So, I was listening to Help Me Remember by Rascal Flatts last night, and it totally inspired me to write this. I almost made myself cry just coming up with the idea, but I was listening to the song and imagining myself as Logan in this situation, and it was almost midnight and I just got emotional. Yeah, I'm just weird like that. :P But, anyway, please review and let me know what you think!
I know that you're leavin'
As soon as the sun
Comes through the window
There's no talking this over
The damage is done
Logan stood in the doorway to his and James's bedroom, arms crossed in an effort to comfort himself. His boyfriend of two years was hurrying about, throwing clothes into a suitcase. He was really leaving this time, and no amount of pleading from Logan was going to change that. It was for the best, they had decided, but it didn't ease the pain they both felt. They'd been together for a long time. It would be difficult getting through the day without the other one there.
James glances up at the raven-haired boy as he throws a few more shirts into the pile. They both hate the silence, but there's nothing more to say. It's done. It's over, and there's nothing else they can do. All that's left is for one of them to leave, and James has had enough of all the fighting, the hateful words they spit at each other. He knows that most of the time they don't really mean it, but there's never an apology, no making-up. He can't go on like this anymore. They love each other, they really do, but things are falling apart. They can't stop it, or fix it. It was just bound to happen sooner or later.
There's too much hurt
Too much to forgive
Oh, but we both know
We weren't always like this.
Their downfall had started three months earlier, when Logan had caught James kissing Carlos. The sandy-haired boy had insisted that he was drunk, both of them were, and that nothing much had happened, but Logan didn't know what to believe. After about a week of not speaking to each other, the brown-eyed boy had decided to forgive his boyfriend. But he still wasn't sure if he believed James, and they hadn't been able to trust each other since. This led to numerous fights. Stupid fights, really, but they were both expecting the other to leave any moment. They were worried and stressed out, and they knew things weren't getting any better.
The love between them just wasn't showing anymore. Both James and Logan had struggled to rekindle the flame that had held them together all this time, but it was raining too hard. There were just too many mistakes, too many arguments that ended with them sleeping in separate rooms. It hurt just to look at one another, to remember everything they used to be. They had been so strong once, impossible to break. Neither of them expected everything to come crashing down.
Logan steps forward, taking James's hand in his own. The hazel-eyed boy meets his gaze, and stops what he's doing. They're both so broken, but they still want this to somehow work. In silent understanding, the two of them embrace, their arms wrapping around each other in a tight hug. Neither of them wants to let go of the other, but they both know that they can't keep pretending things are alright.
Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'Cause you were lovin' me
James touches his lips to Logan's forehead, words un-needed as they let that familiar warmth encase them. It's not quite as strong as it used to be, but it's something, and it pulls at their heart strings. They just want this to work so bad, but it's already too late. They both know that, and it kills them inside. James had always thought they would last forever, and for this single moment, right here and now, he chooses to believe the lie. Maybe they can somehow fix things and they'll be okay. Maybe they could learn to love each other unconditionally again.
As his vision starts to become blurred, James pulls away from Logan, turning away so that the other boy won't see his tears. What he doesn't know is that Logan is silently crying as well as he struggles to breathe. In that moment, they had been so close to being the way they used to be, and everything had been almost bearable. As long as the other was there, they could always pull through. That's how they had gotten this far. And now, no matter what the other said or did, nothing could mend their broken relationship. They could hardly be called friends anymore, much less lovers.
Just for tonight, one last time
One more good memory
When I look back
That's what I wanna see
Oh, help me remember
Logan gently pulls the other boy to the bed, climbing up onto it and bringing James with him. They curl up in the center, James's head resting on the pillow while Logan lays his head on his chest. Still, no words are needed as they hold each other close, desperate to keep feeling that spark between them. For now, they can pretend that everything's okay. They can be at peace. Logan holds back a sob, and James strokes a hand down the raven-haired boy's cheek, wiping away the tears that rest there. It pains him to see the shorter boy so upset, and he knows it's mostly his fault. He should never have gotten so drunk that day, and he should never have let Carlos convince him to kiss him. And now everything was ruined, and they were both crying, and there was nothing James could do to fix it. He hated himself.
Meanwhile, Logan was trying desperately to come up with something to say. Maybe if he could relieve some of the pain, they could keep on going like nothing was wrong. Maybe James wouldn't have to leave. He knew it would be hard on not just him, but Kendall and Carlos, too, if James were to go. The four of them had been best friends for almost their whole lives. It just wouldn't be the same if one of them were missing.
