Disclamer: The characters found within are not my creation nor my property. They are own by Salter Streets, who reserve all rights. I simple stole them from the television and had them run through my little rat maze.
This is my first attempt at fan fiction, and I hope you enjoyed it. In order to improve my work, I would appreciate any and all feedback on this story, positive or negative, at trent_roman@seductive.com If you find any plot holes, please let me know and I will try to fix them.
THE CLOUD
By Trent Roman
Moving like a dragonfly in the greatest pond there ever was and ever will be, the great insect-like ship Lexx glided through the stars, with no set direction or destination. The sentient ship (at least, to some degree) trained it's sensory equipment on the vastness, hoping to detect some yummy planet or asteroid belt that it could feed upon. It was starting to get hungry. Its searches eventually detected something unknown up ahead (relatively speaking, of course). The Lexx briefly considered its problem, then reverted to a solution that had worked in the past (or, at least, had taken the problem out of its hands and into its captain's).
Security guard fourth class Stanley H. Tweedle was having a nice dream. He was on a planet where there was plenty of sunshine, but with a cool breeze. In fact the breeze was coming in from the sandy beach stretching out before him. The ocean produced a low and comforting roar as Stanley relaxed in his chair, a cool drink in one hand. Just when he thought things couldn't get any better, he spotted a figure moving down the beach. Squinting against the sun, Stanley determined that the figure was human, and, more importantly, the figure was female. On closer inspection, Stanley could see that it was a rather attractive female, wearing clothing appropriate for these settings – namely none! Smiling, Stanley propped himself up in his chair and greeted the dream figure.
"Hello there! What's your name?"
The alluring figment of his imagination did not answer but returned his smile. Taking this as an invitation to continue, Stanley said:
"Well, I'm Stanley Tweedle, and I'm positively delighted to make your acquaintance."
"Stanley," the figure repeated sweetly as she sat down next to him.
"That's right," Stanley said, smiling even wider than before and leaning over to the woman.
"Stanley," she repeated again, only this time Stanley recoiled back because her voice had suddenly taken a deep, resonating, and undeniably masculine tone.
"Stanley," the disembodied voice said again, and suddenly there was no more chair, no more beach and no more sun. Instead, Stanley was looking up at the lumpy gray surface of his sleeping pod's ceiling. He moaned, not so much from the realization that it was all a dream, but from the fact that he knew from past experience that he wouldn't be able to get it back. And now that he had gotten his bearings back, he easily identified the voice that had awoken him.
"What is it Lexx?" he asked, making no effort to hide the irritation in his voice. "I was having a really nice dream."
"There is something in front of me, Stanley."
"Well, what is it?"
"A cloud."
"Lexx, this is space, there are no clouds. Clouds belong on planets." His words brought the ever fading memory of his dream back to him, and he slumped back into his bed.
"There is a cloud in front of me, Stanley," The Lexx repeated.
"Fine, fine, hang on, I'll go take a look," Stanley said, more irritated than ever, as he rose up from his bed and grabbed his hat. The Lexx may be the Most Powerful Engine of Destruction in the Two Universes, but sometimes dealing with the impersonal and simplistic onboard intelligence could be trying.
He was walking to the bridge down the organic corridors when suddenly a thought struck him. The last time they had seen something that looked like a cloud in space, it turned out to have been…
"Lexx," he asked, "what is the cloud made up of?"
"I do not know, Stanley."
"Is it Mantrid drones?
"No, Stanley, it is not Mantrid-drones-little-one-armed-things-that-fly-around." The Lexx responded, using the lengthy description it had been given for those little cybernetic terrors. Stanley breathed a sight of relief. Mantrid and his drones had destroyed the light universe. Of course, last they had seen of Mantrid, he was wandering around aimlessly in the bowels of K-Town. But then again, hadn't all the (souls? spirits?) on Fire been released when the planet was destroyed? Disturbed by this new thought, Stanley walked onto the bridge on the Lexx.
"Alright, Lexx, show me this… cloud."
Lexx promptly flashed an image onto the trapezoid-shaped viewer at the top of the bridge. It was, or at least looked like, a cloud. A great bag of swirling whitish mist floating in the middle of space.
"What is that?" Stanley asked himself.
"I do not know, Stanley," Lexx answered, unable to make the difference between rhetorical questions and real ones.
"Valuable input as always, Lexx" Stanley said sarcastically. "Well, if we don't know what it is, just… go around it or something. No sense risking ourselves unnecessarily."
"As you command, Stanley."
