Having recently just watched the rather excellent Russian Doll on Netflix the idea for my next story has been floating around. A bit of research has revealed that there is even a name for this particular genre of story, a Groundhog Day Loop, popularised by the equally excellent 1993 Bill Murray film.
Certain things will seem familiar to you, but all might not be as it seems. Here goes and apologies if it is 1) confusing, 2) infuriating, 3) sad.
All rights to Tony Grounds and the BBC for the characters.
-OG-
Chapter 1 - "Spit it out Dawes"
RAF Brize Norton, October 2013
In the Ladies' toilets, Private Molly Dawes splashes water on her face, before taking a long hard look at her reflection in the unflattering mirror, "Come on Molls, pull yourself together".
Nerves have just got the better of her and despite being warned by her CO about the importance of making a good first impression, she has just spectacularly failed at this with her new CO, Captain James.
She really didn't mean to giggle, but when he'd marched out of the terminal and barked at the assembled platoon, whom she now knows are known as The Under Fives, "Can it really take you massive cockwombles this long to get into your sections for a bloody photograph?", she'd thought it was bleeding funny to hear a posh Rupert using such an expression.
It was only when everyone else had come to rigid attention that she'd realised that perhaps she'd got things wrong.
He'd then proceeded to bawl her out in front of the entire platoon, going on about how if she couldn't "cut it as their medic and as part of the team, he'd have to hesitation to lob her out of the plane".
She'd thought it was all a bit over the top, but when she'd caught his eye just before the platoon photograph was taken, all she had seen was blatant contempt for her.
He clearly had a massive bleeding chip on his shoulder about something and was obviously one of those Rupert's who had a problem with women in the Army. Whilst she'd not exactly expected to be welcomed to the platoon with open arms, she'd thought as a last-minute battle casualty replacement medic, that she might be cut a bit of slack. She now realises that she was mistaken.
-OG-
She walks out of the toilet and slap bang into a less than welcome reminder from her past, Dylan bleeding Thomas, otherwise known as Smurf. She recognises him straight away but her vain hope, that perhaps he won't remember her, is dashed almost immediately, "Well if it ain't my 'Friday night round the back of the Indian take-away in Guildford."
She's in a stunned silent state of shock as he goes on about how they were bound to meet up again at some point, how he could have "had" any of her section that night and how "lucky" she is that he picked her. She doesn't recall it being a memorable experience and wonders whatever possessed her to shag the cocky Welsh tosser, answering her own question when she remembers that she was in actual fact pissed out of her nut that night.
She manages to regain her composure enough to deliver a few good take-down lines to him when he attempts to explain why never contacted her and uses her temporary advantage to appeal to his better nature to not share the details of that night with the rest of their section.
She is hugely relieved when a few moments later he introduces her to the lads without mentioning anything about how they know each other, although she doesn't miss the look he gives her that suggests she now owes him in some way. She's quite pleased with herself when she earns a few cheap laughs from the lads by calling him "a Welsh wanker."
Hercules
The plane ride is uncomfortable, noisy but thankfully uneventful. She manages to avoid further conversation with Smurf or any of the lads from the Section.
When Captain James orders them to kit up in preparation for landing, she quickly does as she's told, making sure she doesn't give him any further reason to shout at her. He really does seem to be one of the most serious, stern-faced Ruperts that she has come across in her 18 months in the Army. By the time they are ready to land she has decided that Captain Stern-Face is a bleeding good name for him.
Camp Bastion
She looks out of the coach window as they drive from the airport to their quarters through the Camp, astounded as to just how vast the place is. A huge, functional, military city built from scratch in the middle of the Helmand desert, housing thousands of British, American and Afghan troops.
Judging by the conversations going on between the lads, they've never experienced anything like it either. They're all surprised to see converted shipping container outlets for Costa Coffee and Pizza Hut.
-OG-
The entire platoon is standing to attention in the intense daytime sun, although she is struggling to acclimatise to the heat and concentrate on what is being said.
