Waiting For The End
One of the things I actually love about my job is the fact that I have kind of an insider's look at so many people's lives. Sure, most of them are terribly pathetic and/or boring, but I haven't been able to pay my cable bill in months, so this sort of makes up for it. I don't have a lot of friends, but I've ended up closer to my customers than most of their real friends probably are. I know everything about them—everything that matters, anyway. For example, whenever that awkward guy with long hair and a band shirt buys a dollar comic per week, he has a steady girlfriend. Things are going south for him whenever he buys more than one, and if he spends any part of his paycheck on merch, well, he's getting desperate.
I was never very interested in Leonard Hofstadter until Penny came along. The man was just the same as the other customers, and so were his friends, for the most part, with the obvious exception of Sheldon. Nobody is quite like Sheldon. Right, Penny coming along, with her gorgeous hair and eyes and legs and, okay, everything (the woman was flawless), dates me a bit, dates Leonard a bit, blah blah blah.
I was never surprised about Penny dating Leonard, really. I would have been surprised if they'd lasted, but sure enough, one day Penny stopped coming and Leonard bought the biggest stack of comic books this side of San Diego. Was I an itsy bitsy bit happy? Well, yeah. Who wouldn't be? No reason for Leonard to have such a charmed life. Of course, this meant that I'd never see Penny again (or any woman of equivalent hotness), but that's life for you. My life, anyway. My delightful little existence.
Some days I think maybe I should OD a little less on the sarcasm and a little more on something stronger. Not that I have the money for it, so moot point, I suppose.
Still, I was sure that it would be a chilly day down in Hades before little miss Penelope would show her face in my store/life again. So that was why I choked (literally, I'm afraid) on my bottle of tap water when she strode in, with gorgeous everything, winning smile, sunlight in her hair, blah blah blah, holding the door open for the geekiest geek who had ever geeked in my comic store: Sheldon Freaking Cooper.
(Official reports state that his middle name is Lee, but Freaking is so much more apt).
"So only fifteen minutes, right?" she said, in that stupid little sing-song that, yes, was kind of crazy adorable.
Sheldon sniffed. He sniffed in reply. I would have criticized him (meekly and mentally), but apparently Sheldon was more popular than I am, so whatever. I'll deal with that depressing truth on my own time. Anyway, Sheldon sniffed. "Penny," he replied, insufferably. "I gave you my word."
I just watched mutely as Penny held up some T-shirts to herself and Sheldon browsed through the comics. Nothing can be said. I need to make some tea. The apocalypse is obviously upon us.
Okay, this is all coming off really anti-Sheldon. I've got nothing against the guy. I think he's an absolute loon, but I've got nothing against him. It just seems a little unfair that this is a man who has more safety protocols than most hospitals, waltzing in here with Miss Nebraska on his arm, when I'm in here, relatively normal (at least not insane, am I right?) and I haven't had a date since Lost went off the air.
But I digress. Eventually, Penny came up and said a couple of things to me, mostly just "hey-how-are-you", as I did my best to smile. This was a one time thing, a guilt trip that turned into an actual trip. No biggie. Sheldon walks out of here with the sanitized bag in hand and it doesn't happen again. That's what I figured. And I was right.
For a whole week, anyway. Until Penny slipped back into the store, swinging a bag from one hand. Sheldon held the door. I decided at that moment that this was certainly an alternate universe. Maybe, I thought with hope, in this universe I can rock a checkered suit.
It never hurts to dream, right?
It took a little longer for them to leave this time. She hung around him as he carefully paged through the comics, occasionally picking one up or asking some question. He would reply, actually looking up from what he was doing. One time, I swear, he even smiled. Sheldon Cooper, smiling at his beautiful blonde neighbor like a schoolboy with a crush.
No. Wait. Could it be? I shook my head—Sheldon, standing at the counter, muttered something about tics. Just trying to clear the crazy out, dude. There is no way that he's capable of...and even if so, she wouldn't...
I really need to get my cable back.
Next week, the same thing happened. She giggled some more, kind of constantly, and sent me some kind of look that I was obviously supposed to be able to decipher. Guess what, Penny? I don't have freaking social skills! That's why I run a comic store! Jeez!
When I got home, I looked at my blank TV screen and thought. I had to ask what was going on if she showed up with Sheldon again. I was going to go absolutely bonkers if I didn't, and then I'd end up in some nuthouse. Huh, I wonder if they let you have cats there? Probably not. Yep, definitely had to ask her.
Like I was starting to anticipate, she strutted into the comic book store in an unusually good mood. I looked up from the issue I was desperately pretending to read. She was toying with a white "The Flash" tee, a somewhat smug smile resting on her super hot face.
"Hi...Penny..." I tried, doing my best to sound casual. She looked up and grinned.
"Oh, hi, Stuart! How are you?" Why the heck was she pleased as punch? She looked like the cat that had caught the mouse.
I have got to stop reading crappy romance novels, they're screwing with my similes.
"I'm good," I said. Cool. I am cool. Cool as...cool whip. "So, uh, I notice that you've, you know, been around here lately, and I was wondering, uh...it's just kind of funny, you always here with Sheldon and everything and...you know, people talk. They said you two are, you know...dating?" Wow. Blatant lying, now. Oh, how the not-really-mighty have fallen.
I halfway expected her to laugh, but Penny just nodded. "Yeah. That's pretty much right."
"'Dating' is an overly popularized term for a social paradigm that fails entirely at describing our relationship," Sheldon put in (how did I not notice him moving up to the counter?). "As are the words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'. I am a boy, and I have been her friend for quite some time, yet only now am I considered her boyfriend. This is an inefficient method of description. I will be buying this."
"And this," Penny said, putting the T-shirt on top of the graphic novel. Sheldon glared.
"You don't know if anybody has touched that! Don't desecrate—"
As for me, I was pretty sure I had a fever.
Turned out later that I was legitimately sick. In bed coughing for almost a week without cable. Now that's brutal. I stewed over the paradox I'd witnessed. Maybe I had been hallucinating, but no, when Sheldon dropped off a fruit basket (his idea of social protocol, apparently), the card was signed by both of them. Well, isn't that just...dandy.
They came in every week. I knew it couldn't last. I'd say to myself (who else would listen?), "They're gonna break up soon." I just sat there in the store, watching others' lives go by, waiting for the end of "Shenny", as Raj had affectionately called them. Or I guess it was affectionate. I really wasn't sure what any of the guys thought about this. I didn't even know what I thought, except that it was freaking weird.
She called him "babe" now, and he didn't seem to mind. One time that I know of for sure, she cosplayed. Star Trek. They even held hands, in public, no less, no gloves involved. Like I said. Freaking. Weird.
A year went by. I probably should have realized something, but I was busy. Had an actual girlfriend, for one thing, and I could finally afford cable. Don't know if any of that was cause-and-effect. Still, in the back of my mind, I still was expecting the end of "Shenny", until one day Penny came into the store alone, all aflutter. All right, yeah, I still read some crappy romance novels. Anyway, she held out her hand for me to see.
I congratulated her, and told her the Green Lantern T-shirt she'd come in to buy ("for the honeymoon", she said, a thought I never wanted to have, ever) was on the house.
I probably should have seen this coming all along.
End Notes: Is my Stuart voice terrible? When was the last time I wrote in FPOV? I don't even know, man. My Shenny "babe" fetish resurfaces.