The cloud moved leftwards on the screen, until all that remained was the black of space with the tiny prinks of light that were the stars. Well, another crisis averted, though Stan. Briefly he considered going back to his pod, but he didn't think he would be able to fall back asleep. The Lexx didn't have any watches designated for sleep like back at the Core, but Stan and Xev still followed a regular sleep pattern. Kai, of course, "slept" in his cryochamber until he was reawakened. Stan sat on the small denivelation that surrounded the captain's post, and waited for Xev to wake up.
Half an hour later, Xev hadn't shown up on the bridge yet, and Stan was getting pretty tired of waiting. It figured that she would be sleeping in late on this morning, just to spite him for getting up early. This was all Lexx's fault. If it hadn't been for that stupid bug he would have been able to continue his dream and sleep in late too. All because the "mighty instrument of doom" couldn't handle a stupid cloud! A stupid cloud that…
…was back on the monitor.
"Lexx," Stanley said, rising from his spot on the floor, "I though I told you to go around that cloud."
"You did, Stanley."
"Well, why didn't you?" he asked irritatingly.
"I did, Stanley."
"Then what's that in front of us?"
"The cloud."
"And how did it get there?" Stanley asked in a mocking tone, like a parent that had just caught a child misbehaving.
"It moved."
"It moved? Wait, what do you mean 'it moved'? How does a cloud in space move?"
"I do not know, Stanley."
"Well… turn around. Head in the opposite direction."
"As you command, Stanley."
Once again Stanley saw the starscape on the screen swivel as the Lexx turned its significant body around. Within a minute, the motion stopped, and Stanley was once again staring at empty space. Stan kept his eyes firmly locked on the screen. The seconds crawled by, until Stanley saw faint swirls of mist creep onto the edge of the monitor. The cloud was moving again, placing itself directly in front of the ship.
"That's it, Lexx stop. Completely."
"As you command, Stanley."
"Is the cloud getting any closer?"
"No, Stanley, it is not."
"Well, good. I'm going to wake up the others."
Five minutes later, Stanley Tweedle had awakened Xev of P3XK and re-animated Kai, former assassin for His Divine Shadow and last of the Brunnen-G. They stood on the bridge of the Lexx, staring at the frustrating cloud hovering outside the ship. Stanley had just finished explaining the problem to his shipmates.
"Any ideas?"
"Well, it doesn't seem to be bothering us now… let's just wait here until it goes away," Xev suggested.
"Well, how long is that going to take?" Stan whined.
"I don't know," Xev answered.
"I've been hearing a lot of that today." Stan said.
"Well how long would you be willing to wait? You're the one who wants to find a planet to settle down on."
"And you'd be content to just sit here for years until that cloud out there moves on, I suppose."
"That would not be an option," Kai interjected in his gravely voice.
"Oh, why not?" Stan whined.
"Eventually, the Lexx will begin to hunger. If it does not get any food, it will no longer be able to function. This includes the food dispensers."
"Oh, great, and we're just going to wait here to starve?"
"You and Xev will starve; I will not. The dead do not hunger."
"So that makes this plan brilliant!" said 790, who had just rolled onto the bridge on his tray. "Then you two will be gone and me and my man will have eternity together."
"Eventually," said Kai, ignoring the deluded robot head's attempts at romance, "My protoblood will run out, and so will your power pack, 790."
"But think of all the years will have together!" 790 said, eyes bugging from one side to the other. No one responded, having long gotten used to this kind of behavior from the brainwashed robot head. Instead, Stan asked Kai:
"Well, what do you suggest we do?"
"Since the cloud places itself in our path no matter what direction we are facing, I would suggest that the only way out… is through."
"You want us to go through the cloud? We don't know what's in there! There could be monsters!"
"Yes, Kai, stay here with me!" 790 interjected.
"It's probably better to try now, while the Lexx is rested, than later when it is weak," Xev said.
"Well I'm the captain of the Lexx, the key is in my hand and I say we're going to wait. Just sit still for a while, you know, pretend were not here. I'm sure it'll get bored eventually."
"And if it doesn't?" Xev asked defiantly.
"Well, if it doesn't work…" Stanley Tweedle turned back towards the image of the menacing cloud. "…Then we'll think of something else."
Time seems to slow down under tense situations. The seconds creep by very slowly, burdened by stress and anxiety. In the first hour of their wait, captain Tweedle asked 790 on five occasions how much time had gone by. When he asked again ten minutes later, the cantankerous robot head refused to answer. Instead of fighting the impossible battle of getting 790 to see things his way, Stanley announced to his crewmates that while he was waiting, he might as well do something useful, and stalked off the bridge. Without Stanley's incessant fidgeting to focus on, Xev began to also feel the strain of the wait. She tried to strike up a conversation with Kai, but this proved to be futile, with all the topics she could think of ending with Kai saying 'the dead do not…' whatever. And 790 only had one topic he wanted to talk about. Not in the mood to hear several verses of poetry about the dead assassin, Xev also left.
