Good Old-Fashioned Fistfight
"Hey, watch it Ezra!"
Ezra jolted in panic, ripped from his thoughts by Sabine's voice as he all but walked into her on his way out of the Ghost. He stumbled inelegantly to the side in a manner he knew would have made Kanan shake his head if he saw —
Ezra's mind grew numb instantly, his heart aching painfully as his mind came to a dead halt. The Padawan's throat tightened so suddenly he was surprised he could breath.
Kanan would never be able to see him make a fool of himself now, or ever again. And it was all Ezra's fault.
Anger beat hot in his chest as his heart stopped aching and began to throb instead, throb with a burning desire to find Maul again. More than anything, since leaving Malachor, all he wanted to do was jump in the Phantom and take off into the galaxy to find the old Sith. He wanted it more than he could stand, and it was only because of Kanan, and what Maul had done to him — what Ezra had done to him — that he hadn't taken off the very moment everyone's attention had fallen off of him.
Because when he did find Maul, he was going to make him pay for what he'd done to Kanan, and for how the old Sith had manipulated Ezra's good intentions, his trust, and his stubborn desire to prove himself capable to his Master.
Ezra snorted darkly to himself. Oh, he'd proven himself alright. Proven how foolish and incompetent he was in his impatience. Again.
What sort of Jedi failed that badly?
"Ezra?"
Ezra blinked, suddenly aware that he'd been staring at Sabine for a long time while he'd been caught up in his pained thoughts and dark plans. He couldn't say that he was surprised to see her up so early. Sabine was one of the earliest risers on the Ghost, earlier than Kanan, or Hera sometimes. The Mandalorian always seemed to be busy tinkering, shooting, or painting something that it was a wonder that she even slept at all.
"Sorry Sabine," he said softly as he moved to step around her, making for the ramp that would lead out of the Ghost and to … somewhere. It was early enough in the morning that the night's chill hadn't quiet lifted, and that meant that he could go pretty much anywhere for the time being before it became too hot, and he planned to make the most of it. When he'd left his and Zeb's cabin, he hadn't really thought about where he was going to go, just that he needed to get out of the Ghost. It was just too stifling in the cabin he shared with the Lasat, and he couldn't focus or concentrate. He felt claustrophobic, as if he had nowhere to go. He needed to get out. He needed to get away from the quiet and gentle murmurs of Hera's voice as she helped Kanan in ways Ezra knew he never could. He just needed to get away from the hesitant fingers of his Master as Kanan searched for the mug of caf that sat right in front of him, his disposition calm and patient even in the face of his newly acquired blindness.
Most of all, he needed space away from the white bandage that displayed to the whole galaxy the evidence of the biggest mistake of Ezra's life.
Even as he moved around the tall Mandalorian, he felt her eyes watching him closely, scrutinizing him as a bird of prey might, and for an irrational moment he wished that she wasn't so clever. He wished that she wasn't so strong-minded because he would have used the Force to command her to stop. To make her stop looking at him as if he was a mistake, a failure, and the biggest problem the Ghost crew had.
Because he didn't need it. He could make himself feel like that all on his own, without anyone's help.
"Where are you going, Ezra? You aren't usually up this early."
She was right. Ezra took his sleep about as serious as Zeb did. But sleep hadn't come to him last night, and it wasn't as if he felt like he deserved the sweet relief that it would have brought with it anyway. Besides, even if he had been able to sleep, he'd have woken up instantly at the muffled sound of Kanan's shout early in the morning, his terror and pain rippling through the Force as his Master emerged from a nightmare. It had been immediately followed in the Force by Hera's careful concern, care, and love. Towards the middle of the night, he'd heard Hera leave her room for Kanan's, and knew that she'd spent the night with him, providing his Master with comfort he couldn't even imagine. Ezra had practically choked on his guilt, knowing that not only had he done this to Kanan, but he'd also caused Hera, and probably the whole Ghost crew, the same sort of pain too.
He made everyone suffer.
Stoically as he could, he said, "Couldn't sleep, and I'm going for a walk around the fence." It was the first place he could think of that was a reasonable excuse while also being a place he knew Sabine wouldn't be all that thrilled to go to, given everything that had happened with the giant krykna spiders. Although when push came to shove the Mandalorian would gear up and shoot with the rest of them, he'd seen the way she'd looked at the giant insects. Usually nothing phased the vibrant, explosives-happy fighter, but even though there was a lot of evidence to the contrary, on occasion he did happen to have eyes and he did happen to use them. He'd seen the way her sharp eyes had narrowed slightly in displeasure, and how her tall, lean body had shifted away from them, even from behind the safe side of the fence. She didn't like it there because she didn't like the spiders.
