A/N: Basically, this is a one shot that I'm writing as a distraction from a paper I'm writing for class. Potentially, I could extend it, but only if the reaction is truly above and beyond. Really, I'm just playing around- I wanted to see what would happen if Bella hadn't just forgiven Edward straight away. Oh- and for the sake of saving time and getting back to my paper, this is starting just a little bit after Bella realizes that Italy really happened (Ch. 23 New Moon).
"Edward, you can't just risk your life because of decisions I make- you can't just run off to Italy because you feel guilty about what happens to me."
Our gazes were locked, neither of us willing to break contact. That's how I saw the disbelief, shock and exasperation cross his face.
"Bella- you really think I went to Italy just because I felt guilty?"
I bit my lip, stymied a little by his tone of voice, betraying his disbelief. Still- why else would he have done it? I nodded my head.
His hand went to the bridge of his nose, and he did what he always did when I said something I didn't like, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger.
"Bella, of course I felt guilty." I started to interrupt, about to tell him again that he had to let go, for his own sake, but he continued on before I could.
"But," he began, forcefully. "I went to the Volturi because there is no way I could exist in a world where you didn't. Thinking that you- my Bella- no longer had a presence here- it was unbearable."
I stared at him in shock. Why did he care so much? He had said that he didn't want me. I would never forget that those words came from his mouth- they had left a scar I wasn't sure I could ignore.
"Edward, you said you didn't want me. You left me in the woods- you left." I said, hardly whispering the final few words. I knew he could hear every bit of it.
"Really Bella- don't you see? I may be a great liar- I have to be, and I've had practice- but to have you just believe me so quickly, it was excruciating. I was convinced I would have to spend hours convincing you, but then you just accepted it, without a fight. No other pain will ever compare."
He had caught me off guard again. He hadn't meant any of it?
"See- now I think I'm dreaming again. There's no way you can love me as much as you say." I stated simply. Truly, it was just too good to be reality.
"Bella. Bella- look at me!" he said, taking one of my hands in his ice cold one while cupping my cheek with the other one and lifting my face so that he could look me in the eyes. I stared back into his absolutely black eyes, bordered by deep purple shadows.
"I love you- I always have, I do now, and I always will. My existence is meaningless without you, and I…love…you." He finished, separating each word to emphasize it.
At his declaration, I felt tears building in my eyes, and lowered my head to hide the torrent of feelings that were racing across my features at the moment. Relief, love, joy, and gratitude- they were all there. But there were other emotions coursing through me as well. My tears were also those of anger and confusion.
If he loved me so much, then why had he left? How could he? Didn't he know what it would do to me?
I pondered these questions, when Edward was suddenly just inches away from me- his hand was still cupping my chin. He began to move in, and our lips were nearly touching, when I made a split decision against everything my body and heart were screaming at me.
"Please don't." I whispered, a tear finally spilling over, sliding its way down my cheek. The two words carried the weight of everything I was thinking and feeling, the new dimension that had now entered my relationship with Edward.
Edward froze, becoming a statue before pulling back, dropping his hand from my face. I longed to grab it and place it back on my face, where it belonged, but I knew I had to say a few things first.
"Why?" he asked. I knew that he felt the importance, the altering nature of my simple request.
"It's just…if you leave again…it will make it harder." That was at least partially true. Even now, I could feel the ghost of the hole in my chest just waiting to rip open at the first sign that this was only temporary. It was more than that though. I didn't know if I wanted him to kiss me right now because I was so upset with him.
That was a new sensation. I had never been able to stay angry at Edward for long about anything. Even when he had been so overprotective, or had planned surprises for me, I always let it go the moment he looked at me. Maybe I had changed more since he had been gone than I realized.
Yet, Edward still defined my world. I knew that- without him, I would be empty. On the other hand, he wasn't my entire world anymore. I now knew that things went on without him, and that I would continue to live, and that I could even have semi-normal moments.
This knowledge gave me power, and I could feel it altering me from the inside out.
"There's more than that." he said. I sighed- it was ridiculous how easy I was for Edward to read, even though he couldn't use his ability on me. "Is there someone else? Is that why you've acted so strangely every time I try to touch you, why you're so hesitant? If there is, you can tell me. I understand if you can't love me after all that's happened. As long as you're happy, I can step aside- you are all I care about."
I couldn't believe him. This was just ridiculous. It took everything in me not to laugh at him- his earnest face and the situation are the only things that kept me from it. I'm sure my face was the picture of shock.
"No- of course not. I still love you- only you. That can never change- it's irrevocable." I replied vehemently. That statement was entirely true.
He searched my face- probably looking to see if I was lying. "Then what is it? It's like you're putting up a wall between us."
I looked away- his statement struck home. I was putting up a wall, in an attempt to defend myself, and so I wouldn't have to tell him what was really bothering me.
"You know I hate it when you keep your thoughts from me. It's incredibly frustrating."
I bit my lip. That was all it took to push me over the edge. Fine- if he wanted to know, I would tell him, but I knew he wouldn't like it.
"I don't understand how you could just leave! How could you? Don't you know what that did to me? What the memory of it is still doing to me? If you loved me, why did you leave?" My emotions, all my resentment from the past few months- it all spilled over, breaking through every control I had constructed.