"It just you and me, now, lover-boy," said 790, switching the digital readouts of his eyes to throbbing hearts.
When the object of his unrequited affection did not reply, 790 sighted contentedly, glad to finally be spending time alone with Kai.
And the dead man fixated the screen, never taking his eyes off the cloud hovering ominously up ahead in space.
"Is it still here?" Stan asked, even though he could see the white mass looming on the display monitor.
"Yes," Kai said, never long on words.
"That's it, I'm tired of waiting. We're punching through." Stanley walked over to where the corridor reached the bridge and cried out:
"Xev! Xev, get over here, we're going to try to go through it. Lexx…"
"Yes, Stanley?"
"Wait, I just had an idea," Stan said. "We'll shoot the cloud! Firing the weapon doesn't take much energy."
"Clouds, as a general rule, are made of gas. The Lexx's weapon works on solid matter, not gas."
"Well then, if there's any solid matter waiting in there to ambush us, it's not going to have a pleasant day. Lexx! I want you to fire on that cloud."
"As you command, Stanley."
All across the Lexx's bulbous 'eyes' tendrils of energy were released from individual spores. These tendrils snaked across the Lexx's surface, intertwining with each other and converging into the middle of Lexx's front. When all the energy had gather into one pulsating ball, the weapon released, sending its planet-destroying arc of yellow fire across the void and towards the cloud. It seemed to spark off a reaction when it first hit the cloud, and Stan hoped for a second that whatever gases the cloud was made of was flammable and the Lexx's weapon had just set it off. But no such luck, the semi-circle of destructive energy that made the Lexx unmatched in two universes passed through the cloud barely dispersing its wispy strands.
"What happened?" asked Xev, coming onto the bridge. "Did you fire the Lexx?"
"Yeah, but it didn't work. Cloud's still there," answered a dishearten Stanley.
"So I guess we go through?" Xev asked innocently smiling and twirling her hands behind her back.
"Yeah, we go through. Lexx! I want you to go through the cloud."
"As you command, Stanley."
And they were off, and Stan couldn't help but feel that they were daring the shapeless mass to do it's worse by the sheer temerity of their intrusion within it's boundaries.
As the gigantic bug reached the edges of the phenomena the swirling mists, moving as if of their own volition, wrapped their smoky tendrils around the form of the Lexx. Soon, an outsider would no longer to be able to see the Lexx, but only a dense dragonfly-shaped form moving through a cloudy region of space.
"I have stopped, Stanley."
"What? You stopped? Lexx, why did you stop?"
"I am stuck, Stanley."
"You're stuck in a cloud?"
"I am stuck, Stanley."
"Well, um, go backwards. Out of the cloud."
"I cannot, Stanley. I am stuck."
"Great," Stanley said to his shipmates, "The Lexx is stuck! What do we do now?"
"We wait," Kai said, deadpanned.
"Wait for what?"
"I do not know."
"What if we can't get out of here?" Xev asked.
"Then all the living ones die, and the dead and robotic ones rejoice!" 790 reminded her.
Slithering like serpents, tendrils of the mist began to seep into the Lexx through previously airtight pores. Once through, even for a second, the cloud began to spread through the gigantic ship's decks, slowly thinning out as it spread itself, then redoubling its consistency every so often.
"Look, there! What's that?" Xev cried out, pointing to the wisps that had gotten to the bridge from the lower decks.
"It would appear to be the cloud," answered Kai.
"What do we do now?" she asked
"Running might be a good idea," suggested Stanley, and without further preamble, launched himself past the grasping tendrils of the cloud and into the other corridor. Xev, knowing then running hadn't worked very well last time but in no mood to stick around the bridge and discuss it, ran off after him. Kai, believing that he would be more useful with his companions, calmly began jogging after them.
"Wait!" came the anguished cry of 790. "Wait for me!"
Kai turned around and picked up the robot head from its mobile tray.
"My hero!" 790 sighted.
Kai turned back towards the corridor and jogged off just as the cloud had fully engulfed the Lexx's bridge.
Stan ran through the corridors, mindless of direction or goal, only halting his momentum and changing paths whenever he saw the cloud coming from a section of the ship. He was running towards the cryochamber when he spotted the insubstantial menace coming towards him. He spun smartly on his heels and ran back the other direction, arriving at a three-way intersection, then took his right.
"Stan!"
Tweedle turned around at the sound of his name and saw his shipmate running towards him.
"Xev, lookout!"
