Fleeting Comfort
Full Summary: After a traumatic resurrection, Buffy struggles to redefine herself in a life she never wanted and deal with the guilt her friends' constantly create. As she lives out her own personal "Hell", she's contacted by her old flame, Angel, who was just told of her coming back to life. Overwhelmed and needing an escape, Buffy gives in to their intense desire to see each other. The reunion sparks a forlorn Buffy to open about her resurrection and stripped peace, putting their talk in an interesting direction ...
Main Pairings: Pretty intense, heavy B/A in this story. Not much of a surprise, I guess lol. Not much of other pairings, besides some implied Spuffy, but it's pretty subtle given the time and place of the story. As always if you don't like the pairings, don't read or complain. I don't like pairing complaints in my stories.
Timeline: Early Season 6 of Buffy and Season 3 of Angel crossover after BtVS episode "Flooded" and Atvs episode "Carpe Noctem", but before "Life Serial" and "Fredless".
Disclaimer: No ownage of Buffyverse here. 'Cause if I did, the B/A crossover would be on-screen, Fred never would've died, and Faith would've been more of a main character besides one season of Buffy and a few crossovers because I absolutely adore her.
A/N: I was inspired to write this during my re-watch of the two shows. I got so tired of trying to guess what happened what actually happened between Angel and Buffy and just decided to write my own interpretation. There's a lot of fanfics of this out there by other B/Aers, but none of them really satisfied me (No offense to the writers, I'm just picky!) So viola! Cue this two-shot. Damn Joss and those rivaling episodes for not doing an episode out of it and making me improvise! -_- Anyway, I hope you like the story as much as I enjoyed writing it!
OCCness is a big no-no for my writings, so if you see any obvious examples, please point them out! Thanks! :)
Dead
~~Buffy~~
Buffy Summers stood stiffly outside a dimly-lit café, rubbing her shoulders as her eyes darted anxiously. Her thin, beige jacket seemed to offer little resistance against the cold, though she wasn't sure if it was that or the faint nervous tingle she was finally beginning to feel again.
The blonde surveyed the area with something close to relief. It wasn't crowded. Buffy just didn't ... she didn't do crowds. Hell, if she was really honest with herself, she didn't do people either. It was nice to be alone and not have to worry about how to act or how not to act (in that case around her friends).
Funny. I used to consider myself a people person. Buffy reflected dully, beginning an ironic smile but too dead to complete it.
My friends ... it's so unbearable being around them lately. It just kills me more and more. She thought, ashamed she was so glad to be away. They were her friends, right? Had been for years. But lately, ever since her resurrection, something just wasn't quite the same. The harder she tried to be herself, the more disconnection she felt from them and everything she was supposed to care about.
They brought me back. My own friends. In this ... this Hell.
The realization kept echoing in the caverns of her mind, louder and louder. She should've been happy. She got her life back ... but after Heaven, what was it worth? All she could see was the harshness, the sacrifices, and the pain ... and the deep cold.
The slayer sighed wearily. Just look at the direction of her thoughts. Once upon a time she would've kicked her own ass for even thinking this for a second. What happened to that Buffy? Only two years before that Buffy still existed and now she felt like a completely different person.
I gotta get that off my mind. I'm not here to flog and punish over how much I don't care lately. And really, who does repression better than me?
She forcibly reminded herself of why she was here. This was an escape. An escape she desperately needed, even for one night. He would make it easier.
She hoped.
Buffy looked around. Angel still wasn't here. Had she come too early? Buffy wouldn't put it past herself. She had, after all, left her house in a big "I'd-rather-be-anywhere-but-here" way, but she just ... she needed to see Angel again. If only it was that simple.
I want Angel to be here, like he was last time, but ... Buffy trailed off, strangled with mixed feelings. Very few things comforted her as much as being held by Angel, but there was a part of her that was afraid. She didn't want him to see her like this: cold and dead, like even the smallest setback would blow her right over. She wasn't the same Buffy he fell in love with. Not anymore. Would he see her any differently if he knew?
