AN: This was my entry for the recent Castle Hiatus contest. Set post S3. I hope you enjoy and I would love to hear your thoughts. xo.
More Than Life
The air is humid, so heavy around her that she feels the press of it against her skin. It seems to settle in every night here, a damp darkness outlined by the glow of stars and a hazy moon hanging low in the summer sky. She's gotten used to weight of it again, to the sound of crickets and cicadas, the flash of fireflies at dusk. They're souvenirs from another lifetime, memories that come back to her one step at a time as she walks the path from the cabin to the dock. The lake stretches wide before her and she observes silhouettes of the surrounding trees as they ripple across the water. Everything is more vivid here, more vibrant.
Her heart pounds, a heavy thud of exertion even from the short distance. She pauses to take a breath, closes her eyes, and lets the night seep into her. For a moment she sees herself at fourteen, sneaking outside to lie by the lake, watch the world spin around her. It'd been a newfound freedom, solitude she hadn't expected. She can still feel the wooden grooves underneath her, the lazy rocking of the dock, peacefulness she never quite understood at the time. But even then she clung to it - those vacations, the quiet outside the city she loved. And she seeks it out again – needs it now more than ever.
Her chest aches from the walk but she swallows back the pain. She's grown used to the hollow feeling, the scar that's slowly healing. As much as she hates the weakness, being brittle and half broken, a part of her celebrates each step she takes.
Every heartbeat is a reminder that she's still alive. Of how precious life is and how quickly it fades away. The scars are what motivate her to live.
But not all of her scars are physical.
I love you, Kate.
His words have been a constant echo in her head - as deeply ingrained as the hole in her chest. And over the past month she's realized that no matter how much distance she creates, no matter how far she runs, she can't escape his voice or the emotion in those eyes. The way they blurred into the blue sky above them until there was nothing left but darkness. She's not sure she's surfaced since. His memory lingers, consumes her from the inside out.
And she's so tired of running.
She told him she needed time. She sent him away with the hope that if she had space, she could pull herself together. She could pick up the jagged pieces of her life, make things whole again. She knows she can't give him the kind of love he deserves right now, not like this, not when every day is a struggle to survive. But the truth is, she still sees him in everything, whether he's with her or not. He's the color in her world of black and white, the light that illuminates all the dark, empty spaces. And she wonders now whether there's a way to be whole without him. Because there is no peace when she closes her eyes only to see his staring back, wide and desperate, begging her to stay.
She couldn't even do that for him.
But she so badly wants to.
And today, for the first time since she left the city, she feels like there's a chance to make things right.
When Castle had shown up at the cabin that afternoon, she'd been terrified – her first instinct to turn him away, to retreat once again where it was safer for them both. But the moment he'd spoken her name, looked at her with those same pleading eyes, she'd broken down, unable to deny him anything in that moment. And before she knew it, his arms were around her, his quiet words murmured against her cheek so full of relief that she ached with it. It was too much, too soon.
It felt like coming home.
Afterward though, he'd been cautious again, uniquely quiet. And once they'd eaten dinner he'd left to take a walk, telling her he'd give her some space. Only, since he arrived, she's found that space is the last thing she wants.
So now it's her turn to follow him, making her way down the path toward the dock where his figure is outlined in moonlight.
"You found my favorite spot."
He turns, gives her a weary smile as she sinks down carefully, dropping her feet into the cool water. "I can see why. It's incredible."
"Yeah, it is."
She nudges his shoulder softly. "Want to see the best part?"
His eyes meet hers and her heart stops for a moment, arrested by the depth of emotion that lies there. "Of course."
She swallows, suddenly aware of how close they are and has to force herself to break his gaze so she can scoot backwards. She lifts her legs from the water and motions for him to do the same as she reclines to lay flat on the dock.
"Wow," he breathes, once he settles in beside her.
"I know."
She lets the silence fall, comfortably this time, as they stare up into the night. The stars stretch wide above them, like punctuation marks written across an infinite backdrop of sky.
"Sometimes I forget what the sky looks like outside the city," he says after a moment, voice low, intimate in a way that has chills spreading across her arms despite the humidity. "It's almost like time stands still out here. Kinda makes everything else feel small."
She turns, observes the reflections of the water playing across his face. "That's what I needed…why I left, I mean."
He turns to face her too, eyes searching hers, and in his gaze she finds the strength to continue. "I had to tune out all the noise – to heal somewhere I could breathe." She pauses, shifts a little closer to him. "But I realized something else."
His voice shakes as she reaches out, touches his arm. "What did you realize?"
"That most of all, more than anything, I need you too."
She sees the hitch in his breath. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Castle. I'm so sorry I'm such a mess. But I want to be better. I want to be more…for you."
He's careful when he moves, allowing their shoulders to touch as he laces their fingers, squeezing gently. "This is enough, Kate. You're always enough. And I'll be here as long as you'll let me."
In that moment, lying with him underneath the summer sky, she can finally see the light again.