The swirling mist came sweeping out of the corridor, interposing itself between the two, and slowly seeping into both adjoining corridors. Stan and Xev's eyes met for an instant, as if wishing each other luck, and they ran off in their opposite directions.
Kai had been following Xev when he came to a cloud-filled room. Doubting that the cloud could harm him, but thinking that 790 was at risk and that he should try to rejoin those he considered to be under his protection, he turned back and took another path.
Stanley H. Tweedle's flight ended, ironically enough, in his room, where this had all started. The corridor he had just left was filled with the swirling cloud, and the only other way out was also occupied by the misty wisps. Moaning under his breath, Stan backed away from the cloud, bumping into his sleeping pod. He crawled inside as the cloud slowly filled the room. When the first tendrils finally swept into the pod, Stan closed his eyes tight and put his hands over them in a final childish gesture of denial. And the cloud was upon him.
Xev stopped when she reached the cafeteria, breathing heavily. The mist was still behind her, pacing her it seemed. Now as she look around she could see more of the tendrils coming out of the food slots. She tried to make a break for it, but to no avail. The cloud from the food slots joined together and formed a barrier between Xev and the exit, leaving her trapped with the much more dense segment of the cloud coming in rapidly behind her. Deciding that her chances where better at attempting to get through the thin veil of mist blocking her way, Xev threw herself at the cloud.
Kai walked down the corridor, 790 cradled under his arm, keeping an eye out for Stan, Xev or the cloud (whichever came first). Suddenly, misty tendrils spewed from a small set of pores at the bottom of the wall, quickly wrapping themselves around the assassin's leg and giving such a great pull that Kai crashed right through the organic material that made up the Lexx's interior. Below him was the landing pad for the Moths, completely wrapped in mist. Once hovering above the emptiness, the mist let go, and Kai fell. Kai knew that no fall could kill him, but 790 might not survive intact. Calmly, he fired his weapon into the Lexx's soft ceiling next to the whole in the corridor. The cord attached to the claw-like weapon retracted, and Kai's fall was brusquely halted. As he brought himself back up, he noticed the wisps of cloud wrapping themselves around the weapon, and a shudder indicated to him that they were trying to dislodge it. Kai drew back his free arm (the one with 790 in it) and through the robot head from the opening in the wall and back into the corridor.
"Kai!" the little head wailed, soaring through the air and smashing to a stop against the wall.
But the mist had managed to dislodge the weapon from the ceiling and Kai fell to the deck below, completely encircled by the mist before he even hit the floor.
The next thing he knew was darkness. It was pure, unbroken by any light or objects. Kai could see nothing above him or anything below him, even though he was not falling. Kai stood in an emptiness, not such much a darkness than a void. Kai wondered idly if he was dead. Of course, he had been dead for millennia, but he wondered if this time his body had irrevocably ceased to function. Was this then the afterlife? If it truly was, shouldn't he be on Fire? (His soul, he knew, was on Water, but with all the innocents his body had murdered, he knew that Fire was the only place for him.) Then he remembered that Fire and Water had been destroyed by the Lexx. So as a result of the Lexx's actions, the afterlife no longer existed in any substantial form. This, Kai though, giving a glance to the nothing around him, was death now. Kai lied down on the 'floor', because it seemed like the appropriate thing to do, and waited. Waited for this cycle of time to end, and with it everything there ever was in it.
He wasn't sure how long exactly he had spent like that. Time in a void becomes as immaterial as his surroundings. But what stirred him from this new death was a slight bump against his side. Kai did not doubt what he felt, and rose to his feet. A second later, something unseen bumped into him again. Puzzled, Kai reached out with his arms, waving in the nothingness. They found something solid, and Kai grabbed hold of it, wrapping his arms around the mysterious force.
And then he was in another black area, only this one was not as empty as the last one. He could see it in parts of the Lexx that he identified as being responsible for creating the Moths. Behind those instruments lied hundreds of Moths, ranging so far that they disappeared in the distance.
Kai also saw that he was holding one of the Moth Breeders wrapped in his arms. The empty, purple facing stared at something behind Kai. The mouth moved and the Breeder's mechanical voice stated:
"I must breed moths. Nine hundred and ninety nine for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
Kai released the Breeder, who then kept on walking towards a moth-breeding instrument. Kai knew that the number the Breeder had spoke was the maximum number that the Breeders were capable of remembering. But what would anybody want with so many Moths?
Kai knew now that he was not dead. But he did not know where he was. When he had fallen, he had fallen to the Moths' deck, where the Breeders and these instruments were. The blank emptiness of the floor, walls and ceiling told him he was not on the Moths' deck. At least, not exactly. If he was not dead, than it was required of him to return to the Lexx and find Stanley, Xev and 790.
