A/N: And I'm back! Here's my new story. Please note that the lines in ITALICS are lines from the song "Lost without you" by Blink 182. Haven't heard it? Check it out. It's amazing. The sections in BOLD are flashbacks
This story is SLASH, so please don't read if you are likely to be offended.
Lastly. - I don't hate Jeff Hardy. Just using my creative licence.
Please read and enjoy. And review! Your feedback is much loved and appreciated! :)
"I swear that I can go on forever"
Again.
Jeff had inched his way closer to Taker, slowly closing the gap between them until he had to crane his neck to look up into the eyes of his opponent. His lover
"Please let me know that my one bad day will end" Jeff muttered, almost pleading.
Taker didn't give him an inch, only looked down at him with the cold green eyes Jeff was used to from the Deadman but had never been subjected to by Taker. His Taker. Jeff felt the desperation rise up within him and begin to suffocate him. It was just a bad day. They couldn't be over because of one fight. Because of one day...Jeff's self reassurance faltered under Taker's glare...could they?
"Why don't we go together?" Jeff asked, more than aware that his voice had taken on a whining note, but too upset and confused to care.
"Come on Nero, be serious" Taker said dismissively. The giant Texan had obviously not picked up on Jeff's whining as he moved around the kitchen making dinner.
Jeff shoved his hand into the pockets of his jeans and leant against the counter, "I am serious" he muttered. When he looked up Taker was looking at him, his face unreadable.
"What's wrong with wanting to go together?" Jeff continued, a little more unsure of himself under Taker's intense stare, "I mean, all of the WWE will be there, it... it ah, makes sense that we go together" He finished lamely. Taker frowned at him then resumed making dinner.
Jeff watched him for a few minutes, admiring the confidence he projected in even such a simple task as cooking. He was relaxed and even humming a song that Jeff didn't recognise, and it made the younger man smile for a fraction of a second before his mind went back to his current problem.
"This benefit is a big night and I want you to be my date" Jeff blurted out in a rush. He watched as Taker placed the tea towel on the bench slowly and turned to face him.
"Sorry?"
Jeff faltered and almost began to backtrack, but he took a deep breath and straightened up,
"I want to go to this benefit with my boyfriend" he said, sounding more confident than he actually felt.
Taker was silent for a long while before he turned his back on Jeff, "No" he said simply.
Jeff stared at Taker's back in disbelief. How could Taker say no? They had been together, exclusively, for six months, it made sense to go together. Unless...
"Are you seeing someone else?" Jeff asked a little too shrilly.
Taker sighed. "Of course not Jeff. Don't be stupid"
"Well what's the problem?" Jeff demanded.
"There's no problem. I just don't think this is the type of thing you participate in as a couple" Taker explained, a slightly annoyed tone creeping into his voice.
Jeff was incredulous.
"What? This is exactly the kind of thing you go to as a couple" Jeff argued, his voice rising in volume. Taker didn't reply and as Jeff searched his face for any clue as to what the problem was, a thought hit him so hard he took a sharp breath in as if to deflect the impact of it.
"You're ashamed of me!" he almost yelled. Taker frowned and folded his arms across his chest.
"Jeff that's not what this...I'm not ashamed of you"
Jeff narrowed his eyes, "So there is something going on here?" he asked, picking up on Taker's slip of the tongue.
"No, it's..." Taker started.
"Stop lying!" Jeff pleaded.
"Just drop it Jeffrey. I said NO!" Taker growled, his tone ending any further discussion.
Jeff stood silent for a moment, paralysed by the pain of rejection.
"Right. No worries. It's perfectly normal to not want to go anywhere with your lover" Jeff muttered and turned and walked out of the kitchen before Taker could respond.
They had never fought before, but never, not once did Jeff think that it would break them if they did.
As Jeff stared up into Taker's eyes, the older man bowed his head slightly and Jeff, reading it as a sign of regret, took another step onto the plank.
"I will go down as your lover," he whispered, touching the giants hand so gently, it almost went unnoticed, "Your friend" he continued. When he felt no resistance, Jeff took that final step of the plank... then jumped.
Give me your lips and with one kiss
We begin...
Jeff's lips pressed against Taker's and his soft green eyes closed automatically to savour the feeling of his lover's mouth. It was one single moment of perfection...before he felt himself flying through the air.
Jeff's mind barely had a change to register the pain in his chest before his body cleared the top rope and connected with the concrete floor. With the sudden impact of pain came the roar of the crowd, invading the peaceful silence he had been in moments before.
Both the pain and the lights were blinding and as Jeff tried to focus his gaze on the ring, Taker came into view. He had a microphone.
"I don't know what you're playing at boy. But I'm going to make you pay for touching me like that – you little fag"
The last part was nothing more than a hiss but it rang in Jeff's ears as though it had been screamed and it ricocheted inside him until it hit his heart, shattering it into a thousand pieces. What had happened?
