The Legend of Zelda: What REALLY Happened.
First, Kelly is a friend of mine that has an unhealthy obsession with Isaac, a character from the game Golden Sun. Also, if Nintendo didn't want anyone writing crappy parodys about Zelda, then they shouldn't have made the game. And if you are a whuss and are easily offended, you can go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. OK, here we go.
Link: (dreaming) Arghhh!!! A freaken' talken' tree is trying to eat me!!! (Claws at air franticlly)
Navi: Wake up, little hero! You're going to save the world!
Link: (half-awake) Not if I can help it. Hey! Who the bloody HELL are YOU?!? And WHY are you in my house?
Navi: I'm your new best friend. We're gonna be friends forever!!!
Link: Shut up, ya damn pixie.
Navi: THAT'S the spirit! Now let's go see the Deku Tree!
Link: What's that? I'M supposed to follow some type of Christmas ornament to who knows where?
Navi: Yes.
Link: Hey, I'm a pothead. I make all types of bad choices.
Navi: Then let's go!
Link: Didn't I tell you to shut up, you fucking flying dot!?!
Navi: You sure did!!! Shutting up now!!!
(At the entrance to the Deku Tree Grove)
Mido: I won't let you pass, Link.
Link: Go eat the pimples off your face, ya bastard.
Mido: (Runs off crying)
Navi: That's the way to take care of them!!!
Link: Shut the FUCK UP, dolt!!!
Navi: Will do!!! Link: I am SO DAMN SICK of your smile-at-everything attitude!!!
Navi: Well, I think...
Link: NO, YOU DON'T THINK!!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!
Navi: Sure thing, friend!!! : )
Link: (sigh.)
(In front of the tree)
Deku Tree: Thoust mustus enterous my bigious pie-holeous. Thy enemiest havest puteous a cursious onust thoust.
Link: Eh? D.K: I'm dying, damnit!!! Link: I care... why?
D.K: Just climb in my mouth already.
Link: Oh God, my dream is coming true! The hell I'm letting you eat me!!!
D.K: NO!!! NOT GASOLENE!!!!
Link: DIE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! (Throws lit match- runs like hell.)
BOOM
Link: This place is so BORING!!!! I'm blowing this joint. Speaking of joints... OH GOD!!! I'm out of joints. Maybe the Great Fairy has some...
At the G. F's cave.
Link: Hey, babe.
G.F: Do not calla me-a that. It insulting, yes.
Link: What's with the accent, hottie?
G.F: No-think.
Link: HI-YAH!!! (cuts off fairy's vines)
G.F: AHHHH!!! What you do dat for?
Link: Well, I thought you were Osama Bin Laden. I mean, come on! You're scary, and you live in a cave... OH GOD!!! Your boobs are pointy!!!
G.F: (sob) It is physical disfeature, yes. STOP STARING!!!
Link: Anyway, got some joints?
G.F: Eh?
Link: Grass, weed, pot, marajuana, pot, cocaine. I'll take it all. Hell, I'll even take Ecstasy. I need to screw up my head, because a giant, fucked- up tree just tried to eat me. See my problem?
G.F: Eh?
Link:IF I DON'T TAKE SOME DRUGS NOW, I'M ACCUALLY GONNA WAKE UP REMEMBERING THAT!!!
G.F: Eh?
Link: Fuck you. (walks out)
Navi: Zelda might have some drugs. All of England's princesses do...
Link: Shut the FUCK up, you shit eating piece of dandilion fuzz... although you may have a point. (Walks to castle)
Guard: Halt! No visitors!
Link: Excuse me, but I happen to be a fucked-up pothead with a sharp metal object. I think you'd better let me pass.
Guard: No.
Link: ... your loss. (spits him on sword)
Guard: ...gasp...remember me... as a peacemaker... (dies)
Link: (pokes guard with sword) Now sir, even if you are drunk, you just can't go to sleep on the job. Eh, what the hell. I'll just go see Zelda now. That ok with you? (moves guard's head up and down with sword point). Good.
Zelda: Hello. Saw you in dream. Must get the Moron's Boobie.
Link: Um, don't you mean the Goron's Ruby?
Zelda: ...no, I meant the Moron's Boobie.
Link: It's right there, though. (points at Zelda's boob)
Zelda: OOH, I GREW BOOBS!!! COOL!!!
Link: Yeah. You're really high right now, aren't you?