He moved towards the Breeder, who was now tapping at the instrumentation to make yet another Moth.
"How do I leave this place?" he asked.
"I must breed moths. Nine hundred and ninety nine for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
"Where am I?"
"I must breed moths. Nine hundred and ninety nine for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
Kai realized that he was not going to get any answers out of the simple Moth Breeder.
While the Breeder worked, Kai explored his surroundings. He tested the instruments, which seemed real enough. He tried walking in one direction, but after a minute came back to the Breeder. It seemed that the space was finite but circular. While Kai explored, the Breeder finished a Moth, and piloted it back in line with the rest. He got out and returned to his instruments. Kai held out a hand to stop him.
"I must breed moths. Nine hundred and ninety nine for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
"But you have just bred a moth. You are down to nine hundred and ninety eight for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
"I must breed moths. Nine hundred and ninety nine for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
The Breeder seemed to be caught in a loop. Kai decided to put it out of its misery. He brought his arm up and fired his weapon, smashing the Breeder's head. As he did so, his surroundings changed. The body of the Breeder lay where it fell, and the Moth breeding instruments were still present. But the floor, walls and ceiling of the Moths' deck had returned to their appropriate conditions. The fleet of Moths that he had previously seen was gone, and several Moths, some deformed from an improper breeding, lay in the cargo space.
The cloud lay low on the floor, reaching up to Kai's knees. It flowed slowly, lazily, almost sloshing around the dead assassin's legs. Kai saw another Breeder walking from a Moth to the instruments.
"Stop," Kai commanded.
The Breeder did not respond. Kai put his hand out to halt him. The Breeder hit the obstacle, moved back, and then walked into it again. This time, it said:
"I must breed moths. Nine hundred and ninety nine for now, nine hundred and ninety nine for later."
Kai let the Breeder walk by. He then looked up at the hole where he had previously been dragged through the wall. He fired the weapon, which again lodged itself into the ceiling. He retracted himself up to the opening, where he disengaged the clamps and stepped into the corridor.
"Oh, Kai!"
Kai looked towards the source of the sound and saw the top of a robot head peeking through the mist.
"790," he said.
"Oh, Kai, you're such beautiful dancers!"
Kai paused, analyzing the love-struck robot's words, then said, slowly:
"790, I am not dancing, and I am the only one here."
"Yeah, shake that hot ass!"
Kai, puzzled, reached down to pick up the robot head…
…and was suddenly standing in an exit-less room, made of flat, unremarkable metal, decorated by images of him, in various poses and states of undress. 790 rested on a pillar in the center of the room, surrounded by cavorting men… who all look exactly like Kai.
"Oh, yeah!" 790 exclaimed, his eyes bugging.
Kai slowly made his way through his dancing similes. The semi-naked versions of himself did not move aside, but neither did they offer any resistance when Kai pushed them out of the way. He reached the pedestal and said:
"790, it is I."
"Yes, another Kai! In fact, more Kai's for everyone!"
Seemingly seeping through the walls, several more of the Kai clones came to dance around the pedestal. Whereas the others had been covered in a few choice places, these ones carried no clothing. Kai ignored the new arrivals and turned back towards the robot head.
"790, they are not real. I am."
"Party!" 790 said, pretending not to hear him.
"790, this is an illusion. Created by the cloud, I believe, though I do not know to what ends."
"You bore me, away! Bring out the wine!"
Behind more Kai's with wine could come out of the walls, Kai reached up and took 790 off the pedestal.
"No! Stop! Unhand me! I'm being head-napped, help me!"
All the Kai's which had been previously dancing around the room stopped, turned towards Kai (the real one) and fired their wrist-weapon, which had only just appeared a moment before. The claws sliced through Kai, disemboweling him rather thoroughly. 790, the hands holding him no longer attached to any arms, fell to the ground. Kai's head, split in half and separated from the neck, observed with their eye the robot head roll close to one of the severed hands. Kai willed the hand to move to the back of 790, flipped open one of the compartments there and yanked out the power pack.
As expected, the vision dissolved, and Kai stood in the corridor, holding 790's power pack in one hand. He was, thankfully, all in one piece. Not that he could not have reassembled himself, but it might have taken up some protoblood. He picked up 790 from the floor, triggering no vision this time, and reinserted the power pack. 790's previously darkened eye sockets lit up with static, then resolved into the robot head's usual eyes.
"Oh, Kai, I was having such a wonderful dream. And you were there, and again, and again–"
"I know, 790, I was there."
"Yes, that's what I told you. You where there several times actually."
