from the core, scattered goose bumps barely visible against the soft layers of skin, though whether resulting from the evident breeze or impending anxiety she wasn't sure. The cloud continued to impair her rapidly decreasing senses, demoting her vision to a state of severe blurriness, the only discernible option being to dutifully trail behind that which gripped her heart with something far more powerful – almost forcing her to cease her endeavors and morosely trail toward the brush she'd recently emerged from, boiling water for Sango and Miroku and ensuring Shippo's predicaments never outshone his habitual capabilities.
Fear.
The iridescent souls skimmed past her, and she shivered involuntarily at their presence, as they seemed to send tangible vibes of despair crashing through her growing dread, fear gnawing at her insides until it gradually overcame her entirely. Barely audible mutterings could be heard echoing throughout the distance and caressing the delicate balance of her own hearing, and her pace quickened considerably as the realization hit her – she truly had no influence in the upcoming ordeal, and if she remained stationary she could suffer repercussions far worse that apprehensiveness and slight paranoia.
Heartbreak. And the ever present nag resisting her efforts only managed to remind her of that – repeatedly.
She shook off the uneasy feeling, willing herself to believe that it was only a temporary visit, possibly to deliver farewell sentiments, though she'd learnt that optimism was never a sensible option, especially considering the circumstances involved. The voices grew more intense, and she could almost clearly distinguish male from female as she advanced, her footsteps drawing to a halt behind a narrow oak, barely concealing her figure from any surrounding soul skimmers, their duo of predators forming intricate patterns around the two splitting the spotlight, trapped in what appeared to be a heated embrace and she felt her balance give way beneath her as she struggled to reign control over her scattered emotions, all clamoring for the same comforting presence, coincidentally the same presence causing their turmoil.
Oh Inuyasha...
His arms tightened around her slight frame, eliciting the obligatory strangled gasp from the depths of her throat, her heart clenching in suppressed agony as the scene before her grew increasingly drenched with the tension of bitter romance. Her nails created rough incisions within the bark, trailing along the charcoal surface in an attempt to soothe her raging nerves, a feat far from feasible by this point as her knees knocked clumsily together, swirls of dust forming clouds from the impact, and her eyes widened in an evident mixture of horror and anguished sorrow, her ebony hair teasingly flicking the nearly indistinguishable freckles embellishing her glossy cheeks, now permanently stained with impending tears, whether tangible or eternally silent as a war raged within her mind, convincing her to awaken herself from this unsolicited nightmare. But her eyes remained open, as if an unseen force was the perpetrator of such a vile scheme, thumbs of loathing pushing her eyelids skyward, subsequently forcing doey chocolate eyes, once so full of empathetic trust, to view for herself the true horrors the world had concealed from her for so long.
His gruff voice cut through the breeze like a knife caked in crimson, a twinge of soft regret underlying his tone. "I'm ready....," he began determinedly, preparing himself for the upcoming ordeal and attempting to shake off the sensation that something was amiss, though his aching heart, thirsting for her presence even as the seemingly apathetic woman before him shuffled her feet impatiently, knew exactly what caused this woolen blanket of uncertainty to tumble upon him, acting as an insufferable nuisance as it refused to leave his presence, eternally draped over sagging shoulders.
"Kikyo, I'm ready," he barely muddled through what he knew to be one of his final sentiments, presumably the last the tranquil solitude of his forest, which had provided him with the majority of his current luxuries and even converted to a sanctuary of sorts when required, would ever absorb of him, and he silently thanked his (begrudgingly) beloved homeland, hoping undying gratitude would be enough to repent for his impending actions.
"I'm ready to embark with you," he swallowed apprehensively, a droplet of sweat breaking out on his throat, and he swore inwardly in an attempt to convince himself of his own proclamations, which Kikyo appeared skeptical of. "I want nothing more then to depart with you on our final journey," he cursed the deities as the blanket only wove itself tighter around his aura, suffocating his presence in a way which even he couldn't begin to relegate, though Inuyasha's descriptions were far from poetic on the best of days.
Kikyo's charcoal ponytail veered left as another chilled breeze struck the two, her scarlet hair tie fluttering in the slight wind as she advanced toward him, a dubious gaze flickering through piercing coffee orbs as her lips curved upward in a perceptive smirk, correctly identifying the emotions coursing in bursts through the hanyou's bewilderment. She placed delicate hands upon his shoulders and caught his gaze with her own, almonds of content awareness searching through his own anxiety, though he at least put up the effort of a hap-hazard attempt to keep up appearances with his former love.