And that alone was more than enough reason to go to the fence. At least he wouldn't feel like the biggest let down in existence with the attractive, capable, and perfect Sabine there to make it all just that much more apparent.
"You mind if I tag along?"
The Lothal teenager didn't know how he managed to hold in his biting comment, or stop from raging at Sabine for doing the one thing he had prayed she wouldn't. But what could he do, now that she'd asked? As much as he wanted to tell her off and tell her 'no', he knew that she would likely report back to Hera and Kanan about his behavior, and he definitely didn't want that. And since that was the case, and Force-persuasion wasn't on the table, he sighed quietly to himself, but nodded anyway.
"Great! I have this new blaster I've been wanting to try out, and those spiders are exactly the type of targets I was looking for."
"That's great," he muttered in a manner that didn't hide how much he didn't care. He didn't look back at her, and just focused on ignoring her as he made his way down the ramp to hopefully put some distance between them. But her legs were longer than his, and in no time her strides enabled her to catch up. Soon she was walking in time with him, a small smile edging her lips as she looked towards the horizon where the sun was slowly rising.
Agitation burned low under his heart at the sight of her smile. It was partly fake, he could feel it in the Force that she was forcing it on her lips, but he still couldn't stop himself from biting out, "What are you happy about?" After yesterday, he couldn't have found something to be happy about if he tried.
Sabine just shrugged off his bad attitude as she said, "The sun's up, I'm about to kill me some giant spiders, you and Kanan made it back yesterday, and the Ghost crew is together again. What's there not to be happy about?"
"How about Ahsoka?" Ezra offered quietly into the dry desert morning. "How about Kanan's eyes?"
Silence met Ezra's words, and he noticed that the fake happy-vibe that had coated Sabine was losing its edge. It was true that both he and Kanan had made it back alive, and yes he did suppose that everything considered, it was the best that came out of the mess that was Malachor. But even knowing that, he couldn't bring himself to be happy about it. Glad, perhaps, since Kanan hadn't died, like Ahsoka had, and they'd managed to get the Sith holocron and get back to everyone. But he wasn't happy.
He was sad … and filled with anger.
The walk to the fence wasn't a long one, but if felt like it was, given that neither of them said a thing. It wasn't even a companionable silence either. It was just filled with unspoken criticism and concern, and Ezra just knew it was a matter of time before Sabine decided she wanted to open her mouth and poke her nose in where it didn't belong. He could sense her desire in the Force to talk to him and break the silence, and it rubbed him wrong. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want her there, and he just wanted to scream and yell and rage at everything that happened. Ezra felt like one of Sabine's bombs, triggered and about ready to detonate.
Ezra both hoped and feared that he'd detonate on her.
They reached the fence easily enough and began to walk its wide perimeter. Given that it was so early in the morning the giant spiders weren't out in number like they usually were. There were a few of them though, slow and lazy as he would have been this early in the morning, before Malachor. The spiders watched them and hissed a threatening warning. Ezra wanted to snarl back in challenge, and wouldn't that just make an impression on Sabine?
He could just imagine Kanan's frown now.
"Hey, there's a whole lot of them over there. Let's go," she said suddenly, breaking the silence as she lifted a finger to point to a spot near an agglomeration of huge boulders. The krykna were clustered and swarming just that side of the fence, and a sudden desire to jump into the middle of them with his lightsaber blazing made his muscles ache with desire. Desire for action. Desire to move. Desire to hurt or destroy something, because anything felt better than the stagnant immobility that seemed to linger deep in his bones.
But he didn't have a lightsaber anymore. Vader had made sure of that. And worse, those were dark tendencies. Sith tendencies. And though he could open the Sith holocron, something everyone said only Sith could open, he refused to believe that that meant he was one. Because he wasn't. He was using his anger, not submitting to it, and he wouldn't submit to his darker desires. He was still a Jedi, and so he wouldn't.
No matter how tempting the desire was.
"You go on without me. Have a blast," Ezra mumbled as he shoved his hands into his pockets and began to plot a course away from the Mandalorian, but he was stopped when her hand clamped down on his wrist and began to pull him after her. He glared at Sabine as he stumbled, trying to plant himself on the ground stubbornly. "Sabine, let me go!"
"Just come on, Ezra. I'll even let you take a round."