Kai chose not to respond and, cradling the robot head under his arm, went off to find Stanley and Xev.
He found Xev on the cafeteria floor, bucking, thrashing and moaning. He bent down near her, and could see green spots running along her skin. He assumed it was the cloud's doing, but when he looked at himself and 790, he found no spots.
"Xev!" he said loudly, trying to stir her from the vision.
When she didn't respond, Kai, ignoring 790's pleas to let her be, reached out and touched her arm…
…and found himself in a plushy decorated bedroom, covered in fine silks in soft and sensual colors. The sound of a harp came from all around. The bed itself was covered in animal skins and embroidery, a four-post wooden construct with more silken curtains. And Kai could see that on the bed itself, Xev lay naked, her moans the result of ministrations by–
"Oh, perversion! Oh, horror of horrors! My brave Kai, seduced by that most foul of witches!"
–yet another replica of himself.
"It is only an illusion, 790."
"An illusion? More like a vision of hell itself!"
Kai did not bother to mention that he had visited hell several times, but instead moved to the side of the bed. He bent down near Xev's head and spoke her name.
"Kai?"
Xev looked at him.
"But… how can there be two of you? Prince?"
"It is an illusion. Do you remember the cloud?"
Xev nodded.
"It must have hallucinogenic properties. It is also doing something to your skin. Your body, your real one, back on the Lexx, has green patches on it."
"But I – wait, stop," she ordered the other Kai, who did as he was told. Xev regained her composure, and, realizing she was nude, ripped off one the silken curtains and wrapped it around her before standing. "But it all seems so real."
"It is not."
"Slut!"
"790!" Xev said reproachfully, first noticing the presence of the robot head.
"You told me you didn't want him anymore! You said I could have him all too myself. And now – this!"
"790, I…" Xev started, then trailed off. She shook her head, and turned back to Kai. "Alright then, assuming what you say is true… how do I get out."
"I do not know."
"You don't? The cloud didn't get you?"
"It did."
"Then how did you get out?"
"I grabbed on to a Moth Breeder and was transported into its fantasy. I got out by killing the Breeder. I did the same with 790, removing his power pack."
"You did what?" cried the outraged robot head.
"I believe that killing you to free you from this fantasy would defeat the purpose of that action."
"Well, I agree with that," she said primly. "But there was to be another way out of here. After all, it isn't real."
Suddenly the fantasy bedroom reverted back to the Lexx's cafeteria. Xev realized that she was holding one of the food sprouts at her bosom as if it was a dress, and let it drop with a soft sound of disgust.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I believe that by piercing the illusion, you have freed yourself from it."
Xev looked down to where the cloud still hovered.
"Why isn't it attacking again?"
"I believe it is feeding."
"Feeding? On what?"
Kai pointed to the green patches on her forearm. Xev gasped and held them up to closer inspection.
"I believe that the protein regenerator should have no problem restoring you back to health," Kai said.
"I hope so," Xev said softly. "Hey, where's Stan."
"I do not know. We were separated when we ran, and I have not yet found him."
"Then let's find him, shall we?" Xev said, turning and leaving the cafeteria.
They found Stan curdled up in his sleeping pod. He was also moaning. Nobody had to ask what he was fantasizing about.
"Perhaps I should go in alone, Xev," Kai suggested.
"No, I'm coming with you. Judging by the size of that smile," she nodded her chin towards Stanley's green-patched face, "it's going to take the two of us to convince him it's an illusion."
Together they reached out and touched Stan's arm…
…and were transposed to a sun-lit beach on a fair weathered planet. The sand was light, the ocean blue, and the sky devoid of clouds – of any kind. Stan was sitting in a low beach chair, surrounded by well-rounded female forms. Stan, Xev was glad to see, was still fully clothed. His compatriots, however, were not. Stanley was smiling and speaking to them, and every so often they would giggle and throw back their hair. Xev began to feel sick to her stomach.
As the pair walked towards Stan, he caught sight of them and hailed:
"Xev! Kai! Enjoying the sun?"
"The dead do not crave sunshine."
"Stan, we need to talk."
"Later, Xev. For now I'm going to enjoy myself… and I'm in such pleasant company. Isn't that right, girls?"
Another set of giggles.
"Stan, this isn't real, it's only an illusion created by the cloud while it feeds on your body," Xev said.
"Cloud? There are no clouds! It's a beautiful day!"
"The cloud that attacked the Lexx, remember Stan?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care. I'm staying right here with my sun, my beach... and my lovely ladies."
The floozies surrounding the security guard gave another peal of laughter.
"Stan, if you don't wake up, it'll kill you."
"I'm already dead. This is heaven. Now go to hell."
