Well this is just my musings on Santana and Brittany's love at four in the morning when I can't sleep. Rate it if you so wish.
Pairing: Brittana.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story idea.
Love.
Santana gazed absentmindedly at the word she had, for the third time in just over an hour, scribbled across the top of her refill pad, her other attempts now lying around her room , crumpled and torn, like a paper battle field.
"This is so stupid!" Santana fumed suddenly, letting out a low growl as she again tore up the sheet and threw it behind her, this time having gotten no more than the heading and the date written. "Stupid assignment…" she murmured under her breath as she once again picked up her pen, taking her time to once more write the four letters in her light elegant font across the header.
For some reason unknown to Santana – probably because she'd been doodling or staring at Brittany instead of paying attention – their English teacher had decided that in order for them to understand the emotions in poetry better it would be a good idea for them to write short speeches about emotion to be presented to the class. Santana wouldn't mind so much, but the girl to her right – whose name she'd never taken the interest to learn – had gotten anger, something Santana was sure she could write about much better than she could write about love.
What she hated even more was the fact that these speeches – no more than five minutes - were going towards their overall grade; something that stopped Santana from merely casting it aside and catching up on episodes of Jersey Shore as per usual when it came to homework, because contrary to popular belief education mattered more to Santana than anyone could imagine... it was after all her ticket out of here along with her voice.
She stared blankly at the page again, this time doing quick maths in her head to try and decide whether or not she'd be able to skip this class and still graduate, quickly realizing she couldn't when she thought back to the week they'd been doing letters to their past and future selves and she'd simply refused to, missing and entire week and a half of the class, not to mention all the classes she'd avoided because Brittany had been over and homework and studying had turned into something a lot more fun for both of them, meaning it was easier to avoid the class than going in empty handed.
With a frustrated sigh she then let her red painted nails run through her glossy raven hair that she'd long since pulled out of her cheerio ponytail. Her chocolate eyes slowly wandered once more away from her page, landing on a picture of her and Brittany that rested beside her lamp on her desk.
It was of both or them on an empty beech, smiling like idiots, Brittany's cheek pushed up against Santana's as the darker skinned girl held out the camera in front of them, just getting in their faces and the top of their swim suits, Santana's a crimson red one and Brittany's a pale green with blue polka dots, her sea damp hair falling over the front of it, Santana's hair doing the same.
The photo had been taken during the summer before senior year, probably, Santana mused silently, the happiest few months of her life. The beach was somewhere she was sure only a handful of people knew about, her aunt having shown it to her when she was twelve. It was about a fifteen minute drive out of Lima and a further twenty minute walk from the road, but the trip was worth it because to this day Santana could still remember her twelve year old jaw drop as she followed her aunt out from between two high cliff faces – that she was sure she'd been walking between for about a week – onto a white sanded and completely deserted beech, only about half a mile long but, as her aunt her told her that day, it was half a mile that belonged only to her and mother nature.
She'd gone there that day because she'd been upset that her dad had told her he'd be too busy to make it to her birthday party the next day, and as usual the young girl had lashed out, cussing every word she could in both English and Spanish, before being whisked off by her aunt and taken to this "quiet place". It was here she'd come again once things at school had started to become difficult with Brittany and well… her feelings.
It was to this day the one place that she could truly think, let all her bad thoughts be carried away by the sea and just really be alone. It was her place, it was her thing and her freedom, and this was why it had to her been such a big deal to bring Brittany here that day, though the girl needed it, having revealed to Santana that she was afraid she'd have to repeat her final year, and it was when Santana realized that some things are more important than her special place, so she'd taken Brittany there, ultimately letting the girl in on the biggest – well, second biggest at the time – and best secret she had and letting her best friend know about something she'd never really wanted anyone else to know about.
Santana shook her head then, bringing her mind back to the present with a jolt and once again letting out a small grumble as she tore her eyes away from the frame and back to the task at hand, the word "Love" still taunting her silently on the page.
