A long time ago in a galaxy right here in the kingdom of Magvel or whatever the heck it's called King Erika and Ephraim's father called for his son Ephraim the Mary Sue and Erika the Peaceful.

"Why did you summon us father?" Asked Ephraim.

"My children, I have an important task for you..." replied King Erika and Ephraim's father "the sacred stones, the family jewels have been shattered..."

"Not the sacred stones!" Said Erika "If they are broken then we can never defeat the demon king!"

"No not that sacred stone Erika I'm talking about my nuts, Lyon's dad kicked me in the nards and broke them!"

"Are we allowed to talk about those in a Nintendo property?" Asked Ephraim

"Well if FE4 can get away with incest and being burnt alive then I think we can get away with me talking about my junk for three lines." Said King Erika and Ephraim's father. "Now I've summoned you both here with an important mission..."

"Anything father." Said Ephraim

"You must find out how to fix the sacred stones, the kingdom depends on it."

"But father I don't think the two of us can do it alone." Said Erika

"Erika you do kind of suck but you are also good with that giant sewing needle of yours..." said King Erika and Ephraim's father

"You mean the rapier?"

"That too. And Ephraim has Sue powers and his mother's skill with a pole, albeit in a different way than her."

"It's a Lance..."

"And I'll be sending our best knight Seth to aid you, however you need more allies than just him..."

"Are you sure? I think Seth could solo the game." Said Erika.

"GO MY CHILDREN GATHER ALLIES AND FIND THE MEANS TO REPAIR THE SACRED STONES AND SAVE OUR KINGDOM!"

And so they left with Seth who was there the entire time, setting out on a grad journey to repair the sacred stones.

The trio of warriors walked through the forest together.

"Brother do you truly think we can save father's stones?" Asked Erika

"I'm sure of it adorable little sister WHO I LOVE PLATONICALLY AS A SIBLING AND NOT AS A LOVER. After all I don't pick fights I can't win. Right Seth?"

"This is my only line of dialogue in the entire story." Said Seth as he slowly became irrelevant.

"Exactly! Wait look! Over there!" Said Erika pointing to the sky.

From the sky landed Tana and her brother Innes on the back of Tana's Pegasus: Rainbow Dash.

"It's our childhood friends siblings Tana and Innes!" Said Erika.

"Hey double E!" Sad Tana "we heard what happened with the sacred stones so we came to help."

Innes crossed his arms and looked away,

"It's not like I'm doing this because I like you guys or anything..." he muttered.

"I'm glad to have you on board." Said Ephraim "I trust you'll have our backs in combat."

"Oh I got your entire backside Ephraim." Said Tana seductively.

"What was that?"

"A line of dialogue establishing that I have romantic feelings for you."

"Oh okay."

"Enough talking let's go see if that nearby village has anything to help us in our quest!" Said Erika

"ADVENTURE"

And so the four friends and Seth continued to the next town over.

The group arrived in town, which was full of generic npcs and backgrounds copy pasted from FE6.

"We made it!" Said Erika. "Now let's see if we can't find any info on the sacred stones."

"Did somebody say sacred stones!?"

The group was approached by two individuals, one a large muscular child carrying a steel axe and the other a middle aged man with long hair and a mustache with purple skin dressed in the robes of the Duma faithful.

"Do you know something about the sacred stones?" Asked Tana.

"That we do." Said the boy. "My name is Ross, the best character in the game apparently and this is my dad, Garcia of the Duma faithful. Say Hi dad."

"GLORY TO LORD DUMA! MAY HIS REIGN LAST A THOUSAND YEARS!"

"Anyways, we know where to find an expert on sacred stones, and we'll gladly take you to him."

"Then lead the way." Said Innes "If you want to... I don't care either way. (I secretly do)."

"Oh sure, but first did you want to stay at our place for dinner?" Asked Ross

"As long as whatever we're having is a Vegan." Said Erika.

"HERITIC!" Screamed Garcia.

"Oh it's fine we're having Pizza."

"Oh boy I sure do love Pizza." Said Ephraim.

"With extra pineapple."

"..."

Moments later the group stared at the burning remains of the village, which was destroyed in a pineapple fueled rampage by Ephraim (Seth helped), killing Ross and Garcia in the process. Amelia died too, I needed to put her in the fic somewhere so I figured I'd put her here.

"Ephraim you killed our lead!" Said Erika

"Any man who'd put pineapple on pizza is no better than a monster." Said Ephraim. "They are absolutely..."

Ephraim squinted his eyes and posed dramatically.

"Disgusting."

Tana took a step back and swooned.

"I love it when he calls things disgusting..." thought Tana "It makes me love him even more."

"But Ephraim, violence is bad!" Said Erika, absentmindedly killing a barbarian as she spoke. "We must solve things peacefully."

"But I don't do peace sister, I'm a killing machine fueled by memes and Plot armor."

"Let's try the next town." Said Innes "there might be someone there who can help us find what we need."

"Good thinking Innes." Said Erika "You're so smart."

"B-Baka..."

So they left the burning wreck of the town behind, moving on to the next town.

The next town was being attacked by monsters.

"OH NO THE TOWN IS BEING ATTACKED BY MONSTERS!" Shouted a pedestrian.

The five charged into battle, Ephraim fighting off centaurs and cyclopses with his Mary Sue powers while Tana stood behind him to grind support bonuses. Innes just shot at everything, Seth killed stuff, and Erika attempted to reason with the monsters.

"Please we don't need to fight, we can live in harmony." Said Erika "we can coex-"

A skeleton tried to bite Erika only for her to pull off its skill and bash its body to dust with it.

"Coexist together... oh wait it's dead. War is horrible isn't it? Taking away lives that have already been lived."

"There's so many monsters!" Said Innes

"Yeah if only there was somebody to instantly destroy all the monsters and convey valuable plot info." Said Tana

Then all the monsters got noscoped by fireballs.

"What the?"

"Did_sum1_call_for_ _bada$$_Magic_user?"

Xx_Loot_xX has entered the lobby.

"Who are you?" Asked Ephraim

"I_am_Xx_Loot_xX, the_best_mage_around. And_this_scrub_here_is_Arthur."

Arthur stepped out from behind Xx_Loot_xX wearing glasses and a yellow shirt.

"Hi I'm Arthur. I'm a healer."

"I_heard_U_were_l00king_4_info_on_The_Sacred_Stones._I_Can _Help."

"That's great!" Said Erika. "Wait, do you like pineapple on your pizza?"

"_What_am_I? Sum_Kind_of_Noob? Of_Course_Not."

"Glad to have you on board." Said Ephraim

"follow_Us_We'll_take_u_to_teh_expert_on_Sacred_Stones."

And so the Mary Sue the Pacifist, the pegasister, the tsundere, and Seth followed the gamer and her friend.

I have lost control of my life. What even is this? What am I? Is this how I'm using my creative writing degree? I could be making the next great American epic but here I am writing this thing...