I
It's been three years. Three long, violent years have gone by since war was declared throughout the Republic. Three years have gone by since my life has been a common target for those who wish to see the demise of our government. Three years have gone by since Anakin Skywalker was assigned to be my Jedi protector throughout the crisis, and we eloped to my home planet of Naboo and vowed to love each other until death do us part.
Three years of war have gone by. The evidence is clear. The toll of the war is visible, whether observed by the physical damage done to the history and architecture of the hundreds of Systems who have fallen victim to the plague of battle. The toll is visible, whether seen by the decreasing number of familiar Jedi who return home to the Jedi Temple for solace. The toll is visible in the increasing number of clone troopers, gunships, and military forces that soar the skies, guard official buildings, and monitor every inch of Coruscant, the Galactic Republic's hub.
As a political figure, I see these changes first hand. No matter where I go, I am escorted there with at least two clone troopers. A gunship rides along with our transport and flies with us through the lines of traffic until we land safely in our designated docking port. I've gotten used to all the added security. I've gotten used to someone always being there, always at the ready. But what I still have not gotten used to, even after three long years, is the inner loneliness and depression brought on by the distance and absence of my husband.
Anakin Skywalker. Saying the name alone in my head makes me blush. Three years have passed since he and I were reunited and fell in love on Naboo. Three years ago we married one another on the garden terraces of the Naboo Lake Retreat. And three years ago we vowed that no matter how complicated our situation would become, we would return to our normal lives, and try to make our relationship work underneath the secrecy of it all. It was both the easiest and hardest decision I've ever had to make.
I love Anakin with all of my heart. I fought for our love when we were both inches from death in the execution arena on Geonosis. Being with him means more to me than anything at this point in my life now. My mother was right; eventually I would want to set aside my duty for my personal life. However, I would be lying if I did not elaborate on the hardships and worry I have had to face for three agonizing years as I would hear about him returning to the Jedi Temple after another threatening mission on a remote System, recuperating for what seemed like only a moment, then being sent off in another Republic Attack Cruiser with a battalion of troopers, strategizing and preparing for another planet's liberation.
Some times I would only hear of his return through gossip in the senate, or those adversaries who had known of our close friendship. Other times I would hear about his adventures in passing, leaving it up to speculation as to whether or not the stories were true. However, there were few times where I would be able to sneak out into the lower districts of Coruscant and meet him in the streets. Concealed by hoods, we would recognize each other only by the loving look that our eyes could unmistakably share. And before I knew it, Anakin was gone, and I was back to my work, and he was somewhere else in the galaxy, fighting for freedom.
While it will be an ongoing issue that I will have to face in the future, the struggle of keeping my marriage a secret has been moved to the back of my mind lately, to be honest. As important as I have allowed my personal life and relationship with Anakin to become, I still have my active involvement and passionate participation regarding my duties in the Senate to worry about. I'm not just a wife. I am a Senator, and my involvement means more to the Senate and to the preservation of democracy than ever now, given the cost the war has had on the Republic and it's crumbling state.
It pains me to see our great democracy struggle to keep balance and order throughout this overwhelming wave of chaos brought on by the war. In a strange way, democracy was my first love. I wonder how the Republic will stand after all of this. I wonder whether it will succumb to the temptation of its threat, or if it will be able to hold its own and emerge prosperous. I want to hope for the latter, but something about my experience with the former has me skeptical. Is there another solution to this mess after all? Is the Republic still worth fighting for? Who is to blame? Which side is "right" anymore?
The blame does not fall on any one person, however. Chancellor Palpatine is surely doing the best that he can with the power he has been granted. Still, even his efforts have proved to disappoint the masses lately. Three years of sending Jedi and troopers off to fight battles over and over have sent much criticism and jeers his way. I do feel bad for him, but this is his job. His struggle to maintain a lead on the Separatists will only bring him criticism when the media exploit him throughout the galaxy.
I want to feel sympathy, I want to feel sorrow, and I want offer a helping hand to an old friend and colleague. However, these three, war-filled years have caused us to grow apart from one another. It has caused me to become quite emotionless in this matter of politics. He and I go back to my days as Queen of Naboo. I would expect some respect and warmth from such an old friend, someone who came to such high power due to my call for a replacement of his predecessor. However, his rise of power has only led to distance between us, especially since the war.
Before the outbreak of war, when the only string of violence visible was the threat on my life, and the breakoff of the Separatist Systems, the Chancellor had a rather stable control on the Republic. Since the war, it is clear that there is political unrest. It is clear that his processes and ruling methods need reformation. It is heartbreaking to see the crippling effects that these violent circles of events have caused. The war begins and the Chancellor is granted Emergency Powers in order to react appropriately to the blows. The more power the Chancellor receives, the more involved and invested he personally becomes in the war. The more involved he becomes, the harder it is to introduce a new sovereign leader. This has been the past thirteen years of his reign. It has become too hard to simply replace him and elect a new Chancellor now that he has all of these executive powers and involvement in the war. I respect and admire Chancellor Palpatine greatly, but this is not what the Republic needs. This is not a democracy.
Chancellor Palpatine's rise to power has truthfully created distance between him and a number of people since the war began. With everything he has to deal with, all of the issues that are brought to his office every day, there is little time for personal meetings or get-togethers in the way we had done years ago. I rarely see him outside of congressional meetings in the Senate with the thousands of remaining Senators in attendance.