Although she'd been warned about the heat in Afghan, nothing could have prepared her for the reality of it. She's gone from being taters in a muddy field two days ago, to a sweltering 47 degrees where it feels like you're walking through bleeding treacle.
They're being welcomed by a friendly sounding Major, called Beck, who seems to know Captain Stern-Face well judging by the way they greet each other. She gathers that this is the Captain's fourth tour of Afghanistan, so she supposes that despite initial impressions, at least he might be a safe pair of hands.
-OG-
She's standing in the Pizza Hut queue with her new friend and fellow medic, Jackie, when they're summoned to the Camp hospital to deal with the arrival of six critically injured soldiers.
Nothing in her training has prepared her for the horror and chaos that meets them. Jackie immediately gets involved in carrying stretchers and tending to the injured but she is utterly overwhelmed by the situation. She's frozen to the spot, transfixed by the severity of the injuries and the sight of so much real blood. Her training is forgotten and she is unsure what to do, how to begin to help and aware that she is completely in the way.
-OG-
She's lying, wide awake, in her bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing that despite being physically and mentally exhausted that sleep is not going to come easily to her tonight. Jackie has already tried to reassure her training will kick in and that she shouldn't beat herself up about it, but she's feeling defeated and ashamed at how she reacted in the hospital.
She's also reeling from Jackie's earlier revelation that Captain Stern-Face, is in-fact a war-hero. Apparently on his third tour, he'd shown immense bravery by crawling on his belly for 200 metres to retrieve the body of Smurf's twin brother, Geraint, refusing to leave him as a trophy after he was fatally shot by the Taliban.
After today's brutal welcome to the grim reality of Afghanistan, she's seriously doubting whether she'll be able to cut it.
-OG-
She's sat on her bed, dressed in the PE kit, tying her trainer shoelaces when she hears the unmistakable voice of Captain Stern-Face yelling her name, "Private Dawes". Despite it only being 05:30, he already sounds pissed off with her. She grabs her rifle as he yells again, noticeably louder, "Private Dawes."
Her heart sinks as she steps outside the tent to realise that the rest of the bleeding Section are not in their PE kits, but in full kit. She feels significantly smaller than her 5 foot 3 inches as he looks her up and down and with barely disguised disdain loudly comments, "Well, I suppose we should be grateful you're not wearing your stilettos. It's full kit, Dawes."
Not one of the bastards had told her it was a bleeding full-kit run and she's 99% certain that HE didn't mention it yesterday when he was rinsing the Section in the dorm tent, blathering on about how he expected them to be on top form and giving him one hundred percent otherwise they'd get his new regulation combat boot six lace holes up their arses. She'd been so bleeding furious when he'd then gone on to single her out and humiliate her up by calling her a Doris, making some smart arsed Rupert comment about her being shit at geography, before pointing out that the tent they were in was "stags" only and she should be in the female quarters. She supposes she could well have forgotten the full kit instruction.
She's mortified to give him more reason to pick on her. In other circumstances, she might have come back with some equally smart arsed comment, but she senses now is not the time to test his patience further.
-OG-
She's really struggling on the run, a combination of full kit, carrying her heavy med Bergen and the temperature. She thought her fitness was pretty good, but the heat is unbearable and not something she's trained for, unlike the rest of the section.
Captain Stern-Face ups the pace and suddenly instructs Smurf to hit the ground simulating some catastrophic injury. She's already lagging behind the Section when he starts yelling at her, "Medic, man down! Left leg blown off below the knee, what you going to do?"
As she reaches Smurf and drops to her knees, she's desperately trying to catch her breath and remember her training. Unfortunately, all she can think of is the horror of the previous night in the hospital and finds herself fumbling with her kit, all fingers and thumbs.
Meanwhile he is not letting up his verbal assault, "Come on, what are you going to do? You're really gonna let him bleed out while you gasp for air like a puffer fish?"
She manages to locate a tourniquet but can't make her hands stop shaking enough to actually unroll it, all the while he's still shouting at her, "Come on Dawes! This isn't Call of Duty on the PlayStation. Someone stands on an IED there's a life to save. Get it?"