Shame flooded Buffy as she imagined Angel forgetting her. Losing his affection for her because she wasn't who he thought she was. The image was so searing that for a second, she nearly backed out of seeing him. It was too painful to stand in front of him as a broken, defective shadow of herself. She couldn't bear it.
Angel doesn't know where I really was ... That I was in Heaven. How can I tell him something like that? Buffy thought anxiously.
Everyone thought she was so screwed up because of a hell dimension and it sure as hell beat the alternative: the truth. 'Hey, I'm a black pit of a mess and just want to be in the ground because none of you are good enough. No hard feelings though, right?' She mocked, bitter.
If she did tell Angel, he'd worry unhealthily over her. That is, if he wasn't disillusioned first. Neither option was appealing. Why would she want to tell him any of that? God knows why she had even told Spike. But ... should she tell him?
Buffy sighed. She wasn't sure and she wasn't going to care. All she knew was that Angel was the only person in the world that could make her feel the faintest bit like herself again and that's all that mattered.
And so the blonde slayer waited.
She stiffened as she finally saw Angel's black Plymouth GTX pull up. Her heartbeat involuntarily sped up, seized with anxious anticipation. This was it. She was going to see Angel again after so long. Another intense, overwhelming reunion. God, was she ever going to get used to this?
Angel got out of his car. His dark gaze flitted erratically around the café until it landed on Buffy.
He froze. Their eyes met. A tense, emotionally-charged moment passed, staring at each other.
Buffy started to approach first. Then Angel practically lunged toward her. The slayer automatically halted, startled as he rushed over as if a matter of life or death. Before she knew it the vampire was in front of her, his eyes tracing every line of her body as if he expected her to vanish and dissolve in a puff of smoke. Emotion glistened in his eyes, but still he said nothing.
Uncomfortable under Angel's "deer in the headlights" look, Buffy resisted the urge to shift nervously and avoid his eyes. He was obviously in shock seeing her alive and well. Well, alive at least. And it wasn't like she knew what to say either. Buffy wasn't exactly what you'd call social savvy these days.
"Buffy ... " He finally choked out, his voice barely a whisper.
Now that she knew how to answer to. "Angel." The Slayer returned, a small smile curving her lips.
Suddenly the vampire pulled her into a crushing hug, making Buffy let out a soft yelp of surprise. Angel only tightened his hold, drawing her as close as he possibly could between their barrier of clothes. "Buffy ... you're alive. You're really alive." He murmured into her hair, giving a feather-soft kiss. "I couldn't let myself believe it until I saw you."
Buffy stood in the embrace with strain, uncomfortable by the vice-like strength of his grip. Far less gentle than the average Angel hug. If she wasn't The Slayer, it'd hurt a hell of a lot more. "Easy, Angel. The non-fangy people still need to breath." She forced out.
The souled vampire got the hint and loosened his grip, but didn't let go. Finally he pulled back, keeping his hands on her arms. He was staring at her as if he hadn't seen her in a hundred years. Buffy met his gaze steadily, not at all unnerved by the familiar intensity and emotion held in those dark brown depths.
Angel smiled, gently brushing a lock of hair out of her face. "... I thought I lost you forever."
Buffy was silent a moment, the two just staring at each other. " ... I'm back." She said simply, managing a slight curve of a smile. I'm really back. She reiterated in her head, her ghost of a smile dropping as it sunk in. No more peace. No more Heaven. No more happiness.
The vampire moved closer to the slayer, his head bent slightly as if to kiss her. As soon as he looked into Buffy's eyes though, he stopped himself. She noticed a change in his eye. It was more worried, more concerned. The moment was gone.
"Buffy ..." Angel began.
The blonde sighed. "Can we not yet?" She was fully aware of how exhausted she sounded. "We'll ... talk, okay? But not here. I need to sit down first." Buffy turned away, heading to the café behind him. "We'll order cappuccinos, all foamy and stuff. Whoever said you can't have coffee at night clearly aren't that flexible."
Angel hesitated, but the slayer kept on walking. When she sensed him noiselessly follow after her, only one thought was on her mind.
This is gonna be a long night ...
