Will Schuester had decided that after the heartwarming success of last year's Christmas visit to the homeless shelter, New Directions should participate in regular charity events. "We need to give back, especially after our victory at Nationals!" he told the group, which was smaller than usual due to all of the graduates. He didn't tell them that part of his strategy for populating the chairs was incorporating an element of public service, which would count as part of the mandatory volunteer hours each McKinley High student was required to log in order to graduate. Principal Figgins had somewhat surprisingly agreed to the plan, over Sue Sylvester's objections.
"Great idea!" Blaine Anderson said. "We did outside performances all the time in the Warblers! I can pull some strings at the senior center..."
"Nuh-uh," pouted Sugar Motta. "I don't want to hang around musty old people all day. What about an animal shelter? I usually get purebreds, but the Instagram pics will be precious!"
"Actually, I have already selected our first charity event: the Lima Ranch for Disadvantaged Children," Will said. They provide equestrian therapy for kids with mental and emotional disabilities."
Brittany Pierce perked up: "You mean they're actors, Mr. Schue?" Tina Cohen-Chang rolled her eyes. "They ride horses."
Will continued: "As we agreed as a club at the beginning of this semester, the role of leader alternates each week. This week is Blaine's, so he gets to choose the song." Artie Abrams and Sam Evans groaned loudly. Wade "Unique" Adams whispered questions to Tina, wondering why the two boys were dreading his selection.
Blaine ran to the front of the room. "I have just the thing! It even fits the theme of the event. Artie, you'll be doing lead vocals." For some reason, the bespectacled senior had mixed feelings about it. Tina protested when she heard a rumor about the song selection, but she was told to wait for her turn.
The McKinley jazz band was getting into a nasty groove. Parents and children of all ages were enjoying the performance on the makeshift stage.
Artie's voice boomed out of speakers placed throughout the ranch.
"If you're horny, let's do it"
It finally sank in for the members of New Directions. Tina and Artie, although performing "Push It" in a high school auditorium was far less awkward.
"Ride it, my pony"
Sam chuckled between providing backup vocals: "This reminds me of my White Chocolate days. It was one of the most popular requests at the strip club."
"My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it!"
Artie was a consummate professional. Tina couldn't help but get just a little turned on from hearing his voice make love to the Ginuwine song, before snapping out of it because she was both in a family event and still technically dating Mike Chang.
Will had a horrified look on his face; he had been so busy planning his wedding to Emma Pillsbury that he had left the glee club to their own devices. He was unfamiliar with Blaine's past inappropriate song selections—Kurt was still in Lima for a few more days and could've told him about the time he sang about sex toys to a poor minimum-wage Gap employee.
Sugar suggested that they salvage their reputations by gluing horns to the horses and pretending they were unicorns, hoping that the children understood the word "horny" in a non-sexual context. "My dad can get a helicopter drop of them here in five minutes!"
Once they finished (and Sam had to carry Artie's wheelchair off the temporary wooden stage), the glee club dreaded the inevitable dressing down by the ranch's owner. The irony is that nobody had paid attention to their song; a pony had had a bowel movement the size of its head on the other side of the property.
Themed song selections were officially banned from future New Directions charity events, and Blaine was never allowed to pick group numbers again.