Magic Ace

By EllieLovesToRead

I'm taking part in NaNoWriMo again this year and I needed to wind down from today's writing session and this was the result. If anyone is curious, I am actually asexual. I think there needs to be more asexual characters in on TV and in books so this is my little contribution.

If anyone is wondering when I'm going to update my "I Used To Live Here Once" story (if there are actually people still reading it now) it won't be until after NaNoWriMo is finished but I will definitely be updating it in December, or maybe sooner if I need to wind down again. =)

Anyways! I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters within the series, that accomplishment belongs to J.K. Rowling.

The weekend had finally arrived, and with it came terrible weather. The sound of the torrential downpour outside and the quiet chattering of my friends were slowly lulling me to sleep. It wasn't easy for me being cooped up inside, the outdoors was very much my playground. If I didn't fly on my broom, feel the wind in my hair or even bask in the sun for a couple of days I'd get restless like a caged lion, or rather a caged stag would be the more appropriate beast. It's not that I didn't like the indoors, quite the contrary, I just liked the freedom of the world without doors getting in my way, no matter how fragile that freedom was. An illusion of freedom was better than none at all in my books.

To rid myself of the sombre tone of my thoughts, I turned my attention towards my friends. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were their names and they were amazing. I couldn't ask for better friends. I could, however, wish for a different topic of conversation. I'd normally sit back and let the others do the talking when this subject cropped up as it was wont to do, however there was no escaping it this time when Peter turned to me with an inquisitive look.

"What about you, Prongs? How many girlfriends have you had? How far did you go with them?" he asked me.

"I bet he's had a few, ain't that right, mate? Handsome lad like you must have had plenty of girls crawling all over you," Sirius added eagerly. Sirius wasn't wrong about one thing, I had had girls lusting after me in the past but I had never gone out with them, nor had I had any sexual encounters. I was ashamed to admit that to my friends but the truth was that I didn't even want to have sex...with anyone.

"You know me guys, Lily is the only girl for me," I replied with a fake grin. Why did your status as a 'man' have to go hand-in-hand with having sex with a woman? It was times like these where I had to fall back on my old excuses. I didn't intend for Lily to become my excuse but she was convenient. She was a pretty girl but I couldn't say that I was attracted to her.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "Have you had any luck with her recently?"

"Don't you think I'd have told you if I had?" I hated having to lie to my friends all the time but I didn't know how to tell them. The whole thing was a show, to blend in, to seem normal...not broken. I'm sure Lily was getting as sick of my nagging as I was actually doing the nagging.

"You know he'd have shouted it from the rooftops if Lily had even paid him the slightest bit of attention," Remus added. I had them all fooled and I felt guilty.

"I think there's something going on between Alice and Frank," Peter suddenly interjected. We all laughed at that.

"Where have you been living, Wormtail?" Sirius jested. "Under a rock in the Forbidden Forest?"

"That's old news, Pete," I added.

"I think the whole school knows about them being together," Remus laughed and rolled his eyes at Peter. "And might I say, that that was a long time coming!"

"Yeah," I said, "those two have been dancing around each other for a very long time." In fact, Alice and Frank had been friendly ever since we'd started Hogwarts way back in our first year.

"Really?" Peter actually sounded surprised. Sirius just rolled his eyes at that. I was then grateful for a change in the conversation. There was only so long you could avoid giving a direct answer to a question before someone caught on.

Much later when the grey skies had finally turned into a dark blue but still raining nonetheless, I had secured myself a spot in the armchair by the fire. These winter months seemed colder than usual. Maybe the dark times looming just around the corner had something to do with it. The rumours that Voldemort was gaining more and more followers was a frightening thought that often kept me up at night. People were even saying that Dumbledore couldn't keep Hogwarts safe indefinitely.

I snapped myself out of my miserable musings and turned my attention back to the homework that I'd been attempting. Transfiguration was easily my best subject, it wasn't easy to pull off being an illegal animagus after all, but I really wasn't feeling it tonight. I guess I still had tomorrow to finish off my essay. I gave a tired sigh and placed the incomplete homework onto the table in front of me. I was about to get up and find my friends but I spotted a hesitant figure approaching me from out of the corner of my eye.