####
Buffy stared awkwardly down at her small cup of coffee, avoiding Angel's eyes. Here they were. Post-resurrection. At a café between L.A. and Sunnydale. Alone (which so did not make it a date). About to have a conversation a part of her was terrified to have and another part begged for. Yep, this was going to be funnn.
The blonde slayer knew exactly what Angel wanted to ask her. It was written all over his face. Well, that and common sense. Who wouldn't want to know where she was when she died and how damaged she was from the experience? On top of that, Angel was ... well, Angel.
Moments passed. Angel was staring at her with intense scrutiny and she didn't even need to look at him directly to feel it.
"You look good. You look the same ... which is good." He said lamely.
Buffy said nothing. She felt so very far from good on the inside, let alone the same. She forced herself to look at him and tried to smile. "I'm good, I'm here. With a pulse and fresh six-foot under perspective."
"Buffy ..."
The blonde gripped her cup tighter. Her nervousness was building. "... Do you think coffee was a bad idea? 'Cause, y'know, with coffee, everything's too casual. And then suddenly it goes all kablooey and you have to glue back the pieces, but you can't 'cause it never really sticks." Buffy babbled in a nonsensical rush. "Coffee bad. It's ... badness." She muttered.
Angel blinked at her. "I don't think coffee's the issue." He stated, a shadow of an amused smile playing on his lips. His expression sobered too soon though and she was back under his broody microscope. "Something's off about you. You're more ..."
"Dead?" Buffy offered, giving him an emotionless look.
He didn't deny it.
"Willow told me what happened. That you were ... in Hell." He began reluctantly. He looked at her, his deep brown eyes filled with conflict. "I don't expect you to tell me what it did to you, Buffy. I've been there. It wasn't exactly my favorite field trip either." There was a distance to Angel's features, but he reached out and squeezed her hand. "But you'll get through this. You always do."
Overwhelmed, the slayer couldn't bring herself to look at him. No, Angel. I can't this time. She thought despairingly. She couldn't understand for the life of her how Angel and her friends can believe in her so completely and if she was completely honest with herself ... a part of her never had.
"And ..." The vampire started again, snapping Buffy out of her miserly daze. Guilt shone in Angel's eyes and the slayer instinctively tensed. "When you died ... I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should've been. Maybe if I was, I could've done something to stop it."
For a moment Buffy didn't know what to say. He just looked so haunted.
He must've gone through so much when I died ... Buffy thought, feeling her own guilt. Her loved ones had been so torn up over her passing. While they had been grieving, she had been happy and at peace. Now she was the one miserable while they were just glad she was back.
I'm such a terrible person. Buffy thought shamefully. Every one of them deserved better than her. Maybe even Spike.
Not sure she could handle another Angel guilt montage without bursting into tears, the blonde forced herself to respond. "Even if you were there, Angel, it wouldn't have changed what happened. I couldn't just let my sister die in that portal. It was my choice. I knew what I had to do so I did it." Her tone was surprisingly calm.
Making the decision to sacrifice herself for Dawn and the world ... she had felt no pain over it the moment she realized. It had just felt right. Like every piece of a twenty-year old puzzle finally fitting together. It was like ... nothing was confusing anymore. I just knew. And I was finally finished. She thought wistfully, thinking that might've been the first time she ever had that kind of clarity. Yet, in her heart Buffy knew she could never tell Angel or her friends that. They didn't need to know she had that kind of easy acceptance without a hint of regret or resentment. Like she once had, when she went to face The Master. Maybe they would've realized how far gone she was even back then.
Angel gave her a long, sad look. "I would've done something. Stopped it from reaching that point. If I could've been there ... " He broke off with a shake of his head, looking tortured. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. You didn't deserve this. If I could take away all your memories of it, I would."
He sounded so sincere and guilt-ridden. Like Spike that first night she was brought back. It just made it all harder.
He's not ... he still thinks I was in Hell. She wished she had been went to a hell dimension. At least then she'd have an excuse to be like this. If Angel keeps going on about hell dimensions ... I can't do this. She thought, distressed.
