Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural so please dont sue.

Summary: Tag to Lucifer Rising. I know its been done to death but I wanted to write my own interpretation. Sam reflects on everything that has brought him to this moment, right before Lucifer rises.

A/N: Hope everyone likes this. I know its not too original, but I got the idea from a monologue assignment, so I decided Sam should have a monologue. Ive only seen this episode once so there may be some inconsistencies with the actual episode, but I hope I got it all right. Enjoy.

Reflections

No. No, no, no, no ,no. NO! This cant be happening. What have I done? What have I done?!

I cant believe this. I look down at the floor, where the tendrils of blood are flowing in a spiral reaching for the center, for their master. I watch horrified as the blood meanders closer and closer to its destination. Ive heard the saying your live flashes before your eyes in your last moments. In my last moments I watch the blood and time seems to stand still and I cant help to think of everything Ive screwed up and what I have become. I look over at Liliths dead body and I remember my quest for vengeance that brought all of this about. Ive screwed up so much. My brother hates me, Ive become a monster, and Ruby, the person I trusted most in the world other than my brother used me! Dean shoulda killed me along time ago, he shoulda left me dead at Cold Oak, if he had then none of this would be a problem. I cant believe I was stupid enough to fall for this fucking crap!

My brother hates me. I know this for a fact. I look in his eyes and see no love no compassion only hatred. I got Deans message, I know his true feelings now, he thinks Im a monster, he wants me dead. Well hell have his wish soon enough.

Our relationship is so fucked. I dont think I can ever find a way to fix it. I was so determined to find vengeance, I guess Im more like my father than I thought. I remember the night Jess died, I was so angry, all I wanted was revenge, I wanted to see Yellow Eyes dead! I wanted revenge so badly then too, but I remember that night when Dean shot Yellow Eyes right through the head, I looked down at his dead body and felt nothing. He was dead but Jess, mom, dad, they were all still dead and they werent coming back. All I could see when I looked down at his dead body was a poor old Janitor who was unfortunate enough to become possessed by Yellow Eyes. There was no satisfaction in the end.

When the hell hounds came for Dean though, the grief I felt was indescribable, it was as though I had lost the part of myself that made me me. I didnt know how to live without Dean. I spent all those months trying to track down Lilith trying to bring Dean back. I wanted to tear Lilith apart with my own two hands, make her suffer like she made Dean. My reasoning for all this was that it would bring Dean back, but deep down I knew that wasnt going to happen. Dean was dead and he was staying dead.

When Dean came back I felt nothing. There was no relief, no happiness because I knew that Lilith was still out there, so I continued my hunt, even at the risk of losing my brother again. I just didnt care.

I broke my promise to him. I promised Dean I wouldnt use my powers after he went to hell, but I had to I had no other choice, I needed vengeance. I used them because I thought they would bring him back, Ruby told me they would. I became what Dean feared, what I feared, what my dad warned Dean about. I became a monster.

During this past year I told myself everything I was doing was for Dean, that in some way it was for him. I know now looking back that none of it had truly been done for Dean. When he came back, I cant even say that I was happy that he was alive. All he did was slow down my hunt. He constantly got in the way. There were even times when I hated Dean, and I know hed say the same for me, I know he hates me.

The other night I beat him, he was in my way and I needed to kill Lilith. I was so close that I could feel her flesh and blood on my hands. Dean just didnt understand. That night I walked out on him, he said if you walk out that door dont you dare come back but thats what I did I walked out on him, just left him there. My whole life my brother has been watching out for me, always saving me. Dad said that if he couldnt save me hed have to kill me, but time after time Dean has refused to kill me. Hes been trying to save me ever since this whole thing started. All he wants is his brother back, but his brother is gone and Im left in his wake. Im a monster who needs to be hunted down and killed just like the shape shifters, werewolves all of those monsters that we hunted. Dean cant save me now, so he needs to kill me!

I tired so hard to deny my destiny. I refused to become evil, but look at me now. I am everything that I feared I would become. While I was killing Lilith all I felt was pure unadultered hate. There was nothing else just an all consuming hate, and I knew at that moment that I was evil. I killed an innocent woman tonight. I sucked the blood from her body, held her limp form to my body and felt the power that she held flow through my veins. She was innocent for Gods sake. She was a nurse, with a family who loved her, and I killed her in cold blood all because I needed to kill Lilith. Look where that got me.

I have done so many horrible things in my life. I have killed so many innocent people. Ive lived the life of a hunter, and people have suffered at my hands. I killed Madison, I killed Steve Wendell, I killed Meg. None of these people deserved to die. I even killed mom and Jess. I know that now, Ive known that for awhile. If I werent alive then theyd all still be living. I wish Dean had left me for dead at Cold Oak.

I blame all of this on Ruby, she betrayed me. I trusted her with my life, and she betrayed me! She claimed she still felt human and thats why she was helping us but I know thats bullshit! She saved my life, Deans life on so many occasions, she promised vengeance for me, she promised to bring Dean back, I even had fucking sex with her. That fucking bitch! She manipulated me and destroyed my life, tore Dean and I apart, and now Lucifer is free. The world as we know it is royally fucked!

Everything Ive don oh God! Everything Ive done has been my fault. Ruby may have manipulated me but she told me that she didnt force me to do anything, just pushed me in the right direction. Shes right. I screwed everything up, I should have listened to Dean. Everyones gonna die now because of me.

My gaze once again falls to the floor where the blood has stopped. It now sits pooled in the center of the spiral. Any moment now the end will come.

A sudden bright light fills the room and in that moment I look towards Dean. When I look into his eyes I see the expected fear and panic, but I also see love and forgiveness. I hold onto that hope that I he gives me, and I believe that he will save the day because after all Deans my big brother and I know he forgives me. Thats all that matters.

A/N: Good, bad/ Please review, and I have a question for any fan who has read the Supernatural comics. Does anybody else see a similarity between Ruby and H. that last line she said about how she didnt force Sam to do anything, only pushed him in the right direction, it sounds an awful lot like what H. said to John at the Fore Inn. Is Ruby H.? Just wondering.

Katelyn S.