"Agent P, I expect better from you!"
Perry probably should have been listening to Monogram, but he'd pretty much heard it all before. The agency had taken tacos off the lunch menu again, so the Major was a lot grumpier than he usually was.
Perry sat in his chair, staring at his hands.
"First you assist Doofenshmirtz in destroying a HUGE amount of Carlos the Caring Clown toys, after I give you specific instructions to STOP HIM AT ALL COSTS. Then I inform you of the DANGER Palmer could mean to this agency, and you run off and have another baby! THEN you come back HERE and eat my breakfast!"
"I was hungry." Perry chattered, even though Monogram was unable to understand him.
"If you're feeling rebellious, you need to get it out of your system. I CANNOT have you adding to my problems. You're one of our best agents."
Perry frowned. He hated Carlos the caring clown, and it just would have made him crazy to stop Doofenshmirtz from getting rid of the one thing he would have liked to get rid of. As for the un-hatched platypus, that had been an accident. And Phineas had forgotten to tell Ferb that it was his turn to feed Perry that morning.
Well, actually, Phineas hadn't forgotten. He just wasn't talking to Ferb.
It broke Perry's heart. Those two had been so close all their lives. Perry didn't even know what had caused them to get into a fight.
"I'm disappointed, that's all." Monogram finished. He left the screen.
Perry sighed. He tried to be good. It was just so hard sometimes.
Phineas was sitting on the sofa, drawing a picture, when Perry came home.
"Oh, there you are, Perry. Guess what? The store came out with a new line of Carlos the caring clown toys! They mysteriously vanished a couple of days ago. But now they're back! We got Candace a new one."
Perry growled.
Ferb entered the room. He pulled a book of the shelf. "You ARE aware that Perry isn't fond of the Carlos toy, right?"
"You think you suddenly know MY pet better than I do?" Phineas snapped.
"He's OUR pet."
"Not anymore. Bucky was MY dog and we got Perry after Bucky got sick and went to live on a farm, so that makes Perry mine."
"We bought him and named him together."
"But I called dibs on him, so he's mine." Phineas didn't look up from his drawing.
Ferb glared at him. He stormed off to read his book.
Perry followed him.
"Sure, follow your ex-owner." Phineas called to Perry.
Ferb sat down on the kitchen chair and opened his book. Perry jumped up on his lap.
Why did the boys have to fight?
"I don't get it. Monogram makes us an appointment. We get here at the exact time we're supposed to. And then we STILL have to wait."
Perry and a fellow agent, Darren the duck, were sitting in the waiting room of the O.W.C.A's medical office. Monogram had instructed them to go there to get their rabies shots.
"You know there's probably a one-percent chance that we'll actually get bitten by a rabid dog?" Darren said.
"I never understood rabies." Perry admitted. "I mean, how does it start? The metaphorical rabid dog that is supposedly going to bite us would have to have been chomped on by ANOTHER rabid animal, and where did THAT rabid animal get its rabies? From ANOTHER rabid animal. And another. It never ends! How did the world's first rabid animal get rabies without being bitten by another rabid animal?"
"One of the great mysteries of the universe." Darren said. "It's like that chicken and the egg thing."
"What's that?"
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
"The egg. No wait, there'd have to be a chicken for the egg to exist. But wait… then that chicken would have to come from an egg. But if there was no one there to LAY the egg…"
"Don't think about it too hard. It'll make your brain get dizzy."
A song came on through the speakers in the ceiling. "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes…"
"Who will? WHO IS COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN?" Perry demanded.
"I tried to warn Monogram not to give you that huge ice cream sundae before we left." Darren said, shaking his head. "You're much too wound up."
"They don't give us any specific time, they're just like, 'She'll be coming when she comes'. Like SHE has the right to decide. I'm not waiting around for some random person to come around one of the MANY MOUNTAINS that line this planet! Who is she, anyway? THEY DON'T GIVE US ANY INFORMATION."
"Perry, it's just a song." Darren said.
"She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes!" Sang the speakers.
"And not only is this random person coming around the mountain uninvited, she didn't even bother to put CLOTHES on!" Perry shouted.
"It's just a song."
"Right." Perry slumped down in his seat. "I'm bored. I want Monobrow to get his butt out here so I can be protected from that metaphorical rabid dog and go home."
Darren picked up a magazine and flipped to a random page. "NO! Kendrine Adems and Kevin Kadooblie broke up?"
"Agent P? I'm ready for you now." Monogram said, opening the door to the examination room.
Perry got up and walked in.
"She'll be driving six white horses when she comes!" Monogram sang along with the song.
"Don't get me started." Perry mumbled.
"And the green grass grows all around, all around! And the green grass grows all around!"
Perry was doing his best to ignore Palmer. Palmer had finally gotten out of the "Ninety-nine bottles of pop on the wall" phase, but he'd gotten into a new one: the "Green Grass" phase.
It had been cute the first few minutes. But by the time Palmer had gotten to the egg in the nest, Perry had started to get a little antsy.
Perry was looking after his son while Palmer's mother, Poppy, was out. Usually looking after Palmer meant keeping him from breaking, vandalizing or stealing things.
At least all he was doing this time was singing.
Perry tried to focus on his book.
"And on that bird, there was a feather, the prettiest feather, that you ever did see!"
Perry happened to know that the feather was the last verse in the song. "Finally." He muttered.
"With the feather on the bird and the bird in the egg and the egg in the nest and the nest on the branch and the branch on the tree and the tree on the root and the root in the hole and the hole in the ground, and the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass grows all around!"
Perry breathed a sigh of relief.
Palmer was silent for a moment. Then he brightened. "…And on that feather! There was a speck!"
"AKK!" Perry buried his head in the book.
"The prettiest speck! That you ever did see!"
Ten minutes later, Palmer finally finished his song.
He sat and stared at Perry.
Perry stared cautiously back, still not convinced that Palmer was done.
"One more time!" Palmer yelled.
"NOO!" Perry shook his head. "Please, Pal, pick a different song. Any song."
"Okay! This is the song that doesn't end, it just goes on and-"
"Not that one. You know what, let's just park you in front of the TV."
"I don't feel like watching TV."
"I'll give you doughnuts, marshmallows, and whatever else you want."
"Sold."
Perry had finally finished his book when Poppy returned. She stared straight at Palmer.
Palmer was surrounded with piles of junk food, watching "Invasion Of The Human Overlords" on the television in Perry's lair.
She glared at Perry.
"He was driving me crazy!" Perry explained.
Poppy just rolled her eyes and walked over to Palmer, tapping him on the shoulder. "Come on. We're heading home."
"Mommy! I missed you!" Palmer gave her a hug. "Bye, daddy!"
"See ya, Pal."
Poppy picked Palmer up and carried him out the door.
Perry closed it behind them. He slumped down against the wall. All Palmer had done was watch TV. Why did that tire Perry out?
Whatever the reason, he just wanted to go home and lay down. That USED to be easy. He'd just sleep on Phineas' bed and move over to Ferb's after a few hours of sleep.
Now, Ferb slept downstairs on the couch. Perry would have to climb all the way downstairs, and he'd have to get Phineas to let him out of the room in the first place.
If only there was some way to get the boys to be friends again.
They were his favorite people in the world.