Despite her desperate attempt to control herself, she feels hot tears coming as he continues bellowing, "Come on, what are you going to do? Come on Dawes."
She's aware that the Section are looking at her in unimpressed disbelief and that she has just failed this test completely spectacularly.
He dismisses the rest of the Section but clearly hasn't finished with her yet. She quickly packs away her kit, forces herself to her feet and starts to jog slowly following the lads. He's matching her pace and doesn't attempt to hide the disgust in his voice, "He could have died just then. Now please don't tell me that we've got the only medic who can't stand the sight of blood."
She realises he must also know about what happened in the hospital but doesn't have a chance to say anything before he sprints off leaving her feeling utterly despondent and wondering what else she can screw up.
-OG-
Captain Stern-Face struts into the instruction tent causing the platoon to stop talking and immediately stand to attention. She's determined to make up for her failure in the previous day's PT session. She listens intently and makes notes as both Captain Stern-Face and Corporal Kinders brief them on their mission.
She gathers that they'll be heading out to a Forward Operating Base the following day where they will link up with the Afghan National Army. Their role will be to support, advise and assist on patrols in the area and to facilitate local children's safe passage to school.
For some inexplicable reason, totally forgetting her earlier resolution, she pipes up that it will be like being "lollipop men with guns".
She immediately regrets her words as Captain Stern-Face stiffens and looks her coldly in the eye telling her in no uncertain terms to "get her head out of her arse" and that "there is no such thing as an easy mission here".
She's reminded of how stupid she was made to feel, time and time again, at school. She's aware of Corporate Kinders continuing the briefing but isn't processing the words he's saying until she hears "medic'. She sits up, caught out, feeling exposed as she has no idea what has just been said. She is dismayed to discover that Captain Stern-Face does not appear to be finished with her either, "It's like speed dating Dawes, one minute each and then you sod them off out of it."
-OG-
She's sat at a desk in the Med-Centre, which is actually another converted shipping container, anxiously arranging and rearranging her papers. She can hear Corporal Kinders outside telling the lads to sort themselves into a line and that they are in their own time now. He pops his head around the door, "Ready Dawes?"
She takes a deep breath, attempts to calm her nerves, conscious that these pre-mission check-ups are her opportunity to prove to the lads that she is not a complete liability as a medic, "Yes Corporal."
A soldier she knows as Nude-Nut saunters in, his face covered in bits of paper. She hasn't quite got her wits about her as she indicates to his face, "What's all that about?"
"Oh, I cut myself shaving and I know how much you hate the sight of blood."
She recoils at the comment, realising that everyone must be questioning her competence and abilities after the hospital and PT session fiascos.
She manages to get through the rest of the check-up but it is obvious that Nude-Nut can't get out of the room quick enough.
Her heart sinks as the next person through the door is Smurf. He's been giving her a hard time ever since that first day when, after being humiliated by Captain James in the lad's dorm tent, she'd said something to him like "maybe she didn't want that Rupert to like her". At the time, she hadn't understood his weird reaction. He'd turned on her and told her that Captain Stern-Face "was a better person that she'd ever be", before abandoning her to find her own way to the female quarters. She muses that she would still be wandering lost around Bastion and none the wiser if Jackie hadn't found her, taken her under her wing and told her about his brother.
Surprisingly, rather than using the opportunity to add to her misery, he seems to take pity on her, "Boys giving you a hard time?"
Something about the way he smiles at her, encourages her to reveal more than she intends, "I just feel like I keep getting off on the wrong foot…. I keep saying the wrong things. Have you seen the way that Captain James looks at me?"
It seems that, away from the lads, he's kinder and much less cocky, as he reassures her that everyone is trying to prove themselves, everyone is worried about whether they'll be able to cut it and that anyone who says they aren't is bullshitting. He tells her that it just takes time and that she will be fine.
She realises that he's not just talking about other people, but that he too has doubts about how he will cut it. She feels emboldened by his honesty to ask him about his brother.