"You're the one who's going to hell, Stan, and you know it."
"Still don't care. I'm happy here, and I'm not going anywhere."
"If we cannot convince you that this is an illusion," Kai interjected, "then the only other way out is for me to kill you. And I am not certain I will be able to get you to the protein regenerator in time to save your body… much less your spirit."
"Kill me? Why? Just leave me here. I'm not bothering anybody and I'm having fun."
Kai walked away from the chair, and brought his arm up. He fired his weapon into the mass of flesh to Stanley's right, going through all of them in one shot. The retracted his claw then did the same to the left side. It was over in a matter of seconds. Stanley was looking from the corpses to either side, bewilderment evident in his face.
"Why did you do that?" he demanded to know.
"Stan," Xev said, "you have to believe us. This is but an illusion. If you don't wake up you'll die. None of this is real."
"No!" he whined. "I was perfectly content right where I was."
Kai brought up his arm, and Stan leapt out of the chair, hands splayed in front of him in a defensive gesture.
"Okay, okay, I believe you. None of this is real, it's all an illusion and I'm not really here!"
And with those few words their surroundings reverted back to Stan's sleeping chambers on the Lexx.
"Kai, love of my life, you're back!"
"We're we gone?"
"When you touched the security guard you both seemed to disappear."
"Wow," gasped Xev. "That was easy. I actually though that we'd have a much harder time to convince you, Stan."
"It's because I didn't need convincing. I suspected it wasn't real from the start, and knew for sure that it wasn't afterwards. And you want to know why? Because good things like that would never really happen to me, that's why!"
Stan sat up, made a grimace of disgust when his feet touched the mist-enshrouded floor, and asked Kai:
"So why isn't it attacking us now?"
"I suspect that it exhausted itself during the attack, and was feeding to regain its forces. We interrupted the process, and now the cloud is too weak to attempt anything further. However, there is no telling how long this situation will last. It is possible that simply resting could allow it to regain its forces sufficiently to pass onto the attack again."
"Nice, so what do we do now?"
"Get rid of the cloud."
"How?"
"I do not know."
"Figures."
Stanley began to nervously pace the room. Walking drew his attention to his feet, and looking down meant he saw the ever-present cloud, which just made him even more nervous and anxious.
"Couldn't we throw the cloud back into space?" Xev asked.
"It's gas, Xev, gas," Stanley said uncharitably. "If we throw gas out of the ship, then all our air will go out along with it. We'll suffocate and die."
"I would not," Kai said, deadpanned. "I could evacuate the air and wait until the Lexx filters some new air."
"You can, but we don't have that option. I'm still alive, and I intend to stay that way."
"We could go out in a Moth," Xev suggested.
"Hey… hey, yeah that a great idea!"
"There is one problem," Kai said.
"I knew it!" an outraged Tweedle exclaimed.
"It will take several days for Lexx to replace the current air supply. There is not enough air in a Moth to last for that amount of time. However…"
"Yes…?"
"The cryochambers are airtight and self-sustaining. I could freeze you, then evacuate the air and wake you when it has returned."
"But… but what about the cloud, huh? You think it's just going to wait around that long? It'll rest, and get ready to attack us again!"
"Then perhaps we should leave before it regains its strength."
"Yes! The dead man comes through again! To the bridge!" Stanley said, giving his shipmates a rare display of non-sex-related enthusiasm.
"Lexx?"
"Yes, Stanley?"
The security guard, the sex slave, the dead assassin and the robot head had gathered on the bridge, and Stanley was in his seat, hand over the control.
"Lexx, I want you to go. As fast as you can, and don't stop until we're well away from here, understand?"
"I cannot, Stanley."
"What? Why not?" Stan asked, dreading the answer. If the Lexx said it was stuck, that meant the cloud was still too strong, and they were all screwed.
"I do not know, Stanley. I feel all stuffed up."
Stan looked to Kai.
"Stuffed up?"
"Perhaps the cloud is clogging up the Lexx's engines."
"Great, we're stuck!"
"I am not stuck, Stanley," the Lexx said, displaying uncommon initiative. "But I am all stuffed up."
"What do you mean by not being stuck?" Stan asked hesitantly.
"I can turn. But I cannot go forwards or backwards, because I am all stuffed up."
"So, let me resume the situation. We can't go anywhere because of the cloud. But if we stay here and vent the cloud into space, it might have enough time to attack us again."
"I believe there may be a solution."
"What, Kai," asked Xev.
"If I could make a rip large enough in the Lexx, the resulting explosive decompression might be able to send the Lexx away from the cloud."
"So, you freeze us, then blow all the air out of the ship making the Lexx spin away from the cloud, refill the air and wake us up. Sounds like a plan to me!" Xev said cheerfully.