She suddenly realized that her back was becoming sore, as she'd now been sitting in the wooden chair for well over an hour, so with a slight wince she stood slowly, stretching herself out before she gathered her refill pad and pencil case from her desk and relocated herself on her bed, arranging her necessary stationary around her before lying down, propping her head up on two pillows and lifting her knees to use them as a solid surface for her refill pad.
Just as she was getting comfortable however she felt her back rest on something foreign to her bed, something bumpy and uneven. With a frown she reached slowly under the covers of her bed, shifting carefully to try to avoid upsetting everything she'd laid out, and retracted her long arm a moment later, fingers firmly gripping the wrapper of a twizzler. She laughed quietly, shaking her head in dismay before throwing the wrapper gently through the air and into her bin.
She should have known that when Brittany had stayed over the previous weekend she'd be finding twizzler wrappers for days. It never failed to amuse her that her girlfriend would not only bring her entire Disney DVD collection to their weekend sleepovers – which normally lasted from Friday evening right through to Sunday afternoon – but also brought with her a month's supply of the candy, insisting that now that Santana had showed her how to brush her teeth she didn't need to worry about eating too much candy.
Not that she hadn't eaten them before she could brush her teeth properly, they'd always been her favourite sweet, ever since they were both kids and Brittany would race her to the sweet stall at the end of her street for the candy bar. Santana also knew that if she wasn't around Brittany would also buy a packet of cheeto's but refused to when Santana was there because she knew that the smell of them crisps made her best friend gag every single time, just as Santana knew that oddly enough the smell of play dough made Brittany vomit, especially when she was younger.
Santana then let her mind drift – god she could procrastinate when she wanted to – starting to think about all the random little pieces of information she had accumulated on Brittany. The list, she soon came to find, was practically endless. Lime green was her favourite colour and a yellow-y green was her least favourite colour, she'd done ballet and tap until she was eleven, but once she was introduced to modern and hip hop she'd ditched her ballet shoes for good, keeping up tap just for practice, her favourite animal was cats and ducks, though she'd once had a goldfish that had died when she'd poured glass cleaner directly into the tank to clean it out, even though orange was her favourite fruit she was allergic to them, and would get a rash if she ate one, she was literally repulsed by the thought of milk, and was therefore on calcium supplements.
It would have shocked Santana that she could possibly know this much about one person, when she wasn't even sure what she wanted for dinner, but for some reason this revelation wasn't all that shocking to her, it was almost as if she'd been expecting it because that's what it was wasn't it, when you loved someone? Knowing everything about them, even the silly little things that no one else cared about.
She shook her head once more, silently berating herself for being so absentminded when really all she wanted to do was get her homework out of the way so she could take a walk to Brittany's to see if she needed help with homework, and then maybe to the park to feed the ducks with her girlfriend.
Even during this moment of will power, prompting herself to finish her homework soon, she could feel her eyes drift and try as she may she couldn't stop them – and to be honest didn't really want to. They moved around this time, having nothing interesting enough to settle on for a long moment, before they finally came to land on a picture of her, Brittany and Karofskey the night of their prom.
It was taken in Santana's living room, Brittany getting ready at Santana's house as she'd needed someone to do her hair and hadn't had a date anyway, and Karofskey obviously being there because he had been Santana's date for the night, much to the Latina's deep regret.
She still remembered the light hearted fun her and Brittany had been having in her room, both of them being too close to let the fact that they should be one another's dates make things awkward, Brittany even giving Santana a quick kiss, that had turned into a deeper make out session, as a thank you for doing her hair, and the pair finding every excuse to brush past one another or leave a lingering touch as they got ready.
This had ended suddenly however when an excited Mrs Lopez had interrupted the pair, announcing that Dave had arrived. Without even having to glance at her best friend Santana could tell that Brittany's smile had fallen from her beautiful glowing face, the sudden shift in the previously jovial atmosphere telling her enough anyway as the frosty mood carried with them as the pair made their way down stairs to an awkward looking Dave, holding a corsage in his hand the same way Santana imagined King Kong would try and hold someone delicately, ultimately failing as she noted the flower was crushed.