His eyes widened in sudden realization as the implications of his previous thought settled upon him after a brief pause. Former love? No! I love Kikyo now and forever, I promised her eternity for a reason, damnit, we were destined to be. Kagome...Kagome will have to understand, as much as this might pain her. Hopefully she'll bear no grudge against my memory, though I don't expect her to forgive me entirely. I'd never ask that of her. A tear threatened to scale his left cheek and he blinked it back involuntarily, it'd become nearly habitual by now to prevent prying eyes, even those whose wielder was close to him, from viewing any side of him that may have even been considered as sensitive, and Kikyo was no exception to this self-proclaimed law.
But Kagome...Kagome has seen me cry. And she never thought less of me, but I can't be concerned with that right now. He shook himself from his reverie, transfixed was he upon the fantasies he'd constantly overlooked in all but impulsive moments, and even then he'd restricted himself considerably. His eyes fluttered shut mournfully for a moment as Kikyo wrapped herself in his embrace, her eyes docile in what could've been perceived as sympathy, though Kikyo knew better then to allow Inuyasha to see such an expression adorning her cheeks as she peeked through the trees, her gaze fixating upon a poorly concealed figure whose sudden jerks ruffled the brush a bit more then the customary amount, even amongst the wildest of biting winds as they sliced through the air as if it were creamy and easily manipulated as butter. Kikyo's eyes softened for a moment as they locked upon the quivering figure, whose heart almost appeared to be shattering into microscopic pieces, and she couldn't fault such a harmless entity for her actions, especially seeing as her pure aura had occasionally provided an advantage for the former priestess.
It is of utmost vitality to your survival, Kagome, that this lesson be entirely learnt, and hopefully my departure will educate you regarding such matters. Life is naught more but a game of cat and mouse, a prequel to the inconceivable horrors one will stumble upon in death. During life, one must prepare themselves flawlessly and remain cautious of all competitors – no matter what the relation. Trust, devotion – it's all a myth derived from the romantic whims of countless love-stricken fools who refuse to see the reality in their present situation – distrust and constant suspicion are perceived as negative, but they'll protect you, harbor you from betrayal. Ultimately, blind faith will lead to your downfall, Kagome. Best you learn that now.
From behind the evergreens swaying in the wind, which may have appeared comforting to the couple engaged in a heated embrace in the center of the clearing, felt only solitary and isolated to the meek figure whose grip upon the bark tightened at the hushed tranquility passing in tangible vibrations between the duo, and silent tears embellished her cheeks, her mind numbing in disbelief and tortured anguish, one resounding thought fluttering throughout her scattered notions and perceptions, one she couldn't dismiss no matter what the eventual consequences.
No.....Inuyasha....You can't. After everything we've accomplished – what about what you told me? You said you'd say by my side forever, Inuyasha, what am I supposed to do now?
Her inner sentiments of vulnerability only intensified as she saw Inuyasha's gaze flicker in her direction, as if aware of her presence but choosing to overlook it, though she understood exactly why. It wasn't as if his inner sentiments regarding her weren't apparent, and she knew finally reaching his decision was probably the cause of the majority of his anxiety, seeing as this endeavor would preferably be completed with no regrets, especially considering his current route.
After all, you can't exactly turn back from accompanying your dead lover into hell.
You can't be angry at him, her small but existent analytical side interfering once again with her reservations. He's been hinting at this for ages – it's my fault I didn't see it. But still, Inuyasha, how COULD you? You said you'd stay with me, you said you'd wanted me by your side. Have I been wrong all along? Is it possible that you've only been leading me on? Am I really a replacement of your past love? Inuyasha, prove me wrong, please! I'm begging you, come over here and resolve this... Inuyasha no! She shrank back, her foremost foot kneading the sand beneath her subconsciously, and she continued to observe from afar as the ebony haired beauty released Inuyasha from her embrace, tracing a delicate finger across the lines of his cheek, which only furthered Kagome's suffering.
Why did I even believe I had a chance? Just look at her – she's the epitome of superiority. She's regal and yet somehow inviting, patient and considerate while still retaining her modesty. She's larger then life - It's no wonder citizens of the village consider to pay respects to her grave – even now after the majority of those alive during her era have passed. She's everything they've made her out to be – modest, flawless, elegant, intellectual, and, she paused, refusing to admit the sentiment she believed to be true, perfect. Even I can see the difference between a frivolous little schoolgirl and the century's most esteemed princess. No wonder Inuyasha doesn't want to be with me – I can't compete. He....he still loves her. I'd never take that from him.
