Let me tell you a seeeecreeet.
Idon'tactuallylikeIchigoverymuch. There, I said it. Hee hee, this is another story in the series of Bleach Crack Pairings (TM). I think there are about ninety in all, but the chances of me writing them all are very, very slim.
Disclaimer: Do not own. Kubo owns.
(I don't actually own a cat, but I have a friend that does. This story is directly inspired by her experiences with her cat. XD)
Curiosity Killed The Cat
[No, seriously. Get off me. Now.]
Ichigo woke with his foul play sensors on full blast. On instinct, he slammed a hand upwards to ward off his father, surprised when there was no impact or overzealous loud noise. He cracked open an eye.
A black cat was sat on his stomach, washing one paw delicately, looking for all the world like it belonged there, and certainly didn't intend to move any time soon. Ichigo groaned.
"Get off, Yoruichi," he insisted. The cat did not pause in its washing, giving him what could only be described as a derogatory look from the corner of its eye. "Hey, I mean it," he insisted, detaching a hand from the covers with intent to push.
"If you're going to use that hand for what I think you are, I would strongly urge you to reconsider," Yoruichi remarked in a deceptively masculine voice. "Unless you don't really like your hand all that much." Ichigo rolled his eyes.
"Just get off my bed," he insisted. Yoruichi licked a paw once more, drawing out the lick just to drive in the point. "You are not funny."
"Neither are you," Yoruichi responded, curling up. "You're quite comfortable, though."
"Oh, for God's sake!" Ichigo exclaimed, reaching out to push her off him and snatching it away as the flash of very sharp claws made him change his mind. "How am I supposed to get up with you sleeping on me?"
"You're not meant to," the cat responded as though it were obvious. "I thought you'd be pleased. The closest you've ever got to a relationship before is keeping a girl in your closet."
"H-hey!" Ichigo protested. "And I was not in a relationship with Rukia!"
"All the more cushion for me, then," Yoruichi replied with a catty shrug, curling up once more.
"Cushion? Hey! Stop that! Don't you dare go to sleep!" Ichigo insisted. "Oh, man… When did you even get here, anyway?" Yoruichi-cat did a mock snore, just to get on his nerves. "I refuse to have a cat sleeping on my bed." Yoruichi lifted her head to look at him, a wicked look in her slitted eyes.
"Is that so?" She responded. "In that case…"
"No! Nonono! Don't transform!" Ichigo tried, both hands free and waved desperately in a stop motion as power started to gather around her. He slammed the hands over his eyes as the flash of light that accompanied her transformation shot across his vision.
"Is this better?" Yoruichi asked, her voice feminine once more. Ichigo struggled into a sitting position, eyes determinedly closed.
"Either turn back into a cat or put some clothes on, or I'm not looking!" He exclaimed. "Stupid cat transforming into a nude woman…" He heard Yoruichi laugh, and her weight removed itself from him. He heard the sounds of clothing and doors being moved, but refused to open his eyes. He was not going to be subjected to that sight again. Once was more than enough.
"Open your eeeeeyes," Yoruichi insisted, and Ichigo was subjected to a tickle attack, the likes of which had not been seen in the Soul Society for over 100 years, most likely to the intense relief of a certain black-haired nobleman.
"Ah! Hahaha! Yoruichi! Haha- stop it! Hahaha!" Ichigo protested in between laughter, squirming under her. "Not fair! Hahahaha! S-stop it!"
"Eyes open. Excellent," Yoruichi decided. Ichigo was highly relieved to see that she was fully clothed. "You're very easy to annoy, you know that?" Ichigo groaned.
"I hate you," he muttered, panting from the effort of laughing so hard. "And my stupid ticklish body!" Yoruichi grinned evilly.
"Nobody can resist my tickles," she responded proudly. "Now get up and get me some breakfast. I want some milk. Hop to it, slave." Ichigo considered protesting, but in the end just said 'yes ma'am' dejectedly and trailed down the stairs.