"I don't want to try out your new blaster!" he said firmly, his anger beginning to show through as he tried yanking his wrist out of her grasp, to no avail. "Just do it on your own. You don't need me to be there to see how great of a shot you are."
She ignored him and kept on dragging him after her, and he thought about Force-pushing her. If she wanted target practice so much, he could Force-push her right at the giant spiders and let her go to town. But that would be submitting to the dark urges that seemed to roil in his chest now, and instead he glared at her angrily. He'd be patient. Sabine had to let him go at some point, and when she did, he was out of there. Ezra was beyond caring about what Kanan or Hera would say about it. He'd be in the right because Sabine had deliberately ignored his wishes.
The crowd of krykna chittered loudly amongst themselves as they caught sight of the Padawan and the Mandalorian teenagers so close to the edge of the safe-zone. Ezra looked at them daringly now that they were so close. He may not deliberately attack them, but if they gave him a reason to attack, then he'd just have to defend himself, wouldn't he? Maybe they'd break through the sensor beacons? He hoped they would. He dared them, and it didn't even matter to him that the only weapon he had was his old energy slingshot, which would do nothing more than stun them. He'd find a way to take them down. He was itching to.
Once Sabine had pulled Ezra into a wide and open space surrounded by the boulders on the boarders of the fence, she let him go and looked around the area appraisingly.
"This should be a good spot."
"Well, have fun terrorizing the spiders," Ezra said harshly as he rubbed his wrist, but before he could turn to leave he found himself frozen in place. The anger in his blue eyes slipped away and was immediately replaced with confusion and surprise when he saw that Sabine was starting to take off the plates of the armor she wore on her chest and arms, carefully placing them on the ground until she was clad only in her boots, pants, and her form-fitting black shirt. Ezra's eyes boggled and his mind race. Sabine never took off her armor, not that he knew of anyway. Sometimes Ezra suspected she slept in it, or that it never came off, ever. If she was just shooting krykna, why was she taking it off? That just wasn't something she did.
Ezra couldn't stop the sharp bolt of desire that slipped down his spine as his imagination ran a little wild at the thought of Sabine undressing, and he had to force his eyes away. Was she going to undress more? And if so, what was she planning to do with him still here, in this secluded spot? There was no way that she was planning to do the things that happened in his hormonal imagination, but what if she was? What should he do? What would he do? Growing up on the streets of Lothal had ensured that he wasn't the most innocent minded of youth, but he'd never … he'd never done that before.
"What are you doing?" he forced himself to ask, even as heat beat hard in his cheeks. He was thankful that it was still relatively dark in the twilight of dawn, and that his skin tone was dark enough to hide blushes. But he still forced himself to look up and meet her eyes, and she grinned at him. It was almost mischievous.
"Sparring practice," Sabine said with a lift of her chin. "I know that you spar with Kanan, but it's only ever swordplay. Some combat training might be useful in the future, given how often we're in battles, and I think some of the fundamentals could be applied to your lightsaber forms to improve them."
Ezra's mind was instantly turned from thoughts about Sabine, to the fact that she was criticizing him and his skill with the lightsaber. His anger was back disturbingly fast, as if it had just been waiting, and he glared at her as he crossed his arms.
"Sparring? Fundamentals training?" he asked incredulously. "I'm not a kid, Sabine. I know how to fight. And I thought that you were just here for target practice."
"I changed my mind. And this should just be a nice and easy sparring session for you then," she replied, unperturbed. "To be fair, I think Kanan would benefit from fundamentals training as well. He's good, but he's got flaws that I could pull apart if he ever got into a fight with me."
"Because that's going to happen any time soon," Ezra replied sardonically. "If you haven't noticed Sabine, Kanan's not really up to fighting anything right now. Or for a while."
If ever, he thought more quietly to himself.
The Mandalorian frowned, her lips pressing thin as her eyes narrowed. "I'd have thought you of all people would believe that Kanan's going to overcome his blindness. If any of us should believe that, I'd have thought it would be you."
He shrugged, non-committal. "I never said I didn't." Truth was, he did think that Kanan would overcome it. That's just what Kanan did. Beat odds, and do what had to be done.
Ezra just hated that his Master was in a position that he had to do it at all.
Sabine eyed him intensely for a long moment before she seemed to let it go, and instead put her hands on her hips and lifted her chin again.
"Come on, Ezra. No weapons, no Force, just a good old-fashioned fistfight."
The Padawan narrowed his gaze at her and used the Force to check for any ulterior motives, but found none. Just the same sort of general urge to engage in combat that came when he sensed Sabine. There wasn't even a desire to beat him to a pulp, or show him up. She just wanted him to fight and to engage her.
