Batpig Brilliance
The Caped Crusader Gets Groovy
I'm not even going to tell you Gotham City is screwed because we all know it is. Today's episode on 24-7 reruns is that five second clip of Yolei flirting with Shurimon (a.k.a. Slinkymon). Gag. At least it isn't Michael, who sounds like Dudley Do-Right. Instead, I'm getting right to Turkey Wall Manor, where the Caped Crusader is asleep…or so he thought.
"Thump, thump, thump, THUD! CRASH!"
Patamon woke out a sound sleep, and right in the middle of his favorite dream too. For once, it's about an actual digimon and not a food item. The little pig has the hots for Angewomon, woo hoo.
"Somebody's raiding the fridge downstairs," Patamon mumbled to himself. Then he gasped. "I left all my Halloween candy in the fridge!"
Patamon jumped out of bed and dashed down the hall to where Biyomon had set up her "Chicken Coop of Solitude."
"Biyomon! Get up! Somebody's raiding the fridge downstairs!" he shouted, pounding on the door.
"Ugh, go away Patamon. It's probably Joe."
"But I sent Joe home early so he could study for his test! And whoever is down there is going to get our Halloween candy!"
"WHAT?!"
Biyomon was outta the coop and downstairs faster than you can say "digiport open," with Patamon at her heels.
"Shouldn't we get the Batpig Baseball Bat or something?" Patamon whispered.
"Hello? You keep forgetting, we're digimon."
"Oh, right."
Screaming like Van of Escaflowne (they cancelled it *sob*), they charged, smashing headfirst into…
"WIZARDMON?!"
"Ow! Dammit, what the hell did you do that for?"
"But…but you're supposed to be dead!" Patamon whimpered, cowering.
"Uh, no. I only play dead so I don't have to make a complete idiot out of myself in front of the others."
"So what are you doing up?" Biyomon asked.
"I'm having a roast beef sandwich, unless Patamon's been making out with the bread again."
"Nope…but I thought you didn't have a mouth."
Just then the Batpig Signal blinked on.
"Never fails. Can I take my sandwich with me?" Wizardmon asked, slathering extra mayo on.
"As long as it doesn't get on the upholstery in the Batpigmobile, I just had it cleaned. To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!" Patamon said, opening the secret door to the Batpig Cave.
Even at two AM, we still get the Batpig Theme.
"Yes! For once our costumes aren't screwed!" Biyomon cheered. "Oh, and I call shotgun!"
"Damn you," Wizardmon (who's not dead) snapped.
~*~
"Nice costumes, guys," Sora pointed out as they sat in Gotham City Police HQ.
"Huh?"
Oh yeah, they're wearing Superman capes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle masks and they didn't notice this sooner?
"Anyway, we have another huge problem in the city."
"Is Michael running around dressed up as Dudley Do-Right the Canadian Mountie?"
"Is Ken selling those goofy sunglasses of his as a designer brand?"
"Did Yolei actually ask Shurimon out?"
"Did Submarimon spring a leak?"
"Is Mimi dying her hair blue?"
"Is Jun a Digidestined?"
"No, no, no, no, no, no, and no! Relax; it's not that bad! There are killer lawn gnomes roaming Gotham City and smacking people with their shovels and plowing them down with their little wheelbarrows!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh," the Caped Crusaders sighed.
"Don't worry, Commissioner, we're on our way! Right, Dead Wonder?"
"Don't ask me, I'm supposed to be dead."
"Having you alive is too weird. Let me kill you and then everything can be normal," Biyomon said.
Five minutes later…
"O Fearless Leader, you've been driving around for five minutes with the windshield wipers on. In case you haven't noticed, it's not raining," Wizardmon, who's still not dead, pointed out.
"I'm aware of it, Dead Wonder. Batpig Girl hit the thingy trying to change the presets."
"Then fix it!"
Biyomon leaned over after that. "I liked him better dead. Can I kill him, please?"
"No."
"Damn you."
~*~
Within minutes the Caped Crusaders were on the site, ready to deal with the many lawn gnomes plaguing the city. But first, Patamon stopped at a Dunkin Donuts to get a Coolata and they changed into their usual costumes.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am really annoyed by everyone pronouncing my name as 'Pahtamon.' I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl!"
"And I'm the Dead Wonder, who's not really dead but humor me here."
The leader of the lawn gnomes stepped forward, his little wheelbarrow squeaking.
"I am David the Gnome, and you cannot stop me, Batpig."
"Oh yeah? Batpig kick! Hi-ya!"
Patamon attempted to kick the lawn gnome, but since he was made of concrete all he ended up doing was breaking his toes.
"OW! I didn't think the lawn gnomes were really concrete!"
"You people make us gnomes sick. Always making us stand next to those ridiculous plastic pink flamingoes and bumping us with the lawnmower! Now we're taking over, and if you try to stop us, Batpig, we will turn your little girlfriend here into a novelty wooden cutout."
"What girlfriend?" Batpig asked.
David snapped his little concrete fingers and two lackeys pulled Gatomon out from the crowd.
"Wizardmon! Help me!"
"That's not my girlfriend, that's his girlfriend," Batpig sneered.
"Oh no?" David asked. The gnomes smacked Gatomon with their shovels until she was wicked pissed off.
"Gatomon, digivolve to…Angewomon!"
"NOOOOOOOO! Angewomon!"