Buffy bit her lip nervously. She had to tell Angel the truth. There was no way she could deal with this and hide it all night. As terrified and ashamed as she was, he deserved to know she hadn't been wasting away in some hell dimension like he had been. Maybe he might feel more relieved. For a second.
"It ... wasn't." She murmured, voice soft.
"Wasn't what?" Angel asked, expectant.
Buffy hesitated. A part of her didn't want to tell him, but she had to. Anything was better than listening to Angel talk about hell dimensions all night. Gathering up bits of her resolve, she raised her head with lifeless eyes. "I wasn't in Hell." She admitted, completely expressionless.
The vampire pulled back, an incredibly perplexed look on his face. "Willow said—"
"Wil skipped a few pages in the Alternate Dimensions Guide. She didn't read too much into it before bringing me back. I wasn't being tortured or any of that stuff really. Where I was ... it was peaceful. Bright. I'm not an expert on dimensions ... but I think I was in Heaven." Buffy confessed, feeling hollow inside.
Angel said nothing for a long time. He stared at her intensely, eyes narrowed. " ... You didn't tell her." He finally said, saying like a fact.
"I can't, Angel." Buffy murmured, shaking her head. "Wil didn't know where I was when she did the spell. It's not like ... like she wanted me to be miserable. She just wanted me back. I can't let her know the truth. It's better for her to think she saved me, not the other way around."
Despite everything she truly meant that. A part of her did resent and blame Willow and the others for throwing her back into this hell that was her life, but even at her most bitter she could never forget the truth. She was the problem, not them. The only thing they could be blamed for was loving her too much.
"Miserable?" Angel was bewildered. In the midst of a few seconds cold realization started to dawned in his eyes and Buffy looked away.
"You never wanted to be brought back. To us." The souled vampire sounded pained.
The slayer still refused to look at him. If she could've sunk through the floor right then, she would've. She could only imagine what Angel must be thinking, the horror he felt. All because she wasn't Buffy. The old her that would cling desperately to life, ready to face any challenge that came her way. Now she hated her life, she hated herself, and all she wanted was to be at peace. But everyone else? They loved her too much to let her go.
A hand grabbing hers forced her to look up at Angel's face. "Buffy ... what ...?" He looked so confused. Buffy could've choked on the pity she was feeling for him then.
"I was finally happy. I didn't have to worry about taking care of everyone or when the next apocalypse was around the corner. I knew all of you were safe. Nothing mattered anymore. I was ... free. I never knew what a relief it would be. And then it was gone." Buffy choked up, near-tearful as her grief spilled over. "Now it's back to being the Chosen One. Being the grown-up. Everything here is unbearable. I just ... can't anymore. It's-it's too much."
Angel drew his hand away. Buffy burned with shame when she saw the look in his face. Then white-hot fear jabbed her stomach. Did knowing all this make Angel see her any less? She wasn't the same ... She wasn't the girl he loved so much he lost his soul in. She wasn't his Buffy.
" ... I never expected you to feel like this." Angel said in dismay.
Buffy turned her eyes back to her still full coffee cup. "Neither did I." She admitted softly. "I ... I hate feeling like this. This isn't me. It can't be." The blonde was desperate to believe it. She closed her eyes tightly a second, struggling. Her voice was breaking as she said her next words. "But I just want it over. All of it."
~~Angel~~
Angel could only stare helplessly, the look of despair on Buffy's face trapping him and burning his soul. He was beyond at a loss. Beyond what to do. Maybe on some level he knew she wouldn't be herself in their meeting by what Willow told him ... but he hadn't expected this. Never this.
This wasn't Buffy. Couldn't be Buffy. The Buffy he knew had always been so strong, so full of life. Even when her heart was breaking there was always still a light in her eyes. Right now he didn't see that light. He saw emptiness, nihilism, self-loathing. Defeat. Disconnection. She was here, but she wasn't. Drawn in on herself in a place only she knew ... and no belonging anywhere.
It was like seeing his own reflection.
That cold, unforgiving parallel rocked Angel to his very core. Nothing scared him more than looking into Buffy's eyes and seeing himself. All he could think about was how this could possibly be her? Buffy was never supposed to be like him. She had always been better.