"I thought this was supposed to be a sparring session. I think that that's something different than a fistfight," he critiqued, his dark brows drawing down in suspicion, and she just smirked at him.
"I don't see a difference."
"Of course you don't. You're a Mandalorian, and a fully trained one," he grumbled as he watched Sabine begin to disarm herself as if he'd already agreed, carefully placing her blasters, explosives, knives, and a mind boggling amount of other weaponry that Ezra wasn't even sure was physically possible, given how light and form fitting her colorful armor was, on the ground before her. "I think it would be fairer that if I don't get to use the Force, you have to fight me with your hands tied behind your back. Otherwise I'm not sure just how much of a work out I'd be able to give you." As much as he wished he could say that his combat skills were good enough to take on Sabine, without the use of the Force to aid him, he would be lying to himself. Sure, he could hold his own in a street brawl without the Force, but Sabine was Mandalorian, Imperial, and Bounty Hunter trained. She could kick his sorry carcass from one end of Atollon to the other, and back. And that was just stating a fact.
Sabine rolled her eyes, her bright multi-colored hair shifting gently in the morning wind. "Fine. We'll even the odds. Force-enhancements only. Any telekinesis and you're giving me a 'go' to start shooting you with my blasters too."
That was a threat that Ezra was fairly certain that she'd carry through with, but after a moment he agreed to the conditions. Force-enhanced movements, strength, and senses would even the fight against her. It might even tip it over into his favor, but if that was the case, he'd go easy on her. If she was spoiling for a fight, then who was he to begrudge her when he was kinda feeling it as well. He just wouldn't fight her hard. Just hard enough.
Besides, it would take his mind off of Malachor. It would take his mind off of Kanan.
He began removing his old energy slingshot from his wrist, having taken it up again now that his lightsaber had been destroyed by Vader. It was another reason he wouldn't leave yet to find Maul. Although he'd managed to save the part of his old lightsaber that had contained his kyber crystal, he still needed time to assemble a new weapon, and his first had taken him weeks. He was sure he could make another one faster, but it would be finding the parts that would be more of a problem. Until then, he had to make do with what he had, and the old energy weapon felt like an old, if weak, friend.
Then he faced Sabine, opening himself up to the Force with a breath while concentrating on sending it through his muscles and his senses, becoming more sensitive and aware. His eyes narrowed at her. "Ready when you are."
She didn't even need the 'go'. She was already moving, and it was only because of Ezra's Force-enhanced reflexes that he was able to block a devastating punch to his face. He grunted with the force of it, but managed to push her away before rounding on her with a punch of his own. She swiftly dodged it, missing the first one, but Ezra was pleased when his second collided with her arm as she just managed to block it. It hadn't been a hard hit. He'd held back. As much as he was suddenly excited by the prospect of fighting and just moving, he didn't want to actually hurt her. Sabine may be Mandalorian trained, but it was still Sabine. He didn't want to risk real injury.
"Don't hold back on me, or you're going to regret it!" she said firmly as she drop-kicked him in the chest and sent him flying to his back, knocking the wind out of him momentarily. Surprise filled him at the sudden pain, but instead of making his mind race and trip over itself at the abrupt and powerful attack, it had the opposite effect. It cleared his mind, forcing all of his thoughts and doubts and concerns about Malachor out as he groaned and began to push himself back up to look at Sabine with narrowed eyes. Right now, if he wanted to win against Sabine, he had to focus on the fight. Distracted by Malachor, Kanan, and by her female gender, he wouldn't be in the right mind to prove that he could beat her.
She wanted to spar with him, to really spar, and who was he to go easy on her? Maybe if he beat her, she'd even leave him alone. That thought alone was all it took to get him back on his feet and fists raised, ready and waiting. Then he flew at her and they really went at it.
The fight was a flurry of limbs punching and kicking and sweeping, and it took everything Ezra had to keep up with her and avoid her deadly attacks. It was clear that they both had some obvious advantages. Sabine had formal training and years of experience, and though Ezra didn't, the Force more than made up for the deficit and he was keeping up and keeping even. He'd manage a successful series of kicks, but before he could blink she'd be gone and behind him, striking at his blind spot, and it was the Force that enabled him to dodge out of the way in time. It seemed like he was giving her a bit of a run for her money though, given the sweat that was beading on her forehead and the way her chest was beginning to heave with the exertion.
