The Evil Lex Luthor

Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, don't own Superman or anything related to him.

A/N: This is companion piece to my oneshot "Clark Kent's Archenemy." So, although it's not required to understand this, please read it. And this is meant to be humorous, in my slightly-sarcastic sort of way. Enjoy! ;)

Superman's most nefarious of enemies- his archenemy, you might call him- is none other than the bald, Mr. Clean look-alike Lex Luthor. Sure, there are bunch of other evil guys that just hate all that Superman stands for; Zod, Brainiac, Doomsday, and Darkseid; but not even all of them combined want Superman dead as much as Mr. Luthor.

Clark Kent, on the other hand, doesn't have as nearly formidable enemies. Okay, I guess some people do get annoyed with me whenever I knock into them and spill their coffee or papers while doing my Clark Kent klutz routine, but I didn't have any truly evil enemies for that persona until a while ago.

That archenemy, I am ashamed to say, isn't even a living, breathing being. It is actually an inkjet printer, possibly the more evil inkjet printer that I have ever seen in my life. The Office Space printer doesn't even compare.

Lois, with her penchant for naming things, dubbed this evil thing, in a twist of irony, Lex Luthor.

It all started last year, when I first received Lex- my old printer had broken and Perry White was kind enough to give me a new printer. Except, it wasn't new. It was his old printer that he didn't want, for obvious reasons later to be disclosed.

The morning of the fateful meeting, I arrived on time, which is unusual seeing how most mornings I have to go out and do my thing as the savior of Metropolis. It amazes me how much trouble a city can get into so early in the morning. But maybe its just Metropolis. And Gotham. And New York, I guess, if you want to include that one time…

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I came in, acting extra clumsy. You see, I had realized as I boarded on the elevator that I had forget to change the side of my part from the Superman side to the Clark side. I really wouldn't expect that to make much of a difference, but then again, my disguise is a pair of glasses and my hair parted differently. So, to cover up my blunder, I consciously decided to trip over almost anything, push my glasses up twenty times a minute, and stutter over every spoken word. The normal stuff for the man people know as Clark Kent.

"Hiya, Clark! It looks like the printer fairy has come for you last night!" Jimmy Olsen said cheerfully, popping up out of nowhere, a stupid grin on his face.

I know that Jimmy is just about my only friend, but he is sometimes- okay, most of the time- a bit annoying. So suppressing an oncoming eye roll, I managed a cheesy grin and replied, "Hi Jimmy! Really, I got a new printer? Well, gee, that's just swell!"

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Lois, who had no such reservations on eye-rolling. Apparently, she does not like the word swell. Of course, that just makes me want to use it even more. Its sort of a contest between us, who can annoy the other more. So far, I think I'm winning.

I turned and walked towards my desk, and there it was- the printer of the damned. Of course, I didn't know it then, me being naïve and thinking that there's good in everyone. You'd think that I've learned by now, seeing how apprehend dozens of bad people daily, but I guess I'm just dense.

The first course of action I took was trying to set it up. They should make a movie out of it and call it Mission Impossible 4, it was that hard to set up. It would be perfect, except for the lack of, you know, gun fights and action and stuff.

Finally, as meek as a five-year-old being disciplined, did I ask Lois for help. She, being the gracious helper, laughed in my face and asked how could I survive without her.

Luckily, my pride, however small it might be in my Clark persona, was not hurt, as Lois could not set it up. It was quite educational though, as I learned plenty of new phrases and words and Lois started swearing at the "infernal technological piece of crap," as she said. I admit, I paraphrased a bit. Okay, a lot.

Swallowing her pride, something I know Lois doesn't do lightly, she asked Jimmy for help. And of course, the printer was up and running in the next five minutes. Jimmy's just gifted like that; I think it might have something to do with the amount of kryptonite he has been exposed to. Because, apparently, through no scientific means, lots of kryptonite exposure gives people strange powers.

I heard Lois muttering, "Well, I loosened it…" which made me immediately start laughing. I quickly stopped though, as Lois glared at me.