"I had to." He said quietly. "All I wanted was for you to have a normal, human life. All I ever did was put you in danger- it wasn't right. I didn't have many options- there was no way you were going to realize I wasn't good for you, so I had to convince you I wanted to leave. And I had to make a clean break- I thought it was best for you."
I knew he was being honest, and on one level, I understood that he had done the only thing he saw as reasonable. I knew he had done it out of love- incredible love, love that I didn't even deserve. None of that made me happy though. Who was he to decide what was best for me? Obviously, he had been wrong on that account.
I decided he should know what he had done, because he still didn't seem to get it.
"Edward- you leaving- it killed me. Or most of me anyway. You think it was excruciating for me to accept your lie so quickly? You don't know the pain I experienced for the hours I spent lying on the forest floor until Charlie and a search party found me."
I saw the wound I had created resound across his face, and the torture that flared behind his eyes at my words, even though he remained silent. Still, he had to know. If we were going to go on, he had to know. It was the only way I could be sure he wouldn't do it again- what was going to stop him from leaving again the next time I was put in danger?
"I lay in a comatose state for a week. I had nightmares that even frightened Charlie. I didn't go to school. I only snapped out of it because Renee came to take me with her, and I didn't want to leave here." I put special emphasis on the last word, and I knew he understood why I had fought so hard to stay in Forks. Because I was forever attached to this place, because it was a link to him.
"Then I became a walking zombie. I did everything I was supposed to, but it sapped all my strength. Charlie threatened to send me to Renee again, so I tried harder. Then I started having hallucinations- hallucinations that you were talking to me, but only when I was doing something particularly dangerous. So I started doing dangerous things to hear your voice." I took a moment to breathe, and let it sink in before continuing my speech.
"Edward- do you get it? You broke me, and only you can fix me, but I don't know if I trust you to put it all back together again, because it would be so easy for me to shatter another time. Its easier to just be broken- at least I'm used to that. I don't know if I'll survive again- I might just cease to be."
All the words just tumbled out, and Edward didn't even try to interrupt. Looking at him, he resembled someone who had just had everything good sucked out of him- nothing but pure anguish showed through his countenance. I felt the tiniest bit of guilt, but didn't see how I couldn't be honest with him and move forward.
"Bella," he finally croaked out, his voice as rough as a vampire's is capable of becoming. "I'm so sorry, but I promise I'm never going to leave you again. I plan to spend every moment possible with you, whether you like it or not. It hurt me to be away from you too. At least you tried to behave normally. I shut down entirely, except for when I tried to track Victoria. Most of the time I just curled up somewhere, and stayed still, letting everything flood in on me."
I began to interrupt, to tell him how awful that was, and that I didn't know and I was sorry for his pain, but he continued on.
"Believe me when I say this- I'm not strong enough to leave you again. I can hardly fathom leaving to go hunt- I'm not going anywhere. Besides, it seems that me leaving didn't improve your level of safety very much."
His words carried a forcefulness with them, and I felt them resonate in me. I knew he meant every word the moment he said it. But that was the issue. Right now, in this moment, it was true. But what about the next time Jasper tries to eat me? Or Emmett crushed me or something? Or Rosalie finally decides she just can't stand me any longer?
Not that I really believed any of those would happen in the future- the idea of it still bothered me. My faith was shaken- but Edward was already doing a fantastic job of restoring it. That was my issue though- why did I inherently depend on him?
"Edward, every fiber in my being wants to believe you- and ninety-nine percent of me does. I just don't know if that's enough."
He sighed, clearly exasperated, but I could see that he felt he deserved this. That was just as ridiculous as the thought that I loved someone else. He didn't deserve this- I knew it would be so easy to just let it go, but I also knew I had to take a stand.
"Is it enough for now?" he offered.
"What do you mean?" I asked, out of genuine wonder.
"Why don't we just try to continue on? We both love each other; we both can't stand to be apart. Let's just be together, and you let me prove myself to you. I'm not going anywhere either way- there is too much danger, and I will protect you."
I thought that over for a moment. I knew the last part was true- Edward wasn't going to leave my side until this issue with Victoria was resolved. And there was the issue of the Volturi now too- not that I thought that one was very difficult to solve.
Why not though- he would have to be around anyway. I didn't know how he could ever restore my trust, but I would certainly let him try. Still, this would be a sticky situation for my emotions. How was I going to handle this? Wasn't I just allowing myself to be hurt again, this time in stages?
No- I could do this. I could be strong and keep my distance, even if he didn't keep his. I would not be destroyed, and every part of me wanted him so badly.
"Ok- we can try." I said, hesitancy winding through my words.
He grinned widely, lopsided as always. I couldn't help but smile a bit myself.
I reminded myself to hold back, and reigned in my elation that this unfathomably beautiful creature was sitting in front of me, willing to do anything to win me back. I knew then that it wouldn't be long- but I also knew that Edward would stop at nothing to prove himself, and that was fine with me. I need security again, and I hoped beyond hope that I would get it. Then I checked my hope, allowing the necessary distance to envelope my heart and soul. I wasn't sure this wouldn't be more exhausting than the past few months had been, but I did know it would be much more worth it.
I lied back in my bed again, pulling the comforter and sheets around myself. I settle in, and I could sense Edward there. He lay down next to me, and I didn't stop him- his cold, strong arm around me would be the first of many signs of reassurance.
A/N: What do you think? Let me know- personally, I think it's pretty good for 3 in the morning, but my opinion doesn't really matter- yours does!