Those days that were so good
Those nights that we held
Held on forever
When we weren't pretenders
We were as real as we felt
Both boys become lost in their memories, searching for that love they both felt. It hurt less to think of all the good times instead of the bad. The day they had met, the first day of kindergarten, had been one of the best days of their lives. They were so young, so innocent, so carefree. They didn't know it then, but fate had sewed them together that day. From then on, they were always together, always happy. It was always them. By the time they were sixteen, living in Hollywood, they both knew they were in love with the other, and they had been together so long, it just felt right to become something more than best friends. It didn't even take any effort; it just sort of happened. They were there for each other through thick and thin, holding on so tightly they never even thought about letting go. It would always be about them. After all, they were made for each other. They were one.
At least, that's what they had always believed. But now, for some unknown reason, fate had decided to cut the seams that held them together. Maybe they were never supposed to be together. Maybe fate had made a mistake when they were brought together, and now it was finally fixing things. They couldn't help but feel that this whole thing was completely unfair. Why did they have to suffer? Didn't they deserve happiness?
James tightens his hold on Logan, afraid to let go. They both know that when the sun comes up, everything will be over. So for now, they let the other's presence comfort them, and even though no words are spoken, the silence speaks for them both. Neither of them wants to end this moment. They want to lay here forever and hope for a miracle. They want to believe that everything is going to work out.
Oh, I don't want to fight anymore
Don't want the last thing I hear tonight
To be a slammin' door
Baby, let it be like before.
Slowly, almost cautiously, the brown-eyed boy climbs over James's body, positioning himself on top of him. He buries his face in James's neck, wetting the skin and causing the taller boy to shudder. But James doesn't make him move, and so the two of them stay like that, limbs tangling as they struggle to hold on to one another tightly enough. They're so close to being the way they were. They can both feel the other's love, filling the silence with all of its broken promises.
This is the first night in forever that they're not fighting, the first time in almost two weeks they've shared the same bed. They both let hope fill them. Maybe they've finally figured out how to make this work. Was this really all they needed? Maybe all they had to do was forgive and forget, and then things would go back to the way they were before. Logan almost smiles, nuzzling the sandy-haired boy's neck. He lifts his head, meeting James's eyes for half a second before he brings his lips down to his. And it just feels so right.
Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'Cause you were lovin' me
Just for tonight, one last time
One more good memory
When I look back
That's what I wanna see
They're lips move together, the heat around them intensifying. And they've finally managed to bring things back to normal, if only for a moment. It just a simple kiss, nothing more, but it's filled with passion and hope, and they both make themselves believe that they're mending their relationship with this one kiss. If they can just make this last, maybe James won't have to go, and they can have the future that was stolen away from them. If fate thought it could tear them apart, they would prove it wrong.
Logan and James both pull away at the same time, breathless. They stare into the other's eyes, just to make sure that what just happened is real. But as they break eye contact, all hope they had melted away. It was all a lie. They were just pretending. Everything was still broken between them. They could feel it, no matter how hard they tried to deny it. This just wasn't going to work. As soon as this night was over, they would be back to fighting, and both of them were desperate to end things this way, while they both felt so much love for the other. It would make things more difficult, but neither of them would have regrets.
This could be the last time
I look in your eyes
The tears threaten to fall once again, but they both hold them back. They know this is what they have to do. James sits up, bringing Logan with him. Their eyes meet once again, and they understand each other still, even without the words. Neither of them wants to fight again, and so it's best if James leaves now, before the sun comes up and washes everything they have away. Without breaking eye contact, James moves them to the edge of the bed and slowly stands, Logan willingly following. For one last moment, they keep their eyes glued to each other, letting every ounce of love they have left fill in all the spaces that have been made.
And then, slowly, James looks away, his heart breaking as he does. He bends down and closes his suitcase, making sure he has everything. He doesn't plan on coming back, ever. Sighing, the hazel-eyed boy stands, suitcase in hand. Without looking back at Logan, he slowly makes his way to the door, swallowing back the sobs that threaten to escape. There's nothing left for him here, and he knows it, but it's still hard to go.
Logan still can't seem to find the words, but James is so close to being gone from his life forever. He needs to say something, anything, before it's too late.
"Bye," he calls softly. It's all he can manage. James freezes in the doorway, and looks back over his shoulder at the only person he's ever loved.
"Bye," he responds, just as softly. And then he forces himself to move forward and out of the room. He won't say goodbye to Kendall and Carlos. It would just be too hard. He just goes without another word, trying to convince himself that this is for the best.
Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'Cause you were lovin' me
So, no happy ending for this. Funny, since I hate sad endings. But this just seemed to need an unhappy ending, so…