But it also seemed as if she never tired. Throughout the fight, her fists never slowed. Her kicks never lost their tremendous power. Her limber and lithe movements never failed, and she seemed to weave around him like the wind as she did her best to overcome his Force-improved defenses. But the Force was holding up for him too. The longer the fight went on, the more focused he felt he was becoming, the smoother, faster, stronger his movements felt and he felt good. He felt the Force running through him as he moved, as he practically danced with Sabine, and it felt as if they fought and fought and fought for what felt like ages. Neither seemed able of getting the upper hand, no matter how hard they tried.
Just concentrating on constantly moving, with no room for his thoughts to swell and drive him mad, he found he never wanted to stop. He'd never have to think again.
Occasionally throughout the fight, Sabine would call out critiques concerning his form, or his footwork, or the way he held his fist, but instead of getting angry about the criticism like he thought he would when they first began, he found he didn't mind it at all. Whenever she corrected him, he immediately did his best to incorporate the lesson and just kept on going, just kept on moving. Soon his lungs felt like billows as he fought for air, and his heart throbbed with the exertion and he loved it. Sweat lined his body, and though this wasn't the hardest fight he'd ever been in, it was still good, and he found that a smile had begun to form on his face, pulling his lips wide as he came at Sabine again and again.
And he was surprised to see that he wasn't the only one. Sabine was smiling at him as if she was having a damn good time too.
He fought harder, and she reciprocated and soon they were using the terrain around them as well, climbing and jumping and tackling and throwing and he just pressed harder, tried to move faster. Now he didn't care about who won or lost. Well, he'd like to win, sure, but that wasn't the point of it, not for him anyway. He just wanted to fight as long as he could, and Sabine was perfect.
It was soon evident, however, that they were both beginning to wind down. His focus was slipping a little and his body was beginning to rely more on him than on the Force, but Sabine was weakening as well. They were both almost done, but he thought that he had enough in him for one final maneuver. Ezra smiled in warning at Sabine, pleasure punching through what little of the dark miasma that remained swirling around his heart. This was it.
He lunged at Sabine, trying to take the fight to the ground where they could grapple, as they had a few times already, but Sabine surprised him by catching him and flinging him into the air and away. He landed on the ground with a groan, sand everywhere on his sweating skin and he began to push himself back up. One more time. Just one more time, and he knew he'd be able to take her down, and —
"Ezra, behind you!"
The sudden, fearful warning had Ezra moving instinctively, the Force guiding his movements as he abruptly pivoted and found himself face to face with one of the krykna, not even a foot away. It had raised up on six hind legs, the other two reaching in aggression, and its pincers clicked and clacked noisily in excitement. Any other time, Ezra would have been cowed, if only a little, but right now he just moved, just reacted, and with a great shout and a Force-enhanced fist, he rounded on it with all of his gathered momentum and slammed his fist into its eyes. Pain exploded in his hand at the collision against the rock-like exoskeleton, but he ignored it as the Force flowed through him, strengthening the effectiveness of the punch. He watched as the krykna all but flew away from him, thin, spidery legs flailing as it landed meters away near the other spiders.
Blaster fire immediately flew past him to strike at the krykna, to keep them at bay as a hand grabbed his shoulder and began dragging him backwards quickly, forcing him to stumble across the invisible barrier of the fence and back to safety. When Sabine had sent him flying, she must have underestimated how far he'd go, or they must have been too close to the sensor beacons. Truth was, he'd forgotten about the fence and the threat the krykna posed. He'd been so focused on Sabine, it had all faded away, forgotten in the back of his mind.
Sabine's grip on his shoulder was still tight and her blaster was still raised and ready, finger on trigger and just waiting while Ezra's fists were already back up and on guard. They both watched as the krykna he'd sent flying and she'd shot at stumbled as if disoriented, screeched into the air, then began tipsily moving away, clearly disinterested in them and the meal they might have been. It staggered again before toppling over, its spindly legs twitching and clawing at the air comically as it attempted to right itself again.
Both he and Sabine looked at each other at the same moment, and abruptly burst into laughter.
"Did you see that?" he asked with an excited smile as his fists dropped, and he ran a hand through his black hair in disbelief. "Did you see that?"
"You tried to fistfight a krykna!" she exclaimed as she put the safety back on her blaster before turning to him more fully, a huge smile on her face. "That was insane! It must have been pushed back five meters! Did you use the Force?"
"Only to strengthen my punch, but I didn't Force-push it," he admitted, his lips still pulled wide as pleasure and mirth filled him at what a stupid and successful move that had been. "I can't believe I did that."