After hours of technical difficulties, I was finally able to print out the article I wrote last night on my new printer. Proudly I opened up the document, did one last quick look-over, and pressed the print button.

I turned to the computer screen, and an error message was displayed prominently on the screen: "ERROR: PRINTER not connected to computer. Please check connection and try again."

Letting out a breath, I unplugged and re-plugged all the cords and wires connected to the printer, hoping that somehow that it would fix it. To my dismay, the error message repeated itself.

I started kneading my eyes with my fingers; I sensed that it was going to be a long day. In another attempt to fix the connection, I rebooted the computer, something that usually fixes everything else.

As the computer restarted, I looked over at Lois, who was typing intently, pausing only every few minutes to chew on a pen. Apparently the article was giving her a lot of trouble, because she started chewing her pen harder and harder until it broke, ink dripping out onto her white blouse.

I snorted, trying to conceal my laughter. Lois's head snapped over to me and she gave me a look that, if she were me, would have burned a nice hole in my face. But she's not, so my face remains unscathed. She quickly excused herself to the bathroom, and I turned my attention back to the computer.

It had restarted successfully, and so I repeated the process of opening the document and pressing print. To my relief, the printer was connected to the computer finally and the document went through.

I looked at the printer expectantly, waiting for the article to come out. It didn't. I glanced curiously at the printer, and noticed that it gave no signal of receiving any document.

Relying on the tried and true method of fixing all things technological, I smacked it. I smacked it a bit too hard, though, and there was a dent in the side.

Rolling my eyes, I thought, 'Oh great. Now this thing is going to have a grudge against me.'

But the never-failed method worked, and it immediately started printing. And printing. And printing. My article must have printed about twenty times before I found the cancel switch and stopped the printing.

I glared at the machine as I collected the articles and searched in vain for the second part of it. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It seems that the printer only printed the first part, and not the second.

So, because I wasted so much paper from the first attempt at printing, I decided to print on the backside. Wrong idea, because as soon as I attempted to print out the second half, the printer grabbed three sheets and printed the page over the three.

I was ready to light something on fire, I was so mad. When Jimmy came by to ask for my stapler, I'm sure that daggers came out of my eyes, he ran away so scared. Then I sighed, and called out "Jimmy! I'm sorry, I'm just a little frustrated right now…"

Lois, having gotten back from the bathroom with a new shirt on, heard me. "What, still having printer troubles?"

I nodded. "This thing has given me more trouble than Lex Luthor," I said absently.

"What?" Lois asked sharply.

My eyes widened. "No! Er, I mean, more trouble than Lex Luthor gives Superman," I clarified. Once again, I glared at the machine.

Lois giggled a bit, causing me to glare at her. "Okay, okay! So you aren't in the mood for jokes. Jeez…"

Lois leaned over me and started working on the computer, trying to print out the article. "Hmph. Men," she muttered, inaudible to anyone except myself. I just rolled my eyes and held my head in my hands, waiting for the article to print out.

An hour later, Lois was still at it, and I was as bored as a high school student during a lecture about mushrooms. I glanced at my watch, and realized that my deadline was only ten minutes away.

"Um, Lois, is it okay if I just use your printer? I mean, I need to make my deadline…" I trailed off as Lois's head snapped around, her mouth set in a straight line.

"And, I've almost got it… There!" Lois said triumphantly as the printer finally started printing my article.

It was halfway through the second page when… "Damn it!" Lois swore loudly. "Paper jam!"

She just looked at the printer, and then sighed dejectedly. "Okay, you win the battle. But the war is just begun!" She hurried back to her desk and started typing furiously, muttering something about an editorial about evil printers.

I never did get that article printed out. I ended up emailing it to Perry so he could print it out on his own, spiffy printer. Which, due to my five year absence in which sending emails has gotten more and more complicated, took a few hours on its own. But that's a story for another day.

Boy, I sure do hate Lex Luthor.