The crowd became deafening and Jeff forced himself to get up and make his way backstage. Taker's music was echoing through the stadium and Jeff hung his head. Despite the shock, he continued to push himself through the hallways of the arena, forcing his feet to move him through the crowds of superstars that were looking at him with either shock or pity. He was too numb to even register their presence. His mind refused to function past the one thought that was running on repeat; it was over. The one man that made his existence had publicly hurt and rejected him. It was all over...
Are you afraid of being alone?
'Cos I am
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of leaving tonight?
'Cos I am.
I'm lost without you.
3 weeks later...
I'll leave my room open til sunrise for you...
Jeff sat, frozen in place on the bed. His body ached from being motionless for so long. His eyes, red from tears that felt like they had been shed a life time ago, were trained on the television but occasionally glanced at the unlocked hotel room door. In hope? In desperation? He had given up trying to stop himself from waiting for Taker to walk through the door, days ago.
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Jeff hadn't even been interested in watching television when he had turned the thing on. He had just hoped it would in some way drown out his own thoughts. He hadn't even glanced at it until some announcer declared "WWE the Undertaker's whirl wind romance ends in fairytale" …
Jeff's heart had stopped.
He was still waiting for it to kick in again as his eyes glanced to the door for the hundredth time that day,
He desperately wanted to stop himself from looking back at the television. He would rather spend his time watching that damned door and hoping against hope that his lover and reason for loving life, would charge through and take everything bad that had happened, away.
But he couldn't stop himself, and found his eyes following Taker's every move as he made the final few steps to stand in front of a crowd assembled for his wedding.
Wedding...
Jeff felt his throat tightened and the panic set in as he struggled to breath. How could Taker be getting married? It had only been three weeks. And why was he getting married on television?
Jeff heard himself utter a strangled laugh at the absurdity of his thinking. Of course the pressing matter was why it was being televised.
He wanted nothing more than to move and turn the torture devise off. Failing that, throw something through the screen to stop the disgusting clichéd music that now filtered through the speakers.
How could this be happening?
Jeff was almost sure that he could force himself over to the stand to end it all, before he saw her. The beautiful blonde Diva that was walking down the isle. The girl that his Taker was smiling at. He was going to marry her.
Jeff was thankful that the tears finally blinded his vision. Relieved that his own pitiful sobs had drowned out the sappy wedding music that was torturing his ears.
He curled up into a ball on the bed with his unwashed, multicoloured hair falling over his face and clinging to his cheeks, dampened by his tears. He couldn't stop his mind from going over every single moment with Taker – searching for home hint. Some sign to indicate that this was how it would end. There hadn't been. Taker had spent six months in a devoted and loving relationship with him. He brought Jeff flowers, made romantic dinners; he had bought him gifts and made love to him in the most gentle…
Through his hysterical sobbing, Jeff saw the one fault in what he had believed was his fairytale. In the six months they had been together, they had never once gone out in public. In those six months, Taker had never held his hand in front of co workers, or kissed him in the lobby of a hotel. Not once.
Fresh tears started to fall as the realisation hit him. Had Taker never really loved him? As he glanced at the television, he could see why. Jeff could never compete with the stunning woman that Taker was, at this moment, giving his heart to. Besides the obvious, she was gorgeous and poised and popular. A list of things Jeff was never going to be and didn't even know where to start trying. What could he possibly have to offer Taker?
Eventually, his tears stopped and even though the constant dull pain was still firmly lodged in his chest, he succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep, still curled up in a defensive foetal position, as though it would protect him.
Although Jeff knew that a part of being a WWE superstar meant endless travel, endless hotel rooms and endless amounts of time that could be better spent with loved ones, it didn't stop him from laying haphazardly across the hotel bed and openly sulking. He had been dating Taker less than a month and he now had to face the last leg of their latest tour alone, losing his new lover to organised time off. It was painful and frustrating and Jeff was unable to find anything adequate to take his mind off his dilemma.
He considered sketching; something that always managed to take up hours of his time, but couldn't force himself out of his melancholy or off the bed. He knew it was childish, but he missed Taker and knew that nothing was going to ease his restlessness except the utter contentment he found when he was in the older man's arms.
He glanced over at the hotel room door and shook his head in mild amusement at his unwavering optimism. It was unlocked. As his room always was since he had started this whirlwind romance with Taker. That way, the dead man could always come into his room, whenever he wanted. It was one little gesture they shared. Nothing significant. But somehow it meant a lot to Jeff.
Looking over at the standard alarm clock that was a part of the hotel room's décor, Jeff saw that it was after midnight. Even his unwavering hope could not deny that he was not going to be getting a late night visitor. He was just about to reach over and turn out the lamp beside the bed, when he heard the door click open.