A million questions ran through Angel's mind. What happened to make her feel like this? Was it her mother's death? Maybe she had been more affected by that than she let on. Or is it something else? Willow was the one to bring her back ... did it backfire somehow?
Angel's brain immediately shut down, too disturbed by that horrible thought to think on it any further. No. Buffy didn't come back wrong. This was Buffy. It had to be. She'd get through this, just like she got through everything else. Angel had to believe that.
But Buffy's frame of mind weighed on him. He knew all too well what that was like. Not too long ago that had been him. Grief and sympathy wreathed around him as he stared at his sad, lonely Buffy. I never wanted her to go through what I did.
A silence stretched between them. Buffy still refused to look at him and with each passing second, Angel only felt more helpless.
What do you want me to say, Buffy? That you should've stayed dead? I can't do that.
"Buffy ... I'm not sorry you're alive." Angel stated truthfully, serious. "But I am sorry you feel like this. I wish I could do something to help."
"You and everyone else." Buffy responded, a bitterness to her voice that surprised him. "It's a big 'ole pity party for Buffy. Now all it needs is some black, morbid streamers with stale chips-N-dip." She remarked sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"Buffy, it's only because we care about you." Angel said calmly.
"And that's the problem." Frustration and stress shined in her eyes. "You all care so much, it's like impossible for you not to worry. And then there's me, feeling bad about it, trying to act all fine and dandy. Miserably failing, apparently. It's just ... a lot of pressure. So forgive me if I get a little snappy, alright?!" Buffy vented in a huff, glaring at him.
It just reminds her what's wrong with her. " ... I get it. But you're not alone, Buffy."
Buffy gazed up at him, her green eyes full of sadness. "Then why does it feel like I am?" She asked forlornly.
Her voice dripped with so much loneliness all Angel wanted to do was hug her and never let her go. To prove to her that he was here, that she was wrong. "Buffy, I understand what you're going through ..."
"No. No, you don't understand." Buffy interrupted with sudden venom, her eyes flashing. "You weren't the one who finally had an out. The light at the end of the scary, gut-wrenching tunnel. To be finished with—" She choked up a second, fighting emotion. "To have that ripped away from you by your own friends." The slayer said coldly, tainted with betrayal. "Don't say you understand. You don't. None of you do."
Angel shrugged. "Maybe I don't." He fixed a piercing gaze on her. "But I know what it's like not to care. To lose sight of everything. Nothing matters, even when it should. There's no point to one thing or the next and you can't find what you had to get through it. To overcome it." Angel continued intensely. "You hate yourself for it, but it won't go away. And eventually you welcome it. Because if nothing means anything, what's the point of trying?" He described, cynically matter-of-fact. His intensity dimmed and he sighed. "Not having meaning, purpose ... Buffy, for people like us, it's the most unbearable thing in the world."
The blonde just stared, shaking her head a little as a myriad of emotions rose to his face. "Angel ... you ... " She broke off. He could see her gears turning and she changed, her features softening. "Did something happen?"
Her tone was gentle and hesitant, like he was the wounded animal now rather than her, and Angel felt his discomfort level rise. He didn't like talking about those dark months involving Wolfram & Hart and his obsession with Darla and would sooner forget about all of it ... but maybe Buffy needed to know. That she wasn't the only person that's been there.
The vampire ran a hand through his hair nervously. "It was in L.A about a year ago. Got targeted by an evil law firm ... Manipulated ... Made some choices I'm not proud of. Took me a while to get over it." He wasn't being very specific, he knew it, but he didn't want Buffy to know how far off the deep end he had actually been. He was too ashamed.
The slayer quirked a brow. "Evil law firm?"
"Long story." Angel muttered.
"Well, thanks so much for the details." Buffy quipped pointedly. She sobered, staring at him hard. "Angel ... if you were really going through something like that, why didn't you tell me?"
Immediately Angel shook his head. "I didn't want anyone around me, Buffy, least of all you. I was too ashamed of myself."
Buffy paused, looking like she was choosing her next words carefully. "So ... what did you do anyways?" She asked cautiously, eyes narrowed a bit.