If you wanna leave
I won't beg you to say
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
Kikyo smiled remorsefully toward Inuyasha, sympathy for the duo evident in her eyes, though Inuyasha was too preoccupied to notice, his thoughts frequently drifting in the direction of the schoolgirl currently clinging to the charred bark only footsteps away, though for him it was the equivalent of eternity. He tentatively smiled at Kikyo, trying to keep stray thoughts of Kagome from invading his mind, but memories would no longer remain dormant, not when so much was at stake in the situation. He recalled their first encounter, when he'd mistaken her for Kikyo and nearly murdered her, and the instant aversion he'd taken to her because of her evident resemblance to the deceased miko, preferring to distance himself from anything with the capability of triggering his dormant memories, forcing him to dwell upon the past instead of focusing on his aspirations of the future - ultimately to reach his initial goal of full demon heritage.
Luckily, Kagome was anything but similar to Kikyo; even in appearance they were no longer practically identical, now their similarities, in his perception, were merely casual and barely discernible without knowing both girls personally. But regarding the girls' personalities Inuyasha began contemplating how he could've ever mistaken Kagome for Kikyo, the two girls came off as entirely opposite in their initial encounter with him even. Kikyo, as always, dangerously solemn, with a tinge of remorse in her chocolate depths that Inuyasha couldn't help but identify with, and Kagome brash, cunning, and captivating, gentle stirrings in her doey orbs he lacked the capability to ignore entirely. Both girls unique in their own respective ways, both bound to him in some sense, either as a remnant of the past or an ally of the future, and while his course of action should've been apparent, his conflicting emotions left him entirely indecisive, and Kikyo's incessant touching wasn't exactly what you'd consider reassuring.
"But why didn't you kill me?" he stuttered after a momentary pause, tension running in tangible vibrations between the two, each building upon the last to create a battlefield even the most roguish of thieves wouldn't dare cross. "You had ample opportunity!"
She chuckled bitterly, her next words caked in apathy though he was sure he could sense a tinge of sorrow in her tone. "Because you lack an aura of true malevolence. You are half human, after all, and I couldn't in good conscience kill you for a solitary mistake," she turned away, squaring her shoulders menacingly. "But be warned, hanyou, I won't be so forgiving next time," her tone was clipped as she stalked away, leaving a gaping hanyou in her wake as she continued on, a thought occurring to her halfway across the plain and she glanced over her shoulder in sudden realization, uninhibited melancholy swirls evident in her gaze as she forced out a bitter chuckle. "You and I are more alike then you realize..."
Kikyo....
Her ebony hair swished in a gentle breeze, a physical entity of her soothing aura as she stood to face him, eyes darting anxiously in various directions before focusing on his own, a gentle smile gracing her cheeks as she advanced toward him cautiously.
"Here," she handed him a remedy concocted by Kaede only moments beforehand, "Kaede said this would help with your wounds," she grimaced at his callous expression. "Are you all right?"
"I'm FINE," he snarled bitterly, indicating the end of their conversation, though she continued to serve as a nuisance, just calmly settling down beside him, anxiously glancing at him periodically before turning to face him, her hands delicately folding on her knees.
"No you're not," she said decisively, pity apparent in her eyes as she assessed him and he shrunk involuntarily under her gaze. He could see the wheels turning in her head already; she must be sympathizing with him for his slaughter of the bandits earlier. She could be so infuriating at times, couldn't she see that he was a vicious monster and it'd be in her best interest to follow the footsteps of her predecessors and depart from his company while he was still docile?
"Look," he began slowly, a grimace embellishing his cheeks, "I don't give a damn about what I did, you hear?" his voice heightened to a vicious roar and he glared warily at Kagome when her reaction was delayed, her eyes flickering about as she burrowed into the ground, peering up at him sympathetically.
"Don't kid yourself," she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, folding him in her protective embrace and while his initial impression was to wrench out of her grasp, he found her presence quite comforting and allowed himself to relax for a minute in the arms of this foreign girl, confident in the knowledge that while she'd eventually leave him, of this he was nearly certain, but convinced that for the moment it didn't matter, so long as she remained protected.
Kagome...
Damn karma. Why the hell do I always get stuck in these shitty situations? Then again, I should probably be thankful. Before I was solitarily isolated, now I have to choose between two people who care about me equally. Either way, some deity is majorly pissed at me. I bet my incarnation was filthy bastard, maybe he offended a deity or something. Damn incarnation.