He sits down, becomes focussed and deadly serious as he tells her about how Captain James had told him that the Taliban cheered when Geraint was shot, about how the Taliban are different to them, about how heartless they are. He's clearly struggling with his emotions as he tells her that Geraint lost his life for their country, that he doesn't want him to have died in vain, that he's going to make sure he didn't die in vain.
They're interrupted by Corporal Kinders telling Smurf to hurry up, but she is left with an uncomfortable feeling about his motivations and intentions for the tour and decides that she will need to keep a close eye on him.
-OG-
Forward Operating Base
The helicopter ride over vast deserts and mountain ranges passes quickly with everyone in in determined, focussed silence. Captain James' address to the assembled platoon before they left Bastion had left her and the lads in no doubt that this was mission the real deal. She'd listened very carefully and had committed his words to memory. She had every intention of staying focussed, staying alert and staying alive.
Arriving at the FOB is both exciting but terrifying. They are put down outside the perimeter of the heavily fortified base with its high walls and gun towers. She feels exposed and anxious as they crouch, waiting for the helicopter to depart and the instruction to move towards the relative safety of the FOB.
As she walks towards the gate, she's approached by a young Afghan girl. Unsure what to do, she gives the girl a smile and says hello. She's aware of Captain James close by offering the girl a biro, reminding her that their mission is about "hearts and minds".
Smurf has clearly seen the exchange too as he catches up with her and tells her in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be talking to the little bleeders, that they'll be straight back to report to some insurgent everything about them, that although they might look sweet and innocent that they only have one aim and that is to kill them. His outburst does not do anything to alleviate her concerns about him.
-OG-
She's unpacked her kit and familiarised herself with the basic med tent, feeling immensely grateful that she has a semi-private space to hide-away in a FOB which is exclusively manned by a combination of British and Afghan men.
She joins the 2 Section lads, who are typically messing about, in time to see Smurf engaged in some sort of disagreement with of the Afghan officers. She can't hear what is being said but can tell from their body language that they're winding each other up and starting to square up in the way that men do. She grabs Smurf and bodily pushes him away from the situation before he does anything stupid, "Oi, oi, what is all that about?"
Smurf sounds pumped with adrenaline as he attempts to justify himself, "That ten dollar Taliban was giving me the evils."
She tells him to behave and that the soldier is not Taliban but one of them. He doesn't say anything further but seems intent on continuing an angry staring match from a distance. She feels her anxiety about his state of mind increasing further.
-OG-
There is a palpable sense of excitement as they get ready for their first patrol. Some of the lads are clearly hoping for contact with Taliban insurgents straight away. She's feeling less excitement and more trepidation at the prospect of having to put her medic skills into action in the field.
She's concentrating on listening to Captain Stern-Face's instructions and keeping her nerves in check. As they leave the base, she's aware of the sound of her heavy breathing and can feel her heart racing.
They've not gone far when they come upon a group of Afghan civilian men. The Afghan soldiers shout something she doesn't understand and she watches tensely as the civilian men lift their hands and shirts to show they're not armed. She can tell from the way it is all conducted that it is obviously a common place exchange out here, but she's transfixed all the same.
She nearly jumps out of her skin when someone tugs on her arm. She's surprised to see it is the young girl from the first day. Conscious of Smurf's warning but also Captain Stern-Face's instruction that the mission is about hearts and minds, she decides to talk to her. She smiles, says hello and offers her a pen from her pocket. The little girl, who she reckons must be about the same age as Jade, one of her younger sisters, seems delighted with the gift and attempts to engage her in conversation in her broken English by asking "you stay?". She's worried that this is what Smurf was talking about, that the girl is digging for information about them. She gives the girl a brief smile hoping that she hasn't done anything wrong and walks away rejoining her Section.
The patrol passes without further incident and once they're back at the base the lads seem disappointed with the lack of excitement, whilst she is just relieved with the boring outcome. Captain Stern-Face gathers them around for a debrief, "The kids will come up to you, but don't be distracted. The ones on the bikes by the trees to the west could have been dickers. What are they thinking, Dawes?"
