Sky
He stared up at the night sky.
An never ending canvas of midnight blue and black.
Swirling clouds and sparkling stars.
A warm night breeze ruffled his dark hair.
He closed his eyes and sank into his memories.
The first person he saw die was his mother.
He remembered sitting next to her.
Her once beautiful face wrinkled, dark eyes full of anguish, long black hair streaked with gray, skin pale and clammy.
He remembered watching her chest rise and fall shakily, her hoarse, uneven breathing echoing around in the silent room.
He remembered her turning to him, her little boy, sitting obediently next to his sick mother.
Using the last of her strength to smile at him, too tired to form words, and take one last shaky breath.
Remembered the way her chest became unnaturally still, skin slowly turning cold.
Remembered thinking over and over again Mother, please wake up. Please. Unaware of the warm, salty tears sliding down his smooth cheeks.
But she never did.
Never took another breath.
Never smiled that warm, reassuring smile at him. The smile that gave him warmth despite the cold of the underground.
Never woke again.
When the man who claimed to be his uncle came and took him away, he was still in a daze.
Still clinging to that thin string of fragile hope that his mother would wake and smile at him.
Unaware that the string had long since broken.
The man had taken good care of him, teaching him how to survive in the cruel underground, now that his mother could no longer protect him.
Taught him how to fight and steal.
Taught him how to stay alive.
And then the man had left.
And he was alone.
Abandoned.
Again.
After his mother died and his uncle left, he shielded his heart.
He had been hurt enough.
And he became one of the most notorious thugs in the underground.
He was known for being merciless and reckless.
He had a dangerous reputation.
And he never had a friend.
Until Farlan came, that is.
Farlan with his cool head and clever mind.
And then Isabel.
An bundle of endless energy and optimism.
For the first time in a long while, he was happy.
And then that job offer came and the three of them had joined the Survey Corps to complete the job.
Find the document and kill the squad leader, Erwin Smith.
He remembered sitting on the roof of the barracks with Farlan and Isabel, staring at the same sky he was now staring at.
"Please trust us," Isabel had said "Let us come with you. We can do it."
So he did.
Have faith in us, they had said, trust us.
And he had.
And then they had died.
He had gone back to the group, to warn them of the titan.
Only to find he was too late.
He remembered standing in the swirling, heavy rain. Wind tugging at his cloak and hair.
Staring at his friends.
Or rather, their heads.
Isabel's red hair flying loosely in the winds.
Blood covering across her face.
Farlan's blond hair splattered with blood.
A terrified expression on his face.
He remembered the crouching titan dropping what was left of Farlan onto the ground.
The horrifying thunk echoing across his mind.
And then he saw red.
He slashed and sliced until all that was left of the titan was a pile of bones.
Remembered tears sliding down his cheeks, mixing with the blood and rain.
Remembered that hollow feeling of loss.
The feeling he was no stranger to.
He had lost his mother and uncle.
Now he had lost his friends too.
Flashes of memories came to him then, standing in the blood-splattered grass.
Farlan's look of delight when he saw the sunshine.
Isabel smiling as she watched the bird fly into the world outside.
Never again would they chat about finally becoming a citizen and live in the sunshine.
Never again would they fly through the air together, grinning as the military police chased them.
Never again would he hear them laugh again.
He would never hear their voices again.
And he wrapped his heart in steel.
Never again, he promised himself, never again.
They died, one after another.
Soldiers he had seen train and laugh together.
Soldiers he had heard drink and chat about growing old together.
One by one they fell prey to the titans.
One by one they died.
He never let himself feel.
Told himself again and again that it was all for the "Greater Good of Humanity".
That their deaths meant something.
For a long time, he managed to keep his promise to himself.
And then they had came along.
They didn't fear him.
Didn't look at him like he was a monster when he saw one of his men eaten alive and showed nothing.
No remorse.
No sadness.
No guilt.
And he thought, why not try again?
Before, the soldiers kept dying, but now we've improved.
Fewer lives have lost.
Erwin.
Hanji.
Mike.
They are still alive.
They have survived.
Maybe this time, they won't die.
He stared at the sky, shaking away the last of the memories.
They still died.
Gunther.
His still corpse hanging upside down from a tree, fresh blood trickling down his face from his slit throat.
Erd.
Bitten in half. A shocked expression on his face.
Petra.
Smashed against a tree, blood streaming down one side of her face.
Auruo.
Killed by a roundhouse kick.
The first to pledge his loyalty to him. The last to die.
He thought that after all those years, he would get used to the pain of loss.
But it was still as fresh and raw as the first time he felt it, when his mother died.
He had tried to shield his heart.
But one way or another, they had cracked open his shield and taken a place in his heart.
The heart that slowly broke every time they died.
Why?
Why do they always die?
Why do I always fail them?
Why do I live, while they are all dead?
Why them when it should have been me?
I don't deserve to live.
Maybe...maybe it's time to join them.
Maybe it's time to die.
So I was gonna leave it as an angst fanfic, but then I realised I have way too many of those and I should be worried about my sanity. So I'm going to try and make this into a hurt/comfort fic. But I'm better at angst than happily ever afters, so be warned: that this is most likely gonna suck.