"Hey, did you know he had a crush on Angewomon?" Wizardmon, who's still not dead, hissed.
"Nope. I thought he was going out with a jar of marmalade."
"Batpig Girl, what sort of super-duper Batpig gizmos do we have today?"
"None! Gomamon and Veemon borrowed them for their Austin Powers fanfic which still hasn't been written!"
Would you stop picking on me? I have thirty thousand other fics to write, plus I have to maintain over a 4.0 GPA!
"I thought 4.0 was the max," Batpig Girl pointed out.
Not if you're taking AP freshman courses. Now, since I'm the generous author I'll give you a lifeline. You can phone Gomamon and Veemon and request one and only one of your Batpig gizmos.
"One? How are we supposed to pick?" Batpig asked.
"I'll call. Hang on," Batpig Girl said, grabbing the Batpigmobile Car Phone.
"This is D.O.P.E., Digimon Organized Protection Establishment. If you'd like to make a date with Austin Veemon, press one now. If you'd like to make a date with Gomamon Powers, press two now. If you'd like to speak to the International Mon of Mystery, press three now."
Batpig Girl pressed three and suffered through ten minutes of elevator hold music.
"Gomamon Powers, International Mon of Mystery. WAZZZZZZZUP?"
"Not now, Gomamon. I need your help."
"Oh, Batpig Girl. Has Kawaii Li'l Lia decided to do the fic yet?"
I'm getting to it! Maybe you should write my book report and then I'll have time for your fic.
"I take that as a no. Whaddya need?"
"We're only allowed one Batpig utility do-hickey to fight a hoard of irate lawn gnomes that have kidnapped Angewomon and threaten to turn her into a novelty wooden cutout. I don't know which one to pick, and neither does Wizardmon, who's not dead!"
"Okay, I'll start listing. Batpig Carton of Tangerines, Batpig Scalpel, Batpig Book Cover, Batpig Milk Carton, Batpig Hot Fudge Sundae, Batpig Throw Pillow, Batpig Pajamas, Batpig B52, Batpig Umbrella, Batpig Pair of Socks, Batpig Japanese Catch Phrases That the Author will Use because She Wants To, Batpig Lawn Sprinkler, Batpig Colored Pencils, Batpig Monkey Cage, Batpig Gatling Gun, Batpig Barf Bag, Batpig Sidewalk Chalk, Batpig Jump Rope…"
"Send over the Gatling Gun, we'll try that. If it doesn't work, come over yourselves."
Batpig Girl tossed Batpig the Gatling Gun and Batpig began peppering the lawn gnomes with bullets. They chipped and concrete bits flew off of them.
"Ow! I got some in my eyes!" Batpig Girl moaned.
"Patamon, it's too dangerous! Get out while you still can!" Angewomon hollered.
"I'll save you, my precious!"
"Oh man, he's starting to sound like Davis," Wizardmon sighed. The Gatling Gun didn't do a whole lot of damage to the lawn gnomes, and Batpig was getting fed up.
"Here's a concept, Patamon, why don't we just give up and digivolve or something?"
Patamon turned and plugged Wizardmon full of bullets. Angewomon screamed, devolved to Gatomon and ran over to him.
"Oh my God, you killed Wizardmon!"
"I'm not dead yet."
"You seriously injured him!"
"I'm getting better."
"Okay, I'm tired of this stupidity. Biyomon, digivolve to…Birdramon!"
"ACK! You've defeated the purpose of Batpig!" Patamon hollered.
"Do you really want to go against me?" Birdramon asked. Patamon gulped. "Meteor wing!"
The lawn gnomes didn't do anything. Here's a thought: maybe Birdramon would be more intimidating if she wasn't a giant bird with crooked teeth. I mean, if a giant bird is going to have teeth, they should at least be straight. Maybe we should get her braces.
"Wizardmon, are you going to be okay?"
"Yes, Gatomon. I'll be all right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have lawn gnomes to explode." The Not-So-Dead Wonder walked over to the head lawn gnome.
"So, you're going to try too, you lame excuse for a Harry Potter wannabe?" David the Gnome taunted.
"NOBODY DISSES HARRY POTTER! Magical game!"
A/N: For those of you who could never understand Wizardmon, it is officially "magical game."
David the Gnome exploded, and the other gnomes went back to being lawn gnomes.
"Batpig saves the day again!" Patamon shouted. Biyomon (she had just devolved) rolled her eyes.
"Uh-huh, right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get our stuff back from Gomamon and Veemon, then I have to go home and tidy up the Chicken Coop of Solitude. I'm having Hawkmon over."
"The loser belt bird? Girl, I don't know how you can like him!" Gatomon sighed.
"Well look who you're fawning over! A dead wizard with no mouth!"
~*~
Sometime later, at Turkey Wall Manor…
"Are you going back to being dead now, Wizardmon?" Patamon asked.
"Eh, I dunno."
"Well if you're not going to be dead anymore, let us know so you don't give me a heart attack." Patamon got out of his armchair and looked in a mirror.
"What are you doing?" Biyomon asked.
"I have a date tonight."
"Do we dare ask with whom?" Wizardmon inquired.
"A can of Dunkin Hines frosting…with the little sprinkles."
"Wizardmon, how about you be the dense leader?"
"Why?"
"Because I'm about to make Patamon the dead one!"
~*~
And Wizardmon is still not dead…yet.