But how am I supposed to choose, anyway? Kagome always told me to follow my heart, but right now my heart is torn in two different directions. Which half am I supposed to follow?
Kikyo...I can't let myself abandon Kikyo. After everything I've put her through, it wouldn't be right for me to desert her now, especially since it's partly my fault she died in the first place. Yes, I'll accompany Kikyo to hell. Who knows, maybe our relationship will evolve into what it always had the potential to be...
But then...
I just can't bring myself to abandon Kagome, not after everything we've been through together. It makes sense that I should depart with Kikyo, since Kagome has a life of her own to return to, a family who loves her and friends who cherish her, but I can't bring myself to commit this treason against her. It'd be like betraying Kikyo all over again...I was too cowardly to even say good-bye. It's fruitless anyway, she's somewhere around here. Her scent is still fresh.
Kikyo is the moon, she understood me in a way nobody else does, even Kagome occasionally. She was ostracized throughout her life too, and I could relate to her through our bond of shared loneliness. We were both halves of a ...what are those things Kagome sometimes drags along for Shippo... cookie. But it didn't matter that we were only half, because together we formed a whole cookie.
Then Naraku ambled along, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.
And Kagome...Kagome is the sun. She and I shouldn't have surpassed the position of "casual allies", since she can't relate to me at all. She's the epitome of normal, at least within her own era, and she's naïve of the countless horrors Kikyo and I have witnessed. But ...that's almost what makes her so enthralling, actually. She isn't mournful and depressive, she's sparkling, vivacious, and energetic, everything I'd been before I grew accustomed to the prejudices surrounding me. Whenever I'm with her, I feel so peaceful, and the calamities of my past seem almost ancient, completely overlooked. She sees past the surface without identifying with me at all, something Kikyo probably wouldn't have been able to achieve.
I can't abandon Kikyo....
But I think I'm in love with Kagome..
Oh fuck.
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out the door
See if I care
Go on and go, but
Kikyo gazed intently at Inuyasha's wandering amber, glimpsing into their depths in a futile attempt to successfully track his train of thought, which seemed to be flickering at such an immense pace that even the legendary Kikyo, who'd cornered the market of conflicting emotions, couldn't decipher him entirely.
Then again, it isn't as if he's exactly difficult to comprehend entirely, what ever he's pondering is liable to pertain to that insolent little girl. He proves foolish once again, hasn't he realized that she doesn't belong in this world any more then I do? If he's confident in the fact that she'll linger past her destined departure, he is sorely mistaken. Am I the only one who possesses any common sense anymore?
It seemed almost surreal, the passage of time, as it seemed to gradually draw to a halt, a revelation the three separate entities hadn't overlooked, in fact they'd all felt the strain in one way or another, though all effected differently depending on their situation, and rightly so. Inuyasha's muddled confusion ran in puddles through his hastily laboring conscience, indecision settling gently over his shoulders and nestling deeper with every passing second. Kagome simply felt nauseous, the wounds of betrayal only beginning to inflict themselves upon her trampled heart, primarily because her initial shock at discovering the scenario hadn't yet begun to disintegrate, and yet still clinging to the arbitrary hope of rescue, her savior being a permanently enlightened Inuyasha, and her nails dug deeper into the bark, creating what she'd have diagnosed as a lasting incision, providing she'd been concerned with that factor at the moment.
Kikyo was the only member of this sullen party who seemed even moderately upbeat, or as upbeat as it was feasible for Kikyo to be. She seemed almost content to leisure about patiently, in no particular hurry for Inuyasha to cease his internal debate, for she knew without doubt that she'd emerge as the victor. After all, she knew the more intricate details of how Inuyasha operated even more so then Kagome, and that was certainly a feat in itself.
If Inuyasha does not wish to accompany me, I will in no way force him against his will, or resort to trickery. I know now that Inuyasha, while partly responsible, was not the instigator for my death, and therefore I will not succumb to petty desires in order to further indulge Naraku. I have not yet become that repulsive.
So why request Inuyasha's presence if his imminent death is no longer an obstacle yet to be completed? I assure you, it isn't for the reasons so many of you have imposed regarding me, which I'm understandably appalled over. Do you all have such precious little faith in me?