These three years have been costly for everyone in many aspects. However, even in the midst of darkness, there is still a small, flickering light of happiness. Anakin and I have been able to arrange small meetings when he was on breaks from military missions. I would wait for him on Coruscant and together, we would run off to our favorite spot: the Lake Retreat on Naboo, the site where our love blossomed under the clear blue skies, lush green mountains, and calm tranquil lake.
Our most recent trip was the longest and most exceptional sojourn we were able to have with each other. It was magical. The beauty of the Lake Retreat combined with our intense and bottled up love for each other led us to a romance that left the familiar love symphony chorusing through my head for days.
It was that particular escape with him, just a few months ago, where the sun dipped below the horizon, and there was a moment where the two of us connected as lovers, husband and wife, Anakin and Padme. It was that escape where I woke up feeling anxious and different one morning. It was that escape where I found out that Anakin and I were going to have a baby.
My pregnancy was a joyous, but personal occasion. I kept it a secret from Anakin for the remainder of the journey. I did not want to scare him. I did not want him getting distracted from his job, which he would be returning to in a few days. It was painful. Not the pregnancy, but the secrecy of it all. It was hard enough to be secretly married to Anakin in a universe that would forbid it, but it was even harder to keep this baby a secret from him. I had no one to tell. The one person who I was able to tell everything to, who shared my deepest, darkest secrets with was unable to know the one thing in my life—our lives—that made me happier than anything. It was like falling in love all over again. It was like falling in love, but not being able to tell anyone. Just like before. Just like always.
Anakin and I returned to Coruscant when he was summoned to the Outer Rim with Obi-Wan. It was crucial now that I was there too. People tried to tell me that Naboo was a safer place for me, which I knew deep down that it really was. However, my heart told me that being on Coruscant for Anakin's returns mattered even more.
There are two people who do know the news of our secret child, despite the gravity of the situation. They are the two people I trust more than anyone, besides, well, Anakin: my faithful handmaiden, Dorme, and trusty protocol droid, C-3PO.
I contemplated on telling them at all, but in the end, I found it a necessity that they know my secret.
Dorme has been such a faithful handmaiden to me after all of these years. She has put her life on the line for me, disguising her to act the part of me countless times when I've snuck off to Naboo to be with Anakin. While she may not know the identity of the father, it was crucial for her to know that I was pregnant because I will be keeping this a secret from the rest of the Senate. As the one responsible for my wardrobe, she will be able to craft beautiful gowns and robes that will hide the pregnancy flawlessly. Keeping this a secret from Dorme was simply not an option. If there's anyone I could trust with this, it was Dorme, my friend, my sister, my handmaiden.
Anakin gave Threepio to me as a gift when he was sent off on his first war mission. Threepio was one of the two witnesses to see our secret union at the Lake Retreat three years ago. I love him like a companion also. Lately, I can't remember a time when he was not somewhere close to me. In fact, I had his metal coverings I gave him on Tatooine replaced with shiny, perfect gold-plated coverings. He spends so much time helping me in every way possible that telling him was almost as inevitable as telling Dorme. It had to be done. He would know eventually anyway. He is a droid, after all. His intelligence could probably read that I was pregnant before I ever felt anything.
While my unexpected pregnancy does make things a bit more complicated for Anakin and me, I know we can make it work. Just as we made our marriage work for the past few years, this too will work. I know that things will get complicated once I become more pregnant, and especially when the baby comes, but for now, I must keep my focus on what others expect me to be focused on.
The timing could not have been more perfect; a sweeping attack on the Capitol led to a wave of panic throughout the Senate districts. While I realize that usually I am at the epicenter of the action, or seek it out to end it, this time I know it is wise to remain quiet, out of the matter, and use the attack and threat as a reason to keep to myself with Dorme and Threepio in the safety and solace of my apartment.
I try to receive reports of the attacks when Captain Typho comes into the apartment and tells us that there is a blockade in the skies above the planet, where the Chancellor is being held prisoner. Republic forces have sieged the blockade, and two Jedi are leading the attempt to rescue the Chancellor, two Jedi we know very well: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.
My mind immediately floods with a multitude of reactions. First, I find relief that Anakin is returning so close to me. Surely once he and Obi-Wan bring the Chancellor back to safety they will be rewarded with some time off—time he and I can spend together. I also feel some trepidation. My pregnancy is beginning to show quite a bit now. I can no longer keep this a secret from him. I will have to tell him when I see him next, and the thought of his reaction inexplicably fills me with anxiety.
What is it about Anakin that makes me so nervous and yet, so in love? What is it about our situation that is so troubling, yet so romantic? What is it about this war that is destroying people and planets every day, but also creating life when the galaxy is shrouded in death? What is it about these three long years that have caused me to change both my priorities in life and my ideals, which were once so solid and clear to me?
I stand on the open balcony of my apartment and look to the bright, midday skies. Captain Typho remains close to me, looking around anxiously for any signs of attackers that would try to take me down while I'm out so openly, so foolishly. But I do not care that I am exposed to the open air. After all, I just used staying in the apartment as an excuse. I stand in the open, trying to see some visible sign of this battle over Coruscant, wondering where my Anakin is within the chaos, and when he will come back to see me and his child I'm bearing.