Zelda: Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh. Hee hee hee. Giggle giggle. Snort snort.
Link: Awesome. Pass me some of the good stuff, honey.
Zelda: (swooning) Hee hee.
Link: (snorting) OH yeah. Ridin' the white horse again..
7 years later...
Link: ..owwwwww... Damn, that was one HELL of a hangover.. Huh? My balls are bigger! What the fuck?!? Hey, pixie-thing, how long's it been? What'd I miss?
Navi: Um. well, you and Zelda got really high, and she ran in front of a speeding truck. It smashed her face in really bad. She has to wear those bandages over her face for life. And her eyes are still bloodshot from the hangover. Screwed up her head real bad, too. Think's she's a guy. Not to mention the king's in disgrace. He resigned, and gave the job to Ganondorf Dragmire.
Link: Oh crap. (sobbing) The best years of my life down the drain!
Navi: Acually, Ganon's the best thing that ever happened to Hyrule. There's world peace, and kids are much nicer, now that he banned violent video games.
Link: OH GOD NO!!!! Where's my copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City?
Navi: Crushed and buried somewhere in the Haunted Wastelands of the Gerudo.
Link: That BASTARD!!!! I'll KILL him, no matter how powerful he may be!!!
Navi: Accually, he's just an overweight old guy with a receding hairline. The smell of your clothes would probably kill him. Not to mention... who changed your clothes in the last 7 years? Link: ...you weren't with me all seven years?
Navi: What, I'm supposed to watch you giggle in your sleep while others of my kind are repopulating? Jesus, I've got great-grandkids now, and 21 different boyfrinds!!!
Link: (shrudders) But who did change my clothes? (Looks over and finally sees Rauru)
Link: Holy Crap! Who are you?
Rauru: My name is Michael Jack... my name is Rauru. I have taken care of your balls... I mean, your soul while you slept.
Link: Why do I recognize your voice? And your creepy, pale face? (Shoves Rauru- "Rauru's" prostetic nose falls off)
Link: You've got a fake nose...oh my god... Navi: MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Link: Oh God no, some gay black guy who became a gay white woman has been groping my balls for 7 years... I feel so... creeped out.
Wait for the NEXT installment, coming soon!!!!
First, Kelly is a friend of mine that has an unhealthy obsession with Isaac, a character from the game Golden Sun. Also, if Nintendo didn't want anyone writing crappy parodys about Zelda, then they shouldn't have made the game. And if you are a whuss and are easily offended, you can go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. OK, here we go.
Link: (dreaming) Arghhh!!! A freaken' talken' tree is trying to eat me!!! (Claws at air franticlly)
Navi: Wake up, little hero! You're going to save the world!
Link: (half-awake) Not if I can help it. Hey! Who the bloody HELL are YOU?!? And WHY are you in my house?
Navi: I'm your new best friend. We're gonna be friends forever!!!
Link: Shut up, ya damn pixie.
Navi: THAT'S the spirit! Now let's go see the Deku Tree!
Link: What's that? I'M supposed to follow some type of Christmas ornament to who knows where?
Navi: Yes.
Link: Hey, I'm a pothead. I make all types of bad choices.
Navi: Then let's go!
Link: Didn't I tell you to shut up, you fucking flying dot!?!
Navi: You sure did!!! Shutting up now!!!
(At the entrance to the Deku Tree Grove)
Mido: I won't let you pass, Link.
Link: Go eat the pimples off your face, ya bastard.
Mido: (Runs off crying)
Navi: That's the way to take care of them!!!
Link: Shut the FUCK UP, dolt!!!
Navi: Will do!!! Link: I am SO DAMN SICK of your smile-at-everything attitude!!!
Navi: Well, I think...
Link: NO, YOU DON'T THINK!!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!
Navi: Sure thing, friend!!! : )
Link: (sigh.)
(In front of the tree)
Deku Tree: Thoust mustus enterous my bigious pie-holeous. Thy enemiest havest puteous a cursious onust thoust.
Link: Eh? D.K: I'm dying, damnit!!! Link: I care... why?
D.K: Just climb in my mouth already.
Link: Oh God, my dream is coming true! The hell I'm letting you eat me!!!
D.K: NO!!! NOT GASOLENE!!!!
Link: DIE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! (Throws lit match- runs like hell.)