Kagome isn't an enemy of mine, no matter what our initial impressions of one another may have led you to believe. She's a decent person, and I wouldn't wish any harm upon her, presumably because she is linked to me as my reincarnation, but also because not only has she aided me multiple times without persuasion, and I can already tell that she's a truly pure individual, a crimson rose lingering amongst common daffodils tinged with the seeds of corruption. But all roses possess thorns to remind themselves of their greatest tragedies, the memories they'd rather relinquish their status then relive. A thorn shall soon pierce Kagome's side, and while I feel something akin to a form of sympathy, it can't be prevented.
Inuyasha's fate has been intertwined with mine, and we are destined to embark upon this journey together, regardless of the consequences. I used to believe fully that progressing past such a foolish notion would be in the majority's best interest, and perhaps it would, but I am not one to blatantly ignore destiny, especially when it hands itself to me on a silver platter. It isn't as if I still love Inuyasha, quite the contrary, I'm almost an advocate of his relationship with Kagome, if it weren't for the eventual repercussions.
The current situation being the most prominent, of course.
I could prevent this particular situation from cropping up, sure, but what about future disturbances? Do you expect me to believe that Inuyasha and Kagome are fully capable of handling any tragedy or misfortune that hurls itself in their direction, particularly ones linked to either me or Naraku? Of course not, I've sheltered them countless times without their knowledge, primarily because they're of little value to me dead, but also because I honestly wouldn't desire to see them harmed. In folktales retelling ancient romances, relayed from generation to generation, a man and woman fall instantly under one another's spell, eternally keeping one another from harm's way and eventually overcoming all obstacles that stand in their path without too much diversion or difficulty.
Bull.
Preconceived notions akin to that are especially foolish, no relationship is quite so simple and many are doomed to mediocre existence because of it, or in my case infinite destruction simply for "loving" another.
My conclusion is simply this: Love is nothing but a non-existent daydream conjured by whimsical minds influenced by fictional tales. Duty, however, is as apparent as the passage of time and eventually takes the place of "unrequited love" in a relationship.
Inuyasha taught me that.
Now it is my turn to teach Kagome.
Kagome's ebony hair danced throughout the regions of her increasingly pale face shamelessly, oblivious to the tension flickering throughout the situation. Her mind raced, wheels intent on conjuring logical explanations to explain the hovering hesitation coursing throughout both figures before her, attempting to gaze deeply at one another, a finale of gratitude and true love, though their attempts were futile as their minds continuously appeared to drift off in opposite directions, heart-wrenching gazes dulling and flickering about the trees as tears steadily mounted Kagome's dampened cheeks, further encouraging her misery as she shook with silent sobs, tension replensihing with every glance upward.
I can't bear this...
They're just standing there, her grip on the bark lessened as she fought to analyze their vague body language, Who exactly are they play-acting for, anyway? It's not like they're aware of me, or at least Kikyo isn't. Inuyasha's probably detected my scent by now, but Kikyo lacks the ability to sense auras, doesn't she? She sighed bitterly at the thought and her heart let out a rueful chuckle at the indication.
She probably can. After all, she somehow manages to do everything else. Why don't they do something? Are they trying to prolong my misery or something? Come on Inuyasha, you know you desire her. Just mosey on down to Hell and spend the rest of eternity in the arms of your beloved miko. Just forget little ol' me ever existed.
I hope you rot.
Oh, who am I trying to kid? Obviously I'm disappointed in the path he's chosen to take, but it's his decision after all. Who am I to influence their romance, anyway? I've taken the wrong perspective throughout this journey, haven't I? I always imagined it as a play of sorts, Kikyo playing the role of the tragic lost love, obviously, and Inuyasha the confused little boy, prejudiced throughout his life and inflicted by various tragedies, but with a good heart that just needed guidance. Naraku...he'd be the obvious antagonist, threatening both the livelihoods and promising futures of the various other characters. Sesshomaru, the seemingly indifferent sibling fighting over daddy's legacy in a spat abundant with petty and constantly losing to the underdog of the situation. Miroku, the comic relief with skeletons in his own closet, though he'd steadfastly refuse to admit to them. And Sango, with her everlasting sorrow eventually brought out of despair with the aide of Miroku's nurturing tendencies. Even Shippo doubles with Kirara as the obligatory cute...thing.
Me....what would I be? I guess I was always a little fanciful with my own role, preferring to perceive myself as the innocent heroine with pure intentions transported into an unfamiliar environment, vowing to remain naïve to the frequent misfortune occurring with every step, but unknowingly bonding myself to one who'd experienced enough tragedy and heartbreak to equalize my lack of knowledge on the subject.