Shitting hell. This is the first time he has addressed her directly since the disastrous pre-mission briefing and she is acutely aware that none of their previous interactions have gone well either. She pauses, taking a second to gather her thoughts into something coherent, "That we're at our most vulnerable?".
He looks pleasantly surprised that she hasn't uttered some complete shite, but clearly isn't letting her off just yet, "Why?"
That feeling of being under pressure, like at school, is coming back but she's determined to not disappoint him again, "We're finding our feet, we don't know the terrain."
He actually looks impressed with her as his stern expression disappears for the first time, "Right. 2 Section back out at 13:00. Everyone go get some scoff."
She hangs back lost in her thoughts as she takes a moment to process everything that has happened so far.
She's incredibly relieved that there was no sarcastic comment from Captain Stern-Face and that she didn't let herself down again. She wonders if maybe it might help her relationship with him if she stops thinking of him as Captain Stern-Face.
Thankfully, Smurf didn't do anything on the patrol to make her more worried about him. She knows that the right thing to do is to raise her concerns to Captain James, but on the other hand she doesn't relish the thought of having that particular conversation with him even after he might no longer think of her as a complete idiot. She worries that she would be betraying Smurf's confidence, which she's not that minded to do, particularly as he's been friendly to her since their chat in the med-centre in Bastion. She's also noticed that the lads seem to take their lead from Smurf, so it probably is best to keep him on her side so early in the tour.
She shudders, having that peculiar and unsettling sensation, which her beloved Nan always says is someone walking over your grave.
She's further startled to realise that Captain James has not left either and is talking to her again, "You not hungry Dawes?"
She's unprepared for another conversation with him but manages to string a plausible sentence together, "I'm just gonna wait for the ruck to die down, sir."
He's staring at her questioningly, as though he doesn't entirely believe her. She wishes she didn't feel so completely nervous and intimidated by him. It's not just his confident Officer manner, but he's also a bleeding giant compared to her. She's overcome with indecision about whether to talk to him about Smurf. Stalling for time she finds herself saying, "Sir….."
Any goodwill he seemed to have towards her seems to be disappearing and he once again seems irritated with her, "Spit it out Dawes".
She pauses trying to decide what to do. Her instinct is to get away from Captain James as quickly as possible before she says or does something she regrets, "Nothing, sir. I'll go and get my scoff now."
Before he has a chance to challenge her further she runs away towards the mess-tent.
-OG-
The last thing she remembers was lying down on the bed in the med tent to rest her eyes. She's awoken from a vivid dream by the sound of Smurf shouting her new nickname, another sign that she's gradually being accepted by the lads, "Dawesy!"
He pops his head into the tent, giving her a cheeky smile and tapping his watch, "We're all waiting at the gate. No time to put your face on."
She quickly gets ready and joins the assembled Section, secretly pleased to see that Captain James is not joining them this time and she can avoid any more difficult questions.
-OG-
They're walking in single file, patrolling around the perimeter of the FOB and unlike the morning, there are no civilians present.
She's walking in front of Smurf, who starts up again about the little girl, telling her that it is a waste of time giving her pens as she probably can't read or write anyway. She tries to reason with him that they take so much for granted, knowing that up until now she hasn't really stopped to think how lucky she has actually been growing up in the relative safety of East London, be it in a slightly chaotic too large family with a fairly useless father and a downtrodden mother. Although she can't see him, it's obvious that he's not listening to her and is back on his, "they all grow up to hate you" refrain when suddenly the peace is shattered by the sound of a gun-shot.
She turns to see Smurf being hit in the neck by a single bullet, blood already pumping from the horrific wound before he hits the ground. She's almost certain that his injury will be fatal but is moving quickly towards him when she feels a piercing pain in her arm followed by another in her abdomen. She falls to the ground and instinctively puts her hands down to apply pressure to her abdomen wound. She is aware of feeling quite alarmed by the amount of blood pouring from her body as she loses consciousness and everything goes black. She has no more thoughts as she dies in a dusty Afghan desert.