~ War Within ~

*Monsters don't sleep beneath a bed.
They scream within one's head*

I am dark. But there is even now fragmented light inside me.

I argue, but there is regret underneath my coldness.

I am terrified, but there is indifference behind that fear.

I am sensitive, yet beneath all these emotions is a burning desire to just . . . not . . . understand . . . this . . . suffering.

I cannot force myself to express what I feel, for I cannot divine words to express this pain.

I act spiteful, vindictive, and cold because there is a child within me crying out in pain at the vileness of the world.

I am in agony each day I open my eyes. For each day means the war within begins anew.

I fight because I know no other way.

I want to be good . . . but my soul pleads to hate because darkness succeeds more than goodness or purity.

You beg to have it laid bare so you can understand, but how can I release my soul to be studied and pondered and questioned when I have done so a thousand times over?

I am villainous even though my inner desire is to be virtuous.

I am lost, but I cannot admit this; for if I do I would be broken in the eyes of all.

I was kind, but I have learned to be cruel.

I was afraid, but I banished my fear.

I was honorable . . . but have lost all honor to chase a nightmare guised in a dream.

I was brave . . . but I took off that mantle and replaced it with twisted aspirations.

I do not know who or what I truly am. But I know this:

I am a liar who was himself a lie; transformed and remade by someone with power who saw a crafty opportunity and did not pass it up.

I am vindictive; found and refashioned into a tool for war by a creature desirous of greater power than the ruler who designed my façade.

I am a fool. A fool because I do not see, and continue to ignore in spite of all that has occurred. What now is left for me but death and fire?

I will be my own destruction.

A/N: Just something I wrote while I was contemplating my own depression. It's incredibly strange how similar people are with such an illness. Sometimes I see Loki and a see someone who cannot comprehend what depression is, because it has never been defined in his culture. He doesn't understand what this feeling is, so he responds accordingly and tries to make it vanish by doing things to forget it. Doesn't work. I know from experience. Anywhoo, tell me what you think!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas (or other holiday you celebrate) and have a happy new year!

WH