"Uh, hi, Potter," it was Lily. She was clutching something in between her hands.

"Lily!" I greeted her warmly although I wasn't feeling the grin I gave her. "What can I do for you?"

"Who says I want anything from you?" she retorted defensively before looking a little embarrassed.

"Well why else would you have wandered over to my corner?" I asked her in a light tone.

"Maybe I was just cold," she replied.

"There's plenty of room," I said whilst gesturing to the empty chair next to me. She promptly sat down but didn't relax. She still looked as though she wanted to ask me something. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she replied to a little too fast to be telling the truth. "Why do you think there's something wrong?" I chuckled a little. There was definitely something going on. Lily was acting very unusual.

"For starters, you keep staring at me," I raised an eyebrow at her, "and secondly, you look as though you're going at bolt again second. Why are you so tense?"

"Okay, you've caught me," she said with a wry grin. "I need help with my transfiguration assignment. Marlene said that you're probably the best person to ask."

"You need help?" I asked. An involuntary laugh escaped my mouth before I could stop it. "I guess there's a first for everything."

"Oh shut up," Lily replied good naturedly. "Everyone needs a little help now and then, even me."

"So what do you need help with exactly? I was actually doing my assignment too. Did you want to work together?"

"Yeah, okay, I'd like that."

"Great, then we're sorted." I grinned at her as I reached for my recently discarded homework. I really did enjoy spending time with Lily, I just didn't like her in 'that way'.

Long after we'd finished up our homework, and long after most of the other Gryffindors had gone to bed, me and Lily were still talking.
"Yeah, yeah, she really did it," Lily laughed, "I didn't think she would but she did!" Lily's eyes were alight with excitement and laughter. We both were a little excitable.

"She'd fit right in with me, Sirius and the others," I replied.

"Ha, I bet she would but I'm not letting you corrupt her!"

"By the sounds of it she doesn't need our help," I argued.

"True, true but at least she's tameable at the moment."

"What and I'm not tameable?" I joked.

"Well, I can handle you by yourself but not when you're with your friends," Lily replied in a serious tone. The light atmosphere had vanished. I don't know if I liked where our conversation was now headed.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked defensively. It sounded as though she didn't approve of my friends.

"No, I didn't mean it like that." Lily's eyes widened as she realised what she'd just said.

"Then what way did you mean it?" I don't care if she didn't like me but to not like my friends by default was not okay in my books.

"I just meant that you can be really sweet when they're not around and then you turn into this really obnoxious-" Lily sighed and slumped down in her armchair. "I don't know...if you were like how you were tonight all the time then I would seriously consider going out with you but as soon as you're with your friends you turn into this cocky entitled brat. It's two completely different people and I just can't keep track of what's really you." I was right, I didn't like where this was headed. I felt guilty for playing with Lily's emotions all so I could pass as a normal human being. I also felt scared. I couldn't reject Lily after all these years putting on a show, telling everyone I fancied her. I'd lied to my friends, I'd lied to her and practically nearly everyone in the school. I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. That would definitely be preferable than the conversation I was about to have.

"Look, Lily," I started in a quiet, gentle tone. It was time to come clean. Hopefully Lily didn't see me as a freak, I don't think I could stand it. "I-I don't know how to put this."

"Just say it," Lily urged. "It's not that difficult...is it?"

"It's...not exactly so straightforward either," I replied, stalling for time.

"All it seems to me is that you show off in front of your friends," Lily said.

" Sort of but not for the reason you're thinking," I reluctantly said. Here goes nothing. "I've always done it for as long as I can remember. It's sort of become second nature to me now."

"What has?" Lily looked very confused now. I guess nobody could have anticipated where this conversation would lead.

"Just stay with me here," I said in a wry tone. "It's a long and complicated story and I don't really understand it myself, not really, but you're going to be the first person I've ever told. Not even Sirius knows."

"I have no clue what's going on right now," Lily said in a strained voice.

"Just listen and you will hopefully understand."