"I can't believe I'm pouring milk for that catwoman at… At half past six in the morning." He paused "Half past bloody six!" He rubbed his spare hand down his face in pure frustration. "Stupid cat. Stupid woman. She's a goddamn demon. A demon cat." This suitably established in his mind, he replaced the milk and stomped back up the stairs with the kind of air surrounding him that only a sulky teenager can only really pull off well.
"Why, Ichi! How nice of you to get me a glass of milk!" Yoruichi remarked. She was splayed out across his bed in what could only be described as a highly provocative manner.
"I hate you," Ichigo responded sulkily, handing over the milk. "I hope you die." Yoruichi smiled widely.
"Good boy," she responded, patting him on the head like he was a dog. "Go and get yourself a biscuit- I mean, breakfast. Good substitute." Ichigo crossed his arms huffily, and stomped down the stairs again, wishing a hole would open up in the ground and swallow him.
His father was there this time.
"Gooooood-" he started, but Ichigo dealt him a punch to the face in passing that laid him out on the floor.
"Get a life," he replied, grabbing a bowl from the cupboard and tipping some cereal into it. "Seriously." Isshin jumped to his feet.
"I'm ok!" He declared triumphantly to the world.
"I'm happy for you… Reject…" Ichigo replied, pouring milk over his cereal. "Now get out of my sight, I've had a bad morning."
"Ah, Masaki, our son is so cruel!" He lamented to the giant memorial poster, tears pouring down his face in what could only be described as comedic fashion.
"Loser," Ichigo muttered, feeling acutely embarrassed as he sat down at the table to eat his cereal – he didn't feel up to braving his bedroom again. First Rukia, then Kon, then the Soul Society's association for reject men in sunglasses, and now Yoruichi.
"A breakfast fit for a king!" His father remarked enthusiastically. "Eat up, eat up!"
"You're only likely to encourage me to do the opposite," Ichigo replied, trying to decided between eating fast to escape his father, or eating slow to escape Yoruichi. He settled for normal speed.
"Ichi!" Yoruichi protested, appearing at the door. "Why are you staying down here?" Ichigo choked on his own cereal. "Oh, hi Isshin. I'm borrowing your son." To Ichigo's utter and total surprise, his father just shrugged.
"But… You… I… What are you doing down here?!" Ichigo spluttered, only narrowly avoiding sending cereal all over the table.
"Checking to make sure you haven't tripped over your cereal bowl and died, duh," Yoruichi responded. "Hurry up and eat, we have a visit to make."
"I'm in my kitchen with a demon cat and my father hasn't even batted an eyelid… this is a nightmare… Wake up, Ichigo, wake up!" Ichigo told himself determinedly. For some reason, Yoruichi's face spread into a wide grin.
"Say, Ichi, did you come up with that on your own?" She asked. Ichigo nodded slowly. "I knew we were made for each other." Ichigo frowned.
"Wait, what?" He asked, before yelping as Yoruichi grabbed him and sped off outside.
He crashed into bed that evening, feeling beat. He yelped as Yoruichi decided to join him.
"What the hell? Get off! Why are you even here?!" He demanded.
"I was lonely," she replied, kicking her legs in the air lazily. "Little Byak's no fun to chase any more, Kisuke refuses to lose that hat and I figured you were the third most easy person to try." Ichigo blinked.
"…'Little Byak'?" He repeated dubiously. "Wait, wait, you think I'm easy? I resent that." Yoruichi brandished a hand, and he held up his to ward her off. "Whoa, whoa, no!" He protested.
"Easy," she deduced happily. "Plus you're not strong enough to dislodge me."
"Nobody is!" Ichigo protested. Yoruichi considered this.
"Maybe," she agreed. "Either way, you're my sleeping cushion from now on whether you like it or not. Now the question is…"
"Cat! Cat! Oh god please cat!" Ichigo cut her off before she could ask the question. Yoruichi smirked, light gathering around her, and she transformed.
"Cat it is, then," she agreed. "But don't even think of trying to move me." Ichigo groaned.
It seemed he was in for hell.
A/N - I'll agree that it should have been longer. I agree that I fail. I'm sorry -_- Please tell me if Ichigo was in character or not...