But if that was really the scenario, Naraku would be vanquished, an aspect of the story which eventually proved accurate, Sesshomaru would relinquish his claim on the Tetsusaiga, another prediction that came true, Miroku and Sango would eventually find happiness and solidity in their relationship, which they have, Shippo would be adopted by a loving family, preferably us, which, for all intense purposes, has happened, Kikyo would find peace unaccompanied, and Inuyasha would be unburdened by the guilt that'd plagued him for so lengthy a period and feel compelled to admit his undying love for me, which I'd indubitably return, and we'd settle down alongside Sango and Miroku for our happily-ever-after.
But I'd traced the storyline all wrong, particularly the triangle between Inuyasha, Kikyo, and I. I was never the heroine, merely the sidekick expected to dutifully trail Inuyasha in his quest for justice, eventually melding into the shadows when the time came for Inuyasha's relationship to progress with the true heroine of our tale.
Kikyo.
I'm nothing more then a meddlesome teenager to him, a catalyst in his relationship with Kikyo as would probably be stated frequently by our fan base. He probably just views me as a necessary annoyance, for without me his search for the shards would be rendered void. Now that our journey's finally drawn to a close, he's free to choose whomever he'd like, the inexperienced miko who'd unintentionally fallen for him but refused to confess her sentiments, or the esteemed priestess who'd provided him with months of content bliss, momentarily unaware of the horrors soon to commence? One who'd tragically lost her life at the hands of a daunting adversary, though he'd believed himself to have lent a hand in her demise? Really, if this particular fairy tale existed and a duplicate situation had cropped up involving me, which path would I have followed?
But...I can't help it! An inward part of her that had remained dormant for the majority of this reflection fervently protested. It's not as if this were intentional, it's not like I woke up one morning and decided "Gee, I think I'll go fall down a well 500 years and fall in love with a half demon with lingering ties to my dead incarnation". If I were truly as selfless as I've made myself out to be, why can't I continue the tradition and relinquish him to Kikyo without question, indulging myself with a platonic good-bye sentiment, blubbering a bit, and eventually continuing my life back in the present?
Because I've been shielding myself from my true feelings all along, love doesn't even begin to convey what he is to me...
Because this isn't a bedtime story and I'm not a character with my entire existence a path of clichés waiting to be dutifully followed...
Because I love him.
And love doesn't work that way...
I can't just sit back and suppress my feelings until the cycle completes itself, not this time. But I can't destroy Inuyasha's blissful expression, I'm probably the last person he wants lurking about right now. Maybe I should just go back to the well....
I'm reminded of last week when Inuyasha finally pulled that wrench out of his ass and let me go home for exams, only to find out they'd been postponed so I was in for a fun-filled ordinary day of schooling. Biology...we were studying oysters...creatures with virtually indestructible shells that, once penetrated, will reveal a pearl, untainted by the calamities humanity often encompasses, and sought after by millions for its ignorance.
I thought that description fit Inuyasha to a T, but then I reflected on it a second time and realized that...it fit me as well. Maybe even Kikyo. Because we all possess those shells, no matter how battered or worn, though maybe those wielded by the blissfully ignorant remain unscathed - as mine had before I made my first appearance in the feudal era.
And I don't want to lose my pearl entirely, no matter how selfish it sounds.
At first I thought the pearl symbolized a person's soul, but now I know better.
It symbolizes their heart, each shard combining to form an intricate puzzle unique to every jewel.
He isn't going to reconsider...his decision was made for him long before my presence...
Inuyasha...
I think...my own jewel is shattering...
Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know
Kikyo seemed to snap out of her wistful reveries parallel to Kagome, unreadable emotions swirling once more in her coffee orbs, though Kagome could've sworn she detected something akin to...regret, was it? Her crimson hair tie ruffled in the breeze, and she smirked as she advanced upon Inuyasha, halting a few feet away from where he stood attentively, pseudo bliss gracing his features.
"Are you prepared, Inuyasha?" a hint of doubt portrayed through her commanding voice as she awaited his response. "If so, I will commence our departure," she chose to interpret his lack of response correctly and continued. "Which is it, Inuyasha? You knew you would have to choose eventually. I have provided you with ample time to mull this over, Inuyasha, now decide. Would you choose to remain in the sanctuary you've unwillingly forged for yourself, or embark with me and allow a new one to rise from the ashes of regret? Don't dawdle, Inuyasha, I haven't an eternity".
I wouldn't place any money on that....
Inuyasha just couldn't comprehend the change in Kikyo's demeanor, recently it'd seemed like she was inclined to relinquish her claim on her, leaving him available for Kagome and lessening his emotional burden considerably. Why had she suddenly changed perspective?
