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TITLE: Instead
AUTHOR: Gracie Kay
DISCLAIMER: Thanks to Paramount for creating the characters so all us loyal fans can have some fun with them—and correct your mistakes. : ) (Now, please, you overly serious readers, don't take offense. I be just kiddin'.)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yet another "missing scene" from Gracie! Sorry, loyal viewers, but that last scene of "Nightingale" was simply unforgivable. So, here is the way you must read this one. Pretend that everything happened up to the point that Harry says, "I'm not a captain—at least, not yet." Instead, for this story, he says angrily, "I'm not a captain." And that's the end of that scene. Cut to: Gracie's story, which takes place later that night. We're back in the mess hall, but time has passed since the last scene. Got it? : )
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Harry didn't quite know what he was doing in the mess hall. He wasn't hungry, it was late, and he had the morning shift. Uncertainly, he wandered over to a table and sat down. The mess hall was empty.
He looked up to see Neelix bustling over to him, enthusiastic grin lighting up the round alien face. "What can I get you tonight, Ensign?" Neelix's eyes gained a mischievous glow as he said, "Do you want to pick, or shall I choose for you?"
Harry smiled, knowing that the barb was meant to make him grin. But he felt a little stab of sadness at that word--The e-word, he thought, as though it were dirty. But I don't deserve anything better.
"Actually, Neelix, I'm really not hungry. I just came here to . . ." To what? Good question. "To think, I guess."
Neelix nodded understandingly. "Well, if you change your mind, just let me know." Then he hurried away, once more behind his counter.
Harry stared out the observation windows at the passing stars. I'm a failure, he thought. I'd never make a good captain. I let everything go to my head, and then I couldn't even control them--the people who were supposed to be my crew.
"You're a real loser, Kim," he muttered to himself.
The doors to the mess hall slid open, but Harry didn't bother looking up to see what restless or crazy person was up as late as he was. In his peripheral vision he could see that Neelix was already on his way across the room to welcome the newcomer.
"Just coffee, Neelix."
Harry whipped around with surprise. Captain Janeway? What was she doing here? Quickly, he turned to stare out the windows again, deciding she might want to be left alone. If their eyes met, she would feel obligated to come and talk to him. Even after that cocky declaration that Ensign Harry Kim should be a lieutenant, he thought angrily. Kim, how could you say that to her? What was wrong with you?
He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, repeating his earlier self-reprimand. "Kim, you're a loser."
"I disagree."
He jumped. She had walked up behind him, and he spun around in his chair and jumped to his feet self-consciously.
She smiled, amused. "At ease, Ensign."
With a sigh, he sank back into his chair. "Sorry, Captain. I mean--you just startled me, that's all."
She didn't answer him, but took the seat next to his and looked toward the window for a moment. "Why do you think you're a failure, Harry?"
He shook his head, angry that she didn't see it. Or pretended not to. "You have my report about what happened on that ship. I couldn't keep them in line. They mutinied. I couldn't even maintain their respect."
"But in the end, you got them safely to the surface of their planet. Wasn't that the objective all along?"
"No! Yes--I don't know." Harry shook his head, frustrated.
"Or was your objective to prove yourself? Did you forget the reason you were assigned to that ship?"
"I . . . maybe I did. Yeah, I guess I know I did." He frowned at his ramblings. "But that just proves again that I'm a failure. I lost my objectivity, I was being self-centered, and I almost got us all killed. Even if I did manage to get their trust back, it doesn't erase the mistakes I made."
"No, it doesn't," she said softly. "I'm not saying that it does, Harry. I'm saying that you're not a complete failure. Everyone has to live with mistakes."
He could see in her suddenly distant eyes that she wasn't referring to his own troubles any longer. Though he knew she wasn't expecting a response to the implied meaning of her statement, he tried to think of something to say.
"I guess . . ." He paused as she turned to look him in the eye again. "I guess I'm just not cut out to be a captain, after all."
Her smile was melancholy, and he noticed for the first time how tired she looked. "Don't give up on your aspirations because of one mistake, Harry. Instead . . . learn from it. And don't make the same mistake again."
He nodded, feeling a peace wash over all his self-inflicted guilt and degradation. "Thanks, Captain. I--I appreciate it."
She nodded with another small smile, seeming to know exactly what "it" was even if he didn't himself. "I think you'd better get some sleep, Ensign. Don't you have the early shift tomorrow?"
A grin spread over his face, and he knew he would have no trouble getting to sleep now. "I sure do. Goodnight, Captain."
"Goodnight, Harry."
He left the mess hall still grinning; but as the doors slid aside for his exit, he turned his gaze back to their table. The captain still sat with coffee mug in hand, a solitary figure against the backdrop of the observation windows, gazing at the stars.