AN: I do not own these characters. This is a fanfiction. Nor do I take any ownership or have any association with Dr. Phil. Please leave a comment!
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Clapping filled the room and then stopped as if it was on command. As the truth stood, it was on command. The audience that filled the stage room followed simple signs that lit up to inform when the action should be started and finished. It was all to make the TV show look better than it actually was.
Four seats rested on a small stage. Three of the chairs were empty. Dr. Phil sat in his normal spot to the audience's right. "Today's guest says that he's tired of his lover's dominant behavior. He complains that his husband is always trying to tell him what to do. Not only that, but his husband will leave whenever he feels like it, and then refuse to talk about where he went later. Let's look at a clip."
A large screen lit up behind Dr. Phil as it showed the tacky home video of the couple's issues:
Sirius Black was rested rather comfortably in a chair. He had just finished taking his last bite of a spare rib and was now chewing on the bone. Meanwhile, Remus Lupin dusted the curtains off. Sirius flung back the bone of the rib at Remus after he got bored of chewing on it. "Mooney! Get me a butter beer!" he said without ever looking around.
Remus sighed and grimaced as he pivoted on his foot and stared down at Sirius. "Can't the house elf ge-"
"Shut up! This is on Muggle TV!"
"I don't appreciate that tone with me, Sirius-"
"Oh well excuse me! Don't make me Avada Kadavra you!"
The video cross-dissolved to the next scene:
Remus looked up from The Daily Prophet as Sirius went to the door. "Where are you going?"
"Merlin! Do you have to be so controlling!? It's none of your business."
Several hours have passed and Sirius finally came back. Remus sat at the table and stirred a single cup of tea. "It's late…where were you?" the man inquired without looking up.
"What!?" Sirius jumped as he ran to the table "No dinner!? You didn't make me dinner!?" he ran around the table several times and then ran to the cabinet. "Did you at least save me anything!? I want some snacks, damnit! You know, you could have been out getting some food while I was gone!"
"You could have been out getting food!"
"Well I was busy! Unlike you, you lazy-ass wolf!"
Remus flung his hands to his face, sobbing loudly. "I just want you to love me!"
The video dissolved. In the television set, Remus Lupin's face leaked tears as Sirius sat yawning, legs parted and scratching himself. "You just don't get it!" Dr. Phil glared at Sirius. "You are supposed to be his husband, and to call him such a degrading name! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Pft…it's not like he's any better of a wife! He doesn't even make me dinner or give me more than six hand jobs a day!"
"I try! I try!" Remus bellowed.
Dr. Phil rubbed over his baldhead, which was sweating madly from the anger. "Now do you really think it's his job to cook and pleasure you?"
"Hell yes! What else is marriage suppose to be!?" Sirius growled.
"It's supposed to be honest! I just…I just want to know where you go! Why won't you tell me!" Remus continued to cry.
"Now, Mister Lupin…" Dr. Phil cleared his throat.
"As you know, back stage we gave Sirius a lie test. You had a question you wanted to know from your husband…and we asked him." He paused as he shifted his cards. "Have you, Sirius Black Lupin, cheated on your husband? You answered no…the detector said this was a lie."
The audience gasped loudly. Remus threw his hands against his face and cried more. "Upon this…Sirius kicked the lie detector over, owing us thousands of dollars, and admitted to secretly having another lover, to whom upon he with."
"Oh…oh Merlin!" Remus shouted as the tears flowed out of him even more.
"And we have a surprise for you today…he's here in the studio. We are going to bring him out and talk about this like adults…and were going to see if we can save your marriage…so here is…Severus Snape."
The audience booed and hissed as Snape walked out onto stage. Sirius at once stood up with his normal charming smile and embraced the man, kissing him on the lips. Remus refused to look. He stared down at the floor, shaking his head. Snape took a seat next to Sirius. The two of them held hands.
"Now….now….this is complete inappropriate behavior. He is not your husband!" Dr. Phil gestured to Severus then over to Remus. "He is! How dare you give that other man affection and not Remus! HOW DARE YOU!"
The audience roared in cheering. "How dare I?" Sirius responded, rather insulted. "I'll tell you how dare I, because this man has a better arse!"
Severus immediately slapped his palm to his face. "For Merlin's sake Black, not on Muggle television…" He mumbled. Sirius rapidly stood up and smacked Snape across the face. "I'll do and say whatever I want on television. You're my bitch!"
Snape stood up straight from his chair and punched Sirius across the face. "I told you, the slave and master play is over!"
Growling, Sirius pounced on top of Snape and started to smack him across the face over and over.
"Get them under control!" Dr. Phil shouted. Two security guards, one bald, ran up to the staged and pulled Sirius and Snape apart. Dr. Phil then turned to Remus. "What do you think about this? What are you feeling?"
It took a moment for Remus to speak, but eventually he swallowed down the wad of snot that fell to the back of his throat. "I…I just don't understand…."
"What don't you understand?"
"How I didn't…know that he was…sleeping with Sna…Snape…because I…."
"Because you what, Remus?"
"I…have also been sleeping with Snape."
The audience gasped and Sirius broke free from the security guard's grasp. "You fucking little—" a series of beeps flooded the studio to block out all the curses words that were said.
"Fuck-" Muttered Remus.
"Shit-" Snape cursed in return.
"Yeah…yeah, that's right! Snape's been pounding my ass, and it's better than you!" Remus stood up and pointed at Sirius.
"How dare you!" Sirius growled and picked up one of the three chairs, tossing it at Remus. Remus toppled over and hit his head on the stage. He received a deep gash and blood splatter all over Dr. Phil.
"Sweet Texas pie!" Dr. Phil gasped. Remus twitched and pulled himself up.
"Don't hit my lover!" Growled Snape as he threw himself on top of Sirius, knocking him to the floor. He latched his hands around the male's shoulder and started to slap him down several times.
"S-Sirius!" Cried Remus, taking off his shoe and throwing it at Snape's head. Snape tumbled back.
"What the beep Remus!?"
"I love him! Don't hurt him!"
"But…I thought you loved me! I love you!"
"I…"
Severus stood up, running off stage as he grabbed a light. He ran back to Remus and pounded it against his him. Remus instantly caught on fire from the light breaking on him.
"AHHH! AHH! Oh Merlin! HELP!"
"That's what you get for sleeping with Sniv!" Hissed Sirius as he dragged himself up and unzipped his pants. He instantly urinated on Remus's burning body. "I'll put out the fu beep ing fire!"
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Snape yelled, pulling his pants down and cupping his fingers in his ass. He took out a chunk of fecal and threw it at Sirius's head.
"Stop this at once!" Yelled Dr. Phil.
"Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil!" Chanted the audience. Dr. Phil ripped off his suit. Under it he was dressed in a black wizarding robe that said "Avril Lavigne" on the back. He also ripped off his facemask, and it turned out to be Albus Dumbledore.
"Lets all stop this fighting."
"Just try to make us, old man!" Snape barked. Dumbledore smiled and took out a bag of marshmallows.
"Marshmallows, marshmallows, yay!" Cheered Sirius. He stuffed his cock back in his pants and ran over to Dumbledore. Snape also came over. They took out their wands and impaled the marshmallows on them. Dumbledore also shared them with the audience. They all gathered around Remus's burning, now dead, body and started to roast them.
The end.