The Random Misadventures of Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs
By: Toasty Marshmellow
Disclaimer: we do not own the characters you recognize they all belong to J.K Rowling (yay)
Of Quiddtich Matches and Cold Feet
"Prongs, Prongs, PRONGSIE, Prongsie, Wongsie…" Sirius said in a sing song voice that was getting on the aforementioned person's nerves.
"What do you want you, hairless tit?" James snapped back at his annoying friend.
"Hairless? It was him who left that trail of hair on my only pair of pants yesterday right?" Peter said, shuddering because he had been forced to wear said pants.
"Yes, but that was when he was a dog, you can't possibly be a tit if you're a dog, it's physically impossible," James said in an all-knowing tone.
"Physically impossible, it is physically impossible to be a tit in general…" Remus said, rolling his eyes at his friends.
"Nuhuh, what if you're a girl…" Peter objected.
"I'm not a girl, HOW DARE YE of little genitalia call me a girl, you want to take this outside you big ugly ignoramus!" Sirius said (or shouted, whichever one you prefer).
The three friends stared stupidly at their fourth companion, in shock. Sirius was not the most dedicated person when it came to learning, so it came as a bit of a shock when he used such a… unique word.
"Have you been reading my Shakespeare collection again? I hope you at least didn't rip them this time!"
"Moony!" Sirius whined, "That was in third year! Get over it! Move on with your life, man… or half-man, I guess… Wait, what was that word you used… that began with lick and ended in something dirty…." Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively.
It took the others (Remus) a while to figure out the real meaning of Sirius's definition. They started by removing all traces of dirty thoughts and came up with…
"Oh! You nasty pervert!" James said out loud, realization written all over his face.
"What is it? I don't get it?" Peter tugged at James's tie.
"It's lycanthropy you idiot!" Remus said haughtily.
"You licked what?!" Peter said, sending James and Sirius into peals of somewhat girly giggles. "What?! I don't get it!"
"Lycanthropy is the study of anything pertaining to werewolves," Remus said rolling his eyes at his friends' childishness.
"See! I told you it was licka-somethin' dirty."
"Yes, Sirius. Whatever you say. Do you want a cookie?"
"That depends on the kind of cookie. You see, I'm part- parti- par- I'm picky, okay? The cookie has to be shaped like little people so that I can play with them before I eat." James looked at him oddly before bursting into another fit of giggles, once again oddly girlish. "Oh, not like that, you pervert… though, sometimes, the little gingerbread girls look at me funny… Come to think of it, the boys do, too…" Sirius trailed off thoughtfully.
"Sirius, their eyes are made of frosting-"
"That too… the frosting must be green, or I'll puke it up." Sirius looked around proudly, only to see his friends' disgusted looks. "What?"
"That is nasty, Pads," James said voicing the others thought.
The four made their way across the Hogwarts grounds on their way to the Quidditch stands to watch Hufflepuff play Slytherin.
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"…And Hufflepuff scores!!!" exclaimed Frank Longbottom over the screams of the crowd on every other side except Slytherin.
"That was an incredible dive-roll-pass by Hufflepuff…I could use that…" muttered James as he scribbled furiously in his Quidditch captain log.
"It's really cold, really cold, really frosty, almost arctic out here…" Sirius cried out as Slytherin stole the quaffle.
"SHUTUP, I'm trying to watch the game…if we lose next week I BLAME YOU, Sirius, YOU FOUL BREATHED, PICKY COOKIE EATER!" James said, almost dropping his "Quidditch Captain's Log", which was really an old notebook of Remus's.
"But, I'm COLD!!!" Sirius whined, tugging on James's scarf.
"AGGHHHHHHHHH, you're choking me, you fool!" James choked out.
Sirius continued to whine about the temperature while Remus was trying to teach Peter how to read.
"So you mean the squiggly thing is an S????" Peter said sounding amazed, "I always thought it was a Q…"
"Even I knew that the squiggly thing was an S, gosh Peter how dumb are you?? I mean how else would I spell my name, it would sound odd if it were Qirius!"
"Ummm, Qirius, actually your name would be Qiriuq, I mean there is an S at the end of your name," said Remus " even though really an S is an S so your name is still Sirius."
"Oh My God, Peter has a crush on me…he thinks I'm queer… I mean all these years thinking my name is Qirius, and not to mention the fact that I am devilishly handsome, would have an impact on someone as queer as Peter."
"Hey!" Peter said indignantly. "I isn't- I mean, I'm not queer."
"How did I get stuck sitting next to these idiots???? HOW?" groaned Lily as Sirius tried to run away from Peter stumbling over James and landing square on Lily's lap.
"Hey, Evans… you cold? I'm cold, well not anymore cause your lap is warm and snuggly…" Sirius said trying to get James to look away from the match.
"PADFOOT, I will not look away from this match, I have kept my eyeballs peeled for the last half hour - WITHOUT BLINKING I might add, and you will not… Why are you laughing? You butt licker…" James said his voice getting scarier and scarier with each word.
"HAHAHAHHAhAHAhAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA"
"SHUT UP" screamed James still focusing on the match "SHUT UP."
"HAHaHAHHAHAHAHAHAH all I heard was Balls and Peeled hehehehehehehe…" sniggered Sirius.
James didn't bother replying instead he chucked the first solid object he could find in the general direction of Sirius's voice…
"DAMMIT all to hell! Not my Quidditch log noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" James cried mournfully, "Remus, give me a notebook and pen, you're smart don't you carry these kind of things around… GIVE IT I'm missing valuable plays here."
"Uhhhh James, it's halftime nothing is happening, and I think for the safety of your vision it would be a good idea to blink right about now."
James blinked as his eyes started to water. However, his gaze did not waver from the Quidditch Pitch.
There was silence for a couple of minutes. Then, Lily got up, muttering something about going to find her friends and getting a drink. Then, there was silence again.
"Moony, hold my toes," Sirius whined.
"What??" Remus said looking at him oddly.
"Hold my toes," Sirius repeated, not fazed by the way his friend was looking at him.
"Why?"
"Because they're cold."
"So?"
"So, if they fall off, you'll have to glue them back on."
"Sirius, I can't glue your toes back on if they fall off, which they won't."
"But, you're a werewolf…"
"So?"
"So, you've got claws and fangs…"
"So?"
"So, that should help for something. I mean, what's the use of sprouting hair from every part of your body once a month if they're not good or anything?"
"But, Sirius, you sprout hair from every fiber of your being whenever you transform…"
"Yes, but you have claws and fangs…"
"I still fail to see why that fact is so significant."
"Well, then you're just stupid!"
"I'm stupid?"
"Moony, stop. I think he's delirious with the cold," Peter said, cutting into the odd argument that had broken out between his friends.
"Will you guys be quiet??" James said, angrily, for the match had started up again.
"Moony, will you please hold my toes?"
"No, Sirius."
At that moment, Lily returned from getting her hot chocolate. Sirius looked up at her.
"Lily?"
"What do you want, Black?"
"Will you hold my toes, Lily?"
"No!"
"Well then, will you give me your hot chocolate?"
"Black, why would I give you my hot chocolate?"
"Because, my toes are cold and you drink is hot. So, if you give me your drink, I can pour it on my toes to heat them up," Sirius said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"But, then it would freeze over your toes in a chocolate box," Peter cut in.
"Hehehe… chocolate box…" Sirius snickered to himself, "I would like to eat a chocolate box…I might even eat my chocolate box toes."
"Sirius you will not eat your toes EVER, no matter if they're covered in chocolate or not…" exclaimed Remus at that very odd comment.
"See Moony it would be better if you just HELD MY TOES, then I wouldn't eat them and you wouldn't have to glue them back on!" Sirius proudly said, "So it's better for us all if you just hold my toes."
"Wait, so how will it be better for all of us?" questioned Peter.
"Well, you see if my toes fall off, Moony will have to glue them back on, and you will have to help, Peter, and you will of course get the bad job cause you're…well you, and you just tend to get the bad jobs, I don't know why, I think it's cause you're a rat… and James would suffer because I could not help him with our devious plans if I can't walk… and Lily, Lily would suffer because we'd need glue and lots of it, and who better to ask than the one prepared person we know other than Remus." Sirius said matter-of-factly.
"Wait, why not use Remus's glue?" Lily asked.
"Ummmm, that's a long story involving Peter, Remus's glue and me and James giggling wildly…" Sirius laughed. "You wanna hear it?"
"Actually I'd rather not…" Lily said moving away as Sirius started to talk.
"I'm sure that you wanna hear all about it!" Sirius said, grabbing Lily's hand and pulling her down so that she was sitting next to him. He then launched into a long story that left Lily feeling more confused than enlightened.
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After the game the five Gryffindor sixth years began trooping back up to the castle with the rest of the school. James had retrieved his log and Lily was trying to escape to go find her friends when Sirius suddenly collapsed on top of her.
"Black! What the hell?!" she exclaimed.
"Oooooooooooo! Evans cursed!" Peter taunted.
Everyone turned to look at him.
"Pete, Lily's been cursing since fourth year," James said. "I should know, I was the first one she cursed at."
"Oh yeah I remember that!" Sirius exclaimed. "That was the time you "accidentally" splashed her with Butober Puss. She was in the hospital wing for a week…" Sirius said from his position atop said girl.
As the three remaining upright looked down at Sirius, they looked at the two oddly.
"Why are you on the ground, again?" James asked.
"Because, I can't walk. My toes are too cold."
Remus rolled his eyes and began walking back towards the castle.
"Wait! Moony! Don't leave me!!!" When Remus continued to stalk away, Sirius yelled, "It's your fault that I couldn't walk in the first place!!"
"How is this my fault?" Remus said, finally turning around.
"Because you wouldn't hold my toes!"
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So, this is the first chapter of our incredible story. We will update as soon as possible...
And, yes, you can quote us, we don't mind,
Toasty Marshmellow