Of course, Inuyasha recalled the situation with an involuntary grimace. When Naraku poisoned Kikyo just before Kagome finally released all that generated power, he released the remnants of Kagome's soul that lingered within her, erasing any of Kikyo's former livelihood.
She truly is the walking dead now...
She wants me to decide, oh shit, her fingers are glowing pink. That's never a good sign, but she'd never unleash her power on me. Well, I think she wouldn't anyway...there's always the factor of being utterly soulless coming into play, but every dog has his day and all that....
Kikyo's words broke into his reflections as if she herself had transformed into the mighty Tetsusaiga, and he nodded mechanically before returning to his internal musings, focusing his piercing gaze toward her to convey proper devotion and deceive her into allowing him a greater amount of time to come to his decision.
I must go with Kikyo. It's the only option. After all, as much as it'd torture Kagome, it would be wrong to disregard my duty like this. Kikyo invested her heart in me, knowing the repercussions, and was killed because of it. She hadn't trusted me, if she'd had any faith then she would've suspected something was amiss, but I'd kept myself so immersed in my defensive barriers that she hadn't gotten enough opportunity to familiarize herself with the real me, the way Kagome has, allowed me to open up to her. If anything, her death was majorly my fault for constantly closing myself off to her.
Now I must repent for these sins.
But that only causes more distress for Kagome, who's a living, breathing entity with her soul still intact, the same soul that once resided in Kikyo's body. I know Kagome isn't Kikyo, and remaining alongside her will in no way compensate for my hand in Kikyo's death, but somehow it feels more legit then allowing this calloused version of Kikyo to blindly lead me to an untimely death, ensuring Kagome's eternal misery.
Besides, when have I brought my own wishes into any of this shit? I remember once when I was trying to confide in Kagome, she'd been hesitant once she'd discovered the subject circulated around Kikyo, but gradually she'd relaxed and our conversation had benefited my confusion immensely. She seemed to understand my indecision completely, torn between my duty and my own desires, though thankfully she hadn't felt compelled to identify those, and she'd said something that'd had me pondering ever since.
"But Inuyasha," she'd seemed hesitant, as if the future of our world relied on my answer, "You keep prattling on about your duty to Kikyo and your reluctance and all that, and I understand completely where you're coming from, but," she paused, drawing in a ragged breath before continuing, "What about your own happiness?"
What about my own happiness? Why do I keep referring to "duty" and "obligation" as my reasons for wanting to accompany Kikyo? If I truly don't desire her presence, then I'm obviously going to provide shitty company, so what's the point departing with her if all it's going to succeed in is common misery?
Common misery...that's what boosted our relationship to begin with, not to mention saved me from a premature sealing to that damn tree, but has our relationship even progressed? I mean, yeah, it was nice to have someone to confide in who understood you without needless conversation, but laughter was scarce and any feelings rising above a content attraction were absent. I could identify with her, but I never really took the opportunity to know her, which was in retrospect probably our fatal mistake. You can base a relationship on mutual understanding, but it can't be the entire foundation. We lacked the components necessary to form a truly meaningful relationship, and all that romantic shit was eventually exaggerated after her death, as are most things once you lose them, usually to accentuate the positive.
Kagome...I can't even begin to explain it. When I'm around her I feel so much less tension then I did around KIkyo, we can bask in comfortable companionship one moment and be viciously snarling at one another the next. She's naive to the horrors of society, though she's becoming increasingly educated, and I'm the poster boy for "corrupted family" (and probably values at that...). She ignites feelings in me that I'd never known existed, similar to those I'd felt with Kikyo but magnified about ten times. She's absolutely infuriating at times, yet endearing the next, and I find myself becoming somehow addicted to her, constantly needing to be surrounded by her scent or within her presence. I can't categorize her the way I could with Kikyo, and my feelings for her can't be classified, because even I don't know what to make of them periodically.
All I know is that I love her...and I want to be with her.
That's what would make me happy...and Kagome. And maybe even Kikyo, or at least the Kikyo that'd once played a major role in my life, the Kikyo that no longer exists except as a tribute to the greatest priestess known to mankind. She would've understood, even if her alternate form can't seem to accept it.
My own happiness.....lies in the heart of Kagome...
I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive
I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you
Don't turn around...
