your infinity is carved into my heart
Rin closes his eyes and it's as if the fireworks were waning.
He can remember it. He remembers how he smiled at him when he asked for his name. He remembers their first date. He remembers their second date at the pool and deciding that he was person he wanted in his life. He remembers when he finally worked up the nerve to ask if he could him his boyfriend.
He doesn't want to see it, but he needs to remember the feeling of a memory. His hands drift over the hard bark, and he can feel the outline of their initials in the wood. He feels the poorly drawn heart and the infinity sign and he wants to let go.
He remembers this day. The day, four years ago, when they came out here and grabbed a knife. They decided they would be that "cheesy classic couple". He remembers and he wishes he didn't.
His fingers lightly dance over the carved letters and his heart clenches. He just wants it back. He wants it to return to how it was. He wants it to be when they would laugh at nothing and hold hands in the car because even the short distance seemed like miles away.
But that won't happen anymore.
He opens his eyes and the R and the H that was entwined in the infinity sign pierces through him more than he likes to admit.
Sometimes, Rin likes to wonder about all the possibilities that aren't. He wonders what would have happened if he had asked him to marry him sooner. He wonders what would have happened if he didn't get drunk that one night. He wonders what would have happened if he never fell in love with him in the first place.
Of course, it only causes him to feel more miserable than he was in the first place.
This happens too much for Rin's liking.
His pillow no longer smells of Haru and now Rin can't remember it. He knows chlorine was involved, but there was more.
There was always more and now Rin can't remember. When he woke up that morning and subconsciously pressed his face into Haru's pillow only to find nothing, a feeling so empty settled in the bottom of his stomach.
He wanted to remember. He wanted to remember everything, but at the same time, he wished there was nothing to remember.
Love wasn't fair.
He's incredibly drunk.
His phone is flickering on and off with text messages from the friends he left behind in the club. He had been grinding. He had been trying to get rid of the numb feeling, but nothing was working.
Then, his mind had wandered off to the tree in their—no, his—backyard. He wanted it gone. And he was drunk. He was sad and he didn't know what to do. So there he was, unlocking his phone with Haru's birthday because he was too attached to change it. He pulled up his contact number and before he knew it, it was ringing.
One.
Two.
The third ring passed by just as quickly.
And finally just after the sixth ring, Rin realized what he was doing was a mistake and wasn't fair, he could hear the ringing stop. He heard silence and he heard a sharp intake of breath. He wasn't sure if it was his own. He doesn't know if he wants to know.
"Haru?" Rin breathes out. Rin was so, so drunk, and he was done. The memories swarmed him, completely grasping his mind with laughs and tears he wishes he didn't want to remember.
"How can you get carvings out of a tree?" he breathes out, trying not to collapse completely. This time he knows it's his own breath that he hears because it's loud and it seems to be screaming at him. He knows Haru knows what he's talking about. There's no way he doesn't. And he continues because he's cruel and unfair. "I carved our names in the tree but you don't love me anymore."
That's all he can say. It's all he wants to say. He wants Haru to be there with him. He wants Haru's arms to completely wrap around him and he'd get lost. He'd breathe in and out and cry and smile and he'd be happy. He wouldn't have to worry about that one-night stand that's looking for a real relationship. He wouldn't have to worry about what he says in public about relationships in order to stop receiving looks of pity.
But Haru is not there with him.
"How, Haru? How can I get rid of it? It's carved forever. It's infinite. We were infinite. How do I fix the carved tree?" he asks, his voice dropping softer with every word. Why did he call him? He's unfair. It's his fault. He shouldn't be doing this to him. Rin thinks he's crying now. "You're carved into my heart, Haru…how do I fix it? How can I redeem it? How?"
Rin doesn't know when his legs collapsed, but he knows that he's on the cold ground, and he knows that he doesn't want it to continue like this. He just can't stop loving this boy. Haru still hasn't said anything.
"How?" he cries, his voice shaking and his every fiber of his being felt cold and sick. He knows this isn't fair to Haru, but he cannot help it. He's lost. He can't stop speaking. "I still love you. I never stopped. I've loved you for too long and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I know you don't want me to love you. I know that it's my fault. I know. I know, but…I can't help it. I can't help it!"