The picture that Santana's mother had insisted they put in her room – even now claiming that it's a nice picture of the two girls, whether or not the Dave boy was a beard for Santana – had been taken shortly after Dave had arrived, Mrs Lopez taking on the role of a professional photographer. Santana would never forget the heartbreak she'd felt as she took her place to the right or Karofskey, with Brittany to the left, and had looked at the camera only for her mother to pause to remind Brittany that it wasn't a funeral they were going to and that she needed to smile.
Knowing that she'd hurt someone so pure and innocent was enough to tear Santana apart as she gazed into the flash. Knowing that it was her crippling fear and her anger that was causing the one person she loved more than anyone else in the world so much pain was enough for Santana to feel as if someone had reached into her chest and tore her heart out and broken it in half. It was in that moment that Santana had decided that once and for all that no matter how long it took her, she wold get over her fear, her anxiety and her dread, and that this time next year there would be no middle man, next her it would be just her and Brittany standing in front of the camera getting their picture taken.
The buzz of a phone on her bedside locker was what drew Santana back to the present this time, swallowing a lump she hadn't been aware had formed in her throat before rolling onto her side, this time not caring about her utensils, which she could feel slip and roll on the bed, as the words "New message from: Britt-Britt" lit up her screen.
San… I'm stuck in math. Please tell me you can come over later? – B xxo
Santana sighed happily, quickly typing out her response telling her girlfriend that she'd be over in about ten minutes before jumping up off her bed and sliding into her sneakers, taking one more look at her unfinished – well un-started really – homework before gliding out her bedroom door.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
"That was an… interesting uh, interpretation of happiness there Brittany. Thank you." Ms Robinson stammered, having been left literally lost for words after Brittany's speech, something that Santana was sure for a change was a good thing, as one thing Brittany S Pierce knew more about than anyone was happiness.
"Okay… Santana." The teacher called then, looking down at the girl doubtfully. "Did you… did you do the assignment?" She asked hesitantly, not wanting to infuriate the fiery Latina, who had been known to, on more than one occasion, flip tables in anger.
"I did actually." Santana replied, instantly making sharp eye contact with the teacher once she'd rolled off the last letter of that statement, letting her know that she had more to say, before she started in her slow drawl, reserved only for insults. "Though if you're so doubtful of me maybe I'll just sit here, apparently that's all that's expected anyway. I could just stop showing up completely if you'd like, because god knows I could do without having to see your lame excuse for fashion on a daily basis… I mean I presume it's a game you play? Blindfold yourself as you dress every mor-"
"Okay Santana, that's enough, if you have a speech ready you can say it now, otherwise we'll move on." Ms Robinson interjected, knowing the verbal smack down would only get worse if she allowed it to continue.
"Oh but I was just getting started…" Santana murmured playfully so only Brittany, who'd retaken her seat to the left of her girlfriend, could hear as she stood slowly and with purpose, letting her hand slide across Brittany's back as she made her way to the front of the room.
"Santana you have no sheet." Ms Robinson aptly noted. "Where's your speech?" She questioned then, automatically presuming that the girl was up here to make fun of someone instead.
"Don't get your granny pants in a twist, I do have something to say on my topic." Santana snapped back barely even making eye contact before looking back to the front of the room, staring down every person that sat in front of her –other than Brittany, Quinn and Sam and giving an extra glare to Rachel at the end just for shit's and giggles as the obviously intimidated girl shifted nervously.
"Okay well the emotion I was given for this dumb thing was love…" Santana started with a small sigh, ignoring the teacher's almost silent protests at her choice of description for the assignment. "And to be perfectly honest I didn't have a clue what to write for it, I mean anger I could have done hatred, all I would have to do is think of one of you losers and I'd have me an A in that one too." She told her classmates sweetly.
"Santana, your speech!" Ms Robinson interrupted loudly, stopping the girl in her tracks.
"I'm getting to it." Santana replied curtly, glancing quickly at the teacher to throw her daggers before returning her stare to address the class.
