St Vince's Hospital

Jamie sat in the front pew of the hospital chapel, staring blankly up at the altar. The non-denominational cross hung reverently in the glow of flickering white church candles and creamy white poinsettias decorating the small religious vestibule with solemn holiday reminders. Somehow the divine lightness of the scene stood in contrast to the darkness and loss that permeated St Vince's. He had sat in the same pew the night his mother died, and then when Joe died. He was tired of reconciling with death. He raised an arm to pull a hand over his face and the dried blood on his uniform crunched with the motion, its metallic earthy smell assaulting his senses. He let out a long sigh oblivious to the sound of his father entering the refuge.

Frank walked up to the end of the pew and stood momentarily, taking in Jamie's appearance. Blood was still smeared across his jaw and down the front of his uniform shirt. He was unshaven and hadn't put his head on a pillow in over 24 hours. "I thought I'd find you here."

Jamie didn't miss a beat. "I'm not sure why considering that he's taken my mother, my brother and Vinnie. And now…" He left the criticism open ended. "With all due respect I'm not in the mood for a lecture, Commissioner."

"I'm not here to give one, so lose the attitude." He sighed and shoved his hands in to the pockets of his top coat. "And I'm not here as your boss but as your Dad. You've been here for over 20 hours and you look like you're about to fall over. I'm worried about you."

"Why worry about me? I'm right as rain. It's my partner who had two rounds in her chest and spent five hours on an operating table having them dug out." His frustration and nausea prompted him to run a hand through his hair and let out a long breath. "The same God who keeps taking my family away showed up again last night to take Eddie." He spoke sharply, something he'd been in a habit of lately. "I could have protected her if I'd been on tour with her." He felt the last rays of hope seep out of him. "But I was in another patrol car with a rookie and when we arrived at the scene it was too late. But it should have been me in the car with her. I should have been beside her, not Ragetti."

Frank could feel Jamie's anger radiate off of him from five feet away. "If you'd been driving the RMP yesterday, Jamie, it would be you in the morgue downstairs instead of officer Ragetti." He glanced at the floor and then back at his son. "There's nothing you could have done that Tony Ragetti didn't do or that would have prevented this."

Franks words were met with silence as Jamie thought about his father's comments. "Four years," he whispered trying to make sense of it all. "For four years Eddie and I have rolled out together. I've always been right next to her." He shut his eyes, "…right next to her." He shook his head, still in disbelief. "I've always been there. I said no to a promotion and declined having a different partner so I could be right there….right beside her where I could protect her." He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs in a defeated slump. "And then last night, the one night Eddie picks up an extra shift and rides with someone else, she takes two bullets to go along with it." He looked back up at the altar as though speaking to it. "I know Ragetti was a damn good cop. But if I'd been there…" His voice trailed off and he raised an open hand to his face and lowered his forehead in to.

"Don't do this to yourself. It's not fair to you and it's a disservice to Officer Ragetti. He did exactly what he should have done. What he was trained to do. What you would have done and what I would have done. There were two perps and it was a fire fight and Ragetti and Janko followed the book!" Frank exhaled, the sighs of the dead haunting him. "At the end of the day what we do is dangerous. You know that. And Tony and Eddie knew that. And there's nothing we can do to change it any more than we could for Joe or Vinnie." He softened his voice. "But Officer Janko still has a chance. The docs say she's a fighter."

The corners of Jamie's mouth turned up in to a melancholy smile. "Tell me about it." The watery words revealed the emotion he'd been fighting back since the shooting. He finally looked up at his father. "The EMTS nearly lost her in the ambulance. The surgery to remove the bullets from her chest was touch and go. They had to defibrillate her on the table. Twice." He pulled his hand over his face again, his voice growing quiet and adrift. "They told me to hope for the best but prepare for the worse. It could go either way."

Frank nodded and looked at Jamie and noticed the red rimmed eyes with dark circles. He also saw a worry and an emotion he hadn't noticed before, or maybe it had been hiding in plain sight right in front of him. "Something tells me we're not just talking about Eddie as your police partner." He waited, sizing up Jamie's expression. "Even when you were a little boy you wore your heart on your sleeve but kept your feelings sealed up inside it. So full of secrets."

Jamie looked back down at the floor. "Nothing's happened between us if that's what you're implying." It was an accusation more than a question.

Frank shook his head. "I wasn't implying anything." He sat down next to Jamie and admired the altar. "For what it's worth I knew your mother for a year before I ever kissed her." The memory brought an almost imperceptible smile to his face and his voice became a whisper lost in the memory. "But I wanted to every time I saw her. For a whole year which seemed like a lifetime. I guess love doesn't always make a loud entrance but can sneak up behind us." He looked over at Jamie. "Are you in love with her?"

He struggled to get the words out even now. The truth he'd kept hidden for so many years, from Eddie and from himself, now on the tip of his tongue. His voice was raw with emotion. "I can't imagine my life without her."

"That isn't what I asked."

He looked back at Frank, his exhaustion and worry unraveling the emotions in his heart. "Yes. Yes, I love her, Dad. I didn't mean for it to happen, but…." Hearing himself finally say it out loud took him by surprise. "I lied to myself and I never told Eddie. I never said the words so she could hear them. She tried to talk to me but I found ways to avoid the conversation we should have had." His confession seemed appropriate in a church but he felt like he would choke on his own regret. "I hesitated because I thought we had time." He shook his head again and huffed out a cynical laugh. "And then God showed up again last night and proved me wrong."

Frank put a reassuring hand on his arm and gently squeezed. "People in comas can hear, Jamie. And the time you may not have in the future you have right now. But don't waste it, son." He watched as Jamie looked at him again, seeing the look of the little boy he used to comfort. "I spoke to your Mom even when I worried she couldn't hear me. But she did. Same with Joe. And you know that." He looked back at the altar. "And God willing, Eddie will still pull through which we're all praying for. But if you tell her now and the worse happens, at least she'll know. And so will you."

Jamie looked at him for several moments. The quiet atmosphere of the chapel helped keep the noise in his head from overwhelming him. "Are you sure she'll hear, Dad?"

"Her heart will hear, you. You can count on it. And don't forget that God makes that happen, too." He picked up Jamie's police jacket and held it out to him. "Tell her."

A/N Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. Hopefully Jamie will find a way to tell Eddie the truth! :)