Title: Wormtail's Not An Idiot
Rating: T
Genre: Humor/Romance
Summary: It was quiet after that, the only sound in the nearly-deserted Gryffindor common room being the crackling fire and the scratching of quills against parchment. Then out of nowhere came:
"I wonder what they do all the time." One-shot, Remus/Sirius. Crack.
A/N: I present to you, my first completed non-derp fic! (though it's still total crack)
This was written as a Secret Santa gift to someone...can't say who yet! The more...dirty stuff is thanks to my friend WendigoGirl. She warned me not to let her run loose with a slash fic, and I barely managed to salvage this XD Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Harry Potter was not my idea. Everything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling!
"They're certainly together a lot," said James. Lily looked up from her Transfiguration essay and looked at him.
"Who?"
"Moony and Padfoot, of course. I don't have anything against them; in fact, I think it's nice that Padfoot helps Moony recover from his 'furry little problem' every month."
Lily nodded, and thought to herself, What a random time to bring it up. But she knew James. To keep his mind off of his homework, he often brought up random subjects. It had stopped annoying Lily long ago.
It was quiet after that, the only sound in the nearly-deserted Gryffindor common room being the crackling fire and the scratching of quills against parchment. Then out of nowhere came:
"I wonder what they do all the time."
James and Lily dropped their quills in shock and stared at Wormtail. Their mousy friend smiled uncomfortably.
"I mean, they're always alone…" Suddenly Lily realized the path which Wormtail's thoughts were headed.
"Oh, no. Peter, you pervert! You know Remus and Sirius aren't like that!"
Still clueless, James stupidly asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Wormtail here thinks that our friends are…to put it lightly 'spending quality time together'." Despite the obvious innuendo, James was still completely puzzled about their meaning.
Lily groaned, and through clenched teeth, she said, "He thinks they're going at it up in the dormitory, you dunce."
"Oh…" James looked less confused. Then, he realized what they were implying. "Ew! Dude, that's just…"
"Think about it! They're together quite a lot, aren't they?" Wormtail persisted. In his simple mind, it made perfect sense.
In Lily's and James's minds, however, they just couldn't envision it. Moony and Padfoot were pretty good friends, closer to each other than the rest of the Marauders. But still, it was just…wrong.
Lily rolled up her parchment and gathered up her things. "I'm going to bed. At least the girls aren't sickos like you two."
"Hey! I'm not the one thinking like that; Wormtail started it!" James called after her. His only reply was the sound of the door leading to the girl's dormitories closing.
James glanced warily at Wormtail, to see if he was going to continue his argument, but the boy had returned to his normal state—staring off into space while chewing on the point of his quill. Sighing, he tried to finish his own essay. The subject was already hard enough, but he found it difficult to concentrate as Wormtail's words floated in his head.
But finally, he managed to push the dirty thoughts out of his mind and finish his homework. Gathering up his things, he climbed the steps to his dormitory. As his hand was poised to open the door, Wormtail's argument came back to mind. Shuddering, he knocked. He honestly didn't believe him, but it never hurt to be careful.
When Wormtail finally went to bed, he found his friends sleeping peacefully. He had been joking earlier, but as he stared at Sirius and Remus, he began to wonder if he could possibly be right. He had nothing against same-gender relationships, but he didn't think that his friends were like that.
But now that he thought about it, it was pretty hard not to find evidence to support his theory.
Padfoot was always the one that stayed with Moony the day after the full moon. Remus claimed that Sirius had potions to heal bruises and other minor injuries (which he stockpiled throughout the year to help him survive the summer at home), but nowadays Sirius had no need to keep them, as he lived with the Potters. Also, as a seventh year, Remus could make them himself. Though it was a pretty good reason, Wormtail couldn't help thinking that it had become a bit of a cover-up story.
Also, the duo seemed to spend more time with each other than with the other Marauders. Again, their reason (Remus tutored Sirius to help him pass his exams) sounded too much like an excuse to Wormtail.
He was excited to have thought of reasons to support his theory, and he resolved to tell Lily in the morning. But one look at the clock—which showed that it was well after midnight—made Wormtail forget everything except his need for sleep.
All through the night, James was plagued by nightmares which involved him walking in on Moony and Padfoot while they were…No, he told himself. It can't be true. Wormtail was just messing around. Only, for once he actually managed to get to me…
At breakfast, while trying not to fall asleep into his cereal, he saw that Lily clearly hadn't slept much either.
"Wormtail get to you too?" he asked.
"Yep. I see now why he's a Marauder."
"Funny, isn't it? I never thought he had that much potential," James said, hitting himself in the eye with his spoon.
"You never thought who had that much potential?" Sirius asked, sliding into the seat next to James. His sudden appearance made James jump, causing him to fling his cereal across the table onto Lily.
"U-u-uh, no one had potential?" James answered, handing Lily a napkin.
"Okay…" Sirius shrugged off James' strange behavior and started loading his plate with pancakes. "Do either of you know where Moony is? I need to asked him about something he showed me in–"
"What?" Lily and James exclaimed in unison.
"I need to ask Moony about something he showed me in our History of Magic textbook. I didn't understand it."
"Oh," Lily sighed with relief. "Sorry, we haven't seen him."
"H-h-hey, g-guys," Wormtail said, stifling a yawn. He nearly collapsed into the seat next to Lily's and put his head on the table.
"What's with you guys?" Sirius asked. "You all look like you didn't get any sleep."
