A/N — Written for the bonus round, using "If you say that once more, I am going to lose it," and unexpected circumstances
"If you say that one more time," James says, enunciating each word carefully, "I am going to lose it."
"Say what?" Sirius asks with feigned innocence. "I wasn't saying anything."
"You were —" The wind picks up around them, whipping their hair and robes about them and knocking James' glasses askew. An almost whirring sound fills their ears, drowning out all other sound on the mostly quiet street.
When the sound finally stops, James blinks to clear his vision and sees a blue … thing.
"What in Merlin's name is that?" Sirius asks, looking at the thing with an expression crossing between confusion and disgust.
James shrugs. "It's got a door," he says, and knocks loudly.
"Are you a complete —"
The door swings open.
"Hello," a woman says cheerfully with a thick Scottish accent. "Can I help you?"
"You weren't supposed to answer it," a man snaps from somewhere within the thing.
"Yes, actually," James says, adopting the tone of voice his mother always uses whenever she makes important Floo calls. "We were just wondering what exactly this … is."
"This," she says gesturing grandly, "is my —"
"Don't tell him," the man interrupts.
"— TARDIS," she finishes. "Time and Relative Dimension in Space. My magic box," she adds. "And I am The Doctor!"
James peers around her shoulder; it's a lot bigger on the inside, and he can see the man — short and bald and looking very irritated — hunched over something with a lot of buttons. "Oh, so there's an expansion charm on it?"
"What?" the man sputters. "No! It's bigger on the inside!"
Sirius pushes James aside to get a look himself. "Oh, alright," he says. "What're you doing here then?"
"You don't even want to know how?" the man asks. "The real Doctor —" he pauses to throw another annoyed look at the woman "— has a better explanation, but —"
"Oh, come off it," she says dismissively. "Isn't this what you people do? Take in little strays and show them the universe?"
"That is not what —" the man begins indignantly as Sirius says:
"We are not strays!"
"Oh, of course not dearie, you're just a poor lost little human in need of saving."
"Actually, we were just on our way back to the castle," James says, pointing in the general direction of Hogwarts. "Not really supposed to be in Hogsmeade."
Sirius shrugs and adds: "Wouldn't want another detention. Already fully booked this week, aren't we mate?" He turns to grin at James.
"Well," the woman says, clapping her hands together and looking far too gleeful, "we wouldn't want that. Hop in!" She steps aside with an extravagant bow; James and Sirius exchange a glance before stepping inside, ignoring the man's complaining.
She closes the door behind them with unnecessary flair and is at the central platform faster than James had thought she was able.
"So, what is this —" The room inside the box shakes, moves, knocking them off their feet and sending James and Sirius sprawling across the floor in a tangle of limbs.
"Don't forget to hold on!" she calls over her shoulder, far too late to be helpful. "He likes to keep the brakes on."
"Is it a car?" Sirius asks, thinking of the Ministry issue cars his father had once been offered, much to the man's offence.
"Of course it's not a car!" the man snaps. "It's a TARDIS. The TARDIS, to be exact."
"I have my own TARDIS," the woman says. "It's better than this one; cleaner, more efficient." The room shudders; it feels strangely annoyed. "My chameleon circuit works," she says to a screen in front of her as if she's talking to an actual person. The room shudders one more time, before returning to its usual unsteady yet bearable motion. "So!" She turns to James and Sirius once more. "Where to? The end of the earth? Humans reaching the next galaxy? The Dalek war?"
"Uh …" James says slowly, "we just want to go back to school."
"What's a Dalek?" Sirius asks, practically skipping to stand beside the woman.
"Don't touch that," she snaps, swatting his hand away from one of the buttons.
"Why? What's it do?"
"Well, it —" She turns to look at the man, confusion crossing her features.
"Don't." he says as if he's scolding a young child. She raises her hand slowly. "What did I just say?" he snaps.
"Oh, alright then," she says, dropping her hand back to her side. "School it is. Any in particular?"
"Hogwarts," James says as Sirius says:
"Beauxbatons." At James' annoyed look he shrugs and adds: "French girls" as if it's all the clarification he needs.
The TARDIS jerks and shudders and they're sent once more to the floor. "Oh dear," the woman says, her palm still flat against the button, "it appears my hand slipped."
The man scoffs and sputters, seemingly beyond words at this point. It doesn't last long.
"Of all the idiotic things — How could you possibly — You complete and utter —" he stutters. "Well, I'm not helping you get out of this one," he says petulantly, folding his arms across his chest and settling into an angry silence.
"I don't need your help," she says, mirroring his action. James looks between them like he's a spectator at a duelling match.
"So, uhm … what exactly did that do?" James asks, regretting the words instantly as they both turn to look at him. The woman turns back to the man who shrugs and turns away.
"Well," she says confidently, "I don't know."
"What?" James and Sirius exclaim in unison.
"Why'd you press it then?" James asks incredulously.
"You got me all curious," she says with a giggle and a fake innocent expression that could rival Sirius' in how far from innocent she actually looks.
"Well this is just great," James mutters.
"You need to stop worrying," Sirius says, slinging an arm around James' shoulders. "Think of it this way: we can't get detention if we're not at school."
James stares at Sirius, shaking his head incredulously, and pushes the arm off him. "You're an idiot," he says walking over to sit next to the man.
"Glad someone's finally seeing sense," he says. "Was beginning to think I was the only sane one here."
Before James can say anything, the TARDIS pulls to an abrupt stop, slamming his head hard against the man's. Blinking the stars out of his eyes and rubbing the bump already forming, James stands shakily. "What's happening now?" he asks.
"Well, we appear to have stopped," the woman says. "Would you like to do the honours?" she asks Sirius, gesturing to the door.
He stares at her with wide eyes for a moment, mouth hanging slightly open. "No," he says, shaking his head quickly.
She huffs and pushes past him, taking long strides to the door. Despite his hesitation, Sirius follows closely behind.
Grinning widely, she flings open the doors and … her smile falls. "Well, we appear to be in a bit of a pickle."
"What have you done now?" the man asks, finally standing and walking over to join her. James follows, not wanting to be the only one to know what's going on outside. He has to stand on tip-toes to see past everyone, but when he finally manages to get a look he sees … nothing. Just darkness.
A light flickers into existence, and James can make out the shape of two distinct hands cupping it, though whoever — whatever — the hands are attached to remains in darkness. A throat is cleared.
"Welcome," a raspy voice says, "to the end of the universe."