"Love however was a tough one for me." She admitted slowly. "Not because I haven't felt it before, because I have. I'm probably among few that can say that they fell in love when they were four years old, and a baffled looking blond haired blue eyed beauty wandered over to me in tears begging the scariest girl in pre-school for help to find her duck teddy." She told the room with a heart-warming smile to Brittany. "That was the first, and last, time I felt love, love at first sight if you like, though not really because I don't really believe in that, though I do know that in that instant there was a connection and the bond made in that very first moment lasted through to this day despite ups and downs, and I can safely say that no matter how many downs there are in the future, one thing I do know about love, or this type of love anyway, is that it's stronger than any negative force ever could be, and that I will feel it until the day I die."
"So yea, it wasn't that I hadn't felt love before that made it hard, it was because of what love is." Santana continued, pausing briefly to gather her thoughts, wishing she'd written down what she'd thought of at three in the morning, after arriving back from Brittany's. "I'm talking about love being scary, I mean holy hell love is the scariest thing a person can go through, because love is caring about someone other than yourself. Love is when there's someone else in your life that you want to share something with, something that you thought you'd never want to share with anyone else ever, like a special place you go when you want to escape the monsters in your head, but that's love. It's waking up and realizing screw it I WANT this person to know about my secret place, because even though it's a place I keep guarded from the rest of the world it's also a part of me, and even though the very thought of it scares the living crap out of me I want this person to know every part of me."
"And as well…" Santana continued, growing more confident. "Love is also kinda spooky, because one day you're casually minding your own business and you suddenly realize that even though when your mum asks you what brand of tampon you use because she's going shopping and you don't remember, yet you somehow know the person you love's favourite shade of green, or that they're allergic to oranges, or that they hate the smell of play dough… so yea, it's a spooky thing being so in love with someone that you know more about then than you do about yourself."
"Though most of all, love hurts. Love hurts until you get it right, and even then there's times when you get it wrong." Santana sighed; looking once more at Brittany who she noticed had a tear in her eye. "Love hurts because sometimes it's so scary and so spooky that you push it away, you push it as far away as possible and you build up as many walls as you can and you use a whole bunch of other emotions as a shield to protect those walls. Then what hurts even more is when you've been living quite contently inside your walls, walls that you've taken the time to skilfully redecorate into a rather cosy closet, and all of a sudden the same person you fell in love with at four years old decides that the walls aren't nice, so she tears then down, or she helps you tear them down even though at first you don't want to at first and she opens you up to all these other emotions, and it's like taking alcohol, because it's an acquired taste, and you have to get used to feeling all these things that you never thought you'd be able to feel, like happiness and acceptance, and at first your body tries to reject it, but in your head you know you can't because you're. In. Love. And god damn it even though you're scared and you're hurting and you don't know what to do or how to compartmentalize all your emotions you know somewhere deep down inside you that you have to power through that mess of crap, because even though you can't quite see it yet, there's not only a light at the end of that tunnel, but there's more of the good feelings that even though you're not used to you actually kinda like."
"So yea… Love is scary and spooky and it hurts almost unbearably and it's terrifying, but my god is it worth sticking out." Santana concluded humbly with a single nod. "Oh, one more thing though…" She added, just as Ms Robinson was about to speak. "Britt-Britt, I promised myself a year ago something, and with everything I… No, everything WE have been through this year I think I'm ready to well, honour my promise." Santana explained fidgeting slightly but looking directly into her girlfriends baby blue orbs that she could so easily get lost in. "Brittany S Pierce… Will you go to senior prom with me?" She asked with a shy smile, letting her words settle on the room as she gazed at her silent love.
"Yes." Brittany replied meekly after a moment, realizing she hadn't yet spoken. "Oh my god Tana, YES!" She replied a lot more enthusiastically then, sliding herself off her chair and bounding to the front of the room where she collided with her girlfriend. "I love you too by the way." She added so only Santana could hear her. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world and I love you more and more each day." She added as she continued to squeeze the Latina, planting light kisses to where she could reach, which was mainly Santana's ear and cheek, letting go after a very long moment. "Ms, I have another thing to add to my speech about happiness, I think I have a new thing to go at the top of my list of reasons to be happy." She beamed.
There done. I hope you liked it, and please do tell me what you think of it if you like.
- A.