Title: Losing Everything
Author: Forsaken2003
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own none; all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: After Drusilla dies for the final time Spike can't handle it and starts to push away the only good thing in his life.
Warnings/Spoilers: Post NFA
Beta'd by: Whichclothes
Prompt #302 from Tamingthemuse- Anathema
Prompts: Lover100: 7. Days, 8. Weeks, 9. Months, 10. Years, 14. Too much, 17. Complicated, 37. Hurt, 46. Betrayal, 50. Emotion, 69. Safe, 70, Protection, 71. Broken, 87. Life, 88. Fight, 89. Work, 90. Home
Note: From now on most of my Tamingthemuse stories will be named as the challenge.
Xander hated when Spike drank because Spike always got mad. He also always used big words. Like anathema. Xander didn't think that was even a word; he'd never heard anyone use it before. Spike told Xander that he felt anathema for Buffy. After Spike went to bed Xander would have to look the word up on the internet. No doubt it was something bad. Xander would bet his Battlestar Galactica plate collection on it.
"Who does that bitch think she is?" Spike ranted. "Doesn't she have her own life to worry about instead of mine? I'm bloody sick of her making snide comments about my drinking." He grabbed a can of beer from the fridge.
"Spike, don't you think you've had enough?" Xander asked as he watched Spike pop the tab and gulp down a quarter of the beer. "I mean, you have been drinking a lot lately."
Spike whipped around and glared at Xander. "You're siding with that stuck-up bitch?"
"No, I'm just worried. Ever since we heard that Drusilla died you've been hitting the liquor harder than normal," Xander explained.
"She was my bloody sire, you nit!" Spike growled out. "Just because she left me doesn't mean I didn't still love her! You fucking Scoobies, always thinking you know everything. You don't know a damn fucking thing!"
Xander winced. He hadn't meant to start a fight. Of course Spike would be upset about Drusilla. They had been together for over a hundred years. But it had been months and the drinking just seemed to get worse. Hell, they hadn't even had sex since Spike found out. It was almost like maybe Spike felt like it was a betrayal of Drusilla or something. Spike was broken over his sire's death but it seemed like he was giving up on his relationship with Xander. That Xander didn't even matter to him anymore. It hurt more than Xander could ever explain.
Spike stared at Xander. He wasn't blind, he knew what he was doing to him was wrong, but it was his sire! She had been the most important person in his unlife. That was something Xander would never understand no matter how much he tried.
"Spike, you are making me compete with a ghost. And I'm on losing ground here. I'm trying to be supportive but you're not making it easy," Xander said. There was a twitch in his eye that Spike knew well. It meant that Xander was either trying not to punch him in the face or was trying to keep his emotions in check. Spike figured it was the latter. "I love you but you are pushing me away. If you're doing it on purpose or not I have no fucking idea but all I can say is it's working. I'm sorry about Drusilla. I really am. But you have more in your life than just her." Xander turned and walked out of their small apartment, no doubt going to stay with Willow for the night.
Looking down in disgust at the beer can in his hand; Spike threw it into the sink. Xander was right; he was ruining what he had going on in his life and if he kept doing it Drusilla wouldn't be the only thing he lost. When had things gotten so complicated?
Willow wasn't shocked to see Xander at her door looking miserable. This wasn't the first time he'd shown up this late looking for a place to stay the night. She let him in. "Spike's drinking again." It wasn't a question.
"When isn't he drinking these days?" Xander asked, flopping down on the couch. "I'm trying Wills, I really am, but it's too much. I don't know what to do anymore. What if he is doing this because he doesn't want to be with me anymore? Since Drusilla died he hasn't even touched me."
Willow sat down beside Xander and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sure that's not true. He is just hurting. You remember how you were when Anya died. You were a mess."
"Yeah, but I wasn't in another relationship at the time and making that person feel like shit all the time," Xander pointed out. "Can I crash on your couch again tonight?"
"Sure, sweetie, anytime you need to." Willow kissed him on the cheek. "Get some sleep and you'll feel better in the morning." She said that every time and it was always a lie.
Xander smiled. "Sure, Wills." He watched her walk back to her room. With a sigh he lay down on the lumpy couch and closed his eyes.
A loud knock jarred Xander from his restless sleep. With a groan he rolled off the couch and stumbled to the front door. He was more than just a little shocked to see Spike on the other side. All the times he'd ended up at Willow's Spike had never come after him. "Spike, what the hell are you doing here? What time is it?"
"Came looking for you. It's just after four," Spike answered. He wasn't looking at Xander.
"Why? You come to tell me how stupid I am again?" Xander asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Why don't you just find another bottle to pickle yourself with?" He went to slam the door in Spike's face but Spike's foot stopped him.
Willow peeked out from the hallway. "Xan? Is everything all right?"
"It's fine, Wills. Go back to sleep," Xander said, his eyes never leaving Spike.
Willow noticed Spike. Without saying anything else she went back to her room praying that everything worked itself out.
"Talk to me, pet," Spike said quietly.
"Talk to you? Talk to you?" Xander repeated upset. "You've got to be kidding me! I'm the only one who is talking! I'm tired being the only one trying to make this work," Xander said angrily. "And I'm tired of you making me feel like I don't understand about pain! I've lost a lot of people I cared about over the years too, you know."
Spike finally looked up at Xander. "I know."
"Then you know I didn't push the people I care about away. I never once made them feel like shit while they tried helping me through it." Xander let go of the doorknob and moved away from Spike. "So tell me Spike, what the fuck do you want me say?"
"That you won't leave me," Spike said quietly.
Xander turned and looked at Spike. "What?"
"I don't want you to leave me," Spike repeated.
"Why should I stay, Spike? I'm not going to live in the shadow of Drusilla. I'm not going to be in a relationship of one," Xander stated. "How can I stay when you won't even touch me?"
Spike walked swiftly over to Xander. "I'm sorry, luv. I never meant to do that to you. I've been a right bastard to you, I know. After you left last night, I thought that was it, you were gone and I realized that it wasn't about Drusilla. Not all of it. If she can die then so can you. I couldn't protect her, what if I can't keep you safe?"
"Spike…" Xander was thrown off balance. This was about him? "I don't need protection. Okay, sometimes I do being the demon magnet that I am and all, but I can still take care of myself. Besides before this we were talking about taking off, having some time away from the death and destruction. That you'd turn me and we'd find a shaman to stick my soul on nice and tight. How can I believe you still even want that?"
Pale hands grasped Xander's face as Spike hoped that Xander wouldn't pull away from him. "Of course I want that! I just don't want to lose another person I love. I'm tired of all the people I love dying." Spike's blue eyes welled up. "I'll be better for you."
Xander's own hands reached for Spike. "The drinking has to stop. Making me feel like you don't want me has to stop."
"It will," Spike promised quickly. "I'll do anything to make this right. Will you come home?"
Looking into Spike's eyes, Xander could see that he was sincere in what he was saying. Maybe things really would get better. They had to because if they didn't he'd have no choice but to leave and this time for good. "Yeah, babe, let's go home."
Spike dove in for a kiss. "I'll do you right, luv. It's just you and me now."
Xander knew it was a lie, Drusilla would always be there but as long as she didn't take over Spike's life, Xander could live with it. "Yeah, Spike. It's just you and me," Xander replied with a smile. For the first time in weeks he felt like he had Spike back.
The End