BOOM
Link: This place is so BORING!!!! I'm blowing this joint. Speaking of joints... OH GOD!!! I'm out of joints. Maybe the Great Fairy has some...
At the G. F's cave.
Link: Hey, babe.
G.F: Do not calla me-a that. It insulting, yes.
Link: What's with the accent, hottie?
G.F: No-think.
Link: HI-YAH!!! (cuts off fairy's vines)
G.F: AHHHH!!! What you do dat for?
Link: Well, I thought you were Osama Bin Laden. I mean, come on! You're scary, and you live in a cave... OH GOD!!! Your boobs are pointy!!!
G.F: (sob) It is physical disfeature, yes. STOP STARING!!!
Link: Anyway, got some joints?
G.F: Eh?
Link: Grass, weed, pot, marajuana, pot, cocaine. I'll take it all. Hell, I'll even take Ecstasy. I need to screw up my head, because a giant, fucked- up tree just tried to eat me. See my problem?
G.F: Eh?
Link:IF I DON'T TAKE SOME DRUGS NOW, I'M ACCUALLY GONNA WAKE UP REMEMBERING THAT!!!
G.F: Eh?
Link: Fuck you. (walks out)
Navi: Zelda might have some drugs. All of England's princesses do...
Link: Shut the FUCK up, you shit eating piece of dandilion fuzz... although you may have a point. (Walks to castle)
Guard: Halt! No visitors!
Link: Excuse me, but I happen to be a fucked-up pothead with a sharp metal object. I think you'd better let me pass.
Guard: No.
Link: ... your loss. (spits him on sword)
Guard: ...gasp...remember me... as a peacemaker... (dies)
Link: (pokes guard with sword) Now sir, even if you are drunk, you just can't go to sleep on the job. Eh, what the hell. I'll just go see Zelda now. That ok with you? (moves guard's head up and down with sword point). Good.
Zelda: Hello. Saw you in dream. Must get the Moron's Boobie.
Link: Um, don't you mean the Goron's Ruby?
Zelda: ...no, I meant the Moron's Boobie.
Link: It's right there, though. (points at Zelda's boob)
Zelda: OOH, I GREW BOOBS!!! COOL!!!
Link: Yeah. You're really high right now, aren't you?
Zelda: Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh. Hee hee hee. Giggle giggle. Snort snort.
Link: Awesome. Pass me some of the good stuff, honey.
Zelda: (swooning) Hee hee.
Link: (snorting) OH yeah. Ridin' the white horse again..
7 years later...
Link: ..owwwwww... Damn, that was one HELL of a hangover.. Huh? My balls are bigger! What the fuck?!? Hey, pixie-thing, how long's it been? What'd I miss?
Navi: Um. well, you and Zelda got really high, and she ran in front of a speeding truck. It smashed her face in really bad. She has to wear those bandages over her face for life. And her eyes are still bloodshot from the hangover. Screwed up her head real bad, too. Think's she's a guy. Not to mention the king's in disgrace. He resigned, and gave the job to Ganondorf Dragmire.
Link: Oh crap. (sobbing) The best years of my life down the drain!
Navi: Acually, Ganon's the best thing that ever happened to Hyrule. There's world peace, and kids are much nicer, now that he banned violent video games.
Link: OH GOD NO!!!! Where's my copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City?
Navi: Crushed and buried somewhere in the Haunted Wastelands of the Gerudo.
Link: That BASTARD!!!! I'll KILL him, no matter how powerful he may be!!!
Navi: Accually, he's just an overweight old guy with a receding hairline. The smell of your clothes would probably kill him. Not to mention... who changed your clothes in the last 7 years? Link: ...you weren't with me all seven years?
Navi: What, I'm supposed to watch you giggle in your sleep while others of my kind are repopulating? Jesus, I've got great-grandkids now, and 21 different boyfrinds!!!
Link: (shrudders) But who did change my clothes? (Looks over and finally sees Rauru)
Link: Holy Crap! Who are you?
Rauru: My name is Michael Jack... my name is Rauru. I have taken care of your balls... I mean, your soul while you slept.
Link: Why do I recognize your voice? And your creepy, pale face? (Shoves Rauru- "Rauru's" prostetic nose falls off)
Link: You've got a fake nose...oh my god... Navi: MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Link: Oh God no, some gay black guy who became a gay white woman has been groping my balls for 7 years... I feel so... creeped out.
Wait for the NEXT installment, coming soon!!!!