"We were, uh, studying for the, uh, Herbology test today," James lied, shifting his eyes from side to side.
"Since when is there a Herbology test today?" Sirius asked. "You guys are going mad." He shook his head in shame and speared a pancake. "And I'm the one who needs help."
"Whersh oo-uhh..." Wormtail mumbled into the table.
James leaned over and pulled Peter's head up by his hair. "What was that?"
Wormtail yawned again. "Where's Moony?"
"I was just asking that," Sirius said. "He's probably holed up in the dormitory reading about squirrels or something."
"I was not reading about squirrels, Padfoot."
"Moony!" Sirius jumped up from the table and hugged his friend. "You weren't eaten by a book!"
"I wasn't what?" Remus looked to his friends in confusion but they were all staring at him, eyes twitching. "What's wrong? Padfoot, let go." He shook off his clingy friend and sat down on the other side of Lily.
"Nothing," they mumbled, turning back to their breakfasts. That is, except for Wormtail, who was now sound asleep.
"Pads, is something wrong?" Remus asked again.
"I dunno, probably. They were like this before you came. They weren't as...red, though." This statement caused James to become even more interested in his corn flakes and Lily to turn the same shade as her hair.
"Okay then…" Remus picked up his fork and took a jab at Sirius's plate, stealing a pancake. "You guys study for the Herbology test?"
"YES!" James shouted. "I told you there was a test today."
Sirius shrugged. "Meh, I'm failing anyway." He made a halfhearted attempt at getting his pancake back from Remus. "That's my pancake."
"Finder keepers." Remus took a bite of the pancake and stuck his tongue out.
"You can't findthings on my plate! I found them already!"
"Nope."
"Nope? Give me back my pancake, Moony!"
"It's my pancake now, Padfoot," Remus rebutted, pointedly taking a bite of the pancake.
"Moo-ny. Stop that." Sirius grabbed his friend's hand and pulled it over. "Let me just have a farewell bite." He took a huge chunk of the pancake in his mouth and then tore it off. "There."
Remus stared dejectedly at his pitiful piece of pancake left on his fork before shoving it into his mouth.
Meanwhile, Lily and James were turning deeper and deeper shades of scarlet, Lily's skin was now even redder than her hair. James coughed awkwardly as he tried to keep his mind out of the gutter.
"Wuzzat?" Peter lifted up his head and gasped. "I KNEW IT!"
"You knew what?" Remus asked, stealing another one of Sirius's pancakes.
"I KNEW YOU TWO WERE SECRETLY HAVING SEX!"
The entire hall went silent. Students and teachers were frozen with their forks halfway to their mouths. Peter's face changed color to match Lily and James'.
"WHAT THE HELL, WORMY?" Sirius asked. He stood up and pointed at Remus. "MOONY AND I ARE NOT SHAGGING IN THE DORMITORY!"
"Sirius," a nearby fifth year hissed, "no one knew who Peter was talking about before."
Remus groaned and slapped his palm to his forehead. "Padfoot..."
James rubbed his eyes again, hoping to make the page of his History of Magic book stop blurring. "This is rubbish, why do we need to know about the Great Fire of London?"
"Because," Lily said, "it was caused by a Muggle rebellion force trying to eradicate witches and wizards and led to the first organized mass-murder of Muggles in Britain's history."
"So?"
Lily pinched the bridge of her nose. "Never mind."
Wormtail, who still hadn't completely recovered from breakfast fidgeted. "Uh, Prongs...?"
"Yeah, Wormy?"
"Where are Padfoot and Moony?"
James' hand twitched. "I dunno."
Lily coughed. "I'm sure they're just studying, right, Wormtail?"
"O-of course, Lily. Definitely."
James slammed his book down. "I'm done with this. I'm gonna go check on them so we can get this out of our systems and move on!" He stormed up the stairs to the dormitories and stood outside the door. No sounds were coming from the room except for pages turning and a frustrated sigh from what he guessed to Sirius. Feeling confident about the lack of moans, James opened the door and started to stroll in. What he saw stopped him in his tracks.
Sirius was perched on the edge of his bed in just his trousers and shirt. He had a book open in his lap and was staring at it, visibly frustrated with what he was reading. That wasn't the weird part though. Behind him, Remus was sitting on his knees, playing with Sirius's hair. His ran his fingers through Sirius's dark locks and kissed the tip of the strand. As James watched, Sirius closed the book and sighed. Remus, seeing his chance, leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck. He slid his hands down towards the bottom of Sirius's shirt and he started undoing buttons. "Come on, Pads," he whispered. "Forget about school for a minute." Remus pressed his lips to his companion's cheek and growled. "We've got the room to ourselves, mate." Sirius leaned into Remus's touch and sighed happily. Remus smiled in triumph and undid the last button on Sirius's shirt. He then moved his hands down towards his trousers and undid the belt, sliding through the first loop.
James shook himself out of shock and closed the door carefully. There was too many things wrong with that scene. Moony had kissed Padfoot and told him to forget about school. Shaking his head, he backed down the stairs into the common room.
"What's wrong, James?" Lily asked as his sat down. "You're white as a sheet."
"Wormy, you were right. About Padfoot and Moony."
Wormtail spat out the pumpkin juice he was drinking. "What?"
"You were right. Moony and Padfoot are spending some quality time in the dormitory."
Lily's eyes widened in shock. "You mean...?"
"Yep. Wormtail's not an idiot after all."