The vampire hesitated, remembering the many things he did wrong. He locked several human lawyers in a room at the mercy of Drusilla and Darla. Fired Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn from Angel Investigations. Set Dru and Darla on fire. And finally, slept with Darla when he was at his complete worst.
"You don't want to know." Angel said simply.
The blonde gave an unsatisfied frown. Angel gave back a completely serious stare. A beat passed. Finally she deflated. "You're right. I probably don't." She agreed, weary.
A short silence passed. Buffy looked back up at him hesitantly. "So ... how did you? I mean, how'd you climb out the giant back hole?" She tried to sound nonchalant, but Angel could hear the hunger in her voice. A desperate need for an anchor.
Sleeping with a soulless monster.
That experience was still in his mind very vividly. As wrong as it had been, that perfect moment of despair inspired him to have purpose in life again. Funny how it worked that way. But telling Buffy about his one-night stand with Darla was one of the worst things he could to do her especially now and he'd rather leave that unsaid for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
"I ... was at my worst ... and did something I never would've done. It went against everything in me, though that was kinda the point. I wanted ... an escape." Angel tried to be as vague as possible. Noticing the wariness in Buffy's eyes, he quickly added, "No one innocent got hurt. That didn't make it any less of a mistake, but I learned from it."
"Again with the cryptic. Do I have to punch it out of you?" Though her tone was joking, she looked annoyed.
"It doesn't matter, Buffy. Just the message."
Buffy looked at him blankly, then rolled her eyes. "So basically I keep up the doom-and-gloom, start dressing like Mortia and do that something so anti-Buffy, I wake up the day after and I'm automatically Little Miss Sunshine." She recapped flatly. She stood up exaggeratedly. "Welp. Thanks for the pep talk, coach. I'm off to ruin my life now." Buffy said cheerily, pretending to make a move to leave.
The incident with Darla and the slayer's words mashing together in a nauseating image, the vampire reacted. "No!" Angel said in panic, grabbing Buffy by the shoulders and sitting her back in the booth.
Buffy let him, staring up at him in disbelief. Catching the suspicion in her eyes, he pulled back self-consciously and cleared his throat. "I mean, that's not what I was trying to say." Angel recovered lamely, sitting back down. "The way I did things isn't the message. Just what I did after."
The blonde slayer watched him guardedly. " ... Well. Let's here it." She crossed her arms over her chest, waiting expectantly.
Relieved Buffy wasn't dwelling on his overreaction, Angel continued. "We all go through a point where nothing matters. And y'know what?" He shrugged. "It usually doesn't in the end."
The slayer frowned. "And this is supposed to help me how?"
"Buffy, just because it doesn't mean anything doesn't make it pointless. Things are hard. Not many people in the world ever really make peace with it. But that doesn't mean we should give up. Our choices matter, not the reward. People matter. That's why we fight, Buffy." Angel declared, meaningful.
Buffy's gaze dropped to the table. "I just don't ... feel it." She said sadly.
"You don't. Now. But you will. Just give it time." Angel reassured. When Buffy still didn't look at him, the souled vampire took her hands. The slayer raised her head, her gaze glazed over with pain. "Hey. You'll get through this. I believe in you. So does everyone else. Maybe for once you should believe in yourself too."
Buffy just looked at him, melting back into that unsettlingly unreadable expression again. She averted her eyes.
Dismayed despite himself, Angel sighed quietly and let go of her hands. He didn't expect her to get over it just like that—no one should—but it still hurt. He just couldn't wrap his mind her being this ... lost, this hopeless.
He knew he needed to change the subject. "You didn't tell any of them, did you? About ... where you were."
Buffy's face clouded. "I can't. Wil's the mega-can't, but the others can't know either. It's too ..." She trailed away, shaking her head uneasily. "It's just not necessary." She said simply, the look on her face saying volumes of her unspoken thoughts.
That didn't surprise him.
"So it's just me." Angel murmured.
The blonde paused. She looked suddenly hesitant. " ... Well, yeah. Except ... not really." Buffy answered awkwardly. At Angel's questioning look, the slayer uncomfortably clarified, "I ... told Spike too. For some reason."