"Believe it, you Juggernaut! Didn't think you had it in you."
They were still giggling at the event, their endorphins running high, even as they stumbled back to the wide clearing and into the growing shadows that would hide them from the heat of the sun for a while. During their fight, it seemed the sun had risen quite a bit, and even that much was enough to start effecting the temperature. When they'd started it had been a little cool from the night. Now it was warm, and it would soon be getting hot. Once they'd made it into the shadows, they collapsed on the ground next to each other. Ezra let himself fall onto his back, and sighed as he finally let his body begin to relax after the workout.
He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked up at the pale blue morning sky and smiled, his muscles tingling, but lax. That had been good. That had been really good.
"I'm impressed, Ezra," Sabine said with a smile as she worked to catch her breath again, leaning on a nearby rock instead of laying on the ground like he was. "I won't be going easy on you next time."
"You were going easy on me?" he asked, incredulously as he looked at her, admiring the color in her hair and the way her brown eyes flashed. "You're lying. No way was that you going easy."
"I guess you'll just have to fight me again and find out," she replied with a smirk, letting her body relax as well as she looked out into the vast desert landscape. "You won't win."
"We'll just see about that," he sighed in contentment, happy to let it rest at that for the time being, and they both let the quiet in, comfortable and companionable. It was wonderful. All he heard was the desert wind, the chittering of the krykna, the soft breath of Sabine beside him, and the sound of his heart beat. It was wonderful.
Until, that is, Sabine broke the silence by asking, "Do you think that Kanan's going to be alright?"
A frown instantly slipped onto Ezra's lips as his good humor began to slip away and die, replacing itself slowly with the dark thoughts that he'd been free from while fighting.
"Yeah, Sabine," he breathed, his voice noticeably dull and listless as he just stared at the sky, hoping it would eat him up whole. "He's Kanan. He'll be alright. Besides, Hera's there to take care of him. He'll be … on his feet in no time."
The silence descended again, no longer companionable but tense with concern, and he knew that Sabine was looking at him. He ignored it though. Ignored her worried eyes, and whatever else he might find there that he didn't want to deal with.
"You know, we're all here for you too, Ezra," she said softly, and Ezra wished that his hearing was as gone as Kanan's sight right now. "Kanan wasn't the only one that came back hurt. It's obvious that you did too."
"You're seeing things," he said blandly as he pushed himself up to standing, ignoring the way his well-used muscles shook and resisted him. He walked over to where he'd left his energy slingshot and picked it up and strapped it on. "There's nothing wrong with me, Sabine."
He heard her move and he watched quietly as she quickly and efficiently began to reattach the panels of her armor again, and sheath and holster her weapons. When she was finished, he turned and said, "See you later. Thanks for the spar." Hopefully that was clear enough for her that she should leave him alone now. He didn't know where he'd go, but so long as it was away from the Ghost and away from her questions, he didn't care.
Unfortunately, it seemed she wasn't going to let him get away that easily, not when her hand suddenly latched onto his wrist for the second time today.
"Listen, Ezra." Ezra stopped in his tracks and resisted the urge to jerk his wrist from her hold and run. Instead he swallowed the growing burn of agitation and anger that was building because she was putting her nose where it didn't belong, and looked up at the Mandalorian coolly. She was frowning, and her eyes were down and looking at the ground in a manner that usually meant that she was thinking or troubled. This, Ezra decided, might be a clear mixture of the two.
"Sabine?" he asked when she hadn't said anything, because if she wasn't going to say what was on her mind she might as well let him go on his way, but her frown deepened for a moment before she looked up at him with hard, but concerned eyes.
"I know that you think that I'm going to tell Hera and Kanan if I think there's something wrong with you." Ezra's heart sank and threatened to go numb as his gaze immediately dropped from hers. He knew it. But as his gaze dropped, he hissed in pain as Sabine's grip grew tight enough to bruise.
"Let go, Sabine!" he growled angrily, looking up at her again, but he was met with the hard glare of an angry Mandalorian.
"If you're worried about that, Ezra, don't be. I'm not going to tell them anything."
The anger and the fight in Ezra slipped away from him a little, leaving him with his confusion and suspicion. "You're … not?"
"No, I'm not," she echoed back, raising her chin defiantly. Ezra continued to look at the colorful Mandalorian in disbelief.
"Why?"