Deep within his musings, the impact of the breeze swirling around him barely registered as the gust grew more intense, leaves once scattered across the landscape, remnants of spring, now swirling around him ferociously, one in particular, with a patch of green still remaining in its center, a dark abyss corrupting the precious emerald remaining with every coming hour, flicked his left nostril defiantly and his senses heightened, alert as he attempted to assess the situation around him. Kikyo's eyes flickered shut as she enveloped him in a tight embrace, almost cutting off his circulation though that particular factor wasn't of utmost vitality at that precise moment, as realization began to settle over his shoulders, and he glanced around helplessly, searching for an escape route but found he could barely see through the enraged bluster, pebbles and clods of moist dirt clouding his usually superior vision.
He could, however, barely make out a figure cloaked in green making her way deliberately toward him, ebony hair flinging back into the gust as she sprinted toward him, a bead of sweat barely gracing the ground before it disintegrated permanently and her gaze intent and focused, with only a solitary recurring thought pounding in the recesses of her conscious existence.
If this makes me a selfish brat, so be it, but I won't let him leave me like this! Not without a good-bye...not without telling him... that I love him...
I won't let him chicken out of this, no matter how fragile his emotional barriers are! I deserve this much at least...
I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don't go
She collapsed beside him, panting dryly, her breath raspy and hesitant as it puffed through her meagerly parted lips. "Inuyasha," she barely choked out, oblivious to his intense concentration upon her final mutterings, "Don't," she gasped, sweat now embellishing the folds of her throat, presumably as a side effect of the imminent stress, and he reached his free hand out to steady her as her gaze rose from the musty soil, betrayal and intense sorrow evident in her eyes as a single tear made contact with the damp Earth.
"Kagome," he seemed to ponder this for a second before he noticed his toes tingling as they vanished into the bleak abyss beneath them. Instantly his resolve pushed him forward and he tentatively grasped the delicate skin beneath her chin, pulling her forward and allowing his lips to barely caress her own, choosing to ignore the startled gasp this elicited from her and concentrating on the momentary bliss of the situation. The kiss was relatively short, delicate and lilting as was Kagome's own presence, and he swiftly pulled apart from her, noticing his torso beginning to flicker as Kikyo's grasp tightened involuntarily, she was, for all intensive purposes, unconscious by this point.
"Kagome," he raked the leaves from his throat, "Never forget me, k? I," he paused, memories flooding his subconscious and he struggled to disregard his defensive barriers, "Kagome, I love you".
He...does?
Then why...is he vanishing?
Why does my heart feel...
...like its vanishing alongside him?
A content smile embellished Kagome's cheeks and she seemed to possess and iridescent glow as her hair fluttered out from underneath her shoulders, and she graced him with a smile so pure he doubted he'd seen a lovelier sight in his entire existence, her chocolate eyes warm with devotion, understanding, and an emotion he could've sworn was akin to...
"I love you too, Inuyasha," her voice was lilting as she struggled to grasp his final expression, which was becoming increasingly difficult as only his head remained submerged, the image of Kikyo had long since evaporated.
And for a single precise moment, the first she'd seen from all their shared experiences, he was happy. Not strained, pressured, hurt, regretful, irritated, frightened, or any further of the numerous emotions Kagome had seen and oftentimes suffered through alongside him.
Just.... happy.
And that was all the encouragement she needed.
The Shikon Jewel was torn from her neck and clutched in trembling hands as inaudible mutterings were barely distinguishable to its prying ears, and it glowed an eerie purple before fulfilling her request, lying dormant once again as a pink tinge spread across its depths and a tingling sensation overcame her, forever implanting the contented beam upon her cheeks, unrequited devotion causing her iridescent gaze to sparkle with unrivaled clarity.
Good-bye...
I suppose I should be upset...
But...it's worth it.
Love is worth it...
Never forget me...
Eventually the winds died down, the final tuft of pale hair disappearing beneath the surface of the evergreen forest, and Kikyo stalked back to camp, frequently tugging down the pleated skirt as she was unaccustomed to such lightweight garments, her head tilted skyward and her walk gracefully deliberate, so unlike the awkward stumblings commonly associated with the awkward motions of her rejuvenated youth, features vaguely reminiscent of the form she'd inhabited only moments beforehand.
What do you know? a bemused smile heightened her cheekbones. I suppose even I'm astonished at her foolishness - why anyone would choose to inhabit a corpse is beyond my understanding, but for some inexplicable reason, I find myself almost yearning for such unconditional devotion, as non-existent as I believe it to be...
Maybe love exists after all...
But presently, I'm not too concerned with it.
After all..
... I have a lifetime to find out.