It's so quiet.
Everything.
He remembers feeling Haru's lips against his for the first time and smiling into it. He remembers holding hands with him for the first time and that giddy feeling that wouldn't go away for weeks. He remembers every touch, every caress, and he wants it to stop.
"I want to stop loving you. But I can't, and I'm sorry. Please please please come back to me. Please," Rin whispers, feeling himself fall on his back. His hair gets wet due to the leftover rain from the morning, but Rin doesn't care. He doesn't care. He hears a beep and he knows that Haru's gone from him.
Rin wants to stop caring.
Rin just lies there, staring at the stars, remembering the feel of Haru's hand in his.
Rin finds the ring he was going to give to Haru a few days after the incident outside the bar. He's stopped responding to his friends and they've already stopped calling him. He stares down at the topaz ring and Haru's beautiful eyes flash before him.
He wants Haru. He wants Haru and he's so desperate for his touch, but he knows Haru will not give it to him. It's all his fault.
Rin's hand grasps the ring and he can feel it leaving a crease in his skin. Good. It's the only thing now. He still had some of the pictures, hidden deep within his closet, which he had hidden there on the day he decided to let Haru go. He slips the ring on his finger and stares down at it. It shines back up at him and Rin watches as his tears fall into his hand.
He doesn't care. He does not want to care so he will not. He will not.
He can't.
The topaz just sits there, reminding him of when he'd wake up and see Haru's eyes staring at him.
Rin cries himself to sleep, clutching his hand with the ring tightly to his chest.
Rin needs to hear Haru's voice again.
He sits at home, in the couch where'd they snuggle and watch t.v. and holds out his phone. He opens up Haru's contact and presses the green call button. It rings and rings and rings and the phone next to him blasts his rings. Rin closes his eyes and listens to what he knows he listened to on that night, but ignored. The only thing besides the ring that he had left of Haru.
His voicemail.
"This is Haruka Nanase. I'm sorry for missing your call. I will try and call you back as soon as you can…Rin, give it back!" The voice changes to his own and Rin starts to cry.
"Hey it's Rin, Haru's boyfriend! He can't answer the phone, obviously, and he'll call you back soon, okay? Sorry. I had to do this because Haru sounded way too serious and well…here you are, Haru. Don't end it lamely." He hears the shuffling of the phone being passed between the two of them and a short silence that Rin remembers was when he had leaned over and had given Haru a short, chaste kiss.
Sure enough, Haru returns, breathless, "Yeah. Goodbye."
The phone beeps and Rin doesn't want to remember.
He doesn't want to.
But he does.
So he talks. He talks and talks about everything because it's the only thing that will allow him to remember and at the same time, to forget. He had bought Haru's phone a long time ago, what was it now…two years? And yet, Rin cannot forget.
Haru's name is etched in his heart just as their names are etched in the back tree.
And Rin cries again because he can't help it. He wishes Haru was still here, even if he was on the other side of the world and hated him, he wishes he could still wonder what he was doing then and now. But he still does wonder. He wonders what they could be doing. He wonders if Haru is with him now. He wonders and wonders and he says all of those wonders aloud. Because Haru had promised him infinity those many years ago, and Rin takes those promises very seriously.
Infinity.
In the next life, Haru doesn't die. Haru doesn't leave Rin until they've lived their entire life. They don't remember their previous life, of course. They don't remember and that's good. Rin got to forget his own death of which he pulled a trigger. Haru gets to forget watching his old boyfriend pull that very trigger. They don't focus on a past they don't know.
They focus on their future. They focus on their infinity. They focus on the infinity sign with their initials carved into it on the tree, and they hold hands and stare at the stars and it's as if their fireworks had just begun.
*Y'all can interpret what happened with Haru's death and how it was Rin's fault anyway you want. It's fine. Anyways, I wrote this because I was inspired by a post on instagram that said something like "how do i get rid of carvings in a tree? i carved ours but you don't love me anymore" and so yeah I was inspired... :)
Reviews are HIGHLY appreciated.Love y'all. :)
Bai guys.
-DiAnna44
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