Phantasmagoria

By TwinEnigma

Disclaimer: Done for fun and no profit, obviously do not own Naruto or Bleach.

AN: AU - Konoha Gakuen universe, crossover with Bleach, language

"Did you see that?"

Naruto pulled his head up from the desk reluctantly and stared sleepily at the speaker, one of his new classmates and current rival. "See what? Is detention over yet?"

The other boy, Sasuke Uchiha, glared at him disapprovingly and grunted, going back to cleaning the chalkboard. He still sported a split lip from where Naruto had punched him earlier. "I thought I saw someone in the hall, moron. And no, detention's not over."

Naruto glared at him, wondering what the hell his problem was, and then yawned loudly, stretching in his chair. It wasn't like he really cared – after all, he had bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

The Uchiha suddenly turned again, opening the door to the classroom and staring out into the hallway. "...Umino-sensei? Is that you?"

Naruto yawned again, standing. "It's about time," he muttered, collecting his papers and wincing as he noticed the spot on the page where he'd accidentally drooled on it. Dabbing at the spot with edge of his jacket as he walked towards the front of the room, he looked up and suddenly stopped still in his tracks.

Sasuke Uchiha was white as a sheet and backing slowly away from the door as a liquid-like blackness with a strange white mask appeared in the door frame. He stumbled a bit as he backed into their teacher's desk.

"What the fuck?" Naruto blurted out.

The other boy turned his head at that, dark eyes widening in horror. "Behind you!"

Naruto turned and let out a very unmanly scream, leaping away from a second inky black monster that appeared to be coming up through the floor. "W-What the fuck is going on? What are these things?"

"They are called hollows," a girl's voice said calmly, as the door at the back of the classroom slid open, revealing the figure of a girl in a black, old-style kosode and hakama, with a sword tied to her obi sash. She stepped into the light, revealing a very familiar mane of pink hair.

"S-Sakura?" Naruto and the Uchiha chorused, equally shocked.

Sakura Haruno was a girl in their class, a bookworm Naruto had discovered to have a rather annoying habit of always being right, sticking to the rules and a short temper. She was the one who had reported their fight to Umino-sensei and, well, he'd been quite sure she must have left when the rest of the class did. But here she was, dressed like she'd been on her way to some sort of period play.

The two inky monsters turned, their masks sliding up and spinning around to face the girl.

"You need to move on," the pink haired girl said, drawing her sword. She took a step forward and disappeared. She reappeared on the other side of the room, sheathing her sword, as the two monsters split in half and disintegrated.

Naruto stared as his brain tried to catch up with what he'd just seen and then he beamed. "That... was awesome! Can you show me how to do that?"

The girl blinked, staring at him and then at the somewhat shell-shocked Uchiha contemplatively. "You can both see...? How odd."

"...Of course we can see! We've got eyes, don't we?" Naruto replied, giving her a look like she'd grown a second head. "What the hell's so odd about that?"

"It just is!" she answered, huffily. "You're not supposed to be able to see me or Hollows!"

Sasuke Uchiha finally seemed to find his voice again. "Um, Sakura... What are you doing? And what the hell are you wearing?"

"It's my uniform, idiot," she growled, shooting him an angry glare. "I'm a Shinigami!"

Naruto couldn't help himself – he snorted and laughed.

The Uchiha paled and slapped a hand over Naruto's mouth as the pink-haired girl's face darkened in anger, her legendary temper sparked. "I'm sure it's just the shock talking, Sakura! He doesn't mean it!"

Naruto struggled, trying like hell to shove the other boy off of him. "...The hell I don't! Who the fuck claims they're the shinigami? That's just fucking crazy!"

The Haruno girl shook with rage, the floor beneath her cracking as the air around her seemed to get denser. Then, she reached out, grabbed Naruto by his collar, and pitched him across the room, sending desks flying everywhere.

He stayed conscious just long enough to see the Uchiha prick catch a fist bare-handed, only to receive a follow-up punch to the face for his trouble.

Umino Iruka opened the door to his classroom and immediately blanched. Sasuke Uchiha, the class prodigy, was lying in a heap on one side of the room, next to a rather odd circular split in the floor. His split lip had reopened and he now sported a noticeably black eye, in addition to bruised knuckles. The new kid, Naruto Uzumaki, lay unconscious on the other side of the room, apparently having been tossed into the desks. He, too, was noticeably bruised and his clothes showed signs of a fight.

The teacher sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm not paid enough for this."

Not surprisingly, both boys were reluctant to come forth with an explanation for their second fight of the day when he woke them up.

Iruka sighed again and advised them to stay put while he got some ice from the nurse's office. He also cautioned them that if he came back and found them fighting again, he'd personally see to it that they had detentions for the rest of the year.

"I can't believe you kissed me, you blithering moron," the Uchiha hissed, visibly seething.

Naruto growled, baring his teeth, "It was a fucking accident, you goddamn prick! I told you already!"

"I don't believe it," the dark-haired boy said stubbornly. "You planned that."

The blond boy sprang to his feet and shouted, "Are you fucking insane? There's no way, bastard!" He paused, leaning down to glare at the other boy and ground out, "I like girls."

"Are you sure? You seemed to enjoy it a bit too much, moron."

"Fuck you, bastard! I'm going to kick your ass again!"

A short distance away, Sakura smiled beatifically as she spoke into her cell phone. "Yes, the situation is taken care of, sir. I've replaced their memories of the incident."

She paused, listening as there was a crash and Umino-sensei's footsteps thundered down the hall at full speed.

"Of course, I'll continue to monitor them," she continued, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger and smiling. "...Very closely."

AN: Oh Sakura, we know you love the NaruSasu.

What is her sword name/shikai/bankai? I have no idea. When I originally wrote this, I just wanted to do a little cracky one-shot crossover with Konoha Gakuen Den.