"I'm not too comfortable with this," Stan said, settling into the cryochamber. "I mean, what if this doesn't work, or something happens to you?"
"Either way, you will not know." Kai tapped a few buttons on the console, and the cryochamber's door began to descend. Stan edged himself as far backward into the cold chamber as he could, and finally was hidden from view by the crystallized glass. The was a swooshing sound as the cryochamber's functions kicked in, freezing Stan and activating life support systems.
Xev reclined gracefully into her own chamber.
"Good night, Kai," she said primly.
"Good night, Xev," she heard his inflectionless voice as the chamber shut down and put her into stasis.
Kai readied the third and final cryochamber in the room.
"Kai, please don't do this!" 790 said from his spot on the floor of that chamber. "I don't need any air; I want to stay with you!"
"The force of the explosion will be such that you would undoubtedly be blown out into space. Only the chamber is strong enough to resist the pull."
"But once you flushed out the air, you'll come and wake me up, right? Don't put the air back in, leave those two sacks of flesh in the chambers, and we'll dance together in the vacuum!"
"Good night, 790."
"Kai! No, please, Kai, don't leave m–"
As the final chamber shut into place, the robot head's plea was cut short. The silence broken only by the occasional hiss from the chambers, Kai left the room.
"Ouch."
"I am doing this for your own good Lexx," Kai said, ripping another strap of flesh off of the Lexx's docking ports. "Once I am finished, you will no longer feel 'stuffed up'."
"Ouch."
Realizing that the Lexx was not going to respond to him, Kai continued his work in silence. He methodically removed the fleshy membrane that covered the outside chamber, behind which was another chamber with another membrane, this one giving out onto space. The purpose of the membranes was to keep air from escaping when the Moths left the ship. The Lexx would open the interior one, close it, and then open the exterior one. After the Moth had left, the exterior membrane would close, and that chamber would be re-pressurized.
Once the interior membrane had been dealt with, Kai, with the help of his weapon, moved to the base of the second membrane. His fired his weapon, which grabbed hold of one of the membrane's flaps, and tugged mightily, opening the flap and letting the air from the inside of the Lexx rush out. There was a great booming noise, as the chamber suddenly became an incomparable wind tunnel. Kai was propelled outwards by the rushing atmosphere, twirling away from the Lexx as if trapped in a waterfall of gas. Once he had stopped spinning, he was able to make out the form of the Lexx through the cloud. He could see the Lexx was moving away, a whitish plume of air lancing out of its side. He retracted and fired his weapon, its usual sound absent in the airlessness of the void, before the gigantic insect-ship was out of its reach. The cord held firmly as Kai was yanked through the vacuum. Finally, he was able to retract and pull himself back to the surface of the ship. All four segments of the membrane were flapping in the wind as the outpouring of air continued. Even with the tremendous pressure forces involved, it took several minutes for the huge spaceship to empty itself of air. Once it was over, Kai slipped back into the Lexx before the outside membrane could close. Already he could see the ship was repairing the damage he had done to the interior membrane. Launching himself through the vacuum of the ship, Kai began the process of refilling it with air, now freed from its previous cloud-like intruder.
Several days later, when the Lexx was once again capable of supporting human life, Kai brought his friends out of their cryostasis. 790, of course, was overjoyed to see Kai again, but much less enthusiastic about the presence of either Stanley Tweedle or Xev of P3XK.
"I though we had agreed to dump their worthless hides into space!"
Xev, on the other hand, was much more practical.
"Did it work?"
"It did. The cloud was evacuated from the Lexx along with all the air. I also took the opportunity of your cryosleep to use the protein regenerator to heal your wounds."
Xev and Stan glanced at their arms and saw that, indeed, the little green patches had disappeared.
"Hey, great. No more clouds sending us fake dreams than trying to eat us, right?"
"Correct."
790 harrumphed.
"It didn't try to it me, and I was quite enjoying my fantasy."
"How come a robot head started dreaming and fanaticizing anyway?"
"Because, security guard fourth class, I have biological components, including part of a human brain. It's that part that the cloud acted on."
Stan replied by making a face at the head.
"So, Kai," Xev asked mischievously, "what did you fantasize about?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"No. There was nothing. The dead do not dream nor fantasize."
"Maybe. But if, like you told us, the Moth Breeder was dreaming of breeding moth, because that's the only thing it can do, than perhaps you didn't dream of nothing, but of death. Your conviction in your death and desire to remain that way made you susceptible to the cloud's illusions. I guess you're not as out of touched with live people as you'd like to think."
Smiling, she left him to ponder her words.
The End