That did surprise him.
"Spike?" Angel said in disbelief.
Buffy gave him a helpless look. "Don't look at me. It just sorta ... came out."
She looked just as confused as he felt and that did nothing to make Angel feel better. Why would she tell someone such a personal thing and not tell her own actual friends? And while he was trying to stifle it, there was a more petty, traitorous thought saying, 'Why would she tell a guy that's not me?'
"It was majorly weird, but I felt a little better telling Spike. Guess it just felt good telling someone who wasn't involved in bringing me back." The blonde deduced, giving a casual shrug of her shoulders.
Angel waited for that answer to be good enough for him. All it did was make him more annoyed. He knew all about Spike's obsession with Buffy and not in trying to kill her from their last meeting. Now Angel had never been too keen on that information, but he handled it because she knew she'd never give him a chance. Yet here she was, admitting she told Spike something she told no one else but himself. That made Angel wonder. And not in a good way.
The brooding vampire crossed his arms and leaned back in the booth, eyes narrowed. "I thought you hated Spike." He pointed out coolly. He hoped he wasn't making his dislike too obvious. Something Angel had quickly figured out long ago though was that he wasn't ... great on the topic of her and other men.
"And I do!" Buffy insisted. Instantly she frowned. "Sometimes." At the agitated look on Angel's face, she quickly went on, "I mean ... he's not that bad anymore. Spike helped take care of Dawn when I died. He worked with the Scoobies before, while, and after I was underground. He did a lot for me and Dawn."
Angel stared incredulously. Was she actually defending Spike? "Buffy, he's soulless. You can't under any circumstances trust him." He argued.
"I never said I trusted him." Buffy replied pointedly.
Then why are we even having this conversation? Angel thought in annoyance. "He can't be good without a soul, Buffy. Everything he's doing, it's just so you can like him." Why did he even have to say these things when she should know better? She used to once.
The blonde slayer rolled her eyes. "I haven't forgotten what he is, Angel. Look, I'm just saying he's not as bad anymore. He's changed. A little. Emphasis on the little." Her frown was back again and shook his head. "I mean, it's not like we're best pals. Spike's just ... okay to be around. Sometimes." She explained awkwardly. She looked away. "At least more than my own friends these days." She muttered.
"Okay, great. Can we go back to the 'You can't trust him' part?" Angel continued, growing more and more frustrated.
"And I told you I don't." Buffy said blandly. "I'm not stupid, Angel. I get he's not exactly a reliable source."
Angel gauged her warily, as unconvinced as she was unimpressed. He felt his bottled up emotion on the rise and his tongue burned with a question that had been there ever since Buffy told him she told Spike she was in Heaven.
"Do you have feelings for him?"
His tone came out a lot more accusing than intended and he regretted it instantly, but was too proud to take it back.
"What? No. Of course not. We're not even friends." The blonde slayer said impatiently. "Why are you always so— Look, we're not here to talk about Spike. He's not important. So lay off on the jealous issues, okay?" She reprimanded with a glare. "You're always like this." She muttered under her breath.
"Why would I be jealous of Spike?" Angel said incredulously without thinking.
Buffy gave him a long look. "You tell me." She said dryly.
The souled vampire frowned, suddenly self-conscious. Okay ... maybe I'm a little jealous. That was a day he'd never thought he'd see ... and it was as alien to him as it was confusing. Why was he jealous? This was Spike.
Deep, deep down (and he would never, ever admit it) Angel knew exactly why. He knew Spike. His manipulative, obsessed, "charming" grandchilde. He never let anything he wanted go, especially the current object of his obsession and Buffy apparently didn't hate him anymore. How could he not be worried?
Angel deflated with a sigh, ashamed he was even jealous at all. This was not the time for jealousy. Not with the state of mind Buffy was in now. He knew better than anyone what she was going through. "I'm sorry." He apologized genuinely. "Just ... look, I'm not telling you what to do, but you should stay away from Spike."
"Funny, 'cause from a different perspective it looks like you are telling me what to do." Buffy answered flatly.