I had to build up my courage to tell Lily what was going on with me. You'd think it would be easy but it wasn't. I'd overcompensated and blown things out of proportion. If she didn't believe me I'd be devastated. I wouldn't be able to tell anyone else ever again if she didn't accept me. What if she believed me but thought I was a freak? Was it normal not to find anyone sexually attractive? Or was I just wrong? Broken?

"I've never had a crush on anyone before," I started. It looked like I had Lily's full attention, so I continued, "Like never ever, not once. And I still haven't." I looked up with guilt. I needed to gage Lily's reaction. What does she think of me now? I was pleasantly surprised when she was still patiently waiting for me to go on, not an ounce of judgement in her eyes. "My 'crush' on you isn't a crush. I like you, you're a nice person and you were very, how do I put this, convenient.

"You were the first girl from Hogwarts that I'd met and you were so nice, so when Sirius asked who I had a crush on, your name immediately jumped into my mind. I couldn't back down from it then, he encouraged me to pursue you, try to get you to go out with me and I was so ashamed that I'd lied to him that I went through with it. I'm so sorry Lily, I've hassled you all these years and it was all for nothing." I looked up at Lily, she could perhaps see the remorse in my eyes. What surprised me is that she didn't seem angry. She was looking at me with a fond look. Did she not understand what I'd just said?

"I forgive you James," Lily replied sweetly. "You're not alone in this." I looked at her curiously. "It's called asexuality, ace for short. It's a legitimate sexual orientation. It means that you don't experience sexual attraction like other people do."

"Asexuality?" I stretched out the word. It seemed foreign on my tongue but somehow it fit.

"Yes," Lily replied with a small smile. "I was reading about it the other day. There are many different types. It's a whole spectrum: grey-ace, demisxual... a lot of asexuals also have a romantic orientation too."

"Romantic orientation?" I was beginning to feel like a parrot.

"Yeah," Lily replied although she seemed a little less certain with this answer. "I didn't read much about this but I remember the article mentioning hetromantic, homoromantic, aromantic and biromantic , there were probably a few more but I can't remember them off of the top of my head."

"Wow, that sure is a lot to take in," I replied. I was a lot of information in one night. It felt good to be not only accepted but to be able to give a name to what I am.

"I suppose it is," Lily agreed. "I'll find you that article tomorrow but for now, maybe you should take your time and figure out who you are."

"Okay, maybe we should head up for bed, it's getting late," I suggested and hesitated for a moment before saying "Thank you Lily for understanding and for helping me understand." My next step was figuring out my romantic orientation and trusting Sirius with this bit of information. He'd hopefully understand as well as Lily had and help me with my romantic orientation.

"You're welcome James," Lily replied knowingly as if she knew something I didn't, and perhaps she did. If I wasn't asexual then Lily would definitely be the sort of woman I'd happily go for and you never know, maybe in time I'd grow to love her and behave like a regular old boyfriend for her, if she'd let me. Only time would tell.

* * *
It was later when I was back in the boys' dormitory when I was laying in bed when the day's events finally sunk in. I'm asexual. I repeated that phrase in my head like a mantra, I'm asexual, I'm asexual, I'm asexual. I didn't realise it at first but I was grinning like a madman in the dark. My friends had long since gone to sleep and I was left to my own thoughts. I wasn't broken, I wasn't alone and Lily had accepted me. I'm asexual! I'm asex- And then I had to muffle my sobs. I was crying and I couldn't stop. Using my pillow to stifle my gasps, I hoped that my sleeping companions didn't wake up and find me like this. I wouldn't be able to explain what was wrong with me. I was really happy that I had a name for what I was but at the same time I was devastated that I'd forever be expected to do things I didn't want to do, that I couldn't possibly do. The wizarding community wouldn't just accept me as easily as Lily had. I was different to a lot of the people out there. I was an anomaly, but if Lily could accept me then hopefully, eventually, the rest of the world would but for now, my sexual orientation would just be between me and my closest friends.
"I'm asexual," I whispered quietly, and I was beginning to think that I might be heteromantic too but I'd wait until I'd read Lily's article before I made that decision. I had to accept myself if anyone else was going to except me. That was the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep and suddenly everything didn't seem so bad. I was asexual, asexual and proud.

Thank you for reading this fanfic! ^_^ Constructive criticism is welcome!