"Do you want me to tell them?" Sabine asked, eyebrows drawn and brown eyes pointed. "I'm not going to tell them because it's not my job to. And because this is already hard enough on everyone, especially you. I know what that's like, thinking people don't trust you and that they're waiting for you to mess up again." Her voice softened and her eyes lost a little of the fire that had held him relentlessly. "I know what it's like to feel like a failure."
"Please. As if you could fail at anything," Ezra bit out spitefully, his anger abrupt and sharp as his fists clenched tight, his teeth bared. "You're perfect at everything. You've probably never failed at anything in your life!"
He immediately realized he'd spoken foolishly and thoughtlessly when a fist plowed into the side of his face faster than his Force-senses could track. He staggered, hand on his jaw as Sabine looked at him with fury and narrowed eyes.
"You don't know me, Ezra! You don't have the right to say that," Sabine said savagely, and it was all Ezra could do to hold his ground and not shrink back further under the intensity of Sabine's rage. "I may not have done whatever it was you did on Malachor. I may not have indirectly lead to Kanan's blindness, or had a part in Ahsoka's death, if you're even guilty of those crimes." Ezra opened his mouth to argue that he was guilty of those crimes, but Sabine's eyes hardened and she spoke over him, intent on getting her point across. "But I have things in my past that I'm not proud of that haunt me at night too, and I wouldn't want anyone spying on me because of them. So I won't do it to you."
Her brown eyes dared him to try and say anything in the face of that, and they held each other's attention for a long time in a silent battle of wills before Ezra sighed and looked away ashamed, his jaw aching. He deserved that. In his anger and self-pity, he'd gotten it into his mind that he was the only person who ever screwed up, when that just wasn't the case. He lived with an entire crew of people who'd had lives of their own, before meeting him, and there was no telling what sort of dark secrets they were keeping hidden within their hearts and souls. Who was he to assume that they'd never made a mistake before in their lives?
But even knowing that, it was hard to convince himself that any of their mistakes held a match to his. As a matter of fact, he didn't convince himself at all, but he did understand the point Sabine was trying to make.
"Why'd you want to spar with me, Sabine?" Ezra finally asked with a frown. "You like to train on your own, and you don't usually go out of your way to spar with anyone. What's your reason, really?"
Ezra watched as Sabine crossed her arms, frowning and looking away as well into the dim morning shadows.
"I know what it's like to need an outlet. It's easy for me and Zeb and Hera to just shoot the krykna and feel alright about it, but for Kanan and for you? You're Jedi, and I know that it's a bad thing for you to intentionally hurt or destroy something because it'll feel good and relieve the stress. That's supposed to be dark side stuff. What Sith, like Vader and the Inquisitors do. Right?"
The Padawan nodded, looking up slowly. Their eyes met and Sabine held his firmly. "I asked you to spar because sometimes fighting is a good outlet. I know it is for me, and we all know it is for Zeb. I just figured that you'd be able to have that outlet if your opponent was someone safe that could give you a challenge. That way you're not really hurting anyone, and you get some of your aggression out. That's all."
His blue eyes regarded her for a long time as his Force-senses slipped out to feel her emotions, and he couldn't say he was surprised when he found nothing but frank honestly. She'd been trying to help him, in one of the few ways she knew how, given that she knew he didn't want to talk.
And, knowing that, he was surprised to find that he did feel better, even taking into account his stupid accusation. He may not feel a whole lot better, but … he did feel better. The tight feeling in his chest wasn't so tight anymore. The anger thriving in the pits of his heart didn't feel like it was as hot. The itch in his muscles was softer, almost unnoticeable, and his body felt like it did after a mission. Used, but comfortable.
It felt like he could think again, more rationally anyway. It felt like he could finally access the cooler part of the Force, the part that Kanan worked so hard to help him understand. He hadn't realized it, but the Force was starting to feel hot and agitated. Powerful when it used to feel serene. After sparring with Sabine, the Force felt like that, more serene, and it felt as if cool water was being gently poured over the fire of his heart. Soothing. Relaxing. Good … or better, anyway. He wasn't a fool though. He knew that in a little while it would be back to the hot burn of anger and the serenity would be gone, but for now … for now it was a relief, and he appreciated it.
"Thanks, Sabine," Ezra finally said, rubbing his neck as he looked away, a little uneasy. "I do feel better."
"Don't mention it," she said with a small smile. "I'm always here to help. Especially when it comes to fighting against women." Ezra blinked at the abrupt change in trajectory their conversation was taking as Sabine moved the conversation from the heavy and painful topics to something more manageable. "If you train like that every time you fight me, then when you're up against a woman like Ketsu, you're going to lose."