Angel became stern. "You can't let your guard down with him, even for a moment. He'll turn on you."
It wasn't about jealousy. Not really. Angel simply didn't trust Spike and Buffy was so vulnerable right now. She could so easily be taken advantage of and the second there was an opening, he knew Spike would be there. The mere thought of him using her that way made him boil with rage and worry. He wanted to protect her from that. Spike was dangerous, chip or no chip.
"Yeah, yeah. I got it, Angel. Writing it all in my memo." The slayer said dismissively, sounding like she hardly heard. Buffy slipped out of the booth and stretched. "We got the gut-wrenching-talk-with-coffee' part of the night down. How 'bout some late night slaying? Still got nine hours before sunrise."
Angel stared at her anxiously, unconvinced she took his warning about Spike to heart. He just couldn't shake off the feeling something bad would happen if she ignored it. That bad feeling tempted him to keep pushing it, but after a second he repressed it. He didn't want to aggravate her fragile mind further.
Deciding to focus less on his fears and more on Buffy, Angel slid out of the booth with her. "Why not. Some slaying might take your mind off things." He hadn't been able to keep the hopeful words from spilling out of his mouth.
Buffy gave him that blank look again for a second, but forced it away with a small smile. "It'll be fun. We haven't patrolled together in a while." She stared at him, her smile becoming softer and more sincere. "Try not to get your ass kicked." She teased, smirking as she strode towards to the doorway.
Seeing Buffy smile—a real smile, even a small one—made Angel's heart feel lighter. He always loved her smile. He never saw it enough. He was away far too much and when he was here, she only ever seemed to be depressed. It was a rare treasure.
"By you or the vampires?" Angel offered as he followed, a smirk on his face.
Buffy halted, pulling her face in exaggerated thought. "How about both?" She returned, looking back at him in amusement.
Angel gazed at her affectionately, drinking in the sight of her after what felt like an eternity. After Buffy's death, he had truly thought he'd never see her again. Angel had struggled with his grief and guilt that he hadn't been able to stop her death as well as the added guilt he continued to exist without her. That he could still be here while she was gone. Finally thanks to Cordelia he got a grip on her passing, but it never truly stopped hurting. Now ... now here she was.
It wasn't perfect. He hated to see what Buffy's been reduced to and there was still that ache in his heart, reminding him their time would be cut short and they'd inevitably return to their separate lives. But to be able to talk and joke with her, to hear her problems and comfort her ... he was able to pretend, just for a second, that everything wasn't wrong. Like it was just the two of them. The way it used to be.
It's just ... great to see you alive again, Buffy.
A/N: There's my first try at predicting the off-screen meeting. I thought of doing something a little differently and focus more on Buffy's inner pain than sweeping B/A passion in the first half. I just see Angel as much of the type to be more preoccupied with what's wrong than getting swept up in the moment.
We can't ever be sure what really happened, but I do think Buffy told Angel about being in Heaven. Not without reservations tho. Her reasons for not telling her friends were not only guilt, but shame. She couldn't bear for them to see her like this. I believe this also applied to Angel, but she's always been better at sharing her true feelings with him. :) I also felt Angel mentioning his own depression with Darla was fitting even though obviously he'd be vague. I sometimes wonder if Whedon was deliberately paralleling Angel's S2 depression to Buffy's S6 depression or he just likes recycling plots, but anyway. I'm sort of treating this like a Buffy episode. Loads of irony and S6 foreshadowing. ;)
The Spike references I used to fill in the blanks on how Angel knew Spike's feelings for Buffy, helping the Scoobies, and Buffy not hating him and presumably the chip by "Chosen". And yes, all of Angel's warnings, Buffy's less than serious approach to them, and the complete self-destruction of S6 Spuffy relationship is hard to stomach. You know Angel is entirely right about Soulless Spike and Buffy is entirely wrong, but she's too blinded by gratitude, disconnection/vulnerability, and later her own feelings in their sexual relationship to see it. :(
NEXT CHAPTER: Buffy and Angel grapple with each other's demons as the night carries on, raising emotions and tensions. This leads to an intense conversation and emotional, heart-wrenching goodbye ...