Jeff sat up in time to see Taker walk through the door, an over night bag in one hand and a bouquet of wild daisies in the other. For a moment Jeff sat in complete surprise at the sight before him, and then he leapt off the bed in one fluid motion and into Taker's already overladen arms.
"Nero, you certainly make things difficult" Taker grumbled, in a voice that told Jeff he didn't really mind at all. Not that it mattered. Jeff had wanted this so badly his whole body had been aching with need. He wasn't moving away from Taker for a second…
Where are you now? I can hear footsteps. I'm dreaming…
Jeff awoke suddenly; sure that he had heard the unmistakable sounds of heavy footsteps near the door to his room. Holding his breath, he waited for the sound of the door to open. As it had so many times before. A few seconds passed before Jeff realised he was holding his breath for nothing. That he would never again hear those sounds. The sounds of his lover coming to him in the night to make the world right again. Falling back onto the bed, Jeff groaned in misery. Things were never going to get any better than this. He wasn't strong enough to survive this.
And if you will keep me from waking
To believe this…
Jeff desperately wanted to go back to sleep. Back to where his world made sense and he couldn't stop himself from smiling. He wanted to fall into that blissful oblivion of unconsciousness and live out his days happy and content; because that's the only way he could see it happening.
The more he thought about it, the more he believed that was the best he could hope for. The means of, in some form, getting what he wanted. Of getting Taker back.
He forced himself out of bed and slowly made his way over to the door, that was still unlocked. Resting his forehead against the cool timber, he reached out and flicked the lock.
Sighing a little, and impatiently brushing a stray tear away, Jeff rummaged through his things to find his sketch pad. He hadn't opened it in three weeks but he opened it now and with a quick hand, scrawled a simple message on a blank page before tossing it carelessly on top of his bag. He stared at it for a moment, unsure if it said all that he wanted to say, but it would have to do.
With deliberate steps he moved through the room and onto the balcony. The cool air hit him and he took a deep breath in, before climbing onto the railing. It was no different to the top rope of the ring and Jeff felt strangely comfortable there.
Looking out into the night, Jeff couldn't help but wish that everything had turned out differently. Maybe if he hadn't pushed the issue, he'd be wrapped up in Taker's arms right now, instead of alone and wishing he could live in his dreams.
Are you afraid of being alone?
Cos I am...
Fate had been cruel and as Jeff let go of the roof above him, he finally felt as though he was taking his heart and his fate back. Finally taking control...
Are you afraid of leaving tonight?
Cos I am...
and with his arms held out and his heart beating wildly with adrenalin and fear, the enigma let go of everything and became the high flyer he had once been before any of this had started.
I'm lost without you
Matt stormed through the hallways of the arena. No one was game to get in his way or stop him to ask how he was. Everyone knew better than that. He was clutching a piece of paper in his hand so hard that it was little more than a scrunched up paper ball. He was a man on a mission.
When he saw Taker up ahead, he didn't hesitate walking up to the older and bigger man. He was surrounded by a couple of superstars, offering their condolences on the legends recent split from his young wife.
What a joke Matt fumed. He glared at the other superstars, who took little time in making themselves scarce. Matt turned to Taker and saw the grief in his eyes. It almost made him laugh.
"If you think I'm here to tell you how sorry I am about your divorce, you're mistaken. I don't care how torn up about it you are" Matt spat, not even trying to conceal his anger and hatred.
"If you knew me at all Hardy, you'd know that's not why I'm upset. I…I heard about Jeff… I'm sorry" Taker told him. His voice sounded more gruff than usual. As though he had been crying. It didn't sway Matt's feelings.
"You're sorry? After what you did?" Matt asked.
"I don't expect you to understand Matt. I couldn't do it. I couldn't make my relationship with your brother public. The rumours that were going around… my reputation was on the line. My career. I had to save it"
Matt sneered. "Your career? You're over the hill Taker – the only thing you had going was my brother and you traded it in for what? A couple of more years in the spotlight?"
"I never meant to hurt him" Taker said. He was looking uncomfortable, something that never happened with the Deadman, "I wanted to take it all back, but it was too late. He was already gone"
"Hurt him?" Matt laughed. "You didn't hurt him Taker. You killed him"
"That's unfair Matt. You can't blame me for what happened. No one knows why Jeff jumped" Taker growled in defence.
"I know exactly why" Matt retorted, shoving the crumpled piece of paper he held into Taker's large hands, "I hope you remember every single day for the rest of your 'career'. I hope what's on that paper haunts you for the rest of your life!"
Without another word Matt walked off, leaving Taker to watch after him. It was a few moments before Taker smoothed out the piece of paper and read the few words that were scrawled in Jeff's elegant writing.
I will go down as your lover. Your friend…