"Did you think for a moment that maybe I was trying to fight you seriously? I'm not the one that's had combat training since they were born."
Sabine snorted, her lips twitching up into a smirk. "Oh, maybe. But I also know that you were pulling your punches, in the beginning at least. I appreciate the sentiment though."
Ezra couldn't help the smile that Sabine somehow seemed to pull out of him, no matter how he tried to resist it. "What can I say? I wouldn't want to hurt your pretty face."
Sabine rolled her eyes, shaking her head at him, but a fuller smile slipped onto her lips at the complement. "I can protect my face just fine. Here." Something sailed through the air, and it was because of Ezra's Force-enhanced reflexes that he caught the object deftly. He blinked when he saw that it was a blaster holstered in leather, the one she'd used against the krykna. It wasn't one of her usual WESTAR-35 blaster pistols, but a different one. "That's the new blaster I was talking about earlier. You should use it for now, until you fix your lightsaber."
Ezra's brow furrowed as he looked between Sabine and the blaster in his hand, stunned. "But you never let anyone use your weapons. Not unless it's an emergency."
Sabine gave a half-hearted shrug as she looked away towards the horizon. "I think I can trust you to take care of it. Besides, it's a lot more powerful than your slingshot, and I think that you got used to that sort of power with your lightsaber. Right?"
"Right," he agreed thoughtlessly, still surprised by the unexpected trust and generosity. "Thanks, Sabine."
Slowly he took hold of the grip of the blaster pistol and upholstered it. It wasn't as sleek as Sabine's usual weapons, but it felt good in his hand as he examined it. He ensured it was set to 'stun' and, taking careful aim, he fired a bolt at a precariously balanced rock nearby. The kick shook his hand a little, and he needed to remind himself in the future to hold the blaster more firmly, but he was pleased and impressed when the bolt struck the rock cleanly, shooting it back into the small hoard of krykna. The giant spiders jumped and dispersed with hissing, chittering displeasure. Both Ezra and Sabine smiled at the display, and Ezra holstered the pistol again before attaching it to his waist. It wasn't the comforting weight of his lightsaber, but it was something close.
"Come on. Let's go back to the Ghost. It's starting to warm up a bit and I don't want to be caught out in this sun any longer than I have to."
At the mention of the Ghost, Ezra's smile faded, and the tight feeling in his chest began to return. Kanan was there, and all the proof of his failures as well. It was the last place he wanted to be, and though he knew that he'd have to come back at some point, he didn't want to do it now.
"You go," he said, frowning a little when it was clear from his voice alone that what little mirth he'd had was gone. "I'm going to stay out here a little while longer."
Sabine looked at him for a long moment before she finally sighed, but nodded, much to Ezra's relief. "Alright. Just don't get sunstroke out here. I'll see you later."
"Yeah," the Padawan replied softly as he watched Sabine turn to leave. But before she left, he called out, "Hey, Sabine!" The Mandalorian paused and turned to look at him, eyes curious, and he gave her a half-hearted smile before saying, "Thanks. Really. I … I really appreciated this."
Sabine gave a small smile before her eyes brightened a little. "Then let's spar every day. I can promise you now, though, that I won't be as easy on you as Kanan is."
"And I won't go easy on you either," he replied with a stronger smile, and she nodded to him before turning away again to make her way back to the Ghost.
Ezra watched her go, tracking her across the hot desert sand until she vanished into the shimmering image of the Ghost, small next to the huge fleet ships. Once she was gone from sight, he returned to the shadows of the boulders and sat, taking in as deep a breath as he could. He held it, feeling it expand his lungs and his chest, before he slowly let it out, releasing the strain and he let his gaze slip out onto the vast Atollon desert. It seemed to go on for miles and miles, growing brighter and more blinding as the sun continued to rise, and he found himself drawing peace from the view. It was empty, and void of life, and so vast. It was a little like Lothal in that regard. Large and open, seeming to go on forever.
The Padawan closed his eyes, letting his head rest against the boulder behind him, and continued to breath as he imagined what it would be like to be lost in all that empty space. Lost, with no one to hurt. Lost, where none of his sins or his guilt could find him as they faded into the horizon, and into nothingness. Lost from Kanan, the crew, and the Force.
Lost from himself.
It was the first bit of peace he'd found since coming back. He prayed that it would last.
But he knew it wouldn't.
A/N: Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it! I'd love to hear what you thought about this piece. Next